Some appropriate reposts for 4/20

Jason Boland's new album cover for 4/20 release

Top 10 Things Miranda Lambert was Thinking When She Won ACM Best Female Vocalist

10. Blake, get your hand off your crotch, the camera's on us

9. I should have done a little more pre-drinking

8. Damn, Reba's rack is shiny

7. Wish I could shoot something, wish I could shoot something, wish I could shoot something

6. I wonder what Buddy Jewell is doing right about now?

5. Hooo, Luke Bryan's breath smelled like mountain oysters and road apples. Mix in a Mentos or something, dude.

4. How the hell does Reba get her rack that shiny???

3. Blake, stop staring at Reba's rack!

2. Yeah yeah I know, the winner is Taylor Sw... wait... what?

1. Ha ha, kiss my ass, Martina!

Miranda Lambert wins ACM Best Album, Female Vocalist

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #34

Another email question.

Dan in Nashville asks:

"Do you think the traditionally conservative mainstream country market is ready for some songs from a more liberal point of view?"

JR: Well, Obama has ruined everything else so why the f**k not? Just don't try to set up a co-write with me if you're going to bring some damn "killing babies is a laugh riot" or "why can't we all just agree to tap each other's asses?" ideas to the table. I don't roll that way, but I support your right to be incorrect.

Not actually written by John Rich.

YouTube Gems: Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings

I've been looking for some modern soul/R&B in the vein of old favorites like Otis Redding and Sam Cooke and I finally found it (though I'm a little late to the party, as usual). From their killer new album of the same name, this is Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings with "I Learned the Hard Way."

Post #1000: Jason Aldean Parody

For Farce the Music's 1000th post, here's a parody of Jason Aldean's Crazy Town.

Lazy Town

(Parody of Jason Aldean's "Crazy Town")

Roll into town, Raise quite a fuss

That you on Idol? Yes it was

Hold a guitar, show your white teeth

Welcome to Nashville, Tennessee

And I have found

Its a lazy town creatively

Everybody doin' the same damn thing

Yeah Hollywood without any Cash

To be a star you gotta smooch some ass

Sing at the Opry that keeps Hank out

Make all the soccer moms scream and shout

Payola, just pay it

They're all just tryin' to fake it in that lazy town

Former rock stars can eat for free

Put on a hat, you can be country

Write a song with three other guys

Make connections and sign some dotted lines

You won't find old or new sounds

Cause Nashvegas has got that formula down

Its a lazy town creatively

Everybody doin' the same damn thing

Yeah Hollywood without any Cash

To be a star you gotta smooch some ass

Sing at the Opry that keeps Hank out

Make all the soccer moms scream and shout

Payola, just pay it

They're all just tryin' to fake it in that lazy town

Sing about tractors and pickup trucks

and the next year make a couple million bucks

Its a lazy town creatively

Everybody chasin' that almighty green

Shallow pool without any waves

And ol' Hank's rolling over in his grave

Bend those strings like Van Halen did

And call it country, but who do they kid?

It's B.S., I hate it

Sure they're dyin' to make it

But make no mistakin'

Most are just tryin' to fake it in that lazy town

It's a lazy town

---

Post #999: Hip Hop Limericks #3

Once was a man in a situation
Chatted up a girl from the U.S. nation
He kept tryin' to get in
But she had this other "friend"
C*ck-blocking their relations

______Deserves a Sackpunch #8

Rascal Flatts

You may think you know what's next. This is where I say that the ten years Rascal Flatts has graced us with their screeching has been the worst era of commercial country music. This is where I blame them for influencing the further drift towards pop music. This is where I punch Gary The Voice in his scrotum for assaulting my eardrums on multiple occasions.

Wrong. While all that may be true, it's not worth arguing any more. Country is dead, long live country... whatever.

Fact is, for some reason I still listen to, report on, ridicule and lament country radio. Rascal Flatts is still played hourly on country radio. To that end, while I am not a fan, I want Flatts' music to be as good as it can be if I'm gonna have to hear it. Granted, the bar has been set low, but once upon a time, I counted the country boy-band as a guilty pleasure - or at least some of their songs. Those particular songs are all over 5 years old.

Since that time, RF has coasted on their relatively crappy resume, putting out song after song that barely differed from the last, at least musically. Now, I don't expect the guys to get all adventurous and put out, heaven forbid, an actual country album... or push the boundaries of commercial country in an artistic or positive direction, so I request quite the opposite.

