Showing posts with label .99 Reviews. Show all posts
Showing posts with label .99 Reviews. Show all posts

Nov 2, 2010

.99 Reviews: Jason Aldean - Dirt Road Anthem






Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist's .99 Review

Trailer asked me to take over one of his usual duties for this particular review. He shows a lack of commitment if you ask me, and this is a hallmark of indolence. On to the review...
---------------------------
The Sinners' Takes
BG (3 Stars)
by Tabor Lee
hahahahahaha is that jason aldean's sorry cover for dirt road anthem? wow, not a bad album, but jason aldean just caint sing brantley gilbert or colt ford's songs. go ahead and steal someone else's songs.

Disappointed (2 Stars)
by Sarah Schroeder
The rest of (Aldean's new album) might be great but I really can't get past the fact that "My Kinda Party" and "Dirt Road Anthem" are not Jason Aldean's songs, they are originally sung by Brantley Gilbert, and much better I might add...
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My Testimony
This may be one of the most sinful songs I have yet reviewed for this "blog," (that's saying a lot since a previous song put me in the hospital for a weekend's stay - thank you for the cards and flowers!) and the fact that Mr. Aldean has, according to iTunes reviewers, actually stolen this song from a lesser known singer makes it all the more egregious. Really Jason? Haven't your other musical interpretations put enough of the root of all evil in your Wrangler pockets?? Are the countertops in your mansion not granite-y enough? Are your Viking appliances not applying to your satisfaction?

Aldean's greed and peculation aside, this song presents the listener with some iniquitous habits, literally and spiritually. The song opens with a chorus that teaches impressionable young country fans that drinking and smoking (while driving!!!) is an acceptable practice. Also, he makes reference to that wicked sinner George Jones, holding him up as some sort of miscreant role model.

As I know country music, gospel and bluegrass to be the only acceptable forms of musical expression in the eyes of the Lord, the verses of this "anthem" truly turn from the will of Holiness. Jason invokes the vilest trash of "music," by rapping the lines. I felt the slow turn of Satan's gaze upon my neck as Aldean "dropped some knowledge" on me about more devious doings in the late night hours of the rural south.

Jim, Jack, Marlboro, fornication, fighting, hell-raising... Aldean hits every country bullet-point on Hell's introductory brochure. But "I ain't hearin' that yo," and neither is God. I believe this country has lost its way and that this is another knock against the Father and that he soon may remove his hand of protection.

I feel certain this album cut from Aldean's new album will find its way to radio before long, as just another step in the Liberal Media's plot to pull the roots of country music and the good zealous country fans of the red states. I only pray that you are all prepared for the Judgment that will surely follow. When I hear the beat of this song, I hear the distant hoofbeats of four fearsome steeds.

Total Value: .00/.99

Aug 29, 2010

.99 Reviews - Rascal Flatts "Why Wait"

The People's Take:
Retro flatts? (3 Stars)
by GodBlessThe80s
This reminds me of something that would have been on the first or second album. Which is good, considering how lame "Unstoppable" was.

amazing (5 Stars)
by Shannabaker
I love this song...Rascal Flatts is an amazing group and I cannot wait for the new cd to come out in Nov!! I don't think he whines when he sings at all!!

wierd...(1 Star)
by Miley stinks!
This song is strange, and Rascal flats just doesn't have a good voice. Don't buy it, it is a waist of money.

My Take:
This is going to be a split personality review...half of me likes this song, but the other half of me hates it and hates the part of me that likes it.

Take 1
Sooo, I guess I can't rip this song to shreds since Rascal Flatts essentially did what I said they should in this edition of "Sackpunch." Country music's reigning boy band has gone back to their roots (lol), bringing us this sugary sweet nugget of pop music with a token fiddle dropping in now and then. The harmonies are as tight as ever, and Gary the Voice doesn't overreach as he too often does. The lyrics aren't gonna change your life, but they work well enough to propel this 3 minute positive, not too country, up tempo love song right along. My only real complaint is how on the nose the lyrics are. There's no wordplay and nothing whatsoever left to the imagination. Bottom line though, it's the best RF song in ages.
Total Value: .84

Take 2
It sucks and is representative of everything that is wrong with modern commercial country music. Gary LeVox's "vocals" are mostly studio magic. The lyrics are trite and sugary, the melody is pop. The production is slick and overwrought. The only thing country about this song is the token fiddle dropping in now and then. Bottom line: (insert country legend) is rolling over in his grave.
Total Value: .23


