The Crud Report: October '19

The Highwaybros

Not to be outdone by the Highwomen's reimagining of The Highwaymen's "The Highwayman," a new group has formed... the Highwaybros.

Highwaybro

(parody of "The Highwayman")

I am a highwaybro

Up and down backroads I do ride

With beer and baby by my side

Many a young maid set bare feet upon my dash

Many a city boy had me whoop his punk ass

The popo got me in the spring for DUI

But f*** em I still drive

I am a player

I just gave your girl a ride

And with her all night I’ll abide

I drive a Raptor round the square to impress hos

She liked my lift kit and the way my high beams glow

Never used no protection and I never will

I hope she’s on the pill

I was a left fielder

Who smoked too much dope every night

My scholarship’s been cast aside

A place called Belmont, but my folks let me stay though

I’m learning songwriting, lit, and basic bio

Curb saw my headshot and they want me to come down

I guess I’m big star bound

I'll always be around and around and around and around and around

I fly a middle finger

Across the Davidson countyside

Got a lot of artificial pride

I walk with swagger, stick my chest out like a man

Perhaps I may roll coal on a soy boy again

Or I may simply send a dick-pic to Elaine

But I will remain

My kind comes back again, and again and again and again and again

More Monday Memes: Kane Brown, Sam Hunt, Brantley Gilbert

The Current Poop of Mainstream Country: July '19

A poop emoji is negative; a strike-thru is positive.

The current Poop Rating of the Mediabase Top 20 is (-10) overall which is a 6 point improvement from January (the previous time we did this chart). The best song on the chart is Eric Church’s “Some of It.”  The worst is Thomas Rhett’s “Look What God Gave Her” (though there is very stiff competition from FGL and Luke Bryan). The biggest surprise for me is that Keith Urban’s current single isn’t too bad. I can’t remember the last time one of his singles wasn’t unlistenable pop dreck. Women are faring a little better on the chart now, but only marginally.

Chart info from Mediabase/Country Aircheck.

WWE Country Reaction Gifs 36

If somebody hands me a Dustin Lynch CD

If you're talking to fine upstanding Brantley Gilbert fans...

The 90s country line dancing craze really went too far

When Florida-Georgia Line comes on at the bowling alley

When somebody says Kane Brown is the hottest, best singer in country music

When Larry Hooper gets all hopped up on Mountain Dew

When you're too old for fighting, but somebody makes fun of your Tanya Tucker t-shirt

Hey Bobby Bones!

"Who made you the judge of what's country and what's not?"

Top 11 Things It Looks Like Brantley Gilbert is About to Do in This Picture

Top 11 Things It Looks Like Brantley Gilbert is About to Do in This Picture

----------

11. Beat up a band dork for texting his ex-girlfriend

10. Shart in his Punisher underwear

9. Roll coal on an electric car while hitting a road sign with a just emptied beer bottle with one hand and cranking up the Colt Ford with the other hand

8. Utter one of the following phrases: “Do you even lift, bro?” or “She a thot, son”

7. Masturbate while watching Iron Eagle for the 78th time

6. Yell something racist

5. Rupture a blood vessel

4. Call for a homer and hit a dribbler to the pitcher

3. Lick the remnants from the bottom of an empty can of Copenhagen

2. Hit the emergency stop and clean up the vomit on The Scrambler

1. Go to war against the Pacific northwestern small town cops who wronged him

———

By Trailer and Jeremy Harris

Tuesday Morning Memes: Brantley Gilbert, FGL, Walker Hayes

Brantley Gilbert Fan to Graduate High School

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, February 21, 2012 

Brantley Gilbert fan Nat Barksdale of Covington, Georgia, recently announced that he will graduate high school this spring, making him the first Gilbert fan to do so without the aid of post-dropout GED courses. 

"My counselor says it looks like I'm going to scrape by in driver's ed and welding class and finally graduate!" said an elated Nathaniel, who will gain his 22nd credit, making him graduation-ready after six years of studious classwork. "It's been a struggle," he admitted, "but thanks to a couple of tutors and Brantley Gilbert's inspirational music, I'm going to throw that mortal board (sic) in the air this May!" 

