Hick-Hop Cruise Returns to Port Amidst Reports of Chaos and Crime

The Kinfoke Krewz, a Gulf of Mexico excursion featuring country rapper Big Smo, Twang & Round, Lenny Cooper and others, has returned to port in New Orleans amid chaos and reports of crime and illness. 243 of the estimated 703 passengers were arrested once the ship returned shore, on charges ranging from minor assault and underage drinking to kidnapping and drug manufacturing. 

The Carnival cruise ship was scheduled to have a stopover in an unspecified Mexican port on Thursday, but the company and Coast Guard officials said the trip had been cut short due to “a multitude of infractions great and small, and a general prevalence of unsanitary conditions and unhealthfulness.” 

Before the trip even got underway, several ocean-goers were stopped at the boarding gates attempting to drive their ATVs onto the ramp. The vehicles were stowed in cruise line storage and the passengers were finally allowed aboard.

“They said on the message board that we were gone have a mud bog on the party deck, so I brung my Polaris, but they wouldn’t let me on with the damn thing.” said Timmy “Swaydawg” Thomas of Cary, NC. “They best not be a scratch on it when I get back or somebody a** gettin’ stomped.”

Country rapper/reality star Big Smo

Once at sea, situations took an immediately dire turn. All 7 of the women on board (3 of those being hired bikini models) reported harassment incidents to ship security staff within the first 5 hours. Officers were unable to detain any suspects due to nearly every male aboard fitting the description of “moderate height, overweight white guy with sparse facial hair and a Confederate flag tattoo.”

There were multiple fights, 57 reports of alcohol poisoning, 78 thefts, and one abduction. One man fell from a viewing deck into a stairwell trying to catch a vape pen. Fortunately, his girthy stature prevented serious injuries. A convention room had to be turned into a makeshift brig due to overcrowding in the existing facility.

The itinerary, already on shaky ground, was finally brought to an end by several outbreaks of Norovirus, lice, and an unnamed pustulating neck rash. “The hygiene of this group was questionable, to be polite.” said ship captain Paul Childers, “Do they have showers in the Carolinas and Georgia?”

At press time, the passengers of the canceled Kinfoke Krewz were all waiting in line to get in Pat O’Brien’s.

*fake news*

This Guy Rants About Cody Jinks Playing the Opry

LMOA! Who! When I heard last year that my boy Dustin Lynch was joining the Grand Old Opera I was happy as hell! For all he’s done for country music, it was about damn time! He makes music that makes chicks want to ride in my truck with me and that means he a legend! 

Now comes word that somebody name Cody Jinks is playing at the opery tonight. Cody Jinks, who’s she? LOL. Now I’m not a hater but shouldn’t people that plays the hollow hall of country music be somebody me and my bros have listen to? I mean, back in the olden days, they let people play who only did sad songs played with old timey instruments like guitars and fiddles, but in more recent years, they’s let my homie Hootie join and Dustin and folks like that. Party ass music, you know what I’m sayin?

I asked all are friend’s group if they’d heard of Cody Jinks and here was the results: Chad said “Who tf is that?” (Yes he really said “tf” out loud). Brad said “Is that the guy who used to date Brelynn?” Matt said “No.” Dylan said “I don’t listen to anybody who doesn’t have DJ in front of there name.” Only Carter said he’s heard of Cody, but Carter runs a blog or something and he’s pretty weird. 

There’s a thousand country singers who deserve to be on the Opary before Cody Junks. Like Mitchell Tenpenny. That dude slaps. Diplo! F**k yeah, he’s done two or three country songs everybody I know loves. Marshmello. He did that song with Kane Brown and he’s legit. I could go on for pair of graphs, but you get the point. 

I listened to a Cody Jinks song and I couldn’t even get threw thirty seconds before I wanted to attach a garden hose to my F-150 exhaust in the garage. Why dose anyone want to hear such sad songs and songs about grown ass adult stuff? That’s so boring. Give me real country dudes singing about stuff I knows about like hooking up in bars and hooking up in bars. 

Anyway, I’m probably never going to the Grand Old Oprery anyway because theirs some guy who plays there all the time named Ricky Skanks, and I’d just laugh the hole time.