Average Total Value: .53 1/2

Jun 23, 2010

.99 Reviews - Soulja Boy "Pretty Boy Swag"




Soulja Boy Tell'em @souljaboy
"Pretty Boy Swag"

The People's Take: (iTunes Reviews)

Hold up h8ters (jelous a bit??)
(5 Stars)
Ok this new album Dre is gonna nail it big time he has listend to you haters and now he's rapping buy this now I say 2milli is gonna kill everyone of y'all next single that's gonna come out is "do it big" kills everything on this track too so shut the F** up about he's not a rapper go hug a tree or sumthin cus this is 2010 right here and he's killing it. From were he came from crank that soulja boy to this it's pretty Much beast right here people!! BUY IT
-CelticsGoinALLThaWAY

haters-_-
(5 Stars)
all you haters should be ashamed of yourself. If you don't like it go listen to something else you racist no lifes!!! Go put in a gay rock album or something. leave soulja boy alone u make me sick.

PRETTY BOY SWAG is a good song if you don't like it don't click on it and waste valuable time trying to generate negative energy. no life racist.
-SODMG, Inc.

OMG SOULJA BOY OMGOMGOMG no
(1 Star)
this song is garbage. Sorry for being so nice about it, too. His 'flow' is essentially like a speech disorder which hinders him from making any sense whatsoever.
-Salstheman

Ugly Boy Swag
(1 Star)
Worst rapper ever, dead or alive.
-Gangsta@$$Boi


My Take:
Listen here (if you dare): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8growuncz0
Before I'm called out as unqualified to review a rap song, while it's true I've never officially reviewed a hip-hop song, I'm a fan of good hip-hop. I like Jay-Z, K'naan, Nas, Game, old Snoop, OutKast, Mos Def, Dr. Dre, Beastie Boys, Public Enemy, 2Pac, Run DMC, Nappy Roots, Eminem, Tech 9ne, Krizz Kaliko, Ice Cube, Notorious BIG, Jedi Mind Tricks, Common, NWA, Eazy E, Cypress Hill and countless others. I think that makes me as qualified as anybody else without a job at Vibe, a music history or journalism degree. On to the review.
-------------

This alleged rap song begins with breaking glass then a ring tone-ish beep. That's par for the course with Soulja Boy, who is frequently called a ring-tone rapper by his haters. He goes to great lengths to prove them right with this hook-less drone of a hip-hop track that should have been left on the cutting room floor of even the most quickly tossed off mixtape. The "chorus" (which eats up a good 75% of the song) is an overly repetitive breathy recitation of self aggrandizement entirely lacking of memorable rhymes or even the scant shred of artistic worth. The beat would make Al Gore very happy though, it's recycled, and the beat it recycles is also recycled ∞.

There's nary a line in the song that elicits even the presumption that, one day, Mr. Tell'em might turn a clever phrase. He's got swag, girls are on his dick, they scream his name. Yep. For the explicit version, he curses at the calculated moments that can easily be scrubbed from the radio version. Dre (his name, and the name of his forthcoming million-selling drink coaster) is a product, plain and simple. He has a cult following of teen girls, disaffected suburban youth (read: whangstas) and possibly a few people with actual street cred who follow his Tweets with disturbing stalkerishness. He runs a veritable empire with his gaming website and all the merchandise related to him and his SODMG organization. Apparently, he's a good businessman or hype man. He is not a good rapper.

I'll bite a phrase from one of the iTunes reviewers: "His 'flow' is essentially like a speech disorder." That's not h8er hyperbole. Soulja Boy rides the rhythms like Willie Nelson on a weed bender. And his voice: nearly any drunk guy at the club or the karaoke bar this weekend could easily replicate this flow. Seriously. How he got into the "rap game" is beyond me. I won't say I could rap better - I have the rhythm of a blogger - but I bet most of you could. Seriously.

"Pretty Boy Swag" is chaff. Congratulations Soulja Boy Tell'em. You suck worse than Bucky Covington.

Total Value: .00/.99



Apr 20, 2010

.99 Review: Dierks Bentley - Up on the Ridge

Dierks Bentley - Up on the Ridge
Listen to it here.