"It was dicey there for a while," said Barksdale's frazzled guidance counselor Renny Smith, "but we finally got him off crystal meth and got him to buckle down and it looks like he'll be out of my hair for good!" She continued: "He's a pretty good boy, but that arson conviction in 10th grade really set him back; I'm thankful he put his nose to the grindstone and is finishing on a high note." 

After an uncomfortably long parking lot kiss from his 8th grade girlfriend, Jeanette Cosby, Nat told us: "You don't know how happy I was to hear the word 'graduation.' Me and Jeanny can finally get married this summer!" Cosby, in her second trimester of pregnancy, smiled and added: "Nat's gonna start at the A/C coil factory in June and mama's already got us a spot picked out for the trailer." 

Strains of Brantley Gilbert's "You Don't Know Her Like I Do" echoed through the low-riders and Bondocolored economy cars as the couple danced a victory waltz. Barksdale's 'homeboys' stood back against a cattle-guard gate smoking and gently applauding the success of their Affliction-tshirt-clad idol. 

"We're hitting up the Eric Church/Brantley Gilbert show in Orange Beach next month to celebrate!" exclaimed Barksdale, tipping back a Steel Reserve tallboy. 

"Well, I've got to get back to Algebra 1 before I get counted tardy," said the 20-year-old as he bid us adieu through the haze of Camel smoke. 

At press time, Nat was expected to be granted a lifetime membership to the Brantley Gilbert Nation fan club for his unprecedented academic accomplishments. 

Dirt Road Actually Pretty Boring

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, October 06, 2011 

Jason Aldean fans Shelley Young and Lyndi Berks recently traveled into rural Mississippi to experience the fun and charming world of Aldean's smash hit "Dirt Road Anthem." What they sampled instead was a level of sheer dullness they had not come to know in their entire previous 17 years on the planet. 

Clad in matching "My Kinda Party" tour shirts, boots and cut-off jeans, the pair borrowed Berks' dad's old Dodge Ram and headed for less-developed paths. 

"It was so boring I wanted to shoot myself in the face," exaggerated Madison Central High School senior Young. "That song made dirt roads sound like so much fun, but it's just like bugs and dirt and stuff! I mean, you can tell Jason totally knows what he's talking about when he wrote that song and maybe dirt roads are just more fun in Georgia, but I'd rather listen to a Merle Haggard song than get off the blacktop ever again!" 

The girls started off on an unnamed county road in neighboring Holmes County, by swerving "like George Jones" and smoking Kool cigarettes. "But dust was rolling IN the window... and the smoke was just making us cough," related Berks. "And I could only get 1G on my Galaxy S!" 

Next, they searched for a party in a pasture to attend, but found only cows, horses and a couple of discarded washing machines. "We stopped at a trailer to ask a guy if there was a party anywhere and he said the party was 'right here' and pointed to his pleather couch... I think he was on meth," said Shelley. 

The trip ended with a failed attempt at purchasing an Old Milwaukee tallboy to place "in the console." "That old woman said we looked like we were twelve. Dumb b*tch, like she was gonna make any other money that day. Does anybody even live that far away from a Hollister?" complained Berks. 

In summation, dirt roads "suck," "blow" and caused the girls to "SMH" and say "FML" multiple times. "But we still love Jason! He's so hot!" they cooed in perfect harmony. 

Fire It Up, BG Nation

Bad for Your Health

Thanks to @shelbyjo for sending me this pic!

