Women Not Making Good Enough Songs, Explains Dumbass

Jaxon Ward, local tool

Local moron Jaxon Ward thinks women are themselves to blame for country radio not playing them in great number in recent years. "Their songs are terrible," said the shitbird, 23, taking a puff from his gun-shaped vape mod. "They don't even use snap beats that much."

Ward, a huge fan of male-sung songs with "girl" in the title, explained that women just aren't making good enough songs for radio these days. "Look, I'm all about equal sex or whatever, but how can these chicks compete with songs about hooking up with chicks?" he laughed vacantly. "I mean there was that lesbian song from Little Big Town a couple years ago but that was perverted." 

Based on which country chart you follow, solo women artists comprise between 5-10% of the total artists at any given time lately. There has been much discussion and consternation about this topic over the past couple years with little agreement on how to fix the problem or for some, if that even is a problem. 

"I could care less. When they start putting out kickass songs then we'll talk," brayed the jackass, completely unaware of the existence of Ashley McBryde and Kacey Musgraves. "The ones I've heard are all shrieking about an ex or being shrill about wanting to be able to vote or something; it's really cringy. Why can't they put out cool shit like "Feels Like a Party" or "Bitches?"" 

At press time, the "single but always slinging pipe" Ward, was blasting Moonshine Bandits from his jacked up truck at a stoplight while staring down the top of the mom in the car beside him.

Local Man Arrested for Merchandise Tampering at Area Walmart

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Thursday, August 04, 2011 

Local country fan Reginald Spears was arrested over the weekend for merchandise tampering at the new Super Walmart out on the bypass. The details of his infractions are unique, to say the least. 

Third-shift electronics cashier Lena Johnston first noticed Spears rifling through the country CD section and filling a grocery cart with at least 100 discs before leaving the department. She thought he was just a rabid music fan until he returned 15 minutes later with the same cart and began slipping CDs back onto the shelves while looking around suspiciously. 

Johnston walked over to Spears and asked if he'd decided not to make the massive music purchase. Spears responded "Yeah, yeah uh, yes ma'am" and began sweating profusely. He became spooked shortly afterwards and haphazardly threw the remainder of his CDs on the shelf before walking away. Johnston investigated the country section and noticed that it was full of unwrapped, well-worn CDs that Spears had apparently brought from his home. Spears was apprehended by security, mostly without incident, before leaving the store. 

"I looked on the shelf and where Rascal Flatts was supposed to be, that scruffy looking man had put Flatt & Smugs or something like that... and where Taylor Swift had been, he'd replaced it with Tanya Tucker. I guess he'd stole all them new CDs and tried to replace 'em with his old junk," said a perplexed Johnston. 

Fresh out on bail, Mr. Spears had a far different story. "I didn't shoplift nothin'. I told the cops they could find all that country pop bullsh*t in the Rubbermaid garbage cans in home wares... where that crap belongs," said Spears. "I was just trying to give the people around here some damn culture, so I brought my whole collection up here to give away for free. Of course, I've got it all ripped on my laptop. My alphabetizing skills might be lacking, but I ain't stupid." 

"Can you believe they didn't have a Jerry Reed CD in the whole god***n store?" he continued. "Well, for 15 shining minutes last Friday night, they did." 

The shoplifting charges against Spears were dropped but he still faces misdemeanor charges of mischief and merchandise tampering. For his part, Reginald is considering legal action against the store. 

Spears explained: "They threw all my CDs in the dumpster and broke 'em, them motherf***ers! I'm suing their asses for destruction of property and mental anguish. I was just trying to help this town out... I'm a by-God patriot!" 

Walmart officials had no comment on the situation. 

The Crud Report: January 2019

Carrie Underwood Bites Head Off Live Broccoli On Stage

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Thursday, January 15, 2009 

Former American Idol winner and country superstar Carrie Underwood upset plant rights activists Wednesday night with a shocking act at her Memphis concert. During her encore, in the midst of the blazing "Sweet Child o' Mine" guitar solo, Underwood, wearing over-the-knee leather boots and a tight black dress, walked to the middle of the stage with a Ziploc enclosure of fresh veggies in her hand. 

