'Shopped Pop Album Covers Day

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #22

The key to creating a memorable title or line is to take a common phrase and twist it. For instance: "four on the floor," a cool way to describe a four-speed manual transmission can be used thusly:

"Had my GTO rollin', girl said "you wanna score?"

Stopped so damn fast, that car had whore on the floor"

Or "the man in the moon" can become "the man in the poon" for a song about making sweet love. It's that simple. Write on beeatches!

Songs Illustrated 10

FWC&G: Toby

Click for a closer view.

LoCash fans' favorite beverage

She's Countrier: A Satire

This is a send-up of all the "my woman is a real country gal" songs... (She's Country in particular)

She's Countrier

v1

She was breach born in a Silverado

Raised in shed in a backwoods hollow

Fed cold collards, cheese and pimento

Smelling pig crap every time the wind blows

Lift

Yeah, we're from the same bloodline

But the reason that she's mine

Chorus

She's countrier

Than a muddy ol' fat sow

She's countrier

The girl can work a plow

You wanna see cornfed, better come see her

Your girl might be country but she's countrier

v2

She drinks moonshine like its faucet water

Wears cutoffs to church, no she shouldn't oughtta

She yells "Yeehaw!" everytime she sneezes

Got a rebel flag tatt right next to Jesus

Lift

That's right, the girl's got class

Can get a coon treed real fast

Chorus

She's countrier

Than a poison ivy rash

She's countrier

Name on every overpass

You wanna see a yokel, better come meet her

You might know some country but she's countrier

Bridge

She loves America and Camel cigarettes

All three of the Hanks and cooking up meth

She's countrier

Than ol' David Alan Coe

She's countrier

Than a homemade garden hoe

You gotta hike through kudzu to come see her

You've been to the country but she's countrier

Taylor Swift Top Ten

I'm declaring a 2-month moratorium on any humor related to Taylor Swift's voice, after this...

Top 10 Things You Didn't Know About Taylor Swift

10. Bites her nails... her toenails

09. Does a mean Stanky Legg

08. When people talk bad about her singing, she dries her tears with thousand dollar bills

07. Doesn't know who Tony Romo is

06. Really been getting into sludge metal lately

05. Her Yahoo password? FUCU69

04. Has filed a petition to get "OMG" into the 2010 Webster's Dictionary

03. Once jaywalked

02. Owns the entire Wrestlemania collection on Blu-Ray

01. Serious Copenhagen habit

Another CMA Random shot...

I should stop...

...but I can't help myself. A scene from the CMA's.

R.I.P.

Top 10 Interruptions on Kanye West's Upcoming Itinerary

10. Scripted self-mocking interruption on Saturday Night Live appearance (before returning to usual M.O. of actual interrupting)

09. Bringing Senate vote on health care bill to a halt with his interpretive reading of "Green Eggs and Ham"

08. Ending his next album half way through track 7 (featuring Lupe Fiasco), despite listing 13 songs

07. Coitus interruptus w/very unhappy girlfriend to go play Wii

06. Yelling out spoilers at early screenings of New Moon

05. Interrupting Billy Joe Shaver at next Americana Music Awards, narrowly dodging a bullet in the process

04. Telling his psychiatrist "I'mma let you finish, but Freud was the best of all time... of all time!"

03. Interrupting the choral invitation at his church Sunday with a short rendition of "Drunk and Hot Girls"

02. Shushing Walmart greeter mid-hello

01. Interrupting Creed's comeback, winning back the respect of music fans everywhere

Taylor Swift, CMA Darling: A Venn Diagram

Songs Illustrated 9

Country Day: November 09

Tomorrow is....

Country Day: November

Come back (tonight) tomorrow for 15+ new Photoshopped parody album covers!

