Americana Band's Van and Gear Not Stolen

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Tuesday, June 17, 2014 

A popular roots rock band is not starting a Kickstarter page to defray the costs of a white 1998 Ford E-350 van and Pro-Line trailer with the band's logo on the side and $1700 in musical gear, which were quite shockingly not stolen after a recent Houston area gig. 

The Whiskey Hawks, of High Point, North Carolina, had just finished up their supporting set for Jason Boland at Dosey Doe in The Woodlands and ducked out a bit early. "We'd seen Jason and the guys a few times before and hung out some, and we were hungry, so we left around 9:30 for Waffle House," said drummer Gus Pounds. "And that's when it happened." 

Members of the four-piece Americana/punk/folk outfit were shocked by what they discovered. "I thought maybe the scattered-and-covered I'd had was messing with my head," explained lead singer Aaron Lavox, "but our van and trailer were still right there where we parked them." 

Police were not called to the scene of the un-stolen touring vehicle and 'drunken hawk' emblazoned instrument carrier, and aside from a small hole in a denim vest caused by an unextinguished American Spirit cigarette, no damage was reported. 

"I'm happy, you know, but I'm just thinking the whole time... is our stuff not good enough for you?" bassist James Squier wondered as he groomed his immaculate beard. "Even the cajon was still there ...what, nobody wanted that for an end table?" 

At press time, the Whiskey Hawks were contemplating a PledgeMusic campaign to fund an upcoming six-song covers EP of obscure Bellamy Brothers songs. 

Hank 3's New Monday Night Football Theme Deemed Inappropriate

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Tuesday, January 19, 2010 

ESPN and NFL officials are beginning to regret asking Hank Williams III to pen and perform a new theme song for the stalwart Monday Night Football franchise. After deeming his first attempt "vulgar," "loud," "inappropriate" and "out of tune," MNF producers have asked Williams for a rewrite. 

"For the 2010-11 season, we wanted to reach a younger audience with a more rocking and contemporary theme song. Who better than the son of Bocephus, whose song 'Are You Ready for Some Football?' we've used for years?" asked MNF's Jay Rothman. "The song Shelton turned in certainly brought the rock and, for the most part, a more current sound, but was not at all right for our product." 

The first demo of Hank's "Monday Night M***********g Football" includes 21 profanities, 3 drug references, one line taken verbatim from the Satanic bible, and some disturbingly violent imagery. It starts out as a straight country song, reminiscent of something Williams' legendary grandfather might have done, before plowing headlong into a rambling punk/thrash metal amalgam complete with Cookie Monster vocals. 

"We did some editing on the track to see if there was anything usable," said Rothman, "and we did glean 20 seconds without cursing, but it was a verse about drinking whiskey and shooting the television with an ol' shotgun if your team loses. We just can't put that message out there." 

Hank has promised to tame it down, but is unrepentant about the first cut. "I just wanted to kick their ass man," said III. "Sh*t, the people want their teeth knocked down their throats with some hellbilly music before they watch their team beat the g*****n m***********g sh*t out of those other b*tches!" 

If Williams is unable to rewrite the song to the producers' satisfaction, the backup plan is to move forward with a Timbaland remix of Hank II's well-known theme, featuring T-Pain. 

Dwight Yoakam Speaks Out on Chafing

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Friday, May 21, 2010 

Dwight Yoakam has taken on the yoke, so to speak, of bringing a seldom considered - but quite serious health matter to the forefront of the American consciousness. The twangy country singer/actor has signed on with NADDS (National Abrasion Detection & Deletion Society) to appear in their television and radio spots promoting the awareness of severe groin chafing. 

"This was a perfect fit for me, no pun intended," laughed Yoakam, who has been known to wear his boot cut jeans a bit on the tight side. "So I thought, hell, why not?" 

Lou Brickant, founder and head spokesperson for NADDS, told us: "Like ball and glove, this will be a close relationship; we'll be sponsoring D-Y's next tour and handing out pamphlets and comfort packets at each show. Lap wellness is a severely overlooked personal health issue in this nation and we intend to bring awareness to the fans' genital areas." 

Yoakam says he has taken steps in his life and career to prevent chafing which he thinks would benefit all his fans as well. "I've traded the painted-on jeans for merely wallpapered-on jeans and I've started liberally applying Blue Star ointments and powders to prevent rash and chafing. I've learned to pamper my package." 

Dwight has even written the hygiene issue into the first single from his forthcoming album. "It's called 'Blue Star Baby' and it's about a woman who hangs on waaay too tight," said Yoakam, fidgeting in his seat out of habit. 

The singer's 52-date "Saving the American Crotch" tour begins Friday, June 11 in Crested Butte, CO and continues through summer before wrapping up in Dicktown, NJ in September. 

Spiteful Aldean Vows to Never Release Another Good Single

Fake News Classics

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Thursday, August 06, 2015 

Breaking the one-decent-single-per-album trend that has characterized his career thus far, country superstar Jason Aldean vowed on Thursday to never release a good song to radio again. 