Local Man Arrested for Destruction of Pop-Country Playing Jukebox

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, May 18, 2011 

Local bowler and country music fan Reginald Spears, 46, has been arrested for destruction of property at an area bowling alley. Last Saturday at 9:15 PM, Spears was taken into custody for destroying the facility's jukebox with his 17 pound black-speckled Brunswick ball. 

Released on bail, Mr. Spears sat down and spoke with FNN correspondent Trailer about the events that had transpired on the previous Saturday. 

"Well, it goes like this," started Spears. "I was about to bowl my first 300 game; I was down to my final muthaf***ing frame and you know what come on the jukebox? F***ing Glory-anner. I'd dealt with Jason Aldean, Tim McGraw and Taylor Swift through 10 freaking perfect rolls, but that 'Wild at Heart' song just jerked me out of my zone… I went right in the gutter, g**dammit!" 

"My name is not on a little wooden plaque at the Southpaw Lanes because of a damn show choir!!" raged Reginald. "My blood started boilin' in the sixth set when somebody played that dirty sumb*tch Kid Rock, but I let it slide with the help of some cold, sweet High Life…" 

Missing out on the first perfect game cranked Reginald into an unbridled fury. Witness reports have him cursing at a high volume before retrieving his ball from the return. He walked semi-calmly to where the change machine and jukebox rest against the south wall before going into his locally revered wind-up. 

"He bowled a strike on that one!" laughed Percy Garvin, local 205 average bowler. "I gave him a high five. I hate country music! Why can't anybody around here ever order up some Clarence Carter?" 

Spears' shot hit squarely in the middle of the "new fangled" digital jukebox, smashing two speakers and the hard drive, ending the evening's musical accompaniment. Insurance adjusters called it a total loss, valuing the jukebox at $1250.35. 

"I smiled in the mug shot… Hell, I'm proud of what I did," said a defiant Mr. Spears. "I struck a blow against mainstream country and against that dumb*ss drunk sorority girl who paid half a dollar to hear crap." 

Reginald Spears has been banned from Southpaw Lanes and removed from the local league, prompting this response from the accused: "I don't give a fried f**k; I'm going into golf now. That's the only other sport you can drink while you play." 

Zac Brown’s Diss Track Lyrics Leaked

The Zac Brown Band’s upcoming album The Owl already promises to be controversial among fans and detractors alike. With Brown announcing the participation of several pop producers, and YouTubers posting live performances of new hip-hop flavored songs from the band, the record is sure to raise some country purists’ hackles.

Now comes word of a ‘hidden’ track on the album that takes aims at those very naysayers. Brown already infamously told off the haters on June’s CMT Awards with a profane outburst, but we’re told this song takes things much further. In what’s known in rap circles as a “diss track,” Zac calls out critics, country bloggers, and former fans over their “closed-minded ways.” 

While it’s uncertain if the song, entitled “Hyde Goes Off,” (named for literary villain Edward Hyde, and ZBB’s own Jeckyll and Hyde album) will see the light of day on the official release, sources have assured us that the song is very much real. “He’s sick of people expecting him to adhere to a certain standard of quality in his music, so he’s lashing out.” said one party. “Zac has been, um, experimenting in life, and that has carried over to his songs, and he wants to be able to fart around in the DJ booth or drop bars as he pleases without bloggers making fun of him.” said another.

We haven’t heard “Hyde Goes Off,” but were given a verse of the song, which is said to be very ‘gangsta rap’ with gun shot sound effects and chains rattling in the background. An excerpt of the verse follows.

Ya callin’ me a hypocrite

But bitches, I’m a hustla

Hittin’ corners in my Chiron whip

You just a bunch of bustaz

I just wanna sling my trap

Blaze the weed and stack my dough

Don’t make me have to bust a cap

In y’all “that ain’t country” hoes

At press time, Zac Brown was stumbling around a haberdashery, dressed like a 1930s motorcycle sidecar passenger, mumbling incoherently about whipping someone named “Trailer’s” ass.

