Showing posts with label Satirical Lyrical. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Satirical Lyrical. Show all posts

Aug 23, 2012

Lyrical Satirical: The Country Listing Song



The Country Listing Song
©2012 FTM Satires

Kudzu on a city limit sign
Pasture party past the county line
Jack and Jim
And redneck friends
Bonfire, tailgate, melon rind

This is the country listing song
Come on everybody, sing along
Scream "hell yeah" if you're country strong
Say I ain't country, I'll prove you wrong
With this here country listing song

City folks and cities suck
I like bass fishin' and whitetail bucks
Hank and Strait
Barbecue plate
Hot cousin in my pickup truck

This is the country listing song
Come on everybody, sing along
Scream "hell yeah" if you're country strong
Say I ain't country, I'll prove you wrong
With this here country listing song

Bridge
Jesus, mama, American way
Small town, love, some other cliché

This is the country listing song
Drink Bud Light till the night is gone
Trim your beard with a shaver from Braun
Try Medifast, tell that gut "So long!"
Get I Heart Radio on your iPhone
This is the country listing song

Apr 30, 2012

I'm Not That Country




I'm Not That Country
©2012 FTM Satires

I just got these boots
My stylist said that they look cute
And the torn up jeans with with embroidered seams
Will make the girls and their mamas squall
I'm not that country, y'all

I don't play guitar
Didn't cut my teeth in sawdust bars
Wasn't Nashville bound till the day I was found
Modeling Hollister in the mall
I'm not that country, y'all

Chorus
Got Flo Rida bumpin' and my Tahoe cleaned up good
Driving up to Music Row from my gated neighborhood
Meeting with my handlers to work on interview and drawl
I'm a country singer, but I'm not that country y'all

I've never drank moonshine
And I only dipped a couple times
When I used to pitch on college scholarship
I've never shot a game of eight ball
I'm not that country, y'all

Chorus 
I'm not fond of gravel but I've got a barbed wire tattoo
Only time I've shot a shotgun is on Modern Warfare 2
I'll be more authentic after this next conference call
I'm a country singer, but I'm not that country y'all

Bridge
Somebody please send me a link
to Jimmy Cash's wiki page
So I'll know who I'm talking about
When I start dropping names

Chorus
Got some Aldean bumpin' and my Tahoe cleaned up good
Driving up to a photo shoot from my gated neighborhood
Change a word on a Wiseman song, co-writing ain't hard at all
I'm a country singer, but I'm not that country y'all

Tag
I just got these boots
My stylist said that they look cute

Apr 12, 2012

Smells Like Country


When I found out Randy Houser's new single is called "How Country Feels," that set my twisted mind in motion.

















Smells Like Country
©2012 Farce the Music Satires

When I drive my pickup down Poontang Road
Tossin' out a big ol' garbage load
Deer guts and empty bottles of 'skey
Man, that smells like country to me

When I scare up a skunk in the soybean field
And catch a whiff of the old paper mill
Cut a big fart cuz I ate baked beans
Man, that smells like country to me

Chorus
Yeah, that's the odor of the rural route
Them's the scents I'm about, ya see
Hey city boy, it ain't foul it ain't funky
Naw, that smells like country
to me

When my woman's  been mowing in daisy dukes
She gets me a beer and takes off my boots
And we make sweet love on the pleather seat
Man, that smells like country to me

(Chorus)

Bridge
Dead fish rotting in the Okatoma
Cow crap's such a sweet aroma
Chitlins, moonshine, Ford exhaust
If you don't like it, that's your loss

Cause that's the odor of the rural route
Them's the scents I'm about, ya see
Hey city boy, it ain't foul it ain't funky
Naw, that smells like country
to me

Aug 28, 2011

Satirical Lyrical: It's Sad When People Die

It's Sad When People Die
©2011 Farce Satires

Mama said "Your aunt wants to see you"
"She's only got a little while"
So I shuffled up to her bedside
Doing my best to smile
My aunt said "Boy, you're growing tall"
"Son here's some advice of mine
The secret to a happy life…."
And that's when she flatlined

It's sad when people die
Listen to this song and cry
Remember those who aren't alive
Rolled out of here like tears from your eyes
It's so sad
So sad when people die