The People's Take:
c'mon dierks (1 Star) - sounds like all his other songs but worse. c'mon dierks, your a better artist than this
-Gliko30

New Direction (5 Stars) - Great new song from Dierks. His sound sounds great and like something he has never done before! Very bluegrass. Can't wait for the new album!!!!
-timmerwoj

My Take:
So this is the first single from Dierks' long rumored bluegrass album that ended up being consolidated into this year's regular release from him... Well since "Up on the Ridge" is neither traditional bluegrass nor typical radio country fare, I can only assume they put songs from each genre into a musical version of the large hadron collider and smashed them into one another, creating a hybrid of the two (the subsequent energy release creating a chain of seismic events that led to the eruption in Iceland).

To be honest, I hated this the first time I heard it, mostly because the first version I heard was a crappy low bitrate internet rip (remember the early Napster days with the beeps and boops and static?) - which made the chorus sound pretty much like a cow mooing (which my wife thinks Dierks sounds like anyway). So anyway, I purchased the proper single today on iTunes and was pleasantly surprised.

Lyrics aside, this is a fresh sounding song that will stand out on Clearchannel radio. It's not bluegrass, but there's plenty of plucking around. It also features a moaning, understated chorus that stubbornly refuses to jab you with a sharp hook but reels you in only after repeated listens. Doubtful you'd see most of Dierks' contemporaries go without a soaring or raging chorus.

Lyrically, it's nothing you haven't heard before - a song about taking it easy in the great outdoors - though it does hint at the usage of intoxicating substances beyond just the moonshine mentioned (and it was released on 4/20... cute).

Playing like a more laid back version of Brad Paisley's "Mud on the Tires," "Up..." is a refreshingly low key tune that should be played around many a bon/campfire this spring and summer. For a couple of reasons already mentioned, I won't swear it's top 5-bound, but commercial radio needs more songs like this.

Total Value: .84/.99

The Checklist:
Church/God
Mama
Boots
Name Dropping
Dying Person
County Fair
Lost Love
Love
Hometown/Country Pride
Kindly Advice
Truck
Whiskey (moonshine)
Beer
Life Affirmation
USA
Soldiers
Pop Sheen
Star Power

Apr 6, 2010

.99 Review: Rodney Atkins - Farmer's Daughter

Rodney Atkins - Farmer's Daughter
Listen HERE

The People's Take
ANOTHER HIT (5 Stars) - This song is great!!!! Another HIT from Rodney can't wait to hear the rest of the album.
-Redneck JB

Another hit! (5 Stars) - I love, love, LOVE it! ;D
-Robinson :)

Super! (5 Stars) - Another great song from country's best star!!!! Keep 'em coming Rodney!
-rodneyfan


My Take
The plusses: It's not nearly as puerile (yeah, I pulled out the thesaurus for that one) as most of Atkins' recent knuckle-draggers. Also, it's pretty catchy. One more: it's unmistakably country.

The negatives: From the moment you read the title, you know this isn't going to plow up any new cropland, and your assumptions are correct. Of course Atkins works for the farmer. Of course the farmer's female offspring is a dime. Of course Atkins gets him a piece of that sweet potato pie. Of course they get married. Of course the bridge is only there to serve standard procedure.

The WTFs: He goes from seeing the farmer's daughter to tapping it inside of two lines with little explanation of how he got from point A to point P. How romantic. I guess we should just assume that she immediately finds the dirty farmhand's potential big green tractor skills to be worth the suspicions and doubts her dad would undoubtedly have about someone he hired to shovel shit and feed bovine.

The bottom line: It's not as bad as I'd hoped it to be, and his career has probably not reached its omega as suspected in this parody. That said, it's still dumber'n a Jake Owens groupie and twice as forgettable.

Total Value: .45/.99

















The Checklist:
Church/God
Mama
Boots
Name Dropping
Dying Person
County Fair
Lost Love
Check mark symbolLove
Hometown Pride
Kindly Advice
Check mark symbolTruck
Whiskey
Beer
Check mark symbolLife Affirmation
USA
Soldiers
Pop Sheen
Star Power

Apr 1, 2010

.99 Review: The Band Perry

.99 Review: The Band Perry - Hip to My Heart*


The People’s Take:

Surefire sign that the endtimes are near! (1 star) - I honestly lost faith in country radio this week when I heard this song. It’s the most trite, sorry and weak excuse for a song I have heard in my life.

- notwithstanding


As Simon would say, Simply Horrible! (1 star) - I’ve been a musician for 34 years, I’ve gone through a lot of different styles (disco comes to mind) but I can honestly say I have never done anything this bad. The lyrics are bad. They may have potential with a good writer! – javajoecool.


My Take:

Scott Borchetta already has the top “country” artist; now he’s aiming squarely at Lady Antebellum with the Band Perry for the top “country band.”