The Crud Report: August 2019

Jason Aldean Is Finally Happy, Really He Is

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, September 25, 2014 

Jason Aldean is finally living a fulfilled and joyous life and will assault you viciously if you don't like it, according to a recent interview with the popular Face the Country blog. Though most of the questions asked were softballs, Aldean managed to insert his aggressively petulant views on life, music, and privacy into most every response. 

Find an excerpted portion of the full Q&A below. 

Face the Country: Jason, your new single "Burnin' It Down" is just hot! Like, how'd you decide to go this direction? 

Aldean: Well, some people out there think they get to be the deciders on what is and isn't country. We just wanted to go in there and make something the hotties would love and the haters would hate. Not that I care what the haters think. I mean, I want them to hate it but I want them to shut up!!! It's a pair of docks [sic], you know. 

FTC: LOL. (yes, spoken audibly) You go, boy! We hate to bring this up, but there has been a tiny little eensy minuscule bit of criticism about your persona... 

Aldean: Next question. No, let me tell you something. That was so long ago. Like years. I don't even remember who I was married to back then. I don't even want to talk about this. Me and Brittany are very happy together, very damn happy. Move on. We don't want to be in the public eye with this crap, so I'm not going to go into it. I mean, have you ever drove over the speed limit? Yeah, so who are you to sit and judge? I mean, let's not talk about this stuff. It took years for me to get this happy, so I'm not going to let you take that from me! 

FTC: (crying) It must be an exciting time for you with your new album coming ou... 

Aldean: Listen, if you say the words "bro country," I will literally give you an atomic wedgie and take a picture of it and put it on my Instagram. I sing about what I know about. If you sang, you'd do songs about, uh, bloggifying or whatever. I'm a famous millionaire who is either on tour or home counting money at all times, so of course I sing about hanging out in the country. Next damn question. 

FTC: I love rap music and I love country music and I love rap music inserted into country music and I love your music. That said, what do you have to say to critics of hick-ho... 

Aldean: This is bullsh*t! You shut up right now. The next person out there, nerds behind a keyboard or whoever, who says anything remotely non-positive about me, my music, my life, or my friends... I will drive my tour bus directly to your house, dorm, or apartment and beat you down with my wallet chain. I'm freaking happy people!!! My life could not be bringing me any more satisfaction than it is at this very damn moment! Leave me the hell alone!

Lil Nas X Cast as Dusty in Pure Country Reboot

In his first ever acting role, rapper Lil Nas X is slated to take up the reins country legend George Strait once held in the early 90s cult favorite Pure Country. X, real name Montero Lamar Hill, will play Dusty Chandler, a disillusioned country superstar who walks away from the lights and fame to reclaim his soul, and finds love along the way. Dexter Fletcher (Rocketman) will direct the picture for Warner Brothers and a release is expected in the fall of 2020.

Though some Strait songs will be sampled or updated for the film, most of the music will be co-written and performed by Lil Nas X himself. The viral smash “Old Town Road” will of course be featured, but expect some twists. “We’ve got a ‘Heartland’ remix coming and it gives you the best of both worlds, tying the (2020) version of Pure Country to the original. It’s going to be fire and lit and whatnot.” said the rapper. 

A love interest for Dusty has not yet been cast, leaving unanswered a major question that will surely be heavily debated on social media in coming weeks. Lil Nas X recently came out as gay, but it is uncertain at this point how the subject of romance will be handled in the film. 

Tyler James Williams (Everybody Hates Chris) will take on the role of Buddy Jackson, a brash young artist who attempts to swindle his way to stardom in Dusty’s absence. Reba McEntire will play Lula Rogers, Chandler’s desperate manager. 

At press time, literally every person, brand, and bot discussing the reboot of Pure Country online was outraged for various, conflicting, and frequently incoherent reasons.

Advisory Issued for Tonight's Florida-Georgia Line Concert

Martina McBride Covers Danzig

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, March 12, 2009 

Martina McBride's new album Shine comes out March 24 and, for the most part, it sticks to the tried-and-true formula that has made the diminutive belter one of country music's most consistent female hitmakers. There are big ballads, sunny anthems and inspirational pieces all aimed at maintaining McBride's well-respected position in Nashville. 