Granddaddy was older than Cain
I was helping him in the yard
We had a few laughs raking the leaves
And washing his old car
When we were done we shared some Cokes
And he poured in a little Beam
He said "Someday, son, I won't be here"
Then he slumped over on the swing

It's sad when people die
Listen to this song and cry
Remember those who aren't alive
Saying goodbye with one last sigh
It's so sad
So sad when people die

Bridge
I came home from college 'cause dad was sick
And you just can't get time back
Pulled in the drive in Granddad's old car
And ran over my dog Jack

It's sad when doggies die
Listen to this song and cry
Remember those up in the sky
Gone from this place like your face's smile
It's so sad
So sad when people and doggies die

Jul 27, 2011

Satirical Lyrical: Get Drunk, Shoot Pool, Skinny Dip, Repeat

Get Drunk, Shoot Pool, Skinny Dip, Repeat
©2011 FTM Satires

Hey hey man it's five o'clock
I jump in my truck and pop a top
Arm out the window getting a tan
Tall boy Bud in my other hand
Dip in my mouth, jeans on my butt
Headin' to Snookers, I tell you what
To get me a pitcher and shoot eight ball
Then go get nekkid, I'm tellin' y'all

Get drunk, shoot pool, skinny dip, repeat
It's what I do the end of every week
Get drunk, shoot pool, skinny dip, repeat
And my cowboy boots never leave my feet

Hoo boy, that girl she's a ten
Musta been born in the jeans she's in
She's dancing to an old Skynyrd song
Smokin' a light and drinkin' Patron
Asked her to come an' shoot a game
Ain't gonna bother to ask her name
Cause I just wanna have a good time
All her clothes in a pile with mine

Get drunk, shoot pool, skinny dip, repeat
It's what I do the end of every week
Get drunk, shoot pool, skinny dip, repeat
And my cowboy boots never leave my feet

Bridge
We drive out to ol' Redbone Creek
Drop our drawers and take a peek
I almost die, cowgirl's a man
Naw, a pecker wasn't in my plans...

to...
Get drunk, shoot pool, skinny dip, repeat
If I see her tomorrow night, we won't speak
Get drunk, shoot pool, skinny dip, repeat
So that's why my buddies were laughin' at me
Get drunk, shoot pool, skinny dip, repeat
If I see her tomorrow night, we won't speak

Jul 7, 2011

Satirical Lyrical: I Don't Like New Things

I Don't Like New Things
©2011 FTM Satire

I hate new fangled technology
Twitter is what blackbirds do in a tree
And Facebook is my church's directory
Don't need YouTube, I've got the cable TV

Chorus
The Google is what babies say
I don't buy on-line, I use layaway
VHS is best so screw Blu-Ray
Keep your videos of cats who sing
I don't like new things

Call me old fashioned if you will
My favorite handheld's from a whiskey still
And Blackberries grow on a sticker bush
And I buy Hustler to see naked tush

Oh, the Google is what babies say
And Tom-Tom don't tell me the way
I hand 'em cash if my pals need pay
It better be pong if you wanna ping
I don't like new things

Bridge
My phone's still got a curly cord
The post office is my message board
My silent dishwasher's also my wife
Don't need no Wi-fi in my life

Oh, the Google is what babies say
Got a Co-op, I don't need eBay
And iPad that sounds pretty strange
I don't buy shit from Beijing
I don't like new things

Jun 21, 2011

Satirical Lyrical: A Realistic Summer Song

Here's a more realistic take on all the "got my girl and the weekend and my truck and we're going to the cabin and life is good" songs that come out about this time of year, just in time for summer country radio.