Much to my surprise, this debut single, “Hip To My Heart,” is a great start towards doing just that. It contains such cool phrases like “I like your lips like I like my coca-cola, yeah ooh how it pops and fizzes…” and “purr baby purr go ahead and say the word lets go…” but while these are clearly some of the weakest lyrics of all time, I somehow still find my foot tapping to Kimberly Perry’s kinetic Nettles-like vocal.


Despite the mandolin and fiddle fills this song is far from a country song but as far as mainstream songs go, it feels almost traditional in its arrangement and it clearly has ‘got that something’ “because brother man” The Band Perry “knows how to get hip to my heart” with this guilty pleasure.


Total Value:

.75/.99 So sue me.


Checklist:

(Checklist taking a vacation for a bit)



*Okay.... so this is obviously one of these: ****

Written by Mr. Matt Bjorke of Roughstock fame. Thanks Matt!


Oh, and this song sucks... country or not.

Feb 22, 2010

.99 Review: Emily West

.99 Review: Emily West - Blue Sky (feat. Keith Urban)


The People's Take:


AhhhMAzing! (5 Stars) - LOVE IT! LOVE HER!I live in Nashville and see so many unappreciated, amazingly talented artists that deserve to be heard...Emily West is one of them. I think her time has come and she is on the verge of being a big, big star!!!! Such a beautiful song!!! GET THIS SONG NOW!!!!! PS if you ever get the chance to see her live - GO! She is so much fun and great in convert!!!!

- Hunk Of Burnin' Love


Calm Down.... (3 Stars) - Emily West is the next Faith Hill! But she has horrible stage presence. Saw her open for Luke Bryan at Joe's in Chicago and she was extremely hard to take seriously. Amazing vocals. Just wish she'd calm down and let the audience enjoy it. Can't wait to see what she grows into though. Keep an eye on this one!

- Anonymous5124


My Take:


A new female artist releasing a sparse, sad ballad at a time when new female singers aren't exactly filling the Top 40 is a questionable career choice to say the least. Adding Keith Urban as a backup vocalist (and a prominent name on the song title) doesn't hurt prospects, but still, if it's not an exceptional song, one of this ilk would likely be on and off the charts inside a month.


Happily, this is an exceptional song, well written and beautifully performed by one of Nashville's most engaging young talents. Emily West has become known early in her career as funny and frankly honest, so one might expect her to be more suited for Brad Paisley-style laughers and chick-attitude songs. With Blue Sky, she proves to be quite adept at a tearjerker without artificially pulling the heartstrings with overdone high notes and overwritten lyrics.


Here, West informs a cheating lover that she can't be his blue sky, his happiness, anymore. Her voice also reveals that her own blue sky is now obscured by storm clouds. She wills the metaphor to sound fresh where it would have fallen flat coming from a lesser vocalist.


Hopefully, "Blue Sky" is only the beginning for Ms. West. Along with Sarah Buxton, she may finally break through Nashville's recent glass ceiling for performers of the fairer sex not named Taylor Swift.


Blue Sky isn't particularly country. It fits into the current definition of mainstream country comfortably, but sets itself apart with strong song craft and powerful vocals, making it the highest rated single thus far on "Ninety-Nine Cent Reviews."


Total Value: .86/.99



(Foregoing the checklist for this edition)

Jan 17, 2010

.99 Review Quicktakes

The Band Perry - Hip to My Heart

The Peoples Take
Weird, stupid, makes no sense...POP song (1 Star) - this is NOT a country song...the group is weird sounding, weird looking, this song makes no sense and the lyrics are AWFUL "I like your lips like I like my coca cola"....what in the world?!
by supergurl234

My Take
Take mixed vocal band of young adorable people. Add dopey name. Throw in a cup of Lady Antebellum, a pinch of 4 Non Blondes and 2 tablespoons of Colbie Caillat. Mix thoroughly with a pound of sugar and you've got The Band Perry's "Hip to My Heart." Is it catchy? Yeah. Is it country? HFN. Does it have any lasting significance? Negatory.

Total Value: .17/.99

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Blake Shelton with Trace Adkins - Hillbilly Bone

The Peoples Take
Great song (5 Stars) - The best song that I have ever heard!!!
by Bull Rider 123

My Take
If a cliche song is sung by two of the more distinctive and traditional voices in country and everybody hears it, does it still suck? Pretty much. The buoyant personality of the singers is just the proverbial lipstick on a pig.

