Fake News Classic: Justin Moore Concert Cut “Short”

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, September 22, 2009 

At last month's Sturgis Bike Rally in Sturgis, SD, abridged-stature country singer Justin Moore was forced to leave the stage mid-concert due to the unruly crowd. Moore, who just celebrated his first #1 song with "Small Town USA," was unable to perform over the wave of raucous laughter which began halfway through his song "I Could Kick Your Ass," so he unceremoniously exited with several minutes left in his set. 

"I couldn't help it," snickered North Carolina motorcycle enthusiast Clyde 'Bonegrinder' McGee. "I mean, the song was okay, but really? Really? That joker couldn't be more than 4 foot 9. He couldn't kick my lady friend's ass." "I've taken dumps bigger than him," laughed Murder City Riders Motor Club president Remus Barksdale, "and I thought country music was supposed to be about authenticity." 

The show got off to a promising start in the first half, with the crowd even singing along by the end of "Back That Thang Up" and waving flags patriotically through "Good Ol' American Way." However, things went south by the second chorus of "I Could Kick Your Ass." 

"I wasn't sure I'd heard him right the first time, but when he sang it again... 'I could kick your ass, I could jack your jaw'... I 'bout wet myself," said Linda Morrow of Chicago from atop her gleaming Harley Fat Boy. "He's a cute little thang, but jeez, you're standing on a phone book to reach the mic, dude." 

Laughter began from near the tattoo stand and spread like wildfire, drowning out the band and the elfin singer in a matter of seconds. Moore valiantly attempted to finish the song, but ultimately could not hear himself well enough to continue. Despite the chaos and scattered reports of sides injured from too much laughter, no one was arrested at the concert. 

Moore declined comment, but his management says there are no plans to make up the date in the short term. 

The Crud Report: April '19

Mainstream Country Station Expands Playlist to 12 Songs

LAFAYETTE, LA —Local mainstream country radio station 102.9 WBRO (“The Bro”) announced Thursday a new programming direction wherein its radio hosts would be instructed to select from a list of twelve different songs, up from the usual eleven—which was already 3 songs higher than the industry average.

“After much research, we’ve decided to add Maren Morris’ ‘Girl’ to the rotation. We know we’ll get some push-back here, but we believe the numbers make sense and also there was a company directive that forces us to add one woman to the playlist,” associate program director Jess Staten said in a statement Thursday.

“Of course, we’ll still be playing the other eleven songs over and over and over again—we just really wanted to stand out from the pack by adding one more to the rotation,” he noted. “But the staples like Thomas and Kane and Morgan and uh Morgan and that song where the guy says something kind of pervy about a girl… those will all remain.”

According to Staten, the move was part of a broader initiative to challenge what was possible in the mainstream country radio arena, and to inject a new level of variety into the station’s already adventurous eleven-song playlist.

“I hope this gets all the SJW’s and feminists off our backs” he added.

—————

This story blatantly plagiarized and adapted from this Babylon Bee story.

Dirt Road Actually Pretty Boring

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, October 06, 2011 

Jason Aldean fans Shelley Young and Lyndi Berks recently traveled into rural Mississippi to experience the fun and charming world of Aldean's smash hit "Dirt Road Anthem." What they sampled instead was a level of sheer dullness they had not come to know in their entire previous 17 years on the planet. 

Clad in matching "My Kinda Party" tour shirts, boots and cut-off jeans, the pair borrowed Berks' dad's old Dodge Ram and headed for less-developed paths. 

"It was so boring I wanted to shoot myself in the face," exaggerated Madison Central High School senior Young. "That song made dirt roads sound like so much fun, but it's just like bugs and dirt and stuff! I mean, you can tell Jason totally knows what he's talking about when he wrote that song and maybe dirt roads are just more fun in Georgia, but I'd rather listen to a Merle Haggard song than get off the blacktop ever again!" 

The girls started off on an unnamed county road in neighboring Holmes County, by swerving "like George Jones" and smoking Kool cigarettes. "But dust was rolling IN the window... and the smoke was just making us cough," related Berks. "And I could only get 1G on my Galaxy S!" 

