Showing posts with label Dierks Bentley. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dierks Bentley. Show all posts

Oct 5, 2023

Transformers Country Reaction Gifs

When you notice there's a Sam Hunt show in your town soon

When you're pissed off that your Transformer isn't a squatted pickup truck

♫ Go rest high on that mountain 

The proper response to hearing "Drunk on a Plane" in 2023

Every bro-country song be like...

If your girlfriend wanted you to cut off your mullet right after Morgan Wallen cut his

If you claim you can make it through a Walker Hayes album

Zach Bryan fans when he drops some more sad high school boy poetry
*This is from Go-Bots, but I don't care*

Major label to newly signed Americana dude:
"Can you add a bridge to this song?"

When I see Aldean and Maren Morris fans going at it

Charles Wesley Godwin fans when he drops some more sad Appalachian man poetry

May 25, 2023

The Current Poop of Mainstream Country Radio: May '23

A poop emoji is negative, a strike thru is positive, an asterisk
denotes a song where the good attributes and the bad are dead even.


The current Poop Rating of the Mediabase Top 20 is (-6) overall which is a 9 point drop from March (the previous time we did this chart). The best song is Cody Johnson's "Human." The worst is Parmalee's "Girl in Mine" which is somehow worse than Dan + Shay and Tyler Hubbard's current offerings. It's pretty precipitous drop in quality from last time, but we're heading into summer so that's to be expected. It's nice to see Joe Nichols back in the top 20!


Chart info from Mediabase/Country Aircheck.


May 19, 2023

Dierks Bentley Just as Surprised as You That He Has 22 #1 Hits

Country music star Dierks Bentley reported Thursday that he is just as surprised as you to find out that he has twenty-two number one country hits. The Arizona-born singer expressed outright shock that he’d reached such an impressive milestone.

“22??” he asked incredulously, “How is that even possible when it takes a year for a song to move up the chart if your name isn’t Morgan Wallen or Luke Combs?” He couched that statement with a “No offense guys; take me on tour.”


Bentley went on to attempt to name 10 of the songs that hit number one on either the Mediabase/Country Aircheck country chart. 


“Well obviously there’s “Gold” which I remember because it’s my last single, but after that it gets sketchy,” he laughed. “Okay, uh… “What Was I Thinkin’” was my first, then there were like 5 in a row that sounded alike that might’ve hit #1… does “Every Mile Down the Road I Go Alone” sound right?”


“”Sideways!” …that’s one for sure,” he went on. “Okay, being drunk somewhere popped into my head… a beach, a plane, church?, maybe at Kid Rock’s bar?” 


Bentley, 47, was unable to name another of his single releases that had topped the charts correctly, throwing out phrases like he was playing Win, Lose, or Draw. “It’s hard because, you know, either my songs are party hard uptempo songs or mid tempo songs about driving somewhere, it’s difficult to keep up, honestly,” admitted Bentley.


At press time, Dierks was lamenting not being a trend-chaser and was considering a few bass drops and curse words on his next record. 


Apr 12, 2023

Elderly Country Songs: Dierks, Koe Wetzel, Sam Hunt, etc.


Dierks Bentley

Drunk on a Golf Cart

Somewhere on a Bus

What the Hell Did You Say




Ashley McBryde

Granny Put Your Bra On

Gospel Night at the Bingo Hall

Light on in the Chrysler




Sam Hunt

Nursing Home Party

83

Breaking Up Was Easy in the 50s

Take My Time




Koe Wetzel

February 28, 1946

Shrunk Driving

Can’t Die Young




Jake Owen

Best Thing Since Butterscotch

Down to the Coffee Shop

8 Second Cramp




Jon Pardi

Heart Medication

Dirt on My Velcros

Heart Attack on the Dance Floor

Smokin’ a Pall Mall

Apr 7, 2022

The Current Poop of Mainstream Country Radio: April '22

 A poop emoji is negative, a strike thru is positive. Total score below the chart.