Total Value: .43/.99

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Lee Brice - Love Like Crazy

The Peoples Take
Just found him... (2 Stars) - Not diggin' the music too much yet but they guy is handsome as hell!!!
by Arisanne

My Take
It's probably the least interesting of the 2 or 3 singles Brice has put out thus far and features the most contrived verse I've heard in a while (v2), but this will probably be the one that gives him his first hit. Not a timeless song by any stretch, but this guy's due (and deserving).

Total Value: .55/.99

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Lee Ann Womack - There is a God

The Peoples Take:
Sorry, I'm still atheist. (1 Star) - And this song is boring. kthx
- courtney ninja

Buy this song! (5 Stars) - This version is by far greater than Trent's. Lee Ann is a superior singer...PERIOD. People need to recognize Womack and give her the respect she deserves.
- Coatmix

My Take:
A decent song, much more convincingly performed previously by Trent Willmon. "There is a God" is a pretty transparent stab at the commercial success that has eluded Womack for a couple of albums now. I don't begrudge her that, and it likely will be a hit, but it lacks the passion that breathed life into her previous smashes.

Total Value: .58/.99

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Jonathan Singleton & The Grove - Look Who's Back in Love

The Peoples Take:
Look who (5 Stars) - Great song with a great beat keep em comin
- The Intibbidator

My Take:
3 minute positive not too country up-tempo love song that falls somewhere between Keith Urban and uhhh... Keith Urban in sound, "Look Who's Back in Love" will probably climb into the top 10 by February and will definitely fall out of your memory by April.

Total Value: .40/.99

Jan 11, 2010

.99 Review: Jessie James "My Cowboy"

This song is kinda old... but, well...

Jessie James
"My Cowboy"

The Peoples' Take:

Not very good! (1 Star) – In the video for this song she looks like a porn star trying to be a country singer. The song is not very good and does not sound original at all!
- bradly8

Why? (1 Star) – This song not considered country music just cause it has the word cowboy in it. Terrible is the only word i canthink of when this song comes one
- eaglebacker

Jessie is awesome (5 stars) - Love this songgg!!! I can't believe all the people hating on it tho..
- GhostHunter033

I don't care bout the song but I wana tap that so bad!! (5 stars) - Yummy
- Alwe


My Take:

This is like entering a greyhound in a horse race. This is calling a spade a diamond. This is painting the White House purple and still calling it the White House. This is Saw 5 being nominated for best animated feature at the Oscars.

Surely you get the point by now. I have made the broad statement about one song or another in the past that "this is the least country song ever released to country radio." I would repeat that hyperbole about Jessie James' "My Cowboy" but it would be an inaccurate statement.

"My Cowboy" is not a country song. Jessie James is not a country singer. Sure, she tried her hand in Nashville like seemingly every young and beautiful person these days but somewhere along the way, her record company or management realized that her voice and image were too slick even for the sparkling mess that is contemporary country. Her self-titled album was released this year in the pop genre.

In November, the song was sent to country radio and re-released on iTunes as a country single.

Ten years ago, this would have been played alongside Christina Aguilera's "Genie in a Bottle" and no one would have batted an eye. It even sounds like an Aguilera tune, come to think of it. The diva-ish shrieking and looped beats pull this along like some dance club kicker, with almost the only thing country about it being it's title.

Honestly, it's not even a very good pop song.

I would love to go off on a rant about the gall of whomever called this country simply because it has the word "cowboy" in the title, but I'll stick to the review.

It sucks.

Total Value: .10/.99


The Checklist:

Church/God
Check mark symbolMama
Boots
Name Dropping
Dying Person
County Fair
Lost Love
Check mark symbolLove
Hometown Pride
Kindly Advice
Truck
Whiskey
Beer
Life Affirmation
USA
Soldiers
Check mark symbolPop Sheen
Star Power

Nov 29, 2009

.99 Review: Bucky Covington "Gotta Be Somebody"

.99 Review
Bucky Covington
"Gotta Be Somebody"

The People's Take
The people have no take because this song hasn't been released on iTunes yet. I'm imagining the average comment will go something like this:

Bucky & Nickelback - How can you go rong? (5 Stars) – This is my favorite Nickelback song (and that's saying a lot!!!) so I was sooo happy to fine out that Bucky was redoing this song! He is a nice guy who ackshally enjoys his career and values fans and their support.
- Dumdum Superfan

My Take
It's Bucky Covington covering a Nickelback song...

How can I say this sucks? Let me count the ways.