Next, they searched for a party in a pasture to attend, but found only cows, horses and a couple of discarded washing machines. "We stopped at a trailer to ask a guy if there was a party anywhere and he said the party was 'right here' and pointed to his pleather couch... I think he was on meth," said Shelley. 

The trip ended with a failed attempt at purchasing an Old Milwaukee tallboy to place "in the console." "That old woman said we looked like we were twelve. Dumb b*tch, like she was gonna make any other money that day. Does anybody even live that far away from a Hollister?" complained Berks. 

In summation, dirt roads "suck," "blow" and caused the girls to "SMH" and say "FML" multiple times. "But we still love Jason! He's so hot!" they cooed in perfect harmony. 

Willie Nelson to Record Duets Album With You

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, February 13, 2009 

Willie Nelson has announced that his next studio album will be a collection of duets with you. He plans to show up at your house around 6ish this evening to begin work on the project. Singing lessons will be unnecessary as Nelson believes you have an "earthy everyman/woman vibe" that will translate well to his 376th official release. 

The songs will include several traditional standards such as "Wayfaring Stranger," a couple tracks by top Nashville songwriters, and a few as-yet-nonexistent cowrites with you. When asked what the album might sound like, Nelson mentioned "an organic and freewheeling set of unpolished but exciting country songs." 

You will go on a short full-band tour with the country legend, including stop-offs in Austin and L.A., as well as an acoustic radio tour for release week. There will also be a taped GAC special called "Willie and (your nickname)." 

You will join a celebrated throng of artists who have shared recorded media with the well-loved Texan troubadour, including Merle Haggard, Snoop Dogg, Johnny Cash, Julio Iglesias, Ray Charles, Lucinda Williams, that guy from Matchbox 20, Sheryl Crow, Wynton Marsalis, Toby Keith, Ray Price, Waylon Jennings, George Jones, Dave Matthews, your aunt Ruthie, Ryan Adams, Neil Young, Emmylou Harris, his second bus driver, Mel Tillis, Lacy J. Dalton, Carlos Santana, Asleep at the Wheel, Leon Russell, Dyan Cannon, Elvis, Kenny Chesney, Lee Ann Womack, Kris Kristofferson, Pat Green, B.B. King, Patsy Cline, Kid Rock, Brian McKnight, Bonnie Raitt, ZZ Top, Eric Clapton, his supplier, Norah Jones, Paul Simon, Shania Twain, Wyclef Jean, Diana Krall, Lyle Lovett, Shelby Lynne, some drunk guy he met at a party, John Mellencamp, Steven Tyler and a few hundred others. 

After a quick final "session" on his bus, you will resume your normal life, while Willie will return to the studio to begin work on his follow-up album, a collaboration with T-Pain titled Willie n' Pain due out later this year.

Song About Country Pride to Be Released

Singer on vacation in the uh... country?

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, September 04, 2009 

Next Monday, country music fans will witness the historic release of a game-changing new single. The song, performed by an up-and-coming B-list male singer with a fondness for wearing white t-shirts, is rumored to employ the rarely used "listing" technique to promote the little-known personal preferences of non city-dwellers. 

A bevy of Nashville's most successful songwriters brought their staggering creative genius together to create this masterpiece during a recent writing session. 

"We just looked at each other and knew we had done something special," smiled a clearly satisfied Craig Wiseman, one of the song's cowriters. "You remember how Nirvana changed rock in the '90s? Well, this song is going to redirect the course of country music history... it's that innovative. I mean, hell, it's got collard greens in it!" 

"Did you know that country people sometimes have what's called a 'farmer's tan?'" laughed pioneering cowriter Bob DiPiero. "We're breaking new ground here!" 

Other novel revelations in the tune include the love of "good ol' boys" for "gals in cut off jeans," the shocking contrast of Saturday night's sinfulness to Sunday morning's repentance, the prevalence of southerners' charming loyalty to "mama" and their addictions to fried foods and low-cost alcoholic beverages. Further bullet-point lyrics introduce America, for the very first time, to "Skoal rings," "Hank Jr.," "gravel" and "hard work." 