The current Poop Rating of the Mediabase Top 20 is (-8) overall which is an 8 point drop from January (the previous time we did this chart). The best song is Carly Pearce/Ashley McBryde’s “Never Wanted to Be That Girl.” The worst is Walker Hayes’ “AA” (big surprise, huh?). The songs are getting dumber as summer nears, like they usually do.


Chart info from Mediabase/Country Aircheck.

Oct 29, 2021

Cledus T. Judd Retires, Unable to Parody Modern Country Music

For the second time, country music satirist/parody writer Cledus T. Judd has put his pen and microphone away, announcing his immediate retirement from the music business. The writer/performer of such classics as “My Cellmate Thinks I’m Sexy” and “Living Single in a Doublewide” says he will now focus on family and his home restoration business. 

Judd already retired once, in 2015, after deciding to spend more time with his family. That retirement ended in 2018 when Ray Stevens begged him back onto the stage.


“I almost got cancelled that time around when I put out that Morgan Wallen parody “(Weight’s Goin’) Up Down, Up Down,” laughed Judd. “Weight Watchers and Gary Levox were pissed!” He went on to say that today’s social sensitivities aren’t conducive to his brand of humor. Still, he considers that a distant second to the true reason he’s calling it quits for good. 


“It’s already a parody of itself! There’s nothing for me to do,” said Judd, real name Barry Poole, of modern country music. “I guess I could just sing the existing songs in a funnier voice to let the listener know how ridiculous lyrics like “ayyy my girl is bangin’” and “we turning up, got double cups” already are.” Poole said he longed for the days of the nineties and early two-thousands when mainstream country subject matter was varied and the writing was full of imagery.


“I looked at the chart yesterday and half the songs were thirty-something dudes singing songs about twenty-something dudes picking up girls at a bar and hitting the backroads. That’s like if all my songs were about bodily functions… oh wait.” he winked. “Anyway, with ‘truck’ in every song… the only funny words that rhyme are ‘suck’ and the f-word, neither of which are in my ‘PG but still somehow offensive’ wheelhouse.”


As we closed out the interview, Judd went off on a short tangent attempting to come up with parody titles of current songs on the spot as if reconsidering his decision. “Fanning my poots” …no, “blowing you”… hell no, “best thing since fat girls” …screw it. I’m done.”


Jun 17, 2020

Top 10 Biggest Jerks in 2000s Country


Some would imagine that the fan-friendly, upbeat country music scene of 2000-2009 would not be as likely to contain divas and d-bags as the more recent country music diaspora. Some would be very, very wrong. Here are some of the genre's most egregious offenders.

10. Jo Dee Messina
Brings a Coke can into church so she has somewhere to spit her dip. Constantly brags about her Peloton.

9. Billy Currington
Once fought with an old guy about a boat wake or something. [edit: being told this actually happened]
Considers his duet with Shania Twain the highpoint of her career.

8. Sara Evans
At concerts, will only perform her biggest hits as spoken word. Made Trick Pony use a utility closet as a dressing room when they opened for her. 

7. Brad Paisley
Working with legal team to get “dad jokes” copyrighted so he can sue everybody who uses the term. When people join his group text promotion, he sells their numbers to escort services.

6. Dierks Bentley
Publicly and profanely humiliates anyone who misspells his name. Eats Taco Bell on his bus. Uses the bathroom on his band’s bus.

5. Phil Vassar
Plays “Bobbi with an I” as his encore at concerts. Avoids eye contact with anyone shorter than him. Has an album of Drake covers coming out soon.

4. Cyndi Thomson
Bogarts the joint. “I Crossfit” is her entire Facebook bio. Won’t use the zipper merge in traffic.

3. Steve Holy
Cheats at foosball. Won’t flush a floater. Performs Tekashi 6ix9ine songs on Tik Tok. 

2. Mark Wills
Covers a Wheeler Walker Jr. song when he sees there are lots of kids at his concert. Still does the “flaming bag of shit” prank on neighbors despite being in his 40s. Has long conversations in front of what you need at Walmart.

1. John Rich
Wait, who authorized putting an actual jerk on here?

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