"I'm sick and tired of these bloggers and old people and jealous haters deriving pleasure from any of my songs," Aldean told Country California. "If they're going to talk trash about all my other terrible - but focus group tested for maximum chart impact - singles, why should I give them a 'Flyover States' or anything else they might actually kinda enjoy?" 

Aldean, the singer of "Amarillo Sky," has seemingly grown more jaded and irritable in recent years, likely due to critical 'bro-country' backlash and social media commentary about his romantic affairs. 

"I don't owe anybody a damn thing, especially people who don't like the two to three predictably moronic party anthems I generally release to country radio in each album cycle - it's all or nothing, you jackasses," said a frowning Aldean after announcing the godawful "Gonna Know We Were Here" as his newest single. 

Many of Aldean's so-called haters expected the final single from Old Boots, New Dirt to be the ear-pleasing "Two Night Town," as it has been Aldean's pattern to balance two or three sh*ttacular songs per album with at least one single that suggests he actually would have the talent to not be such a commerce-driven cliché of an artist if he were so inclined. 

"Nobody will ever hear a 'The Truth' or a 'Night Train' from me again unless they dig into the deep album cuts," promised Aldean. "I'm not in the business of putting out intelligent or emotionally authentic songs that a Sturgill Simpson fan might find himself enjoying, despite misgivings." 

"Screw those guys." 

One-of-a-Kind New Country Singer Carves His Own Niche

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California Wednesday, January 14, 2015 

Already named to The Boot's prestigious "Ones to Watch 2015" list, Brant Smith is poised for a breakthrough year and he wants you to know he's doing it his way. Our correspondent sat down with Bryant to find out what makes him stand out among this year's crop of stubble-chinned warblers. 

"Most debut artists don't get as much control over their music as Prestige Nashville has given me, but they saw something edgy and different in me and just handed over the reins," said Scott, molding a stray tuft of gelled hair back into the towering blond coiffure atop his head. Chris went on to explain how his first album will be a true portrait of his life and his completely distinctive upbringing. 

"Man, I grew up on a dirt road where there wasn't much to do, so me and my friends just kicked it the best way we knew how," explained Dylan. "I know this sounds crazy, but sometimes we'd just grab a few cold ones and some pretty girls and find a field to chill in. That's the kind of out-there stuff I want to bring to my music!" 

Chad's wildly idiosyncratic influences range anywhere from "good ol' country like Kenny and Trace" to Godsmack to Calvin Harris to Waka Flocka Flame. "Nobody out there's going to admit listening to all the crazy stuff I do, much less incorporate it into their country music," laughed Mark, pushing up the sleeves of his form-fitting grey henley. 

Steven, quite surprisingly a former high school quarterback, went on to say that he'd taken the unheard of step of co-writing the entire album with some of Nashville's lesser-known songwriters like Ashley Gorley, Josh Kear, and Kyle Jacobs. Jon expects to release an EP in early spring as he heads out in support of fellow maverick Chase Rice, with a full album to follow in the fall. 

Based on his nonconformist attitude and unusual backstory, we expect Lee to forge his own path outside the box on Music Row and become a force to reckon with on country radio. Listen to The Bobby Bones Show this Friday as Randy debuts his new single "Girl Let's Have a Good Time Tonight." 

One Guy Just Pretending to Be in Zac Brown Band

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Wednesday, November 03, 2010 

The Zac Brown Band has added a new member to its already large roster, unbeknownst to Zac Brown. 

FNN has learned that "rhythm guitarist" Jesse Carlsworth of Pittsburgh has been touring with the hit country group of his own accord since their performance in his city in July. He is not listed on the ZBB website or the CD booklet for their newest release You Get What You Give, but has found his way onto a couple of concert t-shirts and promo shots. 

At the band's recent show in Charlotte, NC, Carlsworth appeared onstage, heavy with facial growth and clad in a plaid shirt and torn jeans. Nothing seemed askew, as he shared between-song banter with other members and pretended, adequately enough, to play rhythm guitar throughout the 18 song set. During the coda of the final song, Zac Brown recognized all the band members, but looked perplexed when he came to Jesse, saying "and there's uh, ol' Zeke on second rhythm guitar." 

A call to management has gone unreturned, but attendees from other recent concerts have reported similar stories. "I didn't think nothin' about it, he was singing harmony just fine, I think," said Jeanie Luke of Phoenix. "You mean he ain't really in the band? I got him to sign my left boobie in the parking lot after the show!" 

For its part, the band has welcomed Jesse with open arms, despite confusion regarding the status of his employment. "I just figured Zac signed him," said drummer Chris Fryar, "and I don't guess Zac has paid him much mind and I haven't had time to ask because Zac's always cooking before and after shows." 

The Zac Brown Band, Jesse Carlsworth in tow, hit Indiana, Missouri and Kansas through the weekend. 

Collin Raye's Comeback Album All Songs About Underwear

Originally posted on Country California, Friday, February 20, 2009 

Fresh off several years of high-profile commercial exposure with his cheeky Fruit of the Loom ads, former country hitmaker Collin Raye has revealed that his comeback album will consist entirely of songs about underwear. To hear Raye tell it, he had little choice in the matter. "You don't mess with success" he laughed, referring to the "popularity" of songs like "You Can't Overlove Your Underwear." 

