Showing posts with label Carrie Underwood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Carrie Underwood. Show all posts

Oct 10, 2018

Really Dumb Country Reviews: October '18


These are all real reviews on a popular music download service.
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Mitchell Tenpenny EP

Kane Brown - Experiment




Luke Combs - This One's for You Too
(These are dumb because why the hell would you buy an album without checking its contents?? And you don't have to buy the whole album again, you morons. You can just buy the bonus tracks. Really, these people are idiots.)





Carrie Underwood - Cry Pretty

Thomas Rhett - Life Changes (Deluxe)

Eric Church - Desperate Man



Not about the politics of this one - just the reading comprehension skills and grammar.

Dan + Shay - s/t
Do what now?




Sep 21, 2018

Carrie Underwood Fan Group Outed as Cult

Possible C.U.L.T. members attend a fan club event
Carrie Underwood Lovers Together, or "C.U.L.T.," has been outed as a likely cult. The fan group, which was founded in 2009 on a Carrie message board, purchased a large tract of land in rural Tennessee in 2012 and many members have since relocated there. Stories out of the 502 acre commune have been bizarre and troubling. 

However, CULT leader Adam Porter, who asked that we refer to him as The Messenger, assured us that CULT is definitely not a cult. "I grow weary of the unenlightened misconstruing our mission here in Carrieton." he said, "We only wish to bring like-minded followers of The One into close contact that we may show our appreciation for her in harmony with one another." Despite The Messenger's denials of the commune's cult status, evidence suggests otherwise. 

Multiple members of the group have been admitted to hospitals due to malnutrition and leg injuries. Dawn Sumpkins, a former member of CULT, reported strict but nutritionally suspect forced vegetarianism and mandatory leg exercises. "They wanted us only eating veggies like Carrie, but failed to provide any protein or the necessary variety of vitamins, so people were passing out every day." said Sumpkins, "And so we could have legs like Carrie, we had to do squats and leg extensions daily without rest days - I tore my ACL twice; it was ridiculous." 

Another ex-CULT member related that when they weren't doing calf raises or meditation, they were required to spend 9 hours per day defending Carrie online.  On condition of anonymity, the individual told us: "We were taught in daily scriptures that Carrie is without flaw, that her music is pure form of God as artwork, and that anyone who besmirched her was an infidel. We were to seek any criticism of her work on Twitter or other sites, and give our Holy Support to The One by raging politely against the infidels."

Authorities in the area, while concerned about the CULT complex, have yet to find any illegal activities taking place. Police have only been called to the collective's unofficial town once. Nearby campers thought they heard several women being tortured, but it turned out to be Carrie-oke (karaoke) night.

When reached for comment about C.U.L.T., Mrs. Underwood's management issued the following statement: "We are currently consulting legal counsel to direct us in gaining protections from and putting distance between Carrie and this passel of loonies."



Sep 14, 2018

Little Known Facts: September '18

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By Jeremy Harris and Trailer
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Before Cody Jinks was a country singer, he was in a metal band. Before he was in a metal band, he was the choreographer for Color Me Badd

Charlie Daniels has voted Green Party in the last 6 Presidential elections; He just pretends to be a hardcore Republican so as not to alienate his fans

Carrie Underwood became a vegetarian after seeing Blake Shelton eat a pork chop sandwich one time

Tyler Childers' carpet doesn't match the drapes

When Shooter Jennings gets angry, Misty has to tranquilize him lest he stomp his foot deeply into the floor and tear himself in two

Lin-Manuel Miranda is adapting a rap version of Pure Country for Broadway

Listening to Old Dominion’s “Written In The Sand” can be used against you in a court of law if you are accused of sexual misconduct

CMT will broadcast the Americana Honors and Awards November  28th, at 3:00 a.m. between a rerun of Full House and a Flex Seal infomercial 

Kelsea Ballerini gets so mad about Farce the Music's constant Barbie doll jokes that she kicks her little plastic dog across the glittery pink living room

There’s a 99% chance Lucero is better than your favorite band

Shooter Jennings came up with the idea for D.R.U.N.K. When he had trouble finding words to rhyme with Z.I.M.A.

Kane Brown fans actually have pretty low levels of meth addiction because "you never get high on your own supply"

Y’all should've been more specific when asking for more women on country radio because now we have Lindsay Ell

Tyler Childers is so good that Wheeler Walker Jr can introduce him and keep it PG

You can judge any album by how many tracks are “featuring” another artist

Turning on country radio and hearing Sam Hunt gives me the same feeling that Gary Levox gets when he takes a bite of ice cream and realizes it’s sugar free

Eric Church is on his way to your house right now to take all your AR-15's, teach your children about the 27 genders, and sign your wife up for the Communist party

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Jun 8, 2018

The Current Poop of Mainstream Country: June '18

A poop emoji equals a negative rating. A strike-thru poop emoji is a positive rating.



The current Poop Rating of the Mediabase Top 20 is (-30) overall which is 20 point decrease(!!) from January (the last time we did this chart), and the lowest score since we started doing these ratings. That ends the previous upward trend of the chart with an absolute nosedive in quality. Though it's true that winter singles usually have deeper subject matter while summer singles lean towards shallow, party-ready music, this is bad no matter how you look at it. The best song on the chart is far and away Blake Shelton's "I Lived It." The worst is uh… I'll just pick one of the -4 rated songs at random… let's go with Sam Hunt's "Downtown's Dead." And yet again, there are only 2 solo female performers represented here. It's hard to be optimistic given this precipitous drop-off. Let's hope for better next time. 


Chart info from Mediabase/Country Aircheck.

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