The crowd gasped as Underwood reached into the baggie and selected a crisp piece of broccoli, still dripping with morning dew. As the solo reached its zenith, Underwood neatly snipped the head off the helpless garden dweller with a quick click of her pearly whites, smiling coldly all the while. As juices and bits of green flesh dripped down her chin, Underwood casually ripped off the "where do we go now?" refrain with terrifying ease over audible gasps from concert goers. Portions of the FedEx Forum audience seemed appalled at the carnage, while others cheered her on. 

Underwood finished her set with an attitude-filled take on her massive hit "Before He Cheats" before swiftly leaving the stage, her visible discomposure reflecting a dawning awareness of the wicked deed she had just committed. PEVA (People for Ethical Vegetable Accommodation) spokeswoman Greta Peels said her organization was pushing Memphis-area law enforcement for a full investigation into the matter. 

Neal McCoy's "Merry Christmas (I'll Put My Knee Up Your Ass if You Say Happy Holidays)" Selling Poorly

90s country superstar Neal McCoy released the seasonal song "Merry Christmas (I'll Put My Knee Up Your Ass if You Say Happy Holidays)" in November and has yet to see any country radio airplay. The jovial anthem, which bemoans the war on Christmas, is also seeing poor sales and negligible streaming numbers. 

McCoy told us that while he is disappointed in the stats so far, he feels like the song will be one of those that becomes a standard for years to come. "Like my buddy Aaron Tippin says, you've got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything, and that's what this song does." smiled the still boyishly handsome McCoy, who earlier this year took a stand against football players taking a knee with the similarly un-listened-to "Take a Knee My Ass." 

Neal's current song features the chorus:

"It's Merry Christmas

and I'm here to say

I'll put my knee up your ass

if you say Happy Holidays

Praise Jesus!

If you don't, you can leave this country and stay"

Country program directors tell us that the song has tested poorly. One anonymous PD told us "Despite the message resonating with many of our listeners, the word 'ass' just doesn't go over well with our audience, unless you're talking about a woman's sexy, daisy-duke-clad, tan-lined backside, that is. Also, Neal is old."

At press time, McCoy was in the studio recording his next topical country song, "My Ass Will Build the Wall Myself."

"The Christmas Shoes" Sends Local Man Over the Edge

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Thursday, December 15, 2011 

Local country music fan Reginald Spears was arrested Tuesday for trespassing and destruction of property at WTSM Catfish 104.9 FM. Oddly enough, it was popular holiday song "The Christmas Shoes" that set him off. 

Spears had apparently called the station several times in recent weeks profanely complaining about the seasonal hit being played so frequently. "I appreciate feedback from our listeners," said station manager Bart McGee, "but a lot of people like to hear that song this time of year. It's a sweet, and in no way contrived or overwrought, story." 

Currently still in the Hazzard County Jail, Spears is facing potential stiff fines and further charges pending an FCC investigation of the incident that knocked WTSM off the air for approximately 28 hours Monday and Tuesday. 

Around noon on Monday, Spears allegedly climbed the fence behind the radio station and used industrial-grade bolt cutters to cut all wires and cables connecting the transmitter tower to the station. Miraculously unhurt despite the barbed wire and high voltage, Spears was only caught after posting a photo of himself urinating on the tower on Facebook. 

"I told that little weasely sumbitch DJ that if he played that 'Christmas Shoes' crap again, he was going to regret it," said the local man by phone interview yesterday. 

Describing the circumstances that caused him to snap, Spears continued: "My internet had been down since I hit the phone line digging a pool in the front yard two weeks ago, so I was forcing myself to listen to regular radio. I usually just turned it down when they played Rascal Fatts or Fartly Gilbert, but it seemed like every other song was that damn weepy-ass feel-good piece of crap. Man, I love Jesus and everything, but f*** me runnin', I want to commit Harry Caray [editorial note: we're sure this is how he would have spelled it] when I hear about mama meeting Him tonight." 

