If Sex-Related Country Songs Had Honest Titles

She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy (Kenny Chesney)

would be

It Doesn't Take Much to Get in her Cut-off Jeans

She Cranks My Tractor (Dustin Lynch)

would be

She Gives This Redneck an Erection

Brown Chicken Brown Cow (Trace Adkins)

would be

Farm Animals Like to Watch Us Do the Nasty

Back That Thing Up (Justin Moore)

would be

Let's Go Doggy-Style...on a Hay Bale

She Thinks His Name Was John (Reba McEntire)

would be

She Used to Spread Like Parkay

Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy (Big and Rich)

would be

Heres a Bumper Sticker Slogan, Let's F**k

Big Green Tractor (Jason Aldean)

would be

My Wang is Not the Right Color

I've Already Loved You In My Mind (Conway Twitty)

would be

I Rubbed One Out in the Bathroom Before I Introduced Myself

Nothing On But the Radio (Gary Allan)

would be

These Weight Loss Commercials are Really Killing My Boner

Bob That Head (Rascal Flatts)

would be

Give Me Oral, This is How You Sonic

Something To Do With My Hands (Thomas Rhett)

would be

Oooooh, Boobies

Morning Desire (Kenny Rogers)

would be

Morning Wood

I Melt (Rascal Flatts)

would be

ugh, never mind….

These exist....

Gary Levox earrings....

Quite a bargain too!

If ____ wrote a Christmas song....

If Rodney Atkins wrote a Christmas song…

America at Christmas is a magical place

Christmas Happy Meal puts a smile on my son's face

He's been a good boy this year

I like beer

If you're going through Walmart, please say hey!

If Metallica wrote a Christmas song…

Snow white as corpses

Cold arctic forces

Impending voices and bells they will toll

Blood red ribbons

Pray you're forgiven

Or Santa will slip you some hell-blackened coal

If Taylor Swift wrote a Christmas song…

Our song is a ringing jingle bell

Crackling fire burning in the fireplace

That "misfits" song by the dentist elf

Your Mariah ringtone on my cell

If Soulja Boy wrote a Christmas song…

Pretty boy here need a winter time blow

Soulja Boy sleigh ride if you wanna go

Okaaaaayyyy, Imma wrap you up in a bow

Or we can snort a line of that falling snow

Pretty boy 'bout to Santaclause dat ho ho ho

If Ke$ha wrote a Christmas song…

I'm in my coupe with some eggnog and Goose

Turn up the Jay-Z real loud and go "whoo!"

Tik tok I'm so hot in my red "f-me" shoes

Santa comes at Christmas, I think I will too

If The Black Eyed Peas wrote a Christmas song…

Ooooh Ha! Ooooooh Ha!

Chrismaschristmaschristmaschristmas time!

Drop it till the dance floor shines

Yeeeeeaah pop! Ooooooooh Ha!

Hang up da stockins, let da ribbons unroll

Wise man got the myrrh but I want da gold

Oooooooh Ha!

If John Rich wrote a Christmas song…

Jesus was sent to save one and all

But everybody's having a holiday ball

Forgetting what it means, they're just worried about bling

The war on Christmas gets in my craw

Bartender I need another drink

If Eminem wrote a Christmas song…

Fat b*tch get out my chimney, what the f*ck you got on?

Look like Rick Ross in red, man don't say you're big boned

I got the millimeter pointed right at your dome

Drop the bag, f*g, or you're gonna taste the chrome

If Nirvana had written a Christmas song…

I'm so stupid, it's all gone

Reindeer have feelings

Diplomatic tones

Drown in a blender and dance on the stones

Mr. bell ringer

Just leave me alone

Random Doppelganger

This isn't particularly music related other than John Douche Rich being in this photo with Gary Busey and Lil Jon (photo from their Celebrity Apprentice appearance). But wow, isn't Gary looking like financial advisor/host/author Suze Orman these days?

Don't Miss It!

Odds & Ends

Free t-shirt design for up and coming Texas country artists

You're welcome!

Well damn! I wanted the explicit versions!

An honest logo: TK

Thanks Rita!

Bucky Covington's new haircut?

Looks nice!

Hurley & Cambria

Only that rare combination of Lost/Coheed & Cambria fan will get this... okay, maybe not even them.

New in the FTM Store

The Taylor Face is always in style, especially when it's on your shirt. Here's a little something for the ladies from the non-existent Farce the Music Store. Not available in women's sizes S-2XL. Don't place your orders now!

Exclusive shot of Brad Paisley's bruise

FTM just received this exclusive photo of the bruise Brad Paisley sustained from his recent fall...

Huh, that's weird.

Redneck Resolutions

Redneck Resolutions

Done made it through another twelve

Still sane and in one piece

Only spent a month in jail

Been good since I's released

But this year as the fireworks fly

i feel a little strange

And it ain't just this Miller Lite

Naw, it's time i made some change

Chorus

Next year I won't drink Jim Beam ...on the way to church

And I guess I'll quit dippin' ...this tumor reallly hurts

Won't git rough with my woman ...unless she hits me first

Come on new year, big boy, do your worst

Almost got the trailer paid off

And the boy's bout done with school

Plan for his future like I ought

I'll buy him a set of tools

Gonna be nicer to my ex wife

I'll tone it down to "witch"

And if I go road hunting at night

I'll at least park in the ditch

Chorus

And next year I won't drink Old Crow ...till i get off of work

I reckon I'll quit smokin' ...my lungs feel like they'll burst

Won't cuss loud at the Walmart ...and I'll stop stealin' Certs

Come on new year, big boy, do your worst

Bridge

Raise up your tall boys, here's to the future

These are my redneck resolutions

Next year I won't drink so much ...on the way to church

And I guess I'll quit dippin' ...this tumor reallly hurts

Won't git rough with my woman ...unless she hits me first

Come on new year, big boy, do your worst

Come on twenty-ten, do your worst

©2009 Corey Parkman

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New Ed Hardy shirt design

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