Top 10 Sleazy Songs The Bellamy Brothers Have Yet to Record

10. I Loved Cougars When Cougars Weren't Cool

09. There's More of Me (Neath These Sansabelt Jeans)

08. Come Take a Bath (With a Dirty Old Man)

07. Pour Some Rubbing Alcohol on Me

06. Everything is Drooping But This (The Cialis Song)

05. I Do My Best Talking With My Hands (Deaf Girl)

04. Five Minute Expression (of Three Hours of Desire)

03. Take Off Your Girdle and Jacket

02. I Figure Your Figure Might Figure Into My Night

01. Nursing Home Badonkadonk

Snap Judgments: Promo Only Country Radio Dec. 09

I have a friend who worked at a country radio station in the 90's and he used to let me have these Promo Only Country Radio comp's pretty regularly but I haven't listened to one since the (non-legal) Napster days. An anonymous source sent this newest edition to me to review... can't imagine why - except that it's got 5 of my favorite targets (Toby Keith, Justin Moore, Jimmy Wayne, Rascal Flatts, Fast Ryde) on one album! Fish in a barrel and me with this shotgun! I doubt this will become a regular series, since I don't have access to these compilations (but hey, anonymous or somebody else, keep 'em coming if possible!).

Anyway, here are my snap judgments of the songs your local station will be overplaying in December if not sooner. (to be honest, I've heard a few of them before, but anyway...)

1. Chasin' Girls (Album Version) - Rodney Atkins

My IQ dropped 15 points in the 3:30 span of this song. It's not looking good for me still knowing how to spell by the end of this post. This is the dumbist song Rodney's put out yet, and that's saying sumtheeng. D-

2. Cryin' for Me (Wayman's Song) - Toby Keith

Personal, moving and maybe a little surprising, given who it's from. It's a very good song, but possibly a little too narrow in focus to go any higher than top 10 for Toby. Country radio's got no soul. B+

3. Seeing Stars - Jack Ingram with Patty Griffin

Jack tries to maintain his last shred of Americana cred with this thoughtful song featuring singer/songwriter Patty Griffin. Successful? A little, but it strives to be much deeper than it really is. Still, it did help restore my IQ a bit after Rodney's track. B-

4. Hell on the Heart - Eric Church

Not the next single I'd have chosen from Eric's fine Carolina album, but a lesser Church single is miles better than, say, Chuck Wicks' best. B-

5. Angels Like Her - Trent Tomlinson

Hmmm, I get the feeling I've heard this before. Oh yeah, I have... and I still don't like it that much. The imagery in the opening lines is great though. C

6. Backwoods - Justin Moore

Opens with a greasy southern guitar lick... that's nice. Then comes the listing of all things southern... Hmmm, I get the feeling I've heard this before. Oh yeah, I have.... in 1246 previous country pride songs... and I still don't like it that much. It is catchy though. C-

7. Make it Rain - Fast Ryde

This "difficulty of farming lament" runs about as deep as the dry creek running by their dusty farm. IQ nosediving again. Worse than "That Thang." (!!) F

8. Gimmie That Girl - Joe Nichols

Fun, catchy and warm. Solid single from one of the best voices in the genre. B+

9. Why - Rascal Flatts

I'm glad that they're touching on this serious subject that affects way too many people. That aside, this doesn't work for me, but it will be their umpteenth #1 hit. C

10. Stay - Telluride

A dull track from a band that sounds like Jake Owen lite (and Jake Owen heavy ain't much to write home about). D

11. Gotta Be Somebody - Bucky Covington (full .99 Review coming soon)

I'm not prone to cliché or violence, but this makes me want to punch kittens. F-

12. Long After I'm Gone - Big Kenny

He means well, and this is a pleasant enough song, but it's probably not going to be a hit due to his less than Clearchannel-friendly voice. C

13. Sara Smile - Jimmy Wayne Ft. Daryl Hall & John Oates

I'm starting to think this anonymous source was trying to ruin my day. This is the least country song ever released as a country song, period. If not for him being a real decent guy, I might hate Jimmy, but this is just music not life. At music, he FAILS. F

14. One More Drinkin' Song - Jerrod Niemann

This is a middle of the road drinkin' song that is unlikely to get much airplay outside the barrooms that inspired it. C-

15. Julianna - Emma Jacob

Good message, good delivery, decent song overall. If sung by Sugarland, a top 5 hit. Unfortunately, contemporary radio's about as welcoming to up-and-coming females as Adam Lambert is. B

16. The Road - Aaron Watson

Once upon a time in the 90's when country radio still had a soft spot for salt-of-the-earth country songs, this could have been a one-off hit. Now, not so much. A-