Over at WTSM, McGee tells us the Clear Channel affiliated radio station may sue Spears to recoup repair charges and loss of advertising revenue: "I can't understand how a lovely religious holiday song could make a man cause such damage - some folks just aren't wired right, I guess." 

NewSong had no comment at press time. 

The Crud Report December: Old Dominion, Christmas, Kid Rock, etc.

Americana Band's Van and Gear Not Stolen

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Tuesday, June 17, 2014 

A popular roots rock band is not starting a Kickstarter page to defray the costs of a white 1998 Ford E-350 van and Pro-Line trailer with the band's logo on the side and $1700 in musical gear, which were quite shockingly not stolen after a recent Houston area gig. 

The Whiskey Hawks, of High Point, North Carolina, had just finished up their supporting set for Jason Boland at Dosey Doe in The Woodlands and ducked out a bit early. "We'd seen Jason and the guys a few times before and hung out some, and we were hungry, so we left around 9:30 for Waffle House," said drummer Gus Pounds. "And that's when it happened." 

Members of the four-piece Americana/punk/folk outfit were shocked by what they discovered. "I thought maybe the scattered-and-covered I'd had was messing with my head," explained lead singer Aaron Lavox, "but our van and trailer were still right there where we parked them." 

Police were not called to the scene of the un-stolen touring vehicle and 'drunken hawk' emblazoned instrument carrier, and aside from a small hole in a denim vest caused by an unextinguished American Spirit cigarette, no damage was reported. 

"I'm happy, you know, but I'm just thinking the whole time... is our stuff not good enough for you?" bassist James Squier wondered as he groomed his immaculate beard. "Even the cajon was still there ...what, nobody wanted that for an end table?" 

At press time, the Whiskey Hawks were contemplating a PledgeMusic campaign to fund an upcoming six-song covers EP of obscure Bellamy Brothers songs. 

Man Ecstatic He Couldn't Afford Florida-Georgia Line Tickets

Lawrence Kosmicki, 29, has never been so proud to be broke. The Las Vegas man recently lost out on Florida-Georgia Line tickets and lost a girlfriend on the same night, and he couldn't be happier. 

Larry's girlfriend of 2 months had been dropping hints for days that she wanted to see the pop-country duo during their residency at the Zappos Arena. "I ignored it at first because I hoped she was kidding. We didn't know each other that well yet and I was feeling out the situation" said a cheerful Kosmicki. "But when I took a look at her Spotify playlists, I was horrified by whatever a Filmore and a Kane Brown are, and knew she was serious."

Kosmicki said the hints became suggestions and the suggestions became a warning. "She said she was just gonna go with her ex-boyfriend if I wouldn't take her." he shook his head, "She wasn't threatening to cheat or anything, but she wanted to put that concern in my head to get her way."

Larry finally gave in last weekend. "I got just shitty blackout drunk so I'd be able to go through with the vile act," he laughed. "I felt dirty." 

Once online, he secured good seats for the FGL show, which also featured Mason Ramsey and Canaan Smith. When he went to checkout, his life began to change. The price for two tickets, after service charge, order charge, convenience charge, venue fee, insurance, fee charges, and charge fees came to $301.64. His checking account only had 83 bucks in it, so he tried his Mastercard. Nope. Visa. Nope. Diner's Club? Kroger rewards card? Nope. 

"I thought about calling my dad and asking for a loan, but then I had an epiphany. For you Florida-Georgia Line fans, an epiphany is a sudden moment of insight… anyway, I realized that there was no way on earth I'd ever be happy with a woman who loved the musical equivalent of somebody wearing a Bluetooth earpiece in Walmart," said Kosmicki. "So the hell with it." 

Larry called his girlfriend and told her to have a great time at the concert with her ex. He broke things off with her and immediately hit his knees in prayer. "I thanked God that I was broke, because I'd have gone through with (buying the tickets) and that would've been a really bad investment in a relationship that had no chance. I can't be unequally yoked with a person with terrible taste." he related.