The new direction and new concepts will surely take some time for country music fans to digest, but this writer expects the song to be huge, possibly even finally giving the rural population something to be prideful about. The ways of their quaint but culturally significant world, heretofore utterly unexplored, will soon be public knowledge to the unwitting listening public, and country music will never be the same again. 

As non-urban people apparently profess frequently: "Yeehaw!" 

Luke Bryan Says Zac Brown's "God Given" Worst Song Ever

Another day, another country artist coming out against the current direction of country music. The latest is superstar Luke Bryan, who not only had some unkind words about the state of country music, but specifically set Zac Brown’s song “God Given” in his crosshairs—a song from the Zac Brown Band's forthcoming album and a rumored single:

"I love Zac Brown and he’s had some great songs, but this new song is the worst song I’ve ever heard. I know Zac, he’s a friend. ‘God Given’ is one of the worst songs I’ve ever heard. I see it being commercially successful, in what is called country music these days, but I also feel like that the people deserve something better than that. Country fans and country listeners deserve to have something better than that, a song that really has something to say, something that makes you feel something. Good music makes you feel something. When songs make me wanna throw up, it makes me ashamed to even be in the same genre as those songs. My how the tables have turned."

Zac Brown and “God Given” came up in the context of Luke Bryan complaining about the current trends dominating country radio right now.

"If I hear one more snap beat or bass drop in a country song, I’m gonna throw up. There’s songs out there on the radio right now that make me be ashamed to be even in the same format as some other artists. And actually, I think Zac Brown probably wrote this one himself. Doesn't he have people around him to tell him no? I mean, ZBB is a multi-million dollar corporation and he's putting the livelihood of all 18 band members on the line by chasing trends and making a fool of himself."

The song, which the Zac Brown Band has been performing recently on their "The Owl" tour is almost entirely rapped and features the lyrics:

Gucci bags, stacks on stacks,

Diamonds fill up the champagne glass

Luke Bryan, who has also been criticized for being a part of the "bro country" trend has recently gone back toward relatively neo-traditional pop country. Asked his thoughts on the reason for Zac Brown's musical experimentation, Bryan told us: "It's been downhill since that hotel room; I'm just saying."

*parts of this fake news piece adapted from Saving Country Music's original ZBB/Luke Bryan story*

Some Guy You've Never Heard of Makes Opry Debut

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, March 01, 2012 

Some country singer you have never heard of, much less heard any music from, makes his Opry debut Friday night. 

Hailing from a fond-memory-inducing podunk on the Kentucky horizon, the random male country performer reportedly grew up listening to the Opry on the radio. He also visited the Opry several times, and idolized quite a few artists who graced that stage. He also wears a cowboy hat and customized leather belts. 

Whoever this guy is released his debut single in late December and has seen it rise steadily into the lower 30s on the charts. Tall, blue-eyed, and handsome, the unidentified singer is said to possess a vocal style reminiscent of that one guy with the tight jeans. 

Nondescript vocalist guy is currently in the studio with an in-demand hit producer and the engineer of several forgettably popular recent releases. The tepid - but commercially viable - debut album, with a cover photo of the dude standing in front of a weathered brick wall, is expected to be released in early summer. 

This person's Opry debut will be on a bill with Mel Tillis and Montgomery Gentry as well as a high school glee club and a token bluegrass band. 

At press time, a rumor was swirling that there may be a major announcement or invitation of some sort for this featureless, though quite fetching, country music singer when he takes the stage. 

The Crud Report: February 2019

Cowboy Troy Wins PBR Air Force Invitational

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Friday, May 22, 2009 

Big & Rich compadre, country rapper and former Nashville Star co-host Cowboy Troy added another bullet point to his impressive resume Sunday, winning the PBR's "Air Force Invitational" Built Ford Tough Series event in Worcester, Mass. 

Troy, last name Coleman on his birth certificate, topped two-time Professional Bull Riders World Champion Chris Shivers and Brazilian superstar Guilherme Marchi's averages by more than 3 points to take his first prize in the esteemed event. 

"Booyah!" exclaimed Troy as he gently dismounted from his final 90+ point ride, Little Yellow Jacket, all but certain of his victory. Although the genial rapper's bullriding prowess was a well-kept secret up until his participation in the event, the final posted results came as no surprise to anyone who bore witness to his complete dominance of PBR favorites Pinball Wizard, Sling Blade and Pandora's Box. When asked if he was surprised by his win, Coleman smiled: "A little, I reckon, but shucks man, I've been riding and roping since I was a little buckaroo." 

