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New Americana Band Vows to Stay Apolitical Until They’re Popular

Up-and-coming Americana group The Red Lions are making waves with more than just their music. The four-piece out of Homewood, AL are impressing with their streaming numbers for their self released debut record and selling out rooms across the south, but their approach to songwriting is also turning some heads. 

“They say ‘everything is political,’ but we’re the exception,” said Lions bandleader Joe Sparkman. “We avoid taking positions so hard that we went back and edited out a line about drinking a Bud Light even though the song is set in 1989.” 

The four-piece has deftly stayed clear of being labeled by writing songs only about work, drinking and love, while steering away from any sort of signifiers or coded terms that might out them as Democrats or Republicans. “We love and respect all our fans and welcome them into our big tent, at least until we’re popular. Then 50% of them can kiss our asses!” laughed drummer Laura Lofton. 

The Red Lions’ music also avoids classification. Blending country, rock, pop, folk, soul, hard rock, southern rock, indie rock, outlaw country, and R&B in perfectly equal parts in every song, the band literally can barely be described. Despite being impossible to market, they’ve managed to get a couple of songs to over 100k streams on Spotify, including “Coal Mining and Liquor” and “Laid Off at the Paper Mill.” 

While the band has gained a great deal of traction on streaming platforms, they’re having a hard time finding a touring partner. “We had one potential supporting tour for a major band, but they were gonna make us sign a social intersectionality pact or some shit. And another big singer wanted us to get tiny MAGA tattoos to come aboard. So we’re mostly opening for ourselves so far.” said Sparkman.

When asked about the band’s plans after passing their threshold of “success,” bassist Reed Wilkes chimed in. “Shortly after crossing 100,000 monthly listeners, we will go into the studio and write an album in which we write ham-fisted lyrics railing against whatever the current Presidential administration is, while leaning into EDM and other styles our original fans don’t care for, so they’ll have to say ‘their first album is actually good’ when somebody mentions us for the rest of their lives.” 

At press time, The Red Lions were being ambivalent about their lunch plans.

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Woman Googles Country Singer’s Politics to Make Sure She Likes The Song

A recent convert to country music fandom, Marietta Lester of West Memphis, AR, is doing a little research. The song she just heard on a TikTok video really grabbed her. So much so that she replayed the video several times, bobbing her head along to the sparse but plaintive tune. 

“I had to stop myself though!” said a concerned Lester. “I can’t be sure that the melody is truly pleasing to my ears until I make sure the singer shares the exact same political ideologies as me.” 

Lester immediately began to scan the internet to verify that she did indeed enjoy the song. “What if he supports the people who are trying to destroy our country?” she pondered. “What if he didn’t boycott the same companies I was boycotting in 2016??”

Throughout her Google, Wikipedia, and Twitter (X) investigation, Lester searched both the singer’s name and the song’s title, to little avail. His only online presence of note was the one TikTok video and an old Reddit sportscar thread where he called someone a “dickhead” in 2019. 

“I just need to be sure it’s good - my ears have lied to me before.” said Lester. “It’d be so bad if I told the people in my bubble I like the song and they already had the inside scoop that he was one of those fascists on the other side of the political aisle! They’d kick me off the text thread and Linda wouldn’t meet me for brunch at Another Broken Egg on Friday mornings anymore!”

Very little is known of the viral sensation who dropped the hot song, other than his rural living situation and clear lack of a wardrobe consultant. The artist has been courted by several political firebrands on Twitter, but seems content to move his career along slowly.

At press time, Marietta dropped her head a bit and said “Well, the song isn’t actually good after all; he’s a f***ing centrist.”

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Note: This is satire. I personally get a centrist vibe from the song, but I think the "fudge rounds" line was off-putting and distracting.

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