Awful, blows, wack, toolish, appalling, dreadful, terrible, horrific, ignominious, stank-ass, bummer, cringeworthy, disconcerting, routine, commonplace, grievous, pedestrian, like soggy cereal, loathsome, leaving a lot to be desired, deplorable, rubbish, abominable, excruciating, agonizing, unbearable, intolerable, unendurable, vile, foul, heinous, abhorrent, egregious, soggy, loathsome, yucky, godawful, shitty, noisome, putrid, objectionable, repellent, nauseating, revolting, unpleasant, contemptible, wretched, FAIL, shabby, worthless, useless, poor, pathetic, garbage, detritus, dross, crap, pitiful, lamentable, lame, ass, brutal, crappy, crummy, ill, lousy, painful, unsavory, shameful, degrading, sucky, douchy, douchebaggery, unsatisfactory, undesirable, disagreeable, displeasing, inadequate, unacceptable, bad, substandard, weak, mediocre, no good, lacking, delete-able, wanting, subpar, defective, over-processed, deficient, insufficient, inferior, no great shakes, shite, feces, corny, excrement, onerous, doo doo, caca, pooh, poop, manure, filth, muck, mess, night soil, unwanted, distasteful, nasty, irksome, annoying, irritating, vexatious, repugnant, repulsive, unlistenable, ineffective, below average, disastrous, bomb, flop, feeble, flimsy, mushy, indistinct, impotent, tasteless, flavorless, bland, ham-fisted, insipid, milquetoast, not up to scratch, abysmal, unfortunate, incompetent, inept, sorry, miserable, faulty, not up to snuff, woeful, bum, rotten, not up to par, atrocious, second-rate, inauspicious, unsuitable, dud, stale, tired, banal, played out, uninteresting. fecal matter, turd, boring, unstimulating, uninspiring, colorless, lifeless, mundane, mind-numbing, wearisome. the perfect storm of crud, tripe, drivel, rot, malarkey, twaddle, trash, unsubstantial.

I count 175 ways this song sucks.

And honestly, all I had to say was "It's Bucky Covington covering a Nickelback song" and you could have searched the thesaurus yourself.

Friends, the bar has been set. I don't see anybody limboing under this one.

Total value: .06/.99

The Checklist

Church/God
Mama
Boots
Name Dropping
Dying Person
County Fair
Check mark symbolLost Love
Check mark symbolLove
Hometown Pride
Kindly Advice
Truck
Whiskey
Beer
Check mark symbolLife Affirmation
USA
Soldiers
Check mark symbolPop Sheen
Star Power


Nov 1, 2009

.99 Review: Randy Houser

.99 Review
Randy Houser
"Whistlin' Dixie"

The People's Take

New Hank Jr. (5 Stars) – We have a new Hank Jr. Thanks Randy for bringing country back to our music.
-by Bchurc01

New Country (2 Stars) – Sorry Kids but these New Guys are all the same, Can't sing without Pitch Correction Machines and everybody wants to be a Hank Jr. Whats going on with Country Music, no wonder the Rockin Rollers Laugh at these People, I feel for them. They've gone from Kareokie to Record Deal.
– by MusicMan Nut

My Take

Since this is another "I'm a real country boy" listing song and I plan to rip into it momentarily, I probably shouldn't defend Randy, but MusicMan Nut (People's Take review #2) is throwing a wide net (and what's up with his capitalizations?). Sure commercial country as a whole includes way too many glorified karaoke singers, but Mr. Houser is not one of them. His rich, genuinely country, character-filled voice is one of the reasons I still have hope for the genre. Defense over.

My biggest peeve about this song is that this title/hook was wasted on yet another grocery list. I won't claim to be a consistently Nashville-calibre songwriter (I have a couple of indie cuts and a few published songs) but I wrote a lyric a few years ago called "Whistlin' Dixie" that was about a woman in a poisonous relationship who kept threatening to leave her boyfriend and move to the south, then she finally did it... thus "she ain't just whistlin' Dixie." Again, I'm no Craig Wiseman, but mine is a far better theme for this title, in my humble opinion... but the title's commercial viability is now shot for a while.

Sour grapes (FTM's favorite food source ;)) aside, this is fairly engagingly written for what it is and does present a few elements of southern living that may not have been touched on in the 1,245 previous songs about country pride. It's also well performed. I'm fairly certain that the vocals will never be an issue with Ronnie, errr, Randy.

