Dec 30, 2009

Redneck Resolutions

Redneck Resolutions

Done made it through another twelve
Still sane and in one piece
Only spent a month in jail
Been good since I's released
But this year as the fireworks fly
i feel a little strange
And it ain't just this Miller Lite
Naw, it's time i made some change

Chorus
Next year I won't drink Jim Beam ...on the way to church
And I guess I'll quit dippin' ...this tumor reallly hurts
Won't git rough with my woman ...unless she hits me first
Come on new year, big boy, do your worst

Almost got the trailer paid off
And the boy's bout done with school
Plan for his future like I ought
I'll buy him a set of tools
Gonna be nicer to my ex wife
I'll tone it down to "witch"
And if I go road hunting at night
I'll at least park in the ditch

Chorus
And next year I won't drink Old Crow ...till i get off of work
I reckon I'll quit smokin' ...my lungs feel like they'll burst
Won't cuss loud at the Walmart ...and I'll stop stealin' Certs
Come on new year, big boy, do your worst

Bridge
Raise up your tall boys, here's to the future
These are my redneck resolutions

Next year I won't drink so much ...on the way to church
And I guess I'll quit dippin' ...this tumor reallly hurts
Won't git rough with my woman ...unless she hits me first
Come on new year, big boy, do your worst

Come on twenty-ten, do your worst



©2009 Corey Parkman

Dec 29, 2009

Farce the Music's Top Albums of 2009

1. Charlie Robison - Beautiful Day
Charlie's "divorce album" is a lean, mean, nearly perfect dish of Texas country. Sharply crafted and passionately performed, this is Robison's most consistent, and likely best, album to date. So solid is this record, Charlie bests his well-regarded brother's recent output, even in the songwriting arena. A broken heart has rarely sounded so good.
Hear this: Down Again




A collection of gritty narratives based on Cormac McCarthy's blood-soaked epic, "Blood Meridian," Ben's solo record is as powerful as anything I've heard this year (and much of last), despite the narrow focus. Nichols tops his band Lucero's major label debut with this strong entry that holds up after myriad replays.
Hear this: Toadvine




3. Buddy and Julie Miller - Written in Chalk
Quiet at times, raucous at others, Buddy and Julie are in fine form on this album and the songs feel timeless. Though it's a lazy comparison, "Written in Chalk" is this year's "Rattlin' Bones."
Hear this: Chalk







4. Magnolia Electric Company - Josephine
Haunting. I don't know of any other way to describe lead singer Jason Molina's voice (okay, besides "acquired taste"). Gorgeous - that's how I'd describe Josephine.
Hear this: O Grace







5. Lucero - 1372 Overton Park
My favorite band hits the "big time" with their first release for Universal. Did they sell out? Nah. Change their sound? Well, they gussied it up a smidge with a few (ok, crapload of) horns. The honking doesn't detract from the sound for me, but the raw emotion that pulled me into this band in the first place seems to have ebbed just a bit. Still a very worthy release and possibly the best entry point for listeners new to the band.
Hear this: Hey Darlin' Do You Gamble




6. BettySoo - Heat Sin Water Skin
My favorite new discovery of the year. The emotion will grab you, the lines will cut you and the melodies will never leave your mind.
Hear this: Just Another Lover









7. Wrinkle Neck Mules - Let the Lead Fly
Hear this: Pull Me From the Wreckage











8. Great Lake Swimmers - Lost Channels
Great Lake Swimmers expand on their sound with Lost Channels, without losing any of the beauty.
Hear this: Pulling on a Line, Still









9. Black Joe Lewis & The Honeybears - Tell 'em What Your Name Is
My second favorite new discovery of the year, these guys are good-time seventies fun mixed with raunchy R&B mixed with some indie garage rock rawness. I dare you not to dance... or at least tap your foot like crazy.
Hear this: Sugarfoot





FTM doesn't play favorites - I like what I like. That said, I'm proud to welcome friend of FTM Drew Kennedy to the top 10 with a truly deserving release. His literate, unorthodox (for country) writing style and soulful vocals stand far above the crowd in the Texas music scene. He inhabits these road-themed character sketches with natural ease.
Hear this: Cincinnati, Rolling Around in the Bed




The Rest:
11. The Black Crowes - Before the Frost...Until the Freeze
12. Justin Townes Earle - Midnight at the Movies
13. Son Volt - American Central Dust
14. The Devil Makes Three - Do Wrong Right
15. Slaid Cleaves - Everything You Love Will Be Taken Away
16. Joshua James - Build Me This
17. Switchfoot - Hello Huricane
18. Miranda Lambert - Revolution
19. Krizz Kaliko - Genius
20. Mastodon - Crack the Skye
21. The Avett Bros. - I And Love And You
22. Brad Paisley - American Saturday Night
23. Chris Knight - Trailer Tapes II
24. Joe Nichols - Old Things New
25. George Strait - Twang
26. Drive-by Truckers - The Fine Print
27. The Dustin Bentall Outfit - Six Shooter
28. Them Crooked Vultures - s/t
29. Pearl Jam - Backspacer
30. Tom Russell - Blood and Candle Smoke
31. Sons of Bill - One Town Away
32. Deer Tick - Born on Flag Day
33. Those Darlins - s/t
34. Grant Langston - Stand Up Man
35. Guy Clark - Somedays the Song Writes You
36. Pete Bernhard - Straight Line
37. Steve Earle - Townes
38. Jay-Z - The Blueprint 3
39. Scott Warren - Quick Fix Bandage
40. Holly Williams - Here With Me
41. The Fox Hunt - America's Working So We Don't Have To
42. Jason Isbell and The 400 Unit - s/t
43. Eric Church - Carolina
44. Drive-by Truckers - Live From Austin, TX
45. Carolyn Mark and NQ Arbuckle - Let's Just Stay Here
46. Willie Nelson & Asleep At The Wheel - Willie and the Wheel
47. Old Californio - Westering Again
48. Wilco - Wilco (The Album)
49. The Deep Dark Woods - Winter Hours
50. Phosphorescent - To Willie
51. John Moreland & The Black Gold Band - Endless Oklahoma Sky
52. Robert Earl Keen - The Rose Hotel
53. Dave Matthews Band - Big Whiskey & The Groogrux King
54. Roman Candle - Oh Tall Tree in the Ear
55. Red Fang - s/t
56. Jason Eady - When the Money's All Gone
57. Todd Snider - The Excitement Plan
58. Austin Lucas - Somebody Loves You
59. Megadeth - Endgame
60. The Pines - Tremolo

Author's note: all the albums on this list are very much worth a listen - there were others I enjoyed this year, but I had to cut it off somewhere.

Dec 28, 2009

Top 10 Rejected Alternate Names for Fast Ryde


09. Biggr n' Richr

08. The Borchetta Boyz

07. NWA (nobz with attitude)

06. F-One Fiddy

05. Gritzncollardz

04. RydenDurdy

03. Whyte-Tang Clan

02. Ryde-a-Cowboyz

01. Pro-Toolz

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #25

Resolve that in the new year, you will write every day. You wake up every day, you floss them pearlies every day, you hit a shot of the Jager every morning, your wife fixes you a big plate of breakfast every day, you go off to your uhhhm, "work" every day, right? So schedule in some writing time every damn day. You can't get as good as me if - scratch that, you can't get as good as me - but you can't get as good as Jeffrey Steele if you only write when you feel like it. Man, if I only broke off a piece when I felt like it, I wouldn't be the redneck ramrod Romeo you ladies know and love. Happy New Year, toolbags!


Not actually written by John Rich.

Dec 27, 2009

FTM's Favorite Songs of '09

Here's a very eclectic list of Farce the Music's favorite songs of 2009. You may be surprised/dismayed with a couple of the choices, given FTM's general dislike of certain genre trends. Several of the listings have links where you can listen to the song.

Song/Artist/Album

"Helpless" Angela Easterling Black Top Road

"Go West" Austin Lucas Somebody Loves You

"Toadvine" Ben Nichols The Last Pale Light in the West

"Just Another Lover" BettySoo Heat Sin Water Skin

"Houston Don't Dream About Me" The Black Crowes Before The Frost...Until The Freeze

"Sugarfoot" Black Joe Lewis & The Honeybears Tell 'Em What Your Name Is!