At press time, Larry had just gotten his next paycheck but still "ain't buying no f***ing tickets to see Florida-Georgia Line." 

Hank 3's New Monday Night Football Theme Deemed Inappropriate

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Tuesday, January 19, 2010 

ESPN and NFL officials are beginning to regret asking Hank Williams III to pen and perform a new theme song for the stalwart Monday Night Football franchise. After deeming his first attempt "vulgar," "loud," "inappropriate" and "out of tune," MNF producers have asked Williams for a rewrite. 

"For the 2010-11 season, we wanted to reach a younger audience with a more rocking and contemporary theme song. Who better than the son of Bocephus, whose song 'Are You Ready for Some Football?' we've used for years?" asked MNF's Jay Rothman. "The song Shelton turned in certainly brought the rock and, for the most part, a more current sound, but was not at all right for our product." 

The first demo of Hank's "Monday Night M***********g Football" includes 21 profanities, 3 drug references, one line taken verbatim from the Satanic bible, and some disturbingly violent imagery. It starts out as a straight country song, reminiscent of something Williams' legendary grandfather might have done, before plowing headlong into a rambling punk/thrash metal amalgam complete with Cookie Monster vocals. 

"We did some editing on the track to see if there was anything usable," said Rothman, "and we did glean 20 seconds without cursing, but it was a verse about drinking whiskey and shooting the television with an ol' shotgun if your team loses. We just can't put that message out there." 

Hank has promised to tame it down, but is unrepentant about the first cut. "I just wanted to kick their ass man," said III. "Sh*t, the people want their teeth knocked down their throats with some hellbilly music before they watch their team beat the g*****n m***********g sh*t out of those other b*tches!" 

If Williams is unable to rewrite the song to the producers' satisfaction, the backup plan is to move forward with a Timbaland remix of Hank II's well-known theme, featuring T-Pain. 

The Crud Report: November 2018

Luke Bryan Shares Actual Political Thought

With 2018's big election day here, the normally politically reserved Luke Bryan finally spoke out. He posted the following statement on his Instagram account:

"Hey uh, y'all. Today is election day! If uh, y'all ain't felons and are 18, please get out there and exercise your right to vote today! If that's cool, you know. You also have to right not to vote too [sic]. That is equally as valid an option, unless you think it isn't. If you're offended by either of those options, please just skip over this post and go listen to my music. If you do vote, I won't tell you who to vote for or nothing. Just use your heart and mind and y'all pick the best man or woman or other person who you best feel lines up with your beliefs. I hope this didn't offend anybody. Please still like me."

The completely innocuous post gave no particular insights into Bryan's political affiliations or beliefs. It also placed no preference on voting or abstaining. Despite the unbiased and overly apologetic IG post, the comment section, of course, became a battleground full of venom and poor grammar. 

@lauraleekk436 replied: "You done it now and got political! I just comes here to see pitchers of you're butt in jeans and to fine out when you're next concerts is. I'm done with you now! Shut UP and sing! #kanebrownisbetter"

@lukesprintsess stated: "Don't forget about pizza gate and the emails and contrails when you vote today! Soros sucks! #maga"

@givesocialismachance said: "Maybe if you haven't done your research about the history of this country and all the lives America has destroyed, you shouldn't suggest that people vote. I imagine many of your fans are Trump supporters too, so it is very irresponsible for you to suggest they vote. You are complicit in the destruction of the world and the continued othering of oppressed populations if there's a red wave. I, in good conscience, cannot listen to your music anymore."

After a few hours of comments full of foul, misspelled, hateful screaming into the void, the post was removed, leaving us to again wonder if Luke Bryan has any actual opinions that don't relate to cutoff jeans, text messages, and beer on truck beds. The world may never know.