Although Troy is an anomaly for the PBR circuit at well over six feet tall, he is surprisingly agile atop the monstrous animals, ducking smoothly with the bulls' bucks and keeping a low center of gravity. "He beats all I've seen" said North Carolina's JB Mauney. "Damnation he's good; ain't he had enough success in the music world? I play chicken with the trayeeeyain." 

Troy took home a brand new black 2010 Ford F-250 along with a $326,000 purse for his efforts. "Yeeeehaw! Oh you didn't know?" he yelled to the crowd before making his victory circle (pictured). "I got the skills that instill thrills like hydraulics on a Cadillac convertabill... gitchoosome!!!!" 

Troy, who parted ways with Warner Bros. Nashville in 2008, will reportedly use some of his winnings to finance a new indie "hick hop" album tentatively titled Say It Loud, I'm Country and I'm Proud for late 2009 release.

The Crud Report: February '19

Johnny Cash Estate Approves Licensing of New Ass Cream

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, February 28, 2009 

John Carter Cash, the son of the late Johnny, said Thursday that the estate had agreed to allow the country legend's likeness and creative property to be used in the branding and marketing of a new ass cream from Blairex Laboratories, the makers of Boudreaux's Butt Paste. While that topical ointment is for use on the asses of infants and children, the new product will be marketed more for adults with ass discomfort and anal itching. 

"Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire Ass Cream" will begin production in June with expected shipment to Fred's Dollar Stores across America by the ass-itchingly hot month of August. "This is an exciting new application for the Johnny Cash name and we feel that it will reach an area that hasn't been reached before" smiled John Carter. 

The television advertising campaign will include actual footage of Johnny and June performing "Ring of Fire" in a humorous spot where Johnny leaves the stage suddenly to use the product because his ass hurts. Computer animation will manipulate Johnny's mouth to say "Woo-wee! That's good ass cream!" 

Some country music historians and Cash fans have criticized the move harshly, calling it gross commercialism and flagrant mismanagement of Cash's image and legacy. For his part, John Carter sees it as a strategic move to expand his late father's influence: "Not everybody's into country music, but everybody's ass gets itchy or painful, so this will allow people in all walks of life to experience the Man in Black."

News of "Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire Ass Cream" follows last month's release of an album of hip-hop remixes of Cash songs, which was also said by many to be an "ass" product. 

Women Not Making Good Enough Songs, Explains Dumbass

Jaxon Ward, local tool

Local moron Jaxon Ward thinks women are themselves to blame for country radio not playing them in great number in recent years. "Their songs are terrible," said the shitbird, 23, taking a puff from his gun-shaped vape mod. "They don't even use snap beats that much."

Ward, a huge fan of male-sung songs with "girl" in the title, explained that women just aren't making good enough songs for radio these days. "Look, I'm all about equal sex or whatever, but how can these chicks compete with songs about hooking up with chicks?" he laughed vacantly. "I mean there was that lesbian song from Little Big Town a couple years ago but that was perverted." 

Based on which country chart you follow, solo women artists comprise between 5-10% of the total artists at any given time lately. There has been much discussion and consternation about this topic over the past couple years with little agreement on how to fix the problem or for some, if that even is a problem. 

"I could care less. When they start putting out kickass songs then we'll talk," brayed the jackass, completely unaware of the existence of Ashley McBryde and Kacey Musgraves. "The ones I've heard are all shrieking about an ex or being shrill about wanting to be able to vote or something; it's really cringy. Why can't they put out cool shit like "Feels Like a Party" or "Bitches?"" 

At press time, the "single but always slinging pipe" Ward, was blasting Moonshine Bandits from his jacked up truck at a stoplight while staring down the top of the mom in the car beside him.

Local Man Arrested for Merchandise Tampering at Area Walmart

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Thursday, August 04, 2011 

Local country fan Reginald Spears was arrested over the weekend for merchandise tampering at the new Super Walmart out on the bypass. The details of his infractions are unique, to say the least. 