That's no surprise, but what is a surprise is her odd choice of cover song to include as an iTunes bonus track for the deluxe edition of the album. McBride will offer her version of rock band Danzig's "Dirty Black Summer," a grinding, soulful song that some have interpreted to be about crossing over into the path of evil. While much of the song gives McBride ample opportunity to soar vocally, one has to wonder what place this song has on a commercial country album, bonus track or not. 

McBride's management would not comment on the song, but one of her friends told us: "Martina is experimenting a little; you can only sing so many Lifetime-friendly songs about kids dressed as bags of leaves before you feel the need to branch out." 

No other explanation has been provided on the initial press releases about Shine, but "Dirty Black Summer" is listed prominently on much of the promo material. In possibly related gossip, Martina has recently been seen about Nashville wearing Doc Marten boots and dark clothing. 

John Rich's House Even Cooler Than You Thought

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, April 07, 2010 

When it comes to country superstar John Rich, even the home he lives in is controversial. Called an eyesore and a blight by "jealous neighbors," Mt. Richmore is even cooler than you might have imagined, says an anonymous source who has visited the well-equipped abode several times. 

This insider, who asked us to refer to him as Bart Mozart, says all the bright lights pointing away from Rich's home are for good reason. "It's so nosy-ass locals can't see all the cool sh** in there. Dude, they'd sh** a brick if they knew!" said Bart. 

We've all heard about the fully-stocked bar in the elevator, but that's just the tip of the awesomeness iceberg, according to Mr. Mozart. There are also mini-bars in each of the five bathrooms, another fully-stocked bar in the master bedroom and a wine locker the size of a football field directly underneath the house. In addition to those liquid amenities, Mt. Richmore's main bar (staffed by two bartenders and six buxom waitresses) also has a bar in its bathroom, and the pool table opens to reveal a beer vault. 

"John's even working on figuring out how to put a bar inside the bar; man, how f***ing cool is that? We figured out that you are never more 4 1/2 feet from a dose of refreshment," laughed Bart. "And we party like it's 1989... uh, I mean 1999, or whenever.." 

Behind the family room on the second story, Rich has built a full recording studio with enough room for an entire band with backing horns to rehearse or record crappy music at the same time. There is also a bar both in this studio and in the control booth, with Rich's own "Richmore Ale" on draft directly from the soundboard. 

One would think that so much potential drinking might lead to some accidents, but Bart says JR has planned for this. "Every room has a vacuum system built into the floor to suck up anything you spill, and the walls are made of a super strong polymer that's kinda soft to fall against but tough enough to withstand a brawl or a thrown vase, not that those things ever happen," informed Mozart. 

"Bart" went on to describe the pad's home theater (w/ bar), garage (x2), kitchen (yep) and dining room (sure), all designed with the most forward-thinking style, technology and accommodations for drinkers available on the market today. He also said to catch him on the latest season of Celebrity Fit Camp on VH1 - then he tried to retract that statement. 

In summary, Mt. Richmore is truly a marvel of western innovation. 

The Crud Report: July 2019

Lee Greenwood Quivering With Anticipation

Patriot and country singer Lee Greenwood is literally shaking with excitement. “42 hours, 5 minutes, 16 seconds… 42 hours, 5 minutes, 15 seconds… “ he chants, staring down at the Apple Watch on his wrist and rocking back and forth on his heels in front of a signed portrait of General Norman Schwarzkopf in his Franklin home’s expansive foyer. His eyes are wild and shifty. His breathing is rushed and his hands are shaking. A single bead of sweat, or possibly a tear hangs halfway down his left cheek. 

“He’s been like this since 12 a.m. yesterday morning,” said Lee’s exasperated wife. “He packed all day Sunday; every piece of American flag clothing he owns is in a trailer behind his Suburban out there. Since then, he’s just been here by the front door waiting on ‘go.’ 

Lee’s countdown will end when the calendar hits July 4th, a sacred holiday in the Greenwood household. Since 1984, his song “God Bless the USA” has become as much a part of America’s Independence Day as fireworks, barbecue, and watermelon, keeping Greenwood in the public eye long past his radio hit-making days. With 27 scheduled appearances this week, ranging from minor league baseball games to fireworks spectaculars, the man could not be more in the zone.