Dwight Yoakam Speaks Out on Chafing

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Friday, May 21, 2010 

Dwight Yoakam has taken on the yoke, so to speak, of bringing a seldom considered - but quite serious health matter to the forefront of the American consciousness. The twangy country singer/actor has signed on with NADDS (National Abrasion Detection & Deletion Society) to appear in their television and radio spots promoting the awareness of severe groin chafing. 

"This was a perfect fit for me, no pun intended," laughed Yoakam, who has been known to wear his boot cut jeans a bit on the tight side. "So I thought, hell, why not?" 

Lou Brickant, founder and head spokesperson for NADDS, told us: "Like ball and glove, this will be a close relationship; we'll be sponsoring D-Y's next tour and handing out pamphlets and comfort packets at each show. Lap wellness is a severely overlooked personal health issue in this nation and we intend to bring awareness to the fans' genital areas." 

Yoakam says he has taken steps in his life and career to prevent chafing which he thinks would benefit all his fans as well. "I've traded the painted-on jeans for merely wallpapered-on jeans and I've started liberally applying Blue Star ointments and powders to prevent rash and chafing. I've learned to pamper my package." 

Dwight has even written the hygiene issue into the first single from his forthcoming album. "It's called 'Blue Star Baby' and it's about a woman who hangs on waaay too tight," said Yoakam, fidgeting in his seat out of habit. 

The singer's 52-date "Saving the American Crotch" tour begins Friday, June 11 in Crested Butte, CO and continues through summer before wrapping up in Dicktown, NJ in September. 

Spiteful Aldean Vows to Never Release Another Good Single

Fake News Classics

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Thursday, August 06, 2015 

Breaking the one-decent-single-per-album trend that has characterized his career thus far, country superstar Jason Aldean vowed on Thursday to never release a good song to radio again. 

"I'm sick and tired of these bloggers and old people and jealous haters deriving pleasure from any of my songs," Aldean told Country California. "If they're going to talk trash about all my other terrible - but focus group tested for maximum chart impact - singles, why should I give them a 'Flyover States' or anything else they might actually kinda enjoy?" 

Aldean, the singer of "Amarillo Sky," has seemingly grown more jaded and irritable in recent years, likely due to critical 'bro-country' backlash and social media commentary about his romantic affairs. 

"I don't owe anybody a damn thing, especially people who don't like the two to three predictably moronic party anthems I generally release to country radio in each album cycle - it's all or nothing, you jackasses," said a frowning Aldean after announcing the godawful "Gonna Know We Were Here" as his newest single. 

Many of Aldean's so-called haters expected the final single from Old Boots, New Dirt to be the ear-pleasing "Two Night Town," as it has been Aldean's pattern to balance two or three sh*ttacular songs per album with at least one single that suggests he actually would have the talent to not be such a commerce-driven cliché of an artist if he were so inclined. 

"Nobody will ever hear a 'The Truth' or a 'Night Train' from me again unless they dig into the deep album cuts," promised Aldean. "I'm not in the business of putting out intelligent or emotionally authentic songs that a Sturgill Simpson fan might find himself enjoying, despite misgivings." 

"Screw those guys." 

One-of-a-Kind New Country Singer Carves His Own Niche

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California Wednesday, January 14, 2015 

Already named to The Boot's prestigious "Ones to Watch 2015" list, Brant Smith is poised for a breakthrough year and he wants you to know he's doing it his way. Our correspondent sat down with Bryant to find out what makes him stand out among this year's crop of stubble-chinned warblers. 

"Most debut artists don't get as much control over their music as Prestige Nashville has given me, but they saw something edgy and different in me and just handed over the reins," said Scott, molding a stray tuft of gelled hair back into the towering blond coiffure atop his head. Chris went on to explain how his first album will be a true portrait of his life and his completely distinctive upbringing. 

"Man, I grew up on a dirt road where there wasn't much to do, so me and my friends just kicked it the best way we knew how," explained Dylan. "I know this sounds crazy, but sometimes we'd just grab a few cold ones and some pretty girls and find a field to chill in. That's the kind of out-there stuff I want to bring to my music!" 

