Farce the Music: Blake Shelton

Dec 12, 2017

I'm Sorry, This Exists: Christmas 2017 Edition

Pondering what to buy your worst enemy, your mother-in-law, your boss this holiday season? Well, maybe this helpful list will include just the thing. These are all real products (and one painting).

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Keith Urban Christmas ornament

Who wouldn't want this cheap looking,

unauthorized Keith Urban product on their Douglas fir?

For that stalker in your life.

Walker Hayes "Good Shit" shades

That's very mature, dad.

Kane Brown ugly Christmas sweater

So you'll know who to avoid at the office Christmas party.

Redneck Crazy truck hitch cover

for when you're parked on your ex's lawn

about to be arrested and served with a restraining order

Thomas Rhett sticker.

Gross, and I bet his wife wouldn't like that.

Old Dominion "Happy Endings" T-shirt

This plays on the stereotype of Asian massage parlors offering up

uh... happy endings. Way to be woke, OD.

Sexiest Man Alive t-shirt

which is advertised using Blake Shelton's image but

actually is just a Sexiest Man Alive t-shirt.

Sam Hunt flip-flops.

I bet the profit margin on these is ridiculous.

"It's 5 O'clock Somewhere" Novelty Panties

This painting of Garth Brooks looking at a boob.

This actually exists in the year of our Lord 2017.

Nov 29, 2017

Blake Shelton CD Packed in Box With Other Unsold Yard Sale Items

A dusty copy of Blake Shelton's Startin' Fires was packed away into a cardboard box full of other unsold yard sale items this past Saturday evening. The album with the cracked CD case and the bright yellow 50¢ sticker slipped down the side of a Pikachu plush and came to rest between a dingy child monitor and a mug from the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino.

Startin' Fires was Blake Shelton's fifth studio album, and featured the hits "She Wouldn't Be Gone" and "I'll Just Hold On."

Owner Mark Platte, 37, of Neptune Beach, FL, said he hoped to either put it out for another yard sale in March or 'donate it somewhere.' He expressed surprise, not that the item didn't sell, but that he even still had a Blake Shelton CD, having apparently priced the compact disc without even noticing its cover.

"I haven't listened to him in years." he told us. "Since he got boring and started sounding like all the other dudes on country radio, I just moved on." Mark said he was more into artists like Cody Jinks and Lucinda Williams these days, preferring "real" music over the glitz and packaging of the mainstream.

At press time, the cardboard box containing the Blake Shelton CD was being taped shut, to be stored in the corner of the storage room behind the old paint buckets and a broken weed trimmer, to be forgotten for several more years.