Dance with who brung ya. Regress. Keep it simple stupid.

"Prayin' for Daylight" and "Everyday Love" introduced us to the "band" with big hooks, soaring harmonies and memorable melodies. "I Melt" was uh, cheesy goodness. "What Hurts the Most" and "These Days" were irresistibly catchy downers. "Bless the Broken Road" and "I'm Movin' On" were simple gems. Even the lyrically insipid "Mayberry" was an earworm.

Since those high water marks, aside from a couple of tolerable singles, pretty much all you've given us are mid-tempo inspirational tracks out the wazoo. There's hardly a hair's width difference between "Stand," "Unstoppable" and "Every Day." Great, they gave you airplay and ad placement, but yawn. If I want to hear elevator music, I'll go downtown. "Here?" Even the title just sits there.

If you're wondering why you're lacking in the award nominations recently, look no further than the above song releases. If even the country music machine is sick of you, something's very wrong.

You've got a cash cow in your harmonies and commercial persona. Milk it. Pop it up guys (can't believe I said that). Get campy. Do something! Don't just sit there. Much worse, in pop culture, than being a lightning rod, is being a limp dishrag.

C'mon guys, make it a little more interesting to hate you. Right now, you're fish in a barrel.

You know what's coming. A sackpunch designed to definitely hurt the most.

Country Day: April '10

Next post:

Country Day April - 18 new parody album covers!

How they got Blake Shelton to appear on The Price is Right

Fun With Charts & Graphs: Alabama

Country Doppelgängers

Inspired by Rita Ballou's hilarious recurring Texas music doppelgangers, here are a few of my own. Sorry, no wonderfully snarky gossip between entries; I don't have any inside sources. :)

I've always thought Eric Church and former WCW World Champion David Arquette looked a lot alike.

The only real resemblance between Hillary Scott of Lady Antebellum and Snooki of Jersey Shore is the pouf, but it's good enough for me!

Worry "warsher" Luke Bryan and star of annoying AT&T commercials and Idiocracy, Luke Wilson.

Here's a no-brainer. Miranda Lambert and Emilie De Ravin of Lost.

Stone country traditionalist Danny Gokey and MC Serch of early 90s rap group 3rd Bass. (Yes, there were good caucasian rappers before Eminem)

Here's another no-doubter.

Justin Bieber's new album cover

Billy Joe is not guilty (YouTube Gems)

Not guilty!

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #33

Write because you love to do it. Art becomes product when you simply write from a viewpoint of "where can this get me?" Put your heart and soul, blood and sweat into everything you write. Bring something original to the table. Ha ha, who the f*ck am I kidding? Get them presidents, baby! Write to the rhyme, not the line. Recycle cliches. Make stuff sound deep by using a few sentimental words in a piece of fluff. Chase that dolla and make the ladies holla. Kneel at the altar of that almighty green if you wanna be seen. Words to live by, ho-bags!

*Not actually written by John Rich.

Suggested new logos for country artists #3

Click for a closer view.

Regular Guy Reviews: Hellbound Glory - Old Highs and New Lows

Hellbound Glory - Old Highs and New Lows

If Jason Aldean is your idea of outlaw country, you might wanna steer away from HBG. Can you imagine Aldean uttering the words "why take the pain when I can take pain pills?" or "...have a good hate f**k?" I thought not.

Lyrics aren't the only thing that make Hellbound Glory outlaws. Their sound is also a far cry from anything you'll hear on sanitized country radio. This is stone hard country - steel guitar, heavy twang, banjo and fiddle included - rocked up just a little, a la Waylon and the boys.

With subject matter like heroin, codependent relationships, fighting and drinking oneself to death, Old Highs and New Lows doesn't actually hit a lot of emotional highs. Instead, it drags you right through the gutter the characters indwell. As depressing as that sounds, most of the songs bounce right along at mid to up-tempo, Hellbound Glory sounding absolutely vibrant and invigorating while relating their gritty tales, keeping OH&NL from ever bringing you down to the lows of the losers inhabiting their debauched landscape.

You'll be cheerfully stomping your feet right along to such non-cheerful statements as "I'm too broke to overdose." Hellbound Glory has quite a way with sharply pointed hooks like that, also giving us gems like "another bender might break me" and "we saw the one way track marks on his arm."

There's not a bad song on the album, but my favorites would have to be bourbon drenched "Be My Crutch" and "Another Bender Might Break Me." There's also a jacked-up (in a good way) cover of ol' Hank's "I'm a Long Gone Daddy," retitled "I'm Leavin' Now," not to be confused with Merle's song by the same name.

