Showing posts with label Dallas Davidson. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dallas Davidson. Show all posts

Jan 22, 2015

FTM Predicts the Lyrics: Luke Bryan - Kick the Dust Up

 
Yesterday, Luke Bryan announced his huge 2015 "Kick the Dust Up" tour. That's presumably the name of the forthcoming first single (or just a cut) off his next album, and it's written by our buddies Dallas Davidson, Ashley Gorley and Chris DeStefano (writers of the all-time classic "That's My Kind of Night"). Here is (are?) FTM's predicted lyrics for that sure-fire hit and bane of our existence for months to come.

Kick the Dust Up
©2015 FTM Satire

This ol' town is so boring and stuff
Nobody likes to get turnt up
To Schmurda and Big Sean
Well I ain't stressin' on what they say
So climb up in my pick-up bae
Let's get our cliché on

Kick the dust up
Shake your butt butt
Girl, move them haunches like a paint mixer
Tearin' up the pasture like a twister
Fill your cup up
Kick the dust up

All my bros is blowin' up my phone
Pulling up twisted on Patron
Glad they out that damn town
All them bustahs keep throwin' shade
But I just wanna get laid
So drop them cutoffs down

Kick the dust up
Shake your butt butt
Girl, bounce that thang like a jackhammer
Let's get cray cray, nah I didn't stammer
Fill your cup up
Kick the dust up

Bridge
Out here where the moon hangs low
Forget about your troubles
Hangin' with thots and crankin' Coe
Babe I wanna bust yo bubble

Kick the dust up
Shake your butt butt
Girl, twerk that maker like yo name is Miley
Make my emoticon a smiley
Fill your cup up
Kick the dust up

Oct 8, 2014

Top 10 Ways Nashville Songwriters are Changing Their Approach in 2014

 
On 2014's mainstream country radio, we've seen a slight maturing of the content and a subtle movement away from so much "bro." There have also been other shifts, such as nekkid-ness and even more drinking than anyone thought possible. Here are some of the methods Music Row's finest are using to adapt with the times.

Top 10 Ways Nashville Songwriters are Changing
Their Approach in 2014

10. Learning the names of a larger variety of alcoholic beverages
for their songs' characters to drink while driving

09. Requesting that singers pronounce "truck" with a bit of ironic displeasure

08. Extending group of 'outsiders' who should be pummeled by
country boys to include people who live in the suburbs, the educated, and bloggers

07. Evolving their sonic palette from 'peak hair metal' (Poison, Bon Jovi)
to 'waning days of hair metal' (Trixter, Danger Danger)

06. Bringing back the working man trope (as long as he don't work in no damn city)

05. Tamping down on the misogyny a bit by giving female characters a larger role, such as 
lighting the bonfire, letting down the tailgate, or initiating the unprotected sex

04. Limiting grammatical errors to 2 per song

03. Slyly inserting marijuana references into every song,
including quasi-religious songs and anti-immigration anthems

02. Cutting back on incidents of racist, homophobic rants and drunken brawls

01. Full frontal nudity

Sep 17, 2014

Dallas Davidson: Winner

DD made this comment in response to @DrunkenMartina 's Twitter question:
"Advice for other misogynistic manchildren who want to get rich writing
the same song over and over? " during Monday night's Country Music Chat.


Sep 3, 2014

If Dallas Davidson Had Written These Country Classics





Guitars, Cadillacs

And it's DJs, Chevys jacked, EDM music
Muddy, muddy fields that my tires roam
Yeah, my DJs, Chevys jacked, EDM music
And sexting hotties pictures of my dong


 
Old Dogs, Children and Watermelon Wine

Old trucks drive you round the square even when you're drunk as hell
God bless little cutoffs them girls are shakin' so well
That's pretty much the deepest stuff that's ever on my mind
Yeah old trucks and cutoffs and Kroger cherry shine


 
King of the Road

Raptor with chromed out vents
Custom seat - leather bench
Bluetooth and intake kit
Brand new Powerplant winch
Yo, it's..four hundred horses strong
Drive your girl right out of her thong
I'm the man drivin' with a lean
King of the bros


 
Forever and Ever Amen

If you wonder how long we'll be grindin'
Well, just crank up R Kelly's 12 Play
I'm gonna tap it for minutes, and minutes and minutes, lil bae


 
Hello Darlin'

What's up baby
How you doin'?
Those jeans sure are tight
So shake that money
Like I love to see

Have a cold one
Are you horny
Like I am tonight
Drop the tailgate
And play some Aldean

Jun 17, 2014

Top 10 Rules for Writing a Hit Country Song in 2014


10. Check Billboard's charts archives and see
what was popular in pop and rap 10 years ago. Do that.

09. Be a famous person's offspring.

08. Write what you know, unless you know about anything other
than leaning on your truck in a pasture drinking fake moonshine and staring
at the rear ends of females dancing beside a bonfire to a song about leaning
on your truck in a pasture drinking fake moonshine and staring at the
rear ends of females dancing beside a bonfire.

07. When writing a song for a female artist, stop doing that.

06. Move to Nashville. Do you honestly think a record exec is going to come
to your house so you can give them sexual favors to get your foot in the door?

05. Be in a fraternity and when one of your fellow members
gets into the business, they'll hook you up, bro.

04. Go to a club where critically lauded Americana or roots rock artists perform
and listen to their earnest, heartfelt songs. Maybe even talk with them after the show and find out about their motives and inspirations so you can make sure to never do any of that stuff.

03. Kiss ass kiss ass kiss ass.

02. Don't write a country song.

01. Sit down for a few hours with your guitar and a bottle of whiskey and pour out your
emotions into a powerful song about hurt, love and the power of the human spirit.
Then throw that sumbitch in the trash and go write a truck song with 3 other dudes.

Mar 18, 2014

If Dallas Davidson Had Written These Big Hits



FTM ponders what these famous rock, R&B, rap and country songs would have sounded like if Dallas Davidson or any of his compadres had written them...



Pearl Jam - Even Flow
Gravel road, trucks arrive tires oversized
Oh, bring some hoes, who can make the sugar shake
Better yet, we'll have Miller Lite again
Lite again, Lite again...



Roberta Flack - First Time Ever I Saw Your Face
The first time ever I saw dat ass
I felt my skinny jeans start to rise
And the moon and the stars over my tailgate
Got to watch me get in them thighs



Merle Haggard - Fightin' Side of Me
If you gone mad-dog, step up:
Let these brass knucks be a warnin'.
If you're cock-blockin' on hotties, son,
You bout to meet the fightin' side of me.



Carl Perkins (Elvis Presley) - Blue Suede Shoes
Well, it's one for the honeys,
Two for the shine,
Three for my Chevy,
Past the county line.
But don't you step on my square-toed boots.
You can do anything but lay off of my square-toed boots.



Jay-Z - 99 Problems
99 problems but a hitch ain't one
If you need to pull a trailer, get a Smittybilt son
I got 99 problems but a hitch ain't one
Hit me

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