"Welcome To The Future" Brad Paisley American Saturday Night

"Chalk" feat. Patty Griffin Buddy And Julie Miller Written In Chalk

"Passing Dream" Carolyn Mark and N.Q. Arbuckle Let's Just Stay Here

"Reconsider" Charlie Robison Beautiful Day

"Blame Me" Chris Knight Trailer Tapes II

"Rainy Night In Georgia" Chris Young The Man I Want To Be

"Long Gone To Saskatchewan" Corb Lund Losin' Lately Gambler

"The Corner" Cory Branan & Jon Snodgrass Cory Branan & Jon Snodgrass (split)

"All The Money I Had Is Gone" The Deep Dark Woods Winter Hours

"Easy" Deer Tick Born On Flag Day

"Help Yourself" The Devil Makes Three Do Wrong Right

"Cincinnati" Drew Kennedy An Audio Guide to Cross Country Travel

"Play It All Night Long" Drive-By Truckers The Fine Print

"Three Thousand Miles" The Dustin Bentall Outfit Six Shooter

"Where She Told Me To Go" Eric Church Carolina

"Years Ago" The Ethers Early Winter

"Wheels" Foo Fighters Greatest Hits

"Out Of Sight Out Of Mind" George Strait Twang

"Shreveport" The Gourds Haymaker!

"Pulling On A Line" Great Lake Swimmers Lost Channels
"The Guitar" Guy Clark Somedays the Song Writes You

"He's Making A Fool Out Of You" Holly Williams Here With Me
"Soldiers Get Strange" Jason Isbell And The 400 Unit s/t

"Young Forever" (Featuring Mr Hudson) Jay-Z The Blueprint 3

"Shape I'm In" Joe Nichols Old Things New

"Coal War" Joshua James Build Me This

"Mama's Eyes" Justin Townes Earle Midnight At The Movies

"Bipolar" Krizz Kaliko Genius

"Need You Now" Lady Antebellum Need You Now - Single

"Hey Darlin' Do You Gamble" Lucero 1372 Overton Park

"Oblivion" Mastodon Crack The Skye

"White Liar" Miranda Lambert Revolution

"Lazy Old San Gabriels" Old Californio Westering Again

"The End" Pearl Jam Backspacer

"Mint Condition" Pete Bernhard Straight Line

"The Last Thing I Needed (First Thing This Morning)" Phosphorescent To Willie

"Prehistoric Dog" Red Fang s/t

"Fire Bomb" Rihanna Rated R
"Starting From Scratch" Roman Candle Oh Tall Tree In The Ear

"Draggin' Down The Line" Scott H. Biram Something's Wrong/Lost Forever

"Sin In Indiana" Scott Miller For Crying Out Loud

"Before You Say Goodbye" Scott Warren Quick Fix Bandage

"Jukebox of Steel" Son Volt American Central Dust

"End In Flames" Strand of Oaks Leave Ruin

"Red Eyes" Switchfoot Hello Hurricane

"Gunman" Them Crooked Vultures s/t

"Hung Up On Me" Those Darlins Those Darlins

"You Had To Be There" Tim McGraw Southern Voice

"Greencastle Blues" Todd Snider The Excitement Plan

"Criminology" Tom Russell Blood and Candle Smoke
"Your Love and His Blood" Wayne Hancock Viper of Melody

"One Wing" Wilco Wilco (The Album)

"Pull Me From the Wreckage" Wrinkle Neck Mules Let the Lead Fly

Dec 23, 2009

Parody of Alabama's "Christmas in Dixie"

Christmas in Holcomb
(A Parody of Alabama's "Christmas in Dixie")

By now in Cascilla, whitetails are on the ground
And out in Geeslin Corner, Old Milwaukee’s pourin’ down
And, maybe down in Red Hill, the trailers are in lights
In Grenada, Mississippi...Walmart’s shut down tonight

Christmas in Holcomb, hope yer mama and them’s alright
Merry Christmas from Holcomb, to all of ya’ll tonight

School’s out in Winona. The kids are shootin’ pool
There's magic in Gore Springs; Rednecks is in the groove
In Duck Hill, Mississippi, up north to Coffeeville
And all ‘cross Calhoun City, there’s turkey on the grill

Christmas in Holcomb, hope yer mama and them’s alright
Merry Christmas from Holcomb, to all of ya’ll tonight

And from here on Sweethome Road
God bless y'all...Yee haw...Happy New Year...You kids get outta them presents
Baby, bring me another beer...Merry Christmas tonight!

Dec 21, 2009

Dec 20, 2009

10 Worst Country Singles of 2009

2009 was a banner year for crap in the world of country music. There's no way I could summarize the sad state of the genre with only ten bad tunes, but allow me to try. Here are the worst country singles of 2009, in no particular order.