His wife is concerned about his health. “We may have to put in an IV to get him hydrated,” she said. “We’ve also tried to give him a Xanax to calm him down, but he slapped the bottle across the room; we then shot him with a tranquilizer dart, which had no effect.” “Oh dear!” she suddenly exclaimed, noticing some sort of outward sign of Lee’s eagerness and blocking our view of his lower abdominal area.

At press time, there was no verification to the rumor that Lee arose from a box of mothballs like some Old Glory loving vampire Monday morning. 

Brad Paisley's New Album All Songs About Songs

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, March 22, 2011 

FNN has learned that Brad Paisley's upcoming album release, This Is Country Music, features 12 new songs, all of them about songs. 

His first single, "This Is Country Music," deftly describes the reasons country music is in the state it is today resonates so deeply with its audience, while "Old Alabama" reminisces about good times had while listening to Alabama songs. 

The third single is tentatively scheduled to be "Jesus Take The Wheel," which is about Carrie Underwood's song of the same title. In it, Paisley relates how much that song meant to him personally and how his wife heard the song when she was nearly in a car accident on the way to an audition for a new Martin Lawrence sitcom. 

Other tracks on the release include "Play Me Hank Jr., Junior," "Tucker'd Out" and "Kid Rock's 'All Summer Long.'" The latter features Kid Rock on a verse, giving his appreciation to Brad for the shout-out and for solidifying "All Summer Long" as a yearly recurrent from May through August. 

The centerpiece of This Is Country Music is undoubtedly "The Song You're Listening To." It recounts, moment by moment, how you--the listener--are feeling as you hear the verses and chorus of that very song itself. In an era of immediate feedback, this is as meta as it gets. 

It's clear that Brad Paisley has his dexterous finger on the pulse of country and popular culture, and This Is Country Music will set the bar for observational skill and synopsis. 

At press time, Brad was hard at work looking back nostalgically on the days when he had new ideas for songs. 

Americana Artist’s Political Song Not Connecting With Audiences

Rising Americana singer Benjamyn Lackey has built quite a following in his short 3 years on the scene. He’s traversed the US to adoring crowds, opening for the likes of Sturgill Simpson and Cody Jinks. His debut album showed up on the top 10 of several year end lists in 2016. He’s even been acclaimed by stars like Vince Vaughn and (AEW wrestler) Cody Rhodes on social media, but Lackey’s teaser single for his forthcoming sophomore album Hens in the Roadpath is meeting with a deafening silence.

The tune, a stripped-down acoustic and drum folk tune entitled “If You’re Republican, Don’t Be My Fan,” has only been streamed 1024 times on Spotify in its 2 months of release. The song’s reception in concert has been similarly subdued. 

“I know it’ll take time to catch on, but people at shows just kind of look back and forth at each other during the song.” Said Lackey. “Maybe they’re commiserating with one another non-verbally over the craziness of the world these days. I’m sure they all agree with me that Republicans are literally as bad as Pol Pot.”

“If You’re Republican..” Is Benjamyn’s first foray into protest music, and critics have been sharply divided. Rolling Stone Country called it “a brave line in the sand and a masterpiece of modern political music, if a questionable commercial approach.” Helping Country Music devoted 15 paragraphs to describing the song as overwrought. Farce the Music made a couple of non-commital but clever memes about it.

We asked fans about the song after a recent show, and they were a bit more forthcoming deep in the beers. “All his other songs are poetic and well-written; that one sounds like a first year political science major frat boy wrote it after a conservative chick turned him down.” said Jennifer Pulaski, a confirmed liberal. “F**k him!” yelled Phil Baker, a Republican. “His other songs kick ass so I’ll come to his damn shows if I want to; what’s he gonna do? Stand at the door with a voter roll?” The crowd, split about 50/50 across the political divide, was firmly in agreement on the ham-fistedness of the song and said that they looked back and forth at one another during its performance as a communal “wtf is this sh*t?” 

At press time, Lackey’s label was considering replacing “If You’re Republican, Don’t Be My Fan” on the unreleased album’s track-listing with a more fan friendly “Whiskey Dick.”