So why waste that instrument on this song? Surely there's some narrative that could have tied all these good ol' boy touchstones together. I know I shouldn't harp on the genre as a whole when critiquing a single, but at some point, these listing songs became a parody of themselves and even your average country radio listener is going to catch onto that soon enough. This well's almost dry, boys. Find another source, or at least find a more creative way to use this one.

All in all, "Whistlin' Dixie" is far from hate-worthy, but it's a terrible misuse of a fine set of pipes.

Bonus points for not rhyming hippy with Mississippi. And shockingly, this only gets two marks on the checklist.

Total value: .55/.99

The Checklist

Church/God
Mama
Boots
Name Dropping
Dying Person
County Fair
Lost Love
Love
Check mark symbolHometown/Country Pride
Kindly Advice
Truck
Whiskey
Beer
Check mark symbolLife Affirmation
USA
Soldiers
Pop Sheen


Oct 21, 2009

.99 Review: LoCash Cowboys

.99 Review
LoCash Cowboys
"Fresh Off the Farm"

The People's Take

Alsome!!!!!!!$$$$$ (5 Stars)) – I can't believe they are not in the top iTunes list, but they do deserve it. They work so hard to get this far, I wonder wats goin to happen nxt wit them- go LoCash!!!!!
-by Gambet

Love these guys! (5 stars) – So excited to finally get some new LoCash!! I just love Fresh Off The Farm! If you've never seen these guys in concert, I highly recommend it! They rock down the house and are so friendly, too! They are just the best! Love you guys!
– by CheerCat35

My Take

So the saying goes: "You can't judge a book by its cover." I call B.S. The LoCash Cowboys are douchebags. Look at them (album cover at bottom of article). One guy's got the blu-blocker shades on and lots of bling, a Trent Tomlinson-issue dew rag, a carefully unkempt shirt and tie, ripped jeans, watch chain, manicured facial hair, the pursed lips kissy face and the two-gun salute. The other guy is similarly attired and displays the "yeah!" face with a one gun salute/"what up" sign. So, yeah, it's indisputable. Strike one.

Could we give 'em a pass if the music was good? No. But fear not, it's not. Good that is.

What really pisses me off about the song is that it's not bad by current Nashville standards. I'd hoped to make fun of the production values, because I'd heard a couple of songs from their self-released debut and it was charmingly awful. Not so now, what with Jeffrey Steele at the helm, they sound just like everybody else in Nashvegas. Like a PG-13 Rascal Flatts even. So, they robbed me of that angle for talking trash about them. Strike two.

I'm not going to actually review this song (do I ever?). All you need to know is that it sounds something like the aforementioned Rascal Flatts by way of Big & Rich's "Save a Horse..." and that the 'boys provide you with this handy-dandy checklist to cull potential girlfriends:
[ ] wears Daisy Dukes
[ ] wears cowboy boots
[ ] is cornfed
[ ] is fine as Ellie May
[ ] green as John Deere
[ ] has a hourglass figure
[ ] gets you high as a barn
[ ] can load shotgun
[ ] can fish
[ ] can milk a cow
[ ] is homegrown
[ ] is country fried

If your woman doesn't meet at least five of these criteria, it's time to seriously consider kicking her to the curb.

Or not.

Hey, Cowboys. Strike Three. You suck!

Total value: .09/.99

The Checklist

Church/God
Mama
Check mark symbolBoots
Name Dropping
Dying Person
County Fair
Lost Love
Check mark symbolLove
Hometown Pride
Kindly Advice
Truck
Whiskey
Beer
Life Affirmation
USA
Soldiers
Pop Sheen

Sep 30, 2009

.99 Review: Tim McGraw "Southern Voice"

.99 Review
Tim McGraw
"Southern Voice"

The People's Take

ok song (3 Stars) – I watch tim on thursday night football
-by Kylie Jo 1

Tim remains true to his roots with "Southern Voice" (5 stars) – Swiftly after the marginally charted "It's a Business Doing Pleasure With You", McGraw has released another single that will be a radio smash. "Southern Voice", a song that credits several historical and modern legends for their contributions to the "southern voice", is a twangy number that will force the listener to sing or hum along everytime it plays. McGraw's vocal performance in this song are, as he puts in the song, "smooth", and along with that, the honky-tonk instrumental aid simply adds to the overall "fun" that this sing-along single will promote.
-by Agent Ashcroft

My Take

I was hoping to give this a positive review. I actually enjoy a lot of Tim's music (a lot more than I should admit as a commercial country music farcer and a big alt-country fan) so I'm rooting for a comeback despite his recent song choice foibles and record company troubles. Also, I have a southern superiority complex - at least culturally and athletically - so I never tire of new pandering country hits to fuel my yeehaw. I even liked Buddy Jewell's hymn to the south - not the one about the southern border, mind you.