If you're a fan of Waylon, Johnny Paycheck, Old Crow Medicine Show or any of the Hanks (particularly III), you'll probably enjoy this, unless you have a problem with the "f" word, because they certainly don't.

Hellbound is right.

Listen here.

Buy here.

YouTube Gems: Insane Clown Posse

Some videos I post as YouTube Gems because they are excellent tunes, videos or live performances. Some I post because they are funny. Some are so bad they're good. I don't know where this fits in, but I do know you need to watch it. It has some naughty words, but they add to the uh, charm (?). Enjoy! Or maybe ...I'm sorry... or something.

Joe Nichols Parody

Gimme Fat Girl

(Parody of Joe Nichols' "Gimme That Girl")

Take off those old sweats

Girl rest your butt,

Cancel those reservations

We'll order Pizza Hut.

As hot as your looking right now,

Like you're pregnant with ten babies

There are sides of you I've never seen

All of your creases they amaze me.

Gimme fat girl with the hair full of sweat

Chubby little cheeks with the ginormous breasts

That's the type that I like best

Gimme fat girl

Gimme fat girl that's as big as me

Old bike shorts stretchin' at the seams

That's the kind I want to please

Gimme fat girl, gimme fat girl

Gimme that girl monumental

The kind that you can roll over on

Looks like weather balloons,

Side by side when she wears a thong

Gams big and round make me drool

We'll be some plus size porno stars

Gimme fat girl the rest of the world,

Can see from wherever they are

Gimme fat girl with the hair full of sweat

Chubby little cheeks with the ginormous breasts

That's the type that I like best

Gimme fat girl

Gimme fat girl rubbin' up on me

She can't fit in size 30 jeans

That's the kind I want to please

Gimme fat girl, gimme fat girl

[repeat]

.99 Review: Rodney Atkins - Farmer's Daughter

Rodney Atkins - Farmer's Daughter

Listen HERE

The People's Take

ANOTHER HIT (5 Stars) - This song is great!!!! Another HIT from Rodney can't wait to hear the rest of the album.

-Redneck JB

Another hit! (5 Stars) - I love, love, LOVE it! ;D

-Robinson :)

Super! (5 Stars) - Another great song from country's best star!!!! Keep 'em coming Rodney!

-rodneyfan

My Take

The plusses: It's not nearly as puerile (yeah, I pulled out the thesaurus for that one) as most of Atkins' recent knuckle-draggers. Also, it's pretty catchy. One more: it's unmistakably country.

The negatives: From the moment you read the title, you know this isn't going to plow up any new cropland, and your assumptions are correct. Of course Atkins works for the farmer. Of course the farmer's female offspring is a dime. Of course Atkins gets him a piece of that sweet potato pie. Of course they get married. Of course the bridge is only there to serve standard procedure.

The WTFs: He goes from seeing the farmer's daughter to tapping it inside of two lines with little explanation of how he got from point A to point P. How romantic. I guess we should just assume that she immediately finds the dirty farmhand's potential big green tractor skills to be worth the suspicions and doubts her dad would undoubtedly have about someone he hired to shovel shit and feed bovine.

The bottom line: It's not as bad as I'd hoped it to be, and his career has probably not reached its omega as suspected in this parody. That said, it's still dumber'n a Jake Owens groupie and twice as forgettable.

Total Value: .45/.99

The Checklist:

Church/God

Mama

Boots

Name Dropping

Dying Person

County Fair

Lost Love

Love

Hometown Pride

Kindly Advice

Truck

Whiskey

Beer

Life Affirmation

USA

Soldiers

Pop Sheen

Star Power

5 Hip-Hop/R&B Parody Covers

Satire of country music Saturday night/Sunday morning songs

Note: This is a satire.

Play Hard, Pray Harder

©2010 Trailer satires

Saturday night I get my truck waxed up

Head down to the bar and drink a cup

And do some lines of coke

Came in with my girl but left with my ex

Had some public unprotected sex

Gave her clap but she don't know

Chorus

I play hard, so I pray harder

Sunday mornin' I ask the Father

To forgive me of my sins

Then I go and do it again

Yeah, I play hard, so I pray harder

Sunday mornin' in the Baptist church

Track marks achin' and my head it hurts

Singing Amazing Grace

Thinkin' 'bout fightin' the night before

I hope the cops don't find the corpse

But the Lord says it's okay

I play hard, so I pray harder

Sunday mornin' I ask the Father

To forgive this sinner's soul

For smokin' a big fat bowl

Yeah, I play hard, so I pray harder

Bridge

I love Jesus and the US of A

You know what I mean?