A sampling of the lyrics of “IYRDBMF” follows. 

The world’s so crazy these days

Everybody’s screaming, throwing hands

But only the left is right

So I’m saying with all my might

If you’re Republican, don’t be my fan

Texas Band Proclaims Love of Their Home State in Song

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, July 21, 2011 

A new band out of New Braunfels, Texas, is proud of their home state and they are not ashamed to let the world know. The DeWayne Tillis Band's debut digital single "Texas in My Veins" is an anthem to the Lone Star State that lets us all in on what's going down in the little-known, rarely mentioned home of such things as "Shiner," "Ray Wylie" and "bluebonnets." 

The song, a catchy assimilation of country and rock that sounds vaguely like Steve Earle fronting Lynyrd Skynyrd, is a mash note to Texas, while also reminding us not to "mess" with said state. Lead singer DeWayne Tillis co-wrote the song with bassist Colton McBride after seeing either a Jamie Crowe Band or Kasey Rogers Band concert one night (they couldn't remember which). 

"Man, they were so good and had us fist-pumping and 'whoo-ing' all night and just loving life in this humble little state," related Tillis. McBride chimed in: "And we just thought... man, there ought to be at least one song out there to let people know just how completely, unassumingly awesome it is here." 

The band's love of Texas isn't limited only to song. Drummer Charlie Peacock revealed some early sketches of the band logo, a charmingly subtle combination of the band's name in a grunge typeface with the state's outline and a guitar which seems to be sprouting eagle wings. "We thought our brand, our logo, ought to be as unique as this reverential land we call home" said Peacock. "Damn, that's gonna look good hanging on cheap banners down at the Icehouse!" 

According to DeWayne Tillis, the group's debut album won't focus specifically on Texas: "We got love songs, songs about being a band on the road, uh... did I say love songs already?" The collection of tunes, tentatively titled Aw Shucks, We're From Texas, is due for release in October, or sooner if the single touches a nerve with radio audiences yearning for confirmation of the state they all hold so bashfully dear. 

The Crud Report: June 2019

Tyler Farr Hosts Fan Appreciation Day

Tyler Farr hosted fan appreciation day Monday in Nashville. The special event included an intimate concert, a hot chicken lunch, and an autograph and photo session. According to the fan, it was a day she’ll never forget. 

“It was so much fun!” smiled Loribeth Sykes of Pigeon Forge. “I didn’t realize I’d won a one on one fan appreciation party; he was so sweet, even though he seemed a little sad at times.” Sykes was unaware that the event was free and open to all Farr fans, of which she was apparently the totality. 

“I’ve been out of the spotlight for a year or two now, so I thought it was important to show appreciation to my fan. Without the fan, I would have been singing to an empty room and eating by myself today.” said a low-key Farr, packing up a box of 8x10’s.

After a 6 minute acoustic concert of all Farr’s biggest hits, he and Sykes hit Hattie B’s for a lunch of famous Nashville hot chicken. “I thought it was a little weird that I had to pay for lunch, but it was just twenty bucks and he said he’d pay me back, so no big deal.” said Sykes. 

The two made their way back to the Econolodge conference room B for a quick selfie and photo signing and the Tyler Farr Fan Appreciation Day came to an end. 

“I thought my mom would at least be here.” said Farr, stacking folding chairs onto a rolling cart. 

Brantley Gilbert Fan to Graduate High School

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, February 21, 2012 

Brantley Gilbert fan Nat Barksdale of Covington, Georgia, recently announced that he will graduate high school this spring, making him the first Gilbert fan to do so without the aid of post-dropout GED courses. 

"My counselor says it looks like I'm going to scrape by in driver's ed and welding class and finally graduate!" said an elated Nathaniel, who will gain his 22nd credit, making him graduation-ready after six years of studious classwork. "It's been a struggle," he admitted, "but thanks to a couple of tutors and Brantley Gilbert's inspirational music, I'm going to throw that mortal board (sic) in the air this May!" 

"It was dicey there for a while," said Barksdale's frazzled guidance counselor Renny Smith, "but we finally got him off crystal meth and got him to buckle down and it looks like he'll be out of my hair for good!" She continued: "He's a pretty good boy, but that arson conviction in 10th grade really set him back; I'm thankful he put his nose to the grindstone and is finishing on a high note." 

