Prop Me Up Beside the Juice Bar When I Die
So Help Me Up
Off My Lawn Attitude
B-I-N-G-O
A Good Run of Bad Back
Put Yourself in My Skechers
An Elder Man
The Orthofeet You’re Wearing
Edentulate Kisses
He Thinks He’ll Bathe Her
I Feel Achy
This One’s Gonna Hurt Me
Attempted
Sigh Sigh Sigh
Rock My World Geriatric Girl
Brand New Teeth
Clarks Scootin’ Boogie
My Next Leakin’ Fart
Ms. Humes went on to list several of the songs that would find their way across the airwaves this month. They included:
“Long Black Train” Josh Turner
“Two Black Cadillacs” Carrie Underwood
“(The Black Dress Song) Getting You Home” Chris Young
“Black Tears” Florida-Georgia Line
“Blue on Black” 5 Finger Death Punch ft. Brantley Gilbert
“Blacktop Gone” Jason Aldean
“Black” Dierks Bentley
“Where the Blacktop Ends” Keith Urban
“Black Jacket” Tim McGraw
Many of the comments below the post expressed concern that possibly the radio giants may be missing the point of Black History Month. “Couldn’t you just… you know… play some black artists?” asked Barry Summers. “Some of those were never even singles… it’s like you’re going as far out of your way as possible not to play Charley Crockett or Mickey Guyton,” replied Laverne Shirley. “How will a Jason Aldean song make anyone on earth think of Black people? This is sooo stupid.” said Terry Hogan.
While none of those complaints were addressed, Humes did add an additional comment. “No, we will not be playing Clint Black or Blackhawk songs because that’s old people music. Josh Turner is already pushing it.”
At press time, the media giants had also removed Johnny Cash’s “Man in Black” because of its age and also some complaints from listeners that the song was “lib’rul grooming.”
“You could get a McDonald’s combo for two friggin’ dollars and ninety-nine cents, my brother in Christ,” said a gobsmacked Kaitlyn Mack. “It’s like ten bucks now; I blame whoever is President at this moment.” Mack perused ‘throwback’ photos of 90s prices on Instagram, mouth agape, as she proudly sported her $200 vintage Reba McEntire t-shirt she bought off eBay.
Jason Harkenson, an Uber driver from West Memphis, told us he’d initially gotten really into Patty Loveless and Clint Black before noticing the price on someone’s vintage Alan Jackson concert ticket they’d posted on Reddit. “You could get into a show for $25 back then? That’s what parking is now…” he said, Ricochet blasting in the background. “And then I stupidly kept digging and found out a person making $9 an hour could afford a pretty good apartment back then. What the absolute f**k?? I’ve got two jobs and a roommate.”
Many of the younger 90s country fans who took this depressing journey expressed sadness that they’d gone from digging “Friend in Low Places” and mullets to being despondent about the nineties including both $5/6pk beer and strong economic growth and a steady job market.
“Wish I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then, indeed.” lamented Harkenson.