Chad's wildly idiosyncratic influences range anywhere from "good ol' country like Kenny and Trace" to Godsmack to Calvin Harris to Waka Flocka Flame. "Nobody out there's going to admit listening to all the crazy stuff I do, much less incorporate it into their country music," laughed Mark, pushing up the sleeves of his form-fitting grey henley. 

Steven, quite surprisingly a former high school quarterback, went on to say that he'd taken the unheard of step of co-writing the entire album with some of Nashville's lesser-known songwriters like Ashley Gorley, Josh Kear, and Kyle Jacobs. Jon expects to release an EP in early spring as he heads out in support of fellow maverick Chase Rice, with a full album to follow in the fall. 

Based on his nonconformist attitude and unusual backstory, we expect Lee to forge his own path outside the box on Music Row and become a force to reckon with on country radio. Listen to The Bobby Bones Show this Friday as Randy debuts his new single "Girl Let's Have a Good Time Tonight." 

One Guy Just Pretending to Be in Zac Brown Band

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Wednesday, November 03, 2010 

The Zac Brown Band has added a new member to its already large roster, unbeknownst to Zac Brown. 

FNN has learned that "rhythm guitarist" Jesse Carlsworth of Pittsburgh has been touring with the hit country group of his own accord since their performance in his city in July. He is not listed on the ZBB website or the CD booklet for their newest release You Get What You Give, but has found his way onto a couple of concert t-shirts and promo shots. 

At the band's recent show in Charlotte, NC, Carlsworth appeared onstage, heavy with facial growth and clad in a plaid shirt and torn jeans. Nothing seemed askew, as he shared between-song banter with other members and pretended, adequately enough, to play rhythm guitar throughout the 18 song set. During the coda of the final song, Zac Brown recognized all the band members, but looked perplexed when he came to Jesse, saying "and there's uh, ol' Zeke on second rhythm guitar." 

A call to management has gone unreturned, but attendees from other recent concerts have reported similar stories. "I didn't think nothin' about it, he was singing harmony just fine, I think," said Jeanie Luke of Phoenix. "You mean he ain't really in the band? I got him to sign my left boobie in the parking lot after the show!" 

For its part, the band has welcomed Jesse with open arms, despite confusion regarding the status of his employment. "I just figured Zac signed him," said drummer Chris Fryar, "and I don't guess Zac has paid him much mind and I haven't had time to ask because Zac's always cooking before and after shows." 

The Zac Brown Band, Jesse Carlsworth in tow, hit Indiana, Missouri and Kansas through the weekend. 

The Crud Report: October 2018

Collin Raye's Comeback Album All Songs About Underwear

Originally posted on Country California, Friday, February 20, 2009 

Fresh off several years of high-profile commercial exposure with his cheeky Fruit of the Loom ads, former country hitmaker Collin Raye has revealed that his comeback album will consist entirely of songs about underwear. To hear Raye tell it, he had little choice in the matter. "You don't mess with success" he laughed, referring to the "popularity" of songs like "You Can't Overlove Your Underwear." 

"Oh that'll be on there for sure, but that's just for starters" said Raye, his cheeks blushing with excitement or embarrassment. "The first single will be called 'I Love You in Yours (Tight Silky Drawers),' and it's a real slow burner of a love song." The album will also include the mid-tempo anthems "Pouchful of Love" and "I Hope You Dance (In Your Underpants)," the ballad "I'd Love to Lace You Down" and the rocking "Teenage Waistband." 

Raye hopes country radio will give these songs a chance despite their gstring-narrow subject matter. "Almost everyone wears 'em, so it's a universal topic. And I truly think this is some of the best-written material I've laid hands on in years. The thong... err, song's the thing" Raye winked, a teardrop gleaming in his eye. 

Although he has struggled to chart in recent years, Raye said he'd bet his Jockeys that one of his new tunes will "crack" the Top 40. Then he broke down sobbing, bringing our brief interview to an abrupt end.