17. Hard Rain - Gwen Sebastian

Not sure what I think about this one. It's okay. I like her voice and the imagery of the chorus, but overall, the song is somehow lacking. C

18. Johnny Be Good - Doug Adkins

Suffice it to say, you won't ever hear this on the radio. Interesting to see that the Promo Only comps still include these local oddities. I like that it has some rockabilly flourish, but this is an overly awkward and very lily-white rendition of Chuck Berry's classic. Cranking up some Bo Diddley now. D-

A Closer Look: CMAs

With the 43rd annual CMAs coming up Wednesday, FTM takes a look back at one of the scenes from last year's festivities. Here's a shot of Jake Owen, Julianne Hough and Jimmy Wayne presenting an award at last year's show. Looks lovely enough huh?

But let's see what a closer look reveals! (click here for a closer view)

YouTube Gems: Butch Walker covers Taylor Swift

Wow. I'm not familiar with Butch Walker, but I'll be familiarizing myself after hearing this cover of Taylor Swift's "You Belong With Me." The music begins (and the video ends) at 2:47 and I dug it and you'll probably dig it. I have to say I enjoyed this cover more than the original. And it's surely just as country.

Top Albums of '09 Thus Far: November

Watch this space in coming weeks as there's talk of a collaborative blog effort at a Best of 2009 chart. For now...

What do I need to hear and add to this list before the end of 09?

Top Albums of 2009

As of: Nov. 6

1. Charlie Robison - Beautiful Day

2. Magnolia Electric Company - Josephine

3 Ben Nichols - The Last Pale Light in the West

4. Buddy and Julie Miller - Written in Chalk

5. Lucero - 1372 Overton Park

6. Wrinkle Neck Mules - Let the Lead Fly

7. Son Volt - American Central Dust

8. BettySoo - Heat Sin Water Skin

9. Great Lake Swimmers - Lost Channels

10. Justin Townes Earle - Midnight at the Movies

11. Drew Kennedy - An Audio Guide to Cross Country Travel

12. The Black Crowes - Before the Frost...

13. The Devil Makes Three - Do Wrong Right

14. Slaid Cleaves - Everything You Love Will Be Taken Away

15. Joshua James - Build Me This

16. Black Joe Lewis & The Honeybears - Tell 'em What Your Name Is

17. Chris Knight - Trailer Tapes II

18. Miranda Lambert - Revolution

19. Krizz Kaliko - Genius

20. Mastodon - Crack the Skye

21. Brad Paisley - American Saturday Night

22. Joe Nichols - Old Things New

23. George Strait - Twang

24. Drive-by Truckers - The Fine Print

25. Pearl Jam - Backspacer

26. The Avett Bros. - I And Love And You

27. Tom Russell - Blood and Candle Smoke

28. Sons of Bill - One Town Away

29. Deer Tick - Born on Flag Day

30. Those Darlins - s/t

31. Grant Langston - Stand Up Man

32. Guy Clark - Somedays the Song Writes You

33. Pete Bernhard - Straight Line

34. Steve Earle - Townes

35. Jay-Z - The Blueprint 3

36. Scott Warren - Quick Fix Bandage

37. Holly Williams - Here With Me

38. The Fox Hunt - America's Working So We Don't Have To

39. Jason Isbell and The 400 Unit - s/t

40. Eric Church - Carolina

41. Drive-by Truckers - Live From Austin, TX

42. Robert Earl Keen - The Rose Hotel

43. Old Californio - Westering Again

44. Wilco - Wilco (The Album)

45. The Deep Dark Woods - Winter Hours

46. Phosphorescent - To Willie

47. John Moreland & The Black Gold Band - Endless Oklahoma Sky

48. Roman Candle - Oh Tall Tree in the Ear

49. Red Fang - s/t

50. Austin Lucas - Somebody Loves You

Songs Illustrated 8

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #21

A question from e-mail.

Bret in northern California asks: "John, in the songwriting world, does it pay to be an asshole in every case, or just your own?"

Bret, I can't answer for everyone, but in life you have got to be aggressive and go after what you want. Doesn't matter who you step on during the climb if you know there's no way in hell you're coming back down. Wait, did you just call me an asshole? You m***** f*****, I'm having your I.P. address traced and coming to your damn house. You piece of sh*t! You're gonna be tasting steel toe from the wrong direction.