After an uncomfortably long parking lot kiss from his 8th grade girlfriend, Jeanette Cosby, Nat told us: "You don't know how happy I was to hear the word 'graduation.' Me and Jeanny can finally get married this summer!" Cosby, in her second trimester of pregnancy, smiled and added: "Nat's gonna start at the A/C coil factory in June and mama's already got us a spot picked out for the trailer." 

Strains of Brantley Gilbert's "You Don't Know Her Like I Do" echoed through the low-riders and Bondocolored economy cars as the couple danced a victory waltz. Barksdale's 'homeboys' stood back against a cattle-guard gate smoking and gently applauding the success of their Affliction-tshirt-clad idol. 

"We're hitting up the Eric Church/Brantley Gilbert show in Orange Beach next month to celebrate!" exclaimed Barksdale, tipping back a Steel Reserve tallboy. 

"Well, I've got to get back to Algebra 1 before I get counted tardy," said the 20-year-old as he bid us adieu through the haze of Camel smoke. 

At press time, Nat was expected to be granted a lifetime membership to the Brantley Gilbert Nation fan club for his unprecedented academic accomplishments. 

Your Mama to Release Country Single

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California August 03, 2010 

Your mama has announced the release of her first country single. The maternal head of your family has signed with Stroudavarious Records and lead single "Gaining Ground" will precede an album of the same title due in December. A radio station tour to promote the song will begin next Thursday after her dentist appointment. That tooth where she got the filling in May is really aching lately. 

James Stroud, CEO and founder of Stroudavarious, had this to say of your mother: "She brings a lot to the table, literally and figuratively, ha ha ha. When we found out she had such a large circle of Bunco and book club friends and that she used to sing backup for a bar rock band in college, it was a no-brainer!" 

When questioned if your female parent's advanced age would be an issue in marketing, Stroud offered: "Not at all, she's a lovely woman and aren't 'cougars' in style nowadays? Ha ha." Your dad had no comment regarding that concern. 

With the magnetic kitty calendar on the fridge filling up quickly, your matriarch has been cutting carbs and doing P90X in preparation for August's cover shoot. She's also had to cancel plans for a yard sale the third weekend because she may be filling in for The Grascals on one night of Hank Jr.'s Rowdy Friends Tour. 

You'd know all this if you'd call home more often. And how's that new girlfriend working out? 

Martina McBride Suspected in Several Area Holdups

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, December 15, 2010 

Superstar country singer Martina McBride is the unlikely suspect in several recent Nashville armed robberies. 

On Thursday, a Brentwood Texaco cashier reported that shortly after 9 PM, a very short-in-stature woman dressed in a black overcoat and a collectible miniature Predators hockey mask demanded all the cash from the register and 8 cans of watermelon Four Loko. The victim said he laughed until the assailant produced a semiautomatic pistol while screaming "Don't doubt me, Hassan, I know how to shoot this b*tch!" She left the Texaco with an undisclosed amount of money, the Four Loko beverages and several sticks of beef jerky. 

Saturday morning, a BP station in the same general vicinity was robbed at gunpoint by a similarly described female. On this occasion, the woman lit a rack of Country Weekly magazines on fire before leaving the premises with cash, an Ed Hardy lighter and a handful of Black & Mild cigarillos. "She was yelling about Carrie Underwood when she burned those magazines; it was surreal," recounted BP attendant Cliff Carlston. "She was cussing like a sailor, but that voice... her voice was so familiar... and uplifting." 

A string of robberies across the area has been attributed to the same suspect, with the top of her head caught on surveillance tapes at local convenience stores, banks and check cashing services. A black Lincoln SUV with step-sides has been mentioned as the getaway car in several instances. Investigators point to this fact along with a tip from a distraught child at the McBride residence as evidence of the singer's involvement in these crimes. 

McBride's lawyers had no comment and Martina herself was in conference with her legal team at press time. The Davidson County Sheriff's Department said they were looking to obtain some juvenile-size cuffs before taking McBride into custody on suspicion of robbery, arson and assault.