Carrie Underwood Fan Group Outed as Cult

Possible C.U.L.T. members attend a fan club event

Carrie Underwood Lovers Together, or "C.U.L.T.," has been outed as a likely cult. The fan group, which was founded in 2009 on a Carrie message board, purchased a large tract of land in rural Tennessee in 2012 and many members have since relocated there. Stories out of the 502 acre commune have been bizarre and troubling. 

However, CULT leader Adam Porter, who asked that we refer to him as The Messenger, assured us that CULT is definitely not a cult. "I grow weary of the unenlightened misconstruing our mission here in Carrieton." he said, "We only wish to bring like-minded followers of The One into close contact that we may show our appreciation for her in harmony with one another." Despite The Messenger's denials of the commune's cult status, evidence suggests otherwise. 

Multiple members of the group have been admitted to hospitals due to malnutrition and leg injuries. Dawn Sumpkins, a former member of CULT, reported strict but nutritionally suspect forced vegetarianism and mandatory leg exercises. "They wanted us only eating veggies like Carrie, but failed to provide any protein or the necessary variety of vitamins, so people were passing out every day." said Sumpkins, "And so we could have legs like Carrie, we had to do squats and leg extensions daily without rest days - I tore my ACL twice; it was ridiculous." 

Another ex-CULT member related that when they weren't doing calf raises or meditation, they were required to spend 9 hours per day defending Carrie online.  On condition of anonymity, the individual told us: "We were taught in daily scriptures that Carrie is without flaw, that her music is pure form of God as artwork, and that anyone who besmirched her was an infidel. We were to seek any criticism of her work on Twitter or other sites, and give our Holy Support to The One by raging politely against the infidels."

Authorities in the area, while concerned about the CULT complex, have yet to find any illegal activities taking place. Police have only been called to the collective's unofficial town once. Nearby campers thought they heard several women being tortured, but it turned out to be Carrie-oke (karaoke) night.

When reached for comment about C.U.L.T., Mrs. Underwood's management issued the following statement: "We are currently consulting legal counsel to direct us in gaining protections from and putting distance between Carrie and this passel of loonies."

Fake News Classics: One Truck Still Doesn't Have a Country Song Written About It

One of Brenda's more fortunate classmates

Originally posted on Country California, Wednesday, July 23, 2014

A single 1974 Dodge Club Cab pickup in Oak Vale, Mississippi, has somehow escaped the gaze and thoughtful tune-smithing of country music songwriters. The sky blue four-speed vehicle resting beneath the spreading boughs of a 61-year-old magnolia tree to the side of retired farmer Clyde Henderson's modest home has never once been the lyrical setting of a tailgate party, mudding adventure, or late night tryst. 

Henderson says he feels bad for "Brenda" (his affectionate name for the Dodge) because even though she has taken part in such activities as circling up for a party, carrying wood for a bonfire, rolling over in a ditch on a tight curve, cranking ol' Hank, and other country music tropes, not so much as a chorus has ever memorialized her in song. "I think it hurts her - yeah, I think she has feelings - to hear literally every other pickup truck in America get its own few minutes of fame on country radio," said a downcast Henderson. 

These days, Brenda spends much of her time taking Clyde to his morning breakfast club or hauling the occasional load of firewood, her hard-partying glory days only documented in the dings, scrapes, and squeaks on the old Club Cab. "Don't tell Lena [Clyde's wife of 42 years] I said this, but our first kid was made in that ol' truck one night down by Jeff Davis Lake, while fireflies danced and Ray Price sang on those crackling speakers," recalled Henderson. "Hell, that's a platinum Jason Aldean single just waiting to happen." 

Other marketable, high-country-cred events in Brenda's past that have inexplicably been overlooked by Nashville's finest include: hauling ass down River Road with a stolen case of High Life in the bed, getting stuck in a soybean field on purpose, playing host to a tailgate striptease by Lena (don't tell her we said that), flying a rebel flag, taking Clyde and a friend to a Bocephus concert, and more. 

At press time, 64 Music Row songwriters were wondering why their GPS couldn't locate Oak Vale.