Here We Go
©2011 FTM Satire

I already paid the cabin rent
So we'll have fun, or you can go get bent
You're mad that your poodle couldn't come
But her yappin' makes it hard to get me some
Get your dirty feet off my dash
And gas is high, you best pitch in some cash
Beer is cold, but it's only Natty Light
The music's loud cause we just had a fight

But here we go
Down this old dirt road
Skies are blue, the sun's aglow
We got fish to catch and boats to row
Stop calling me a so and so
Oh no, here we go

Good thing you look good as you look
Cause you won't touch a fish or bait your hook
Girl I thought you quit those cigarettes
You said you've got bad habits you ain't quit yet
Water's fine but I don't like your drift
And I think that bikini top is last year's fit
Now you say you need to take a leak
But I think we're paddling up shit creek

Oh here we go
Sun is hangin' low
Boat's takin' on water slow
Dragonflies dipping to and fro
Try to kiss you but you say no
Oh no, here we go

Bridge
Now the rain is falling on this old tin roof
Your nightshirt's got me in the mood
But we ain't said a single word
And you're over there playin' Angry Birds

Oh here we go
The end is coming close
Rain comin' down like our hopes
No romance in the candle glow
Guess I'll watch the Kimmel show
Oh no, here we go

May 18, 2011

Satirical Lyrical: Suburban Outlaw

Suburban Outlaw
©2011 FTM Satire

I never drive less that ten miles past the limit
Sometimes I log on Facebook just for unfriendin'
I hide Skoal from my wife in the glove compartment
Sometimes I blame other folks when I did the fartin'

I'm a suburban outlaw
A Durango drivin' desperado
Got a backlog of parking tickets
If my nose has a boogie, damn right I pick it
That's how I roll, y'all
I'm a suburban outlaw

I'm a dangerous man spinning four bald tires
Sometimes I drink milk that's two days expired
Half of my music collection wasn't paid for
I dump grass clippings in the yard of my neighbor

I'm a suburban outlaw
A light beer buzzin' desperado
I flirt with every Hooters waitress
If I want a hotel robe, damn right I take it
That's how I roll, y'all
I'm a suburban outlaw

Bridge
I'm public enemy number five-thousand eight
Sent Black Swan back to Netflix two months late
My fantasy football team has a dirty name
Association dues ain't paid, you know who to blame

I'm a suburban outlaw
Yell at the coach when my son plays baseball
Sometimes I like to crank Limp Bizkit
Pretend I'm not home to a Jehovah's Witness
That's how I roll, y'all
I'm a suburban outlaw

May 8, 2011

Satirical Lyrical: Never Mind the Tatts

Never Mind the Tatts
©2011 FTM Satire

Hey y'all, remember me?
Just bought a new house in Tennessee
With the cash I made in alternative rock
But that ain't sellin' and the bills don't stop

So here I am
A country boy by damn
I've got a new drawl
And listen to me yell yeehaw
So, I'm from up north
There's dirt roads in New York
If I ain't country, I'll eat my hat
Never mind the tatts

I like salutin' the American flag
Buyin' Marlboros and taking a drag
I like to drive my new pickup real fast
And listen to me say "Johnny Cash!"

Oh, here I am
A country boy by damn
I've got a new twang
And listen to me yell hot dang!
So I pierced my nose
I'm dirty as a gravel road
If I ain't country, I'll eat my hat
Never mind the tatts

Bridge
Never mind the Mercedes Benz
Never mind my Hollywood friends
Never mind what TMZ might say
That whole gay thing was just a phase

And here I am
A country boy by damn
I've got a new drawl
And listen to me yell yeehaw
So I'm from up north
Shootin' coons is my favorite sport
If I ain't country, I'll eat my hat
Never mind the tatts

Apr 27, 2011

Satirical Lyrical: Token Summer Song

Token Summer Song
©2011 FTM Satire

Flip flops, cutoffs, one armed tan
Catfish, bonfire, beer in hand
Southern belles in bikini tops
Cigarettes and dodging the cops

This is my token summer song
Ride your jet ski and sing along
Mow the grass and kiss my ass
And party till daylight's gone
Hey, this is my token summer song

June, July and August too
Red sunburns and Red Man chew
Merle, Cash, Waylon on the stereo
And don't forget David Allan Coe

This is my token summer song
Fire up the grill and sing along
Swat a bug, take a Miller chug
And take off what you got on
Hey, this is my token summer song

Bridge
My life sucks every day for eight
Till I punch the clock in the face
Then I'm rollin' like my truck is stolen
Thank God for summer days

This is my token summer song
So hitch your Starcraft off the lawn
It's so rad to get radio adds
Predictable as winter's long
Hey, this is my token summer song

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