But I like gun runnin' and gettin' laid

So thank God I'm redeemed

I play hard, so I pray harder

Sunday mornin' I ask the Father

To forgive my dirty deeds

My arson, lust and greed

Yeah, I play hard, so I pray harder

Regular Guy Reviews: Nightjar - Hometown Stranger

I caught wind of this album while chatting Butler (I'm rooting for you Monday night!) basketball with co-lead singer Christopher Hess on Twitter. I checked out the (3 free!) songs on his band, Nightjar's website and was hooked. Sometimes the best music is right under your nose and you don't even know it.

Hometown Stranger is a feast of heartland rock, complete with yearning lyrics, horns, organs and plenty of guitar. It's custom built for spring and summer with the windows down.

Check Your Mirrors opens the album with a Slobberbone-esque upper-shelf bar band sound and a "Bad radio vocal effect" they were very happy with (as Hess told me on Twitter). This song rocks - it's one of my favorite songs of the early year - and it's a fantastic way to lead off a varied and satisfying album.

Much like Two Cow Garage, whom they also bring to mind, Nightjar alternates between 2 lead singers with contrasting voices. There's the bumpy gravel road voiced Hess (who is a professor by day!) and the smooth voiced Greg Osborne, the respective songs they sing giving the band almost an entirely different sound. You get a more mainstream AAA leaning with Osborne and a gritty, roots rock feel from Hess.

Diamond Joe Hodson shreds on the guitar, blending hard rock-ish riffs and solos into the Americana with ridiculous ease. His playing is a definite stand-out on this album, but it never overshadows the overall product.

Besides Check Your Mirrors, my other faves include album-closer, Lonesome Whistle, a touching ode to a dearly departed grandmother, and Catch My Soul, a hook-laden pop-rocky (not to be confused with the mouth tingling candy) track which would have sounded right at home on the radio between the Gin Blossoms and Blues Traveler in the 90's (though the sound is not dated).

Fans of Bruce Springsteen, Lucero, The Replacements, Whiskeytown and the aforementioned Slobberbone and Two Cow Garage should find Hometown Stranger to be right in their sweet spot.

Check out previews and/or buy it here.

A Venn Diagram for Monday

YouTube Gems: Dirty Sweet

From their new album being released Tuesday, American Spiritual, here's Dirty Sweet with "You've Been Warned." RIYL: The Black Crowes, Humble Pie, Led Zeppelin, The Stones.

FWC&G: Rascal Flatts

Note: this also appeared on Roughstock as a little one of these.

And the Band Perry review is a fraud in case you didn't realize what day it was.

.99 Review: The Band Perry

.99 Review: The Band Perry - Hip to My Heart*

The People’s Take:

Surefire sign that the endtimes are near! (1 star) - I honestly lost faith in country radio this week when I heard this song. It’s the most trite, sorry and weak excuse for a song I have heard in my life.

- notwithstanding

As Simon would say, Simply Horrible! (1 star) - I’ve been a musician for 34 years, I’ve gone through a lot of different styles (disco comes to mind) but I can honestly say I have never done anything this bad. The lyrics are bad. They may have potential with a good writer! – javajoecool.

My Take:

Scott Borchetta already has the top “country” artist; now he’s aiming squarely at Lady Antebellum with the Band Perry for the top “country band.”

Much to my surprise, this debut single, “Hip To My Heart,” is a great start towards doing just that. It contains such cool phrases like “I like your lips like I like my coca-cola, yeah ooh how it pops and fizzes…” and “purr baby purr go ahead and say the word lets go…” but while these are clearly some of the weakest lyrics of all time, I somehow still find my foot tapping to Kimberly Perry’s kinetic Nettles-like vocal.

Despite the mandolin and fiddle fills this song is far from a country song but as far as mainstream songs go, it feels almost traditional in its arrangement and it clearly has ‘got that something’ “because brother man” The Band Perry “knows how to get hip to my heart” with this guilty pleasure.

Total Value:

.75/.99 So sue me.

Checklist:

(Checklist taking a vacation for a bit)

*Okay.... so this is obviously one of these: ****

Written by Mr. Matt Bjorke of Roughstock fame. Thanks Matt!

Oh, and this song sucks... country or not.