Tyler Dean - Taylor Swift
Ample cause for a restraining order if ever there was one. Can't hide the proof. It's right there on iTunes with a 2 star rating. And furthermore, they rereleased it on iTunes after Taylor's late year awards. We hated it the first time, dude.

Jimmy Wayne - Sara Smile
I actually have no problem with a country singer covering Hall & Oates, but for the sake of my sanity and human decency, at least pick a good H&O song, and at least attempt to make it sound country.

Phil Vassar - Bobbi with an "I"
A song about a good ol' boy who likes to cross dress? Did Phil's record company somehow get their demographics and marketing studies mixed up with Lady Gaga's? I'm not shocked by its content, just that it was actually released to country radio.

Bucky Covington - Gotta Be Somebody
More processed than cheese spread, but not nearly as tasty. They could have had one of those NOAA weather radio voices sing this song and I might not know the difference. And holy mother of drive by truckers, it's a Nickelback cover. Why? Just why?

Billy Currington - That's How Country Boys Roll
This is how a country boy turns the station.

Jessie James - My Cowboy
The only thing country about this song is the title. Does that necessarily make it one of the worst country singles of the year? Well, yes... but on artistic merit alone, it's still not good.

Fast Ryde - That Thang
"That Thang" is inexplicably better than their second single, "Make it Rain" (a "farming is hard" anthem so shallow it makes Jason Aldean sound like Levon Helm), but since this ode to country girl bootay is higher profile, it gets the slot. One of the most annoying choruses ever sung. Dang me.

Krista Marie - Jeep Jeep
This one got deservedly ripped to shreds in my .99 review. Krista's decent voice aside, this song is a second-rate product that should never have been released. More like a Yugo than a Jeep.

Jake Owen - Eight Second Ride
That this is supposed to be a sexy song but it has that "spit cup" line in it automatically adds the song to this list by default.

George Strait - River of Love
We hope for more from the King than this warmed-over seventies pop-country, but since he made it up to us with the stellar "Twang" album, this song's inclusion here is just a minor speed bump. In the grand scheme of things, it's better than the other songs on this list and the dishonorable mentions, but as they say, "to whom much is given much is expected."

Dishonorable Mentions: Rodney Atkins "Chasin' Girls" - Toby Keith "God Love Her" - Jason Aldean "She's Country"

Dec 17, 2009

Top 10 Wishes on Any Real Good ol' Girl's Christmas List

(according to country music)

10. $10,000 Gift certificate to Panama Tan

9. Crate of Jack Daniels (to brush up on ability to hold her liquor)

8. A quadruple barrel shotgun (to shoot abusive, cheating boyfriend)

7. Year's supply of cut off jeans

6. Year's supply of bikini tops

5. Swimming lessons (so she can skinny dip without drowning)

4. Touch up on tramp stamp

3. Enough condoms for one year of Friday nights

2. Bible

Top 10 Wishes on Any Real Good ol' Boy's Christmas List

(according to country music)

10. A second winch (in case the first one burns out)

9. Gift certificate to Beer and Pork Rinds Emporium

8. False teeth (to replace ones lost due to Skoal dipping)

7. A case of Skoal

6. David Allan Coe discography (on cassette tape)

5. A triple barrel shotgun (to shoot beer cans)

4. A new hunting dog

3. A new shotgun for new hunting dog

2. Tanning spray for right arm

Rodney Atkins' Parody

15 Minutes

(Parody of Rodney Atkins' "15 Minutes")


I took a fall from the music charts, late oh-nine

With all my number one singles, I really don't know why

Yeah I was going strong

Thought fame would last long

But I guess that's a lie

I used to be all jet set

Now it's coach when I fly


I had "These Are My People"

And three or four more, that's right

And it was the best

15 minutes of my life


Now I’ve heard it said

Two flops in a row 'll kill you

But I thought it was still true

That simple's always in style

My fav'rite rhyme is world, yeah, with girl

Deep thinkin' ain’t advised

Got a formula

Dopey stuff and stereotypes


I've got songs about tractors

Spilled nuggets and girls, so why

Was that the best

15 minutes of my life?

Oh why


What did I ever do to radio

Think I'm going to be cleaning my gun tonight


I had "These Are My People"

And one about hell, that's right

And it was the best

15 minutes of my life

Stardom was the best

15 minutes of my life

That’s right


Hello?

Dec 16, 2009

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