"Oh that'll be on there for sure, but that's just for starters" said Raye, his cheeks blushing with excitement or embarrassment. "The first single will be called 'I Love You in Yours (Tight Silky Drawers),' and it's a real slow burner of a love song." The album will also include the mid-tempo anthems "Pouchful of Love" and "I Hope You Dance (In Your Underpants)," the ballad "I'd Love to Lace You Down" and the rocking "Teenage Waistband." 

Raye hopes country radio will give these songs a chance despite their gstring-narrow subject matter. "Almost everyone wears 'em, so it's a universal topic. And I truly think this is some of the best-written material I've laid hands on in years. The thong... err, song's the thing" Raye winked, a teardrop gleaming in his eye. 

Although he has struggled to chart in recent years, Raye said he'd bet his Jockeys that one of his new tunes will "crack" the Top 40. Then he broke down sobbing, bringing our brief interview to an abrupt end.

Fake News Classics: One Truck Still Doesn't Have a Country Song Written About It

One of Brenda's more fortunate classmates

Originally posted on Country California, Wednesday, July 23, 2014

A single 1974 Dodge Club Cab pickup in Oak Vale, Mississippi, has somehow escaped the gaze and thoughtful tune-smithing of country music songwriters. The sky blue four-speed vehicle resting beneath the spreading boughs of a 61-year-old magnolia tree to the side of retired farmer Clyde Henderson's modest home has never once been the lyrical setting of a tailgate party, mudding adventure, or late night tryst. 

Henderson says he feels bad for "Brenda" (his affectionate name for the Dodge) because even though she has taken part in such activities as circling up for a party, carrying wood for a bonfire, rolling over in a ditch on a tight curve, cranking ol' Hank, and other country music tropes, not so much as a chorus has ever memorialized her in song. "I think it hurts her - yeah, I think she has feelings - to hear literally every other pickup truck in America get its own few minutes of fame on country radio," said a downcast Henderson. 

These days, Brenda spends much of her time taking Clyde to his morning breakfast club or hauling the occasional load of firewood, her hard-partying glory days only documented in the dings, scrapes, and squeaks on the old Club Cab. "Don't tell Lena [Clyde's wife of 42 years] I said this, but our first kid was made in that ol' truck one night down by Jeff Davis Lake, while fireflies danced and Ray Price sang on those crackling speakers," recalled Henderson. "Hell, that's a platinum Jason Aldean single just waiting to happen." 

Other marketable, high-country-cred events in Brenda's past that have inexplicably been overlooked by Nashville's finest include: hauling ass down River Road with a stolen case of High Life in the bed, getting stuck in a soybean field on purpose, playing host to a tailgate striptease by Lena (don't tell her we said that), flying a rebel flag, taking Clyde and a friend to a Bocephus concert, and more. 

At press time, 64 Music Row songwriters were wondering why their GPS couldn't locate Oak Vale. 

Fake News Classics: Alan Jackson Seeks Embarrassing Dud for Next Album

I recently received a file from CM Wilcox of the former Country California that includes all my old fake news posted at that dearly departed site. Some of them aren't relevant anymore or don't make sense to repost, but from time to time, I'll be posting some of those stories for your reading enjoyment or annoyance. Here's one.

Alan Jackson Seeks Embarrassing Dud for Next Album

Originally posted on Country California, Tuesday, January 05, 2010

As lead single "It's Just That Way" hits select radio stations, Alan Jackson has made an open call for a particular song type to fill out the track listing on his next studio album.

"Well shucks," said the long tall Georgian, "we were doing a final listen through of all the tracks to determine the song order for the new record and noticed something strange. All the songs were devoid of awkward 'hip' phrases, bad near-rhymes, strange metaphors, dopey technology references and lines that would sound corny or dated by next year. I grabbed Keith (Stegall, his producer) and told him, 'Doggone man, we've gotta open up a slot!'"

To that end, Jackson has announced that single song submissions will be accepted through January 31, 2010 for a possible cut on his late spring release.

"I could write one myself, but I'm a little burned out on songs about not liking to wear sandals and I can't think of any more not-that-clever ways to say I'm a simple man, so I wanted to invite fans and fellow writers to submit their own turds," laughed Jackson. "I don't know, maybe something about that Kenya West fella or something?"

The near-legendary traditionalist country singer has a stellar record of classic songs during his twenty year career, but has made sure to give a little something back to the undiscerning fan on every record.

"You know, Brad Paisley used to put a gospel song on every CD; it was his signature for a while. Well, my signature is one ill-advised, shockingly embarrassing cut per record," explained Jackson, who named "www.memory," "I Still Like Bologna," and "that one about cornbread and chicken" as examples.

A notice posted to Jackson's website offers the following topical suggestions for song entries: wearing a fanny pack, a knee infection, deer hunting as a contrived (PG rated) sexual metaphor, an Alan Jackson Droid app, affection for an old go-cart, weedeating while drunk, and beef jerky.