Third-shift electronics cashier Lena Johnston first noticed Spears rifling through the country CD section and filling a grocery cart with at least 100 discs before leaving the department. She thought he was just a rabid music fan until he returned 15 minutes later with the same cart and began slipping CDs back onto the shelves while looking around suspiciously. 

Johnston walked over to Spears and asked if he'd decided not to make the massive music purchase. Spears responded "Yeah, yeah uh, yes ma'am" and began sweating profusely. He became spooked shortly afterwards and haphazardly threw the remainder of his CDs on the shelf before walking away. Johnston investigated the country section and noticed that it was full of unwrapped, well-worn CDs that Spears had apparently brought from his home. Spears was apprehended by security, mostly without incident, before leaving the store. 

"I looked on the shelf and where Rascal Flatts was supposed to be, that scruffy looking man had put Flatt & Smugs or something like that... and where Taylor Swift had been, he'd replaced it with Tanya Tucker. I guess he'd stole all them new CDs and tried to replace 'em with his old junk," said a perplexed Johnston. 

Fresh out on bail, Mr. Spears had a far different story. "I didn't shoplift nothin'. I told the cops they could find all that country pop bullsh*t in the Rubbermaid garbage cans in home wares... where that crap belongs," said Spears. "I was just trying to give the people around here some damn culture, so I brought my whole collection up here to give away for free. Of course, I've got it all ripped on my laptop. My alphabetizing skills might be lacking, but I ain't stupid." 

"Can you believe they didn't have a Jerry Reed CD in the whole god***n store?" he continued. "Well, for 15 shining minutes last Friday night, they did." 

The shoplifting charges against Spears were dropped but he still faces misdemeanor charges of mischief and merchandise tampering. For his part, Reginald is considering legal action against the store. 

Spears explained: "They threw all my CDs in the dumpster and broke 'em, them motherf***ers! I'm suing their asses for destruction of property and mental anguish. I was just trying to help this town out... I'm a by-God patriot!" 

Walmart officials had no comment on the situation. 

The Crud Report: January 2019

Carrie Underwood Bites Head Off Live Broccoli On Stage

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Thursday, January 15, 2009 

Former American Idol winner and country superstar Carrie Underwood upset plant rights activists Wednesday night with a shocking act at her Memphis concert. During her encore, in the midst of the blazing "Sweet Child o' Mine" guitar solo, Underwood, wearing over-the-knee leather boots and a tight black dress, walked to the middle of the stage with a Ziploc enclosure of fresh veggies in her hand. 

The crowd gasped as Underwood reached into the baggie and selected a crisp piece of broccoli, still dripping with morning dew. As the solo reached its zenith, Underwood neatly snipped the head off the helpless garden dweller with a quick click of her pearly whites, smiling coldly all the while. As juices and bits of green flesh dripped down her chin, Underwood casually ripped off the "where do we go now?" refrain with terrifying ease over audible gasps from concert goers. Portions of the FedEx Forum audience seemed appalled at the carnage, while others cheered her on. 

Underwood finished her set with an attitude-filled take on her massive hit "Before He Cheats" before swiftly leaving the stage, her visible discomposure reflecting a dawning awareness of the wicked deed she had just committed. PEVA (People for Ethical Vegetable Accommodation) spokeswoman Greta Peels said her organization was pushing Memphis-area law enforcement for a full investigation into the matter. 

Neal McCoy's "Merry Christmas (I'll Put My Knee Up Your Ass if You Say Happy Holidays)" Selling Poorly

90s country superstar Neal McCoy released the seasonal song "Merry Christmas (I'll Put My Knee Up Your Ass if You Say Happy Holidays)" in November and has yet to see any country radio airplay. The jovial anthem, which bemoans the war on Christmas, is also seeing poor sales and negligible streaming numbers. 

McCoy told us that while he is disappointed in the stats so far, he feels like the song will be one of those that becomes a standard for years to come. "Like my buddy Aaron Tippin says, you've got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything, and that's what this song does." smiled the still boyishly handsome McCoy, who earlier this year took a stand against football players taking a knee with the similarly un-listened-to "Take a Knee My Ass." 

