___ Deserves a Sackpunch

Nickelback Fan

Admit it. You don't really like music. You just like the way the high school girls look at you when you drive by band practice with "Something in Your Mouth" cranking out the windows of your ragged out Mazda that still has the loud pipes. The huge guitar riffs stand as tall as the popped collar of your creatine fueled muscle filled Affliction polo shirt as you nod and raise an index finger towards the cute blonde with an oboe in her mouth. The bass in your Kenwoods pounds as hard as your Red Bull-juiced heart as you glare at the skinny high school boys waiting for their girlfriends by the band hall. You could kick all their asses at once, couldn't you? And Mr. Kroeger's garbage post-grunge hard rock band would also play on the soundtrack to that melée, wouldn't it?

Some would say it's Nickelback who's at fault here, but I'm gonna disagree. They're just a few guys who got lucky and found the magic formula for making millions of dollars a year by reproducing the same song over and over and over and over, throwing in some naughty sex talk every now and then for spice. That formula has earned them groupies, fine cribs, fancy whips, country songwriting gigs, record companies and fame. Who would give up that meal ticket? I wouldn't. Good on 'em. I can't stand them, but good for them! You go Chad!

No, it's you, Nickelcrack fan, who needs to feel the insane pain on your lower membranes. You are the one who fills the band's coffers year after year, despite their general repetitive suckiness. You are the douchebag who hates music unless it makes you look cool to the underage girls you stalk on your lunch break from Kinkos. You need something to pump you up while you're stinking up the Bally's leg press machine in your Ed Hardy wife beater. You're the tool who gets so drunk at the concert you don't even remember anything about the show except "that dude I beat up in the bathroom after I puked." You suck worse than the band. "How you remind me" of people who end up in jail for nefarious sex crimes and arson.

You probably don't have a very large target due to the 'roids, but assume the position. It's time for a migraine inducing, sperm-count reducing sackpunch!