The Next Smash for Jordan Lynch or Mitchell Davis or Whoever

If You Say I'm Not Country

©2019 FTM Lyrical Satirical

I like sugar in my unsweet tea

And my Texas chili full of beans

And I'll be on your ass like jeans

If you say I'm not country

I like to hunt a little snipe

And eat honeysuckle when it's ripe

And mister I might pull a knife

If you say I'm not country

Cause I'm from where they sing about

in songs from Kenny and Tim

Down there on that ol' rural route

Where I have definitely been

Church and mama and all that stuff

And girls sweet as Georgia plums

If you say I'm not, I'll call your bluff

I'm as country as they come

I love to crank those old outlaw songs

Turn up the Brantley and sing along

I'll throw hands and prove you wrong

If you say I'm not country

Cause I love me a Grizzly pouch

There's red on my neck skin

From working tater fields down south

Where I have definitely been

Shine and biscuits and all that stuff

And girls sweet as Georgia plums

If you say I'm not, I might get rough

I'm as country as they come

Bridge

You can say I use snap beats

You can say I'm auto-tuned

But you can't say I'm not country

Just look at my Aldean tattoo

Yeah I'm from where they sing about

in songs from Kenny and Tim

Down there on that ol' rural route

Where I have definitely been

Church and mama and all that stuff

And girls sweet as Georgia plums

If you say I'm not, I'll call your bluff

I'm as country as they come

WWE Country Reaction Gifs 34

When you think you've done everything you can do to avoid hearing Kane Brown, then his Amazon Music commercial comes on TV

Everyone who made Mitchell Tenpenny a thing deserves...

When your uncle gave you a Florida-Georgia Line CD for Christmas because your granny told him you like country

Too bad this isn't symbolic of country radio

When you see Randy Houser talking shit about mainstream country music

Rusev must be a Brantley Gilbert fan

When somebody plays whatever a Filmore is for Hulk Hogan

♫ ♬ Guitar man playing all night long

Take me back to where the music hit me ♫ ♬

"The Christmas Shoes" Sends Local Man Over the Edge

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Thursday, December 15, 2011 

Local country music fan Reginald Spears was arrested Tuesday for trespassing and destruction of property at WTSM Catfish 104.9 FM. Oddly enough, it was popular holiday song "The Christmas Shoes" that set him off. 

Spears had apparently called the station several times in recent weeks profanely complaining about the seasonal hit being played so frequently. "I appreciate feedback from our listeners," said station manager Bart McGee, "but a lot of people like to hear that song this time of year. It's a sweet, and in no way contrived or overwrought, story." 

Currently still in the Hazzard County Jail, Spears is facing potential stiff fines and further charges pending an FCC investigation of the incident that knocked WTSM off the air for approximately 28 hours Monday and Tuesday. 

Around noon on Monday, Spears allegedly climbed the fence behind the radio station and used industrial-grade bolt cutters to cut all wires and cables connecting the transmitter tower to the station. Miraculously unhurt despite the barbed wire and high voltage, Spears was only caught after posting a photo of himself urinating on the tower on Facebook. 

"I told that little weasely sumbitch DJ that if he played that 'Christmas Shoes' crap again, he was going to regret it," said the local man by phone interview yesterday. 

Describing the circumstances that caused him to snap, Spears continued: "My internet had been down since I hit the phone line digging a pool in the front yard two weeks ago, so I was forcing myself to listen to regular radio. I usually just turned it down when they played Rascal Fatts or Fartly Gilbert, but it seemed like every other song was that damn weepy-ass feel-good piece of crap. Man, I love Jesus and everything, but f*** me runnin', I want to commit Harry Caray [editorial note: we're sure this is how he would have spelled it] when I hear about mama meeting Him tonight." 

Over at WTSM, McGee tells us the Clear Channel affiliated radio station may sue Spears to recoup repair charges and loss of advertising revenue: "I can't understand how a lovely religious holiday song could make a man cause such damage - some folks just aren't wired right, I guess." 

NewSong had no comment at press time. 

Monday Morning Memes: Brantley Gilbert, Alan Jackson, Radio

Step Brothers Country Reaction Gifs

*some foul language*

When a coworker you thought was a jerk says he's into Tyler Childers and Whitey Morgan

When somebody's Brantley Gilbert ringtone goes off

When the room smells like Kane Brown fan

New Amanda Shires & Lucero albums Friday??

When you have a flashback to your mom taking you to a Rascal Flatts concert when you were little

When somebody's in your face saying Cody Jinks sucks

Brad Rice, probably...

Some dude from Billboard said "Meant to Be" is a country song

Eatin' With the Country Stars

And of course...

This is the kind of hard-hitting content you get in summer when music news is scarce.