Neal's current song features the chorus:

"It's Merry Christmas

and I'm here to say

I'll put my knee up your ass

if you say Happy Holidays

Praise Jesus!

If you don't, you can leave this country and stay"

Country program directors tell us that the song has tested poorly. One anonymous PD told us "Despite the message resonating with many of our listeners, the word 'ass' just doesn't go over well with our audience, unless you're talking about a woman's sexy, daisy-duke-clad, tan-lined backside, that is. Also, Neal is old."

At press time, McCoy was in the studio recording his next topical country song, "My Ass Will Build the Wall Myself."

"The Christmas Shoes" Sends Local Man Over the Edge

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Thursday, December 15, 2011 

Local country music fan Reginald Spears was arrested Tuesday for trespassing and destruction of property at WTSM Catfish 104.9 FM. Oddly enough, it was popular holiday song "The Christmas Shoes" that set him off. 

Spears had apparently called the station several times in recent weeks profanely complaining about the seasonal hit being played so frequently. "I appreciate feedback from our listeners," said station manager Bart McGee, "but a lot of people like to hear that song this time of year. It's a sweet, and in no way contrived or overwrought, story." 

Currently still in the Hazzard County Jail, Spears is facing potential stiff fines and further charges pending an FCC investigation of the incident that knocked WTSM off the air for approximately 28 hours Monday and Tuesday. 

Around noon on Monday, Spears allegedly climbed the fence behind the radio station and used industrial-grade bolt cutters to cut all wires and cables connecting the transmitter tower to the station. Miraculously unhurt despite the barbed wire and high voltage, Spears was only caught after posting a photo of himself urinating on the tower on Facebook. 

"I told that little weasely sumbitch DJ that if he played that 'Christmas Shoes' crap again, he was going to regret it," said the local man by phone interview yesterday. 

Describing the circumstances that caused him to snap, Spears continued: "My internet had been down since I hit the phone line digging a pool in the front yard two weeks ago, so I was forcing myself to listen to regular radio. I usually just turned it down when they played Rascal Fatts or Fartly Gilbert, but it seemed like every other song was that damn weepy-ass feel-good piece of crap. Man, I love Jesus and everything, but f*** me runnin', I want to commit Harry Caray [editorial note: we're sure this is how he would have spelled it] when I hear about mama meeting Him tonight." 

Over at WTSM, McGee tells us the Clear Channel affiliated radio station may sue Spears to recoup repair charges and loss of advertising revenue: "I can't understand how a lovely religious holiday song could make a man cause such damage - some folks just aren't wired right, I guess." 

NewSong had no comment at press time. 

The Crud Report December: Old Dominion, Christmas, Kid Rock, etc.

Americana Band's Van and Gear Not Stolen

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Tuesday, June 17, 2014 

A popular roots rock band is not starting a Kickstarter page to defray the costs of a white 1998 Ford E-350 van and Pro-Line trailer with the band's logo on the side and $1700 in musical gear, which were quite shockingly not stolen after a recent Houston area gig. 

The Whiskey Hawks, of High Point, North Carolina, had just finished up their supporting set for Jason Boland at Dosey Doe in The Woodlands and ducked out a bit early. "We'd seen Jason and the guys a few times before and hung out some, and we were hungry, so we left around 9:30 for Waffle House," said drummer Gus Pounds. "And that's when it happened." 

Members of the four-piece Americana/punk/folk outfit were shocked by what they discovered. "I thought maybe the scattered-and-covered I'd had was messing with my head," explained lead singer Aaron Lavox, "but our van and trailer were still right there where we parked them." 

Police were not called to the scene of the un-stolen touring vehicle and 'drunken hawk' emblazoned instrument carrier, and aside from a small hole in a denim vest caused by an unextinguished American Spirit cigarette, no damage was reported. 

"I'm happy, you know, but I'm just thinking the whole time... is our stuff not good enough for you?" bassist James Squier wondered as he groomed his immaculate beard. "Even the cajon was still there ...what, nobody wanted that for an end table?" 

At press time, the Whiskey Hawks were contemplating a PledgeMusic campaign to fund an upcoming six-song covers EP of obscure Bellamy Brothers songs.