Some of the parts of "Southern Voice" are nice but the sum of the parts is meh. Trouble with this one is the overall presentation. Par for the country course, it's a listing song - listing people who happen to be southern and happen to have done positive things and been generally successful in life. Other than the fact that they sprang from the same geographic region and were not known for being crystal meth dealers, racists, arsonists, ignoramuses or barefoot yokels, there is little else to hold together this string of names. And another thing, any listing song about the southern voice that doesn't mention this guy is missing a major piece of cultural significance.

The music doesn't help with the presentation. I'd expect a song called "Southern Voice" to either sound really country or pull in some anthem-like Southern rock guitar. Wrong on both counts. The tune just kinda lays there like water in a jar ... or grits... and grits without bacon bits or pepper or sugar or butter, just plain-ass grits. Oh yeah, there's harmonica - so I guess the grits have (is grits a plural?) a dash of salt.

I won't say this is a terrible song (save what might be the clumsiest, most cliche ridden bridge ever). On third and fourth listens, it's actually starting to burrow into my ears a little and hey, I respect all the folks presented. "Southern Voice" just doesn't fuel my yeehaw.

An aside: here are a few of metrolyrics.com's interpretation the song's lyrics (lol!):
"Will Farmer wrote it"
"blows from Memphis down to Appalachia Coal"
"Don't let this old goat cross in this Almond Brothers t-shirt and throw ya"
"Dr. King paved it"
"Billy Graves saved it"

Total value: .55/.99

The Checklist

Check mark symbolChurch/God
Mama
Boots
Check mark symbolName Dropping
Dying Person
County Fair
Lost Love
Love
Hometown Pride
Kindly Advice
Truck
Check mark symbolWhiskey
Beer
Check mark symbolLife Affirmation
Check mark symbolUSA
Soldiers
Pop Sheen
Check mark symbolStar Power


Sep 29, 2009

.99 Review: Kingbilly "Waiting on You"

.99 Review
Kingbilly
"Waiting on You"

The People's Take (iTunes customer reviews)

Should Be #1 in Country Music (5 Stars) – Every time I have seen KingBilly the show has exceded my expectations. Now to here the magic that is their music captured in studio in one of the most beautiful songs ever written, it really blows my mind. If you haven't bought it, bought it. If you have bought it get everyone you have ever known to buy it. Too good for words!
-by techn8143

(All reviews are 5 stars)

My Take

*Note: This is actually Country California's CM Wilcox's take this time. I excluded myself from a review of this song because one of the band's vocalists/songwriters is from my hometown and went to school with my brother. I didn't want to step on any toes or show any undue bias in either direction but it's fine if CM does :)*
- - - - - - - - -

If you've ever dreamed of reading a love letter from one of the world's biggest pansies, KingBilly will hook you up. Every venture into intimacy leaves him and the woman crying, and he exercises no manly discretion in guarding that fact from public knowledge. In fact, he's just dying to tell you all about it: this song drones on well past the usual 3 minutes, ending closer to the 5 minute mark. KingBilly's apparent belief that a song this boring requires those two extra minutes could easily serve as fodder for a cautionary tale about excessive self-love.

The guys (there are six of them, overwhelmingly metrosexual in appearance) deliver a competent enough performance, which is even an improvement over some artists currently on the radio (read: Rascal Flatts). The production is pretty good, with some actual instruments audible. The harmonies are fine. So really the burden of suck falls squarely on the song itself, which isn't just outwardly boring but even nonsensical by its own internal logic: why would a guy's current girlfriend want a detailed description of his first encounter with another girl (crying and all), such as he offers in the first verse? “We both were breathing like we were in a race/Her hair was hanging down in my face”? Really?

What's she supposed to say to that? Why is he getting such a kick out of telling her? If she's turned on by hearing of his romantic escapades with other women, are there enough Kleenex at home to last through the steamy night ahead?

In summary, blech.

Total value: .20/.99

The Checklist

Church/God
Mama
Boots
Name Dropping
Dying Person
County Fair
Lost Love
Check mark symbolLove
Hometown Pride
Kindly Advice
Truck
Whiskey
Beer
Life Affirmation
USA
Soldiers
Check mark symbolPop Sheen
Star Power

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