Not actually written by John Rich.

A few 'shopped hip-hop covers

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #20

I've heard some people say that you should keep a journal or some mess like that to write in every day. I call bullshit. A journal? That sounds kinda fruity to me. I just make sure to carry a pen with me so I can write at any given moment. Maybe you're having a five o'clock cocktail and you get a hook idea... just write it on the bar napkin. Or possibly you're enjoying an after-supper whiskey and Coke and you think of a great bridge, just scrawl it on one of those little cardboard coasters. Midnight Jägerbomb give you a great chorus for that hook you wrote earlier? Whip out your pen and finish up. So to summarize: journal = not straight.

Not actually written by John Rich.

Top 10 Positive Things About Rascal Flatts

10. They aren't LoCash Cowboys

09. Make the world safe for mundanity, mediocrity and milquetoast

08. Give the military an effective interrogation option now that most physical methods have been outlawed

07. Provide contrast on the radio to remind us just how damn good Jamey Johnson is

06. Keep hair gel industry afloat through these rocky financial times

05. Roughstock gave them a positive review

04. Help Rodney Atkins feel more confident about his vocal abilities

03. Country listeners won't forget about terminal illnesses as long as RF's on the scene

02. Lead singer proof that average-looking (occasionally chubby) guys can be sex symbols

01. They aren't Chuck Wicks

Oh, and I'm fairly certain I stole this idea from CM at www.countrycalifornia.com

New Adam Lambert album cover

Songs Illustrated 7

.99 Review: Randy Houser

.99 Review

Randy Houser

"Whistlin' Dixie"

The People's Take

New Hank Jr. (5 Stars) – We have a new Hank Jr. Thanks Randy for bringing country back to our music.

-by Bchurc01

New Country (2 Stars) – Sorry Kids but these New Guys are all the same, Can't sing without Pitch Correction Machines and everybody wants to be a Hank Jr. Whats going on with Country Music, no wonder the Rockin Rollers Laugh at these People, I feel for them. They've gone from Kareokie to Record Deal.

– by MusicMan Nut

My Take

Since this is another "I'm a real country boy" listing song and I plan to rip into it momentarily, I probably shouldn't defend Randy, but MusicMan Nut (People's Take review #2) is throwing a wide net (and what's up with his capitalizations?). Sure commercial country as a whole includes way too many glorified karaoke singers, but Mr. Houser is not one of them. His rich, genuinely country, character-filled voice is one of the reasons I still have hope for the genre. Defense over.

My biggest peeve about this song is that this title/hook was wasted on yet another grocery list. I won't claim to be a consistently Nashville-calibre songwriter (I have a couple of indie cuts and a few published songs) but I wrote a lyric a few years ago called "Whistlin' Dixie" that was about a woman in a poisonous relationship who kept threatening to leave her boyfriend and move to the south, then she finally did it... thus "she ain't just whistlin' Dixie." Again, I'm no Craig Wiseman, but mine is a far better theme for this title, in my humble opinion... but the title's commercial viability is now shot for a while.

Sour grapes (FTM's favorite food source ;)) aside, this is fairly engagingly written for what it is and does present a few elements of southern living that may not have been touched on in the 1,245 previous songs about country pride. It's also well performed. I'm fairly certain that the vocals will never be an issue with Ronnie, errr, Randy.

So why waste that instrument on this song? Surely there's some narrative that could have tied all these good ol' boy touchstones together. I know I shouldn't harp on the genre as a whole when critiquing a single, but at some point, these listing songs became a parody of themselves and even your average country radio listener is going to catch onto that soon enough. This well's almost dry, boys. Find another source, or at least find a more creative way to use this one.

All in all, "Whistlin' Dixie" is far from hate-worthy, but it's a terrible misuse of a fine set of pipes.

Bonus points for not rhyming hippy with Mississippi. And shockingly, this only gets two marks on the checklist.

Total value: .55/.99

The Checklist

Church/God

Mama

Boots

Name Dropping

Dying Person

County Fair

Lost Love

Love

Hometown/Country Pride

Kindly Advice

Truck

Whiskey

Beer

Life Affirmation

USA

Soldiers

Pop Sheen