Untrue Facts: Dolly Parton, James Hetfield, etc.

3 Up, 3 Down: January '21

3 Up

Lainey Wilson - Things a Man Oughtta Know

First and foremost, this is a country song. It's a modern pop-country song, but it features organic instrumentation, country vocals, country imagery, and story-telling. There's listing, yeah, but it's used to the furtherance of the theme, revealing the message a little at a time. Good stuff, and highly impressive as a debut single. And it seems to be getting some traction.

B+

Carly Pearce - Next Girl

Clever hook, strong vocals, catchy melody, strong message. What's not to like? Carly is such a promising artist; I hope this is huge for her. 

B+

Eric Church - Hell of a View

A mid-tempo anthem in the vein of “Talledega” and “Springsteen,” this is another winner from Church. Hey guys in the category below: See! It’s possible to write a love song that isn’t whiny and tediously selling a supplicant viewpoint in a relationship. Be equals, you crybabies. Anyway, “Hell of a View” is catchy and poetic, and non-embarrassing.

B+

3 Down

Niko Moon - Good Time

I already said enough when I named this the worst ‘country’ song of 2020. It may qualify for 2021 too. It’s that bad. 

F

Cole Swindell - Single Saturday Night

Cole has done some moderately better work recently (not that the songs I actually like are ever released as singles) but this isn’t in that category. This starts off with all the sonic signifiers of boyfriend country and gets no better from there. Listless, forgettable, and cookie-cutter. “White Claw” brand name drop… is that the first in a hit song? Anyway, this sucks and it kinda feels desperate. 

D-

Parmalee & Blanco Brown - Just the Way

Another boyfriend country song, I’m seeing a theme. There is nothing whatsoever country about this song. It’s listless, forgettable, and cookie-cutter. And it’s so cloying and wimpy. Stop worshipping women. I mean, don’t worship men either, or any other gender. Who wants to be pandered to this damn much? It’s amazing that something so boring and bland can make me want to punch inanimate things to get my rage out. Crap. 

F

Reginald Spears vs. Dan + Shay, Georgia, and Kane Brown

Mr. Bean Country Reaction Gifs

When you drive by somebody who's cranking Luke Bryan

Me picking a country cover song from 2020 to listen to

When she says that if you don't stop making fun of her obsession with Thomas Rhett's music, she'll leave

What it looks like at a Cole Swindell concert

Where I come from, it's cornbread and chicken

When somebody in the laundromat has a Rascal Flatts ringtone

When somebody across the bar plays Kane Brown on the jukebox

When she says she digs your taste in country music

That's the night that the lights went out in Georgia

These Are Self-Explanatory

Mean Brantley Gilbert and Cole Swindell Memes

Small Town Way Sh**tier Than Country Songs Say

Auburn sophomore Paul Reynolds, home on Thanksgiving break, came to the startling realization that his hometown is way shittier than mainstream country songs say it is. In fact, just the drive back into his southern Georgia birthplace showed that it was a poorly-maintained, slowly dying crap-hole compared to the idyllic settings portrayed on the pop-country airwaves.

The old family-owned drugstore where he used to buy candy as a kid was now a payday loan with an ice cream counter. Where there wasn’t a pawn shop or high interest-rate financial scam business, there was a Walgreens or CVS. There were approximately 32 Dollar Generals. There was one Dollar General you could see another Dollar General from. Were there any Cole Swindell verses about Dollar Generals? 

Paul drove downtown, where country songs say the square is epicenter of tiny town culture. No teenagers were cruising, but there were about 5 of them in the vape shop that used to be a fancy cigar shop. He heard no bluegrass band playing on the plaza, but there were a couple of gunshots nearby. The beloved old men’s clothing store was now a hip wedding party venue for the private school set. Never heard about that in a Brantley Gilbert song.

Wednesday night, he figured he’d hit up his old high school friends to go out. Unfortunately, his buddy Matt had some sort of Facebook drama with his baby mama and couldn’t risk having his picture taken at the bar that night. Larry wasn’t home because he was in jail for selling pills. He thought about calling Kenneth, but Kenneth had a face tattoo now. Justin Moore never sang about this shit.

Throwing one last Hail Mary in an attempt to capture that throwback vibe of an Aldean tune, Paul went out and sipped a beer on a picnic table at the lake. Many a bonfire party and make-out session had taken place here, but tonight there was only one sketchy dude asking if he wanted to buy some meth. “Kiss my ass, Dustin Lynch” Paul told the confused narcotics dealer, before driving back to his folks’ house, completely sobered up. 

Mainstream Country Singer You’ve Never Heard of Announces Headlining Tour

A nondescript male who sings what they call country music these days has announced his first headlining tour. The gentleman, who recently notched his first unmemorable, inoffensive #1 hit at country radio, already has a tour bus with his generally-regarded-as-handsome-self performing, wrapped around its exterior. 

Dude’s debut single “Baby, Tonight, Yeah” hit number one on Country Aircheck in July after spending nearly a full year being pimped, prodded, and politicked to that peak. Even though his second single has been lingering in the upper-40s on the charts and not a single person outside maybe 62,000 fangirls could even pick this man out of a lineup of two people, his label thinks it’s time to take the step to playing medium sized clubs and sheds. 

Fella just came off another mildly successful tour supporting Cole Russell or Chris Tenpenny or somebody like that who also hit the top spot with their introductory big hit that neither you nor I can recall a mere 6 months after it’s ascension to the position of number one song in all of America.

“I’m just thrilled to get out there and give the fans my best,” beamed Mr. Bro-man. “We’ll play my entire EP and way too many covers and I think it’ll be a great time!” The guy’s management is busy getting all the merch ready - from throw pillows to boy shorts to beer koozies that will be sold in a yard sale next year - and they foresee big business. 

“This performer is coming off a hard-lobbied smash and it’s time to strike while at least the population of a small city knows who he is; we all know he may be playing state fairs in no time, so why not squeeze every dollar we can get out of this tall, handsome product?” laughed Jacob Dillerson, the singer’s publicist.

At press time, homeboy’s second single “Girl, My Truck Awaits” had just leapfrogged three well-written, interesting songs from women to climb into the top 40.

Honest Billboard Country Airplay Top 20

Fun With the Black Hole

Monday Morning Memes: ACMs, Wrestlemania, Kane Brown

The Crud Report: February 2019

Monday Morning Memes: Cole, Kane, Mitchell

Cole Swindell's on the Night Train

I'm Sorry, This Exists: Questionable Country Merch & Memorabilia

Mitchell Tenpenny "Bitches" shirt. Please wear this to the upcoming WWE Evolution all-women pay-per-view and get your ass beat.

Sam Hunt as an admiral artwork. For the person in your life who has everything …including bad taste.

George "Straight" t-shirt. Why does this keep happening?

Another one. Please stop. 

And a sign. SMH.

This FGL t-shirt. Buy now and it comes with a free pack of condoms so you won't procreate!

This ugly ass Cole Swindell dolman. Dolman? What the hell's a dolman?

Kane Brown prayer candle. Yeah, you better pray extra hard if you buy this.

"Sexy" Garth Brooks "G" panties. What lady wouldn't feel extra sexy wearing underpants feturing the logo of a rotund middle-aged rope-swinging country wildman on them? 

And finally, Rascal Flatts on Hostess products including donuts and Twinkies seems a little too on-the-nose to actually exist, but here ya go: