Record Store Looted, Luke Bryan Albums Untouched

Portland’s Portobello Records near Laurelhurst Park was ransacked and looted on Thursday night during the ongoing protests and unrest occurring in the city. The store was reported to be nearly a total loss. 

Owner Jason Anderson reported damages in upwards of $67,000. Shelves were overturned, walls were vandalized, records were stolen, Five Finger Death Punch t-shirts were burned, and the cash register was emptied of its entire $1.45. 

“They left every single CD and vinyl record of Luke Bryan untouched though,” laughed Anderson. “Usually we just sell those to tourists anyway, but he’s not thaaat bad, right?” He told us there was even a polite letter scrawled in blood on the Bryan records that said simply “No thanks.”

Besides the country hunk’s records, every other CD, cassette tape, vinyl, and even a few 8-tracks were stolen from Portobello. That includes Creed, Nickelback, Soulja Boy, Hoobastank, Lil Xan, LMFAO, 6ix9ine, Puddle of Mudd, and even Coldplay. “I could have resold a lot of leftovers on eBay or some other secondary market, but I mean, if they wouldn’t even steal Luke Bryan albums, I guess they’re worthless,” said Anderson, rummaging through the debris.

“Oh, actually here are a few other records they didn’t take,” said Anderson, finding a full crate under some rubble. “Florida-Georgia Line, Dustin Lynch, Thomas Rhett… weird.” 

The looters, believed to be one group pretending to be Antifa and another group pretending to be right wingers, both intending to frame the other, were not identifiable in store security footage. If you have information that could lead to an arrest in the case, contact Portland Crimestoppers. 

Georgia Touts “Better” Red Dirt Scene

The Georgia Department of Economic Development’s Tourism division is launching a new promotion to bring attention to the state’s country music scene, but they may be stepping on some toes. “Our dirt is redder,” laughed department chair Henry Dix. “And better.”

That’s even the tagline for the advertising campaign, which will appear in major print publications and a nationwide television advertisement. The marketing format seems to claim that Georgia’s “red dirt” music scene is greater than that of the beloved (and much longer lived as an actual scene) Oklahoma network of songwriters and musicians. 

Hank Dix, Tourism Director

Farce the Music spoke with Dix about the Georgia Red Dirt promotion.

---

FTM: You’re aware that Oklahoma has had a Red Dirt scene for decades, and that Georgia has never had a music scene by that name?

Dix: Indeed! Otherwise, our motto wouldn’t make sense. Better than what?? Better than Oklahoma, that’s what! And we do really have red dirt.

FTM: Great. So, you’ve either just copied the nomenclature from an existing format of music, or pulled it out of your a** and expect it to take? You can’t give yourself a nickname.

Dix: Think of it as “giving that name a better home.” Good artists copy, great artists steal… as they say. If you look at it by pure sales, our scene dwarfs theirs in every category. Thus, we plan to trademark the term, and possibly allow them to continue its use in lower case. 

FTM: That’s some shady dealing there, but all’s fair in business it seems. You say your artists sell better. Who, exactly, are you considering to be “Red Dirt” in the Georgia music scene?

Dix: Have you ever heard of Luke Bryan? I thought so. That man alone has sold more albums and concert tickets than nearly every ragweed from Oklahoma combined. Oh, and we claim half of Florida-Georgia Line too. Just half their sales puts us over the entirety of their artists when added to Bryan’s sales. Then there’s Brantley Gilbert, a more humble and soulful songwriter than ever existed in Still Waters. 

FTM: It’s “Stillwater.” And hold up. You’re claiming national artists who have already made it in the mainstream as “Red Dirt” artists? 

Dix: And why not? They’re from here, many still live here, and they play here once or twice a year on tour. They bring more to our economy than Stoney LaDue ever brought to that dust bowl.

FTM: Gross. And it’s “LaRue.” You don’t even know what a music scene is, do you? 

Dix: Music evolves, terminology evolves. They’re just jealous. Justin Boland couldn’t shine Colt Ford’s boots. 

FTM: It’s “Jason” Boland. And their scene isn’t about platinum sales and laser shows and dancing at concerts. It’s about integrity and the love of music. You’re making a mockery of the name Red Dirt.

Dix: I’ll tell you about mockery. Nobody ever heard of 90% of their so-called artists. If music isn’t popular, it isn’t good. It’s about the bottom line, not well-written lines. Who the hell are the Red Dirt Rangers, LMAO (he said this aloud)? Are they some redneck Power Rangers? And the Turnrow Troubadours? LOL (again, said out loud), they got Yoko’d before they could even sell out Bridgestone. 

FTM: That’s offensive, and I’ve heard enough, and it’s “Turnpike.” You are an idiot.

Dix: And a good day to you too, sir! Before I go, everybody make sure to check out our up and coming Red Dirt® artists Sam Hunt, Jason Aldean, and Thomas Rhett!!

FTM: F**k off.

----

At press time, Oklahoma’s Red Dirt scene had just claimed Garth Brooks, and taken the lead in the sales category.

Local Man Arrested for Arrested for Vandalizing Luke Bryan T-Shirts

Local mechanic and noted country music fan Reginald Spears, 48, was arrested on Thursday morning for vandalism and destruction of property. He was booked and released on bail after spending an hour in county. Spears’ popular Twitter account tweeted “My wife shouldn’t take me to town, heh heh” that afternoon, likely in regards to the incident. 

On Thursday at 11:00 a.m., Jessica Chamberlain, proprietor of So So Cute Women’s Wear reported to police that a man was drawing on t-shirts with a marker or paint pen. She says she asked him to leave the premises when she noticed it, and that he politely complied, but returned to “put the finishing touches on one drawing.” That’s when Chamberlain called the cops. 

“His wife is a sweetheart… I asked her not to bring him back in here again though; he’s crazy but at least he was wearing a mask, I guess.” she said, shaking her head.

Spears was arrested without incident in the parking lot. “He’s usually a gentleman when we have to arrest him.” laughed sheriff’s deputy Cody Westling. “It’s been a while, so I told him we’d missed him.” 

So So Cute maintains a section of Luke Bryan clothing, dedicated to the country superstar who was born only a hundred miles or so from the store. Chamberlain said that when Mr. Spears noticed it, he went out to his truck and returned holding something (which turned out to be a handful of Sharpies and puff paint markers). “He was wild-eyed and looking around, but I didn’t think anything of it.” said Mrs. Chamberlain. “But then I noticed that he was doodling on the shirts… who does that? He’s a grown man.” 

Spears allegedly drew penises on some of the shirts and added offensive phrases to others. “On our ‘One margarita, two margarita’ (based on Bryan’s hit “One Margarita”) shirt, he wrote “leads to three baby daddies,” said Chamberlain. “And he just wrote “sucks” on all my adorable Luke Bryan vintage v-necks. He’s got a problem!”

Spears, who runs a small engine repair shop on his property off Hwy 57, has said in the past that his long string of peculiar crimes is all in the name of “real country music.” His county rap sheet stands as proof, with 6-7 different misdemeanors over the years, oddly all related to country music. 

At press time, Chamberlain had agreed to drop all charges if Spears agreed to pay for the damages, estimated at around $1,000. Spears was not available for comment. 

The Crud Report: July 2020

Dustin Lynch Despondent Over Loss of Abs During Lockdown

Country star Dustin Lynch is missing touring. He’s missing meeting his fans at meet and greets. He’s missing a lot of everyday things we usually take for granted during normal times. These are not normal times, and Lynch is missing one of his few positive attributes in these crazy days: his abs. 

Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, the singer of “Blue Eyed Feet on a Dashboard” has been without his trainer for nearly 3 months. “He’s all concerned about his health and I get that,” said a concerned Lynch. “But what about my appearance? That’s what keeps us both employed.”

Lynch, performer of the massive smash “Hometown Honey Girl,” says he maintains a simple workout program of crunches, sit-ups, and a basic weight regimen, but that without professional oversight, he often ends up quitting early to stare at himself in the mirror and take Instagram pics. “I mean, I still look hot,” he said. “But this six pack is turning into a slightly more covered in fat six pack.”

Known for his bright smile and the bro-country classic “Extended Cab Love Makin’,” Lynch has also been without his nutritional advisor during the lockdown. “We Zoom and whatnot,” he laughed. “But without her here in person to stuff me with kale and chicken breasts, I’ve been chowing down on pizza rolls constantly.” 

Lynch says he’s gained nearly 4.5 pounds and that his waist size has ballooned to a 30. “I’m scared this Coronavirus thingie is going to be over all of the sudden and I’ll have to go on tour looking like a fatty!” complained the singer of “Where My Good Girl At.” “My fangirls expect a certain level of sexiness, and I’m just a soft 8.5 out of 10 right now.” 

At press time, Dustin was on his third Crest White Strips cycle of the day.

Simp Actually Enjoys Hearing Women Sing Country Music

Written By This Guy?

Ft. Lauderdale - A male country fan has confessed to actually liking country music performed by women. Florida panhandle man Harvey Christian counts himself a fan of Carrie Underwood, Miranda Lambert, AND Ashley McBryde, among others. The simp finds their shrill and annoying voices somehow enjoyable. Really.

Studies by mainstream country research firms have proven time and again that female singers should only be the exception and not the rule when programming radio playlists. Tomatoes in the salad, if you will. And yet, this purported country music fan truly finds chick songs to be engaging and of artistic merit. P****-whipped! 

“The women sing about subjects of substance more often than their male counterparts,” said the wuss. “And even when their songs are light-hearted, I find them more engaging and memorable.” LOL, I guess he’s never listened to Dustin Lynch!

While other real men listen to stalwarts like Florida-Georgia Line, Luke Bryan, and Sam Hunt, Harvey-freaking-Christian is white knighting all over social media about how much he loves Margo Price and Mickey Guyton. It’s nearly certain he’s just trying to get into some liberal babe’s pants. We don’t buy it. 

“No, I’m happily married and my wife listens to jazz and pop so I’m not trying to impress anybody,” insisted the pansy. “I am telling you the gospel truth when I say that I truly find pleasure in hearing females perform country and western music.” Liar. Data says even women don’t like women singing, so what’s the deal??

“I even love the classics like Patsy Cline, Tammy Wynette, and Loretta Lynn,” sucks up Christian. “They didn’t get the due as they deserved in their time.” Patsy’s dead, loser, she’s not going to read this!

At press time, this subservient wimp was queuing up some Lori McKenna, to get in his feelings or whatever. 

Top 10 Biggest Jerks in 2000s Country

Some would imagine that the fan-friendly, upbeat country music scene of 2000-2009 would not be as likely to contain divas and d-bags as the more recent country music diaspora. Some would be very, very wrong. Here are some of the genre's most egregious offenders.

10. Jo Dee Messina

Brings a Coke can into church so she has somewhere to spit her dip. Constantly brags about her Peloton.

9. Billy Currington

Once fought with an old guy about a boat wake or something. [edit: being told this actually happened]

Considers his duet with Shania Twain the highpoint of her career.

8. Sara Evans

At concerts, will only perform her biggest hits as spoken word. Made Trick Pony use a utility closet as a dressing room when they opened for her. 

7. Brad Paisley

Working with legal team to get “dad jokes” copyrighted so he can sue everybody who uses the term. When people join his group text promotion, he sells their numbers to escort services.

6. Dierks Bentley

Publicly and profanely humiliates anyone who misspells his name. Eats Taco Bell on his bus. Uses the bathroom on his band’s bus.

5. Phil Vassar

Plays “Bobbi with an I” as his encore at concerts. Avoids eye contact with anyone shorter than him. Has an album of Drake covers coming out soon.

4. Cyndi Thomson

Bogarts the joint. “I Crossfit” is her entire Facebook bio. Won’t use the zipper merge in traffic.

3. Steve Holy

Cheats at foosball. Won’t flush a floater. Performs Tekashi 6ix9ine songs on Tik Tok. 

2. Mark Wills

Covers a Wheeler Walker Jr. song when he sees there are lots of kids at his concert. Still does the “flaming bag of shit” prank on neighbors despite being in his 40s. Has long conversations in front of what you need at Walmart.

1. John Rich

Wait, who authorized putting an actual jerk on here?

Antifa Coming to Your House to Make You Listen to Kane Brown

Reports from NewsPunisher.org indicate that the loosely organized progressive activist group Antifa is bored with ‘destroying American cities’ and is determined to spread their message to “racist suburban country fans.” 

According to News Punisher, Antifa President Don T. Exiss stated: “We at Antifa hate the comfort and antipathy of suburban America, so we’re coming for you! Tonight we say “f*** the city” and we move to the residential areas… the white hoods (and I mean that as in all white people who live in the suburbs and enjoy country music are Klan members, periodt)… and we take what’s ours!”

Source Karen Sellers of Bethesda, Maryland, says a busload of Antifa members checked into hotels in the area two days ago and have devious plans in mind. “I heard from a friend of mine that Antifa is coming to each of our houses personally to force us to listen to (country star) Kane Brown, and if we don’t become fans, they’ll burn our homes down! I’m locked and loaded, so I ain’t worried. I just love my Hank Jr. and Charlie Daniels and that’s it! MAGA!” said Sellers. 

When asked why they plan to inflict Kane Brown in particular upon the comfy conservatives, Exiss told us: “We could play Darius Rucker or Charley Pride, but even racists enjoy them, so we’ll be accomplishing the two-pronged goal of promoting a country artist who is a person of color, and also making the Repubs uncomfortable, because frankly, even we don’t like Kane’s music.” 

Lee “SDE” Fockerson of Benton, AR was huddled in his foyer cradling a shoulder fired rocket launcher at press time.

The Crud Report: June 2020

Country Radio Station Sucked Into The Earth After Playing Two Women in a Row

West Memphis, AR – Popular country radio station KRAP FM 101.4 was destroyed amidst remarkable circumstances on Tuesday. No one was killed or injured but the station itself was a total loss.

Around 2:05 a.m., overnight DJ Carl Wellseen broke the long-standing unwritten rule at mainstream country radio of playing songs by two female artists in a row. Wellseen said he felt a slight rumble when he played the first track, Caylee Hammack’s “Small Town Hypocrite.” “I figured it was just thunder, there was a storm in the area so it didn’t even register.” said Wellseen.

After a commercial break for erectile dysfunction pills and an insurance company saying “we’re all in this together during these uncertain times,” Carl played Carrie Underwood’s current hit “Drinking Alone.” That’s when things got weird. 

“There was another rumble, but this time the whole building shook and the tower swayed,” said Wellseen. “I thought - earthquake! - we have little one every once in a while, but this felt like the New Madrid had finally woke its a** up. Either that or a truck plowed into the strip club next door again.”

Carl ran outside to see what was going on just in the nick of time. “The f***ing earth opened up, like that 2012 movie or some s***.” related Wellseen. “I wet myself running away.” A large sinkhole opened below the station, pulling the entire facility into the earth, where it caught on fire and exploded. 

No one else was in the station when it collapsed. That’s a good thing, because it was also struck by lightening several times as it went down.

“I’ll never play two women in a row again!” laughed Carl. “And I’d advise every other country station to take heed of this omen. It’s crazy.”

The strip club next door was unharmed.

Multiple Arrests at Mainstream Country Festival, Despite it Being Online

At the “Down Home Together” festival this past weekend, it was almost as if things were no different than usual. The mainstream country music streaming show included the likes of Luke Bryan, Kelsea Ballerini, Upchurch, and Jordan Davis playing songs from their living room and was set to raise funds for several COVID related charities, but many fans behaved as if the festival was in a farm pasture. 43 arrests were reported across the 3 1/2 hour show, despite it being online.

25 of the arrests were for online threats of violence as fans got into arguments in the comments over such subjects as COVID-19, masks, beer, Donald Trump, and murder hornets. One man even threatened to fire a rocket launcher into the home of another fan who thought Ozark wasn’t as good this season. Authorities found said man in possession of a rocket launcher and illegal prescription drugs. 

10 more arrests were for actual violence, when online arguments led to actual fights for feuding fans who lived near one another. “I just commented that maybe we shouldn’t be talking about whether Kelsea had “nice t****ies” or not in the comments because it seemed pretty sexist to me, and some Bubba guy from Smyrna drove to my house with a baseball bat.” said Dunwoody, GA music fan Gerald Hopkins. Bubba Carlisle was charged with threats, possession of a controlled substance, and expired tags when police arrested him in Hopkins’ driveway.

Other charges during the festival included attempts to sell meth, dissemination of pornographic content in a public forum, and somehow, a couple of DUIs and drunk and disorderlies. The chaos of the Down Home Together festival has promoters wondering whether or not to rush back to in-person concerts once the pandemic has eased. 

Luke Bryan had no comment at press time, as he was “waxing,” according to his management.

Axl Rose Recording Country Album

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, October 20, 2009 

Spurred on by Gone Country rock-star pal Sebastian Bach, rock icon and lead singer of Guns n' Roses, Axl Rose, has begun work on an epic country album. In a nearly-coherent blog diatribe directed at some unnamed assailant in the Nashville press, Rose announced his plans in maniacally honest detail. 

Here is an excerpt from that post: 

"Despite this uneducated m*****-f*****'s baseless claims and slander against me, I will persevere and this album will see the light of the day in a few short months or possibly 17 years. I have already hired some of Nashville's finest musicians and plan to alienate and fire them one by one until I end up with a band that in no way resembles the one that is intact at this moment. However, I will keep each person's contribution and use them in multi-multi-tracked songs that are rich with sound the way a pizza burger stir-fry with chocolate ranch taco sauce is rich with taste." 

He continued: "I expect to go through somewhere between $2 and 25 million dollars of Curb Records' money and have several label heads fired during the laborious recording process. I will spend my downtime: 1) hanging with Baz (Bach) and John Rich, 2) punching Nashville celebrities at charity events and 3) suing people. After finishing this record, I will resume recording of Chinese Democracy 2 which will come out posthumously. And hey, you scum-sucking, onerous piece of crap, you'll never say that s*** about me again!" 

The already mythical Arkansas Literacy album is expected to be an exclusive one-album deal with Target. Industry insiders predict it will sell around 150,000 the first week before tanking, after which Axl will make another rambling, curse-filled blog post blaming Target, Slash and the Jehovah's Witnesses for weak sales. 

The Crud Report: May 2020

Country Blogger Has Been Social Distancing for Years

The country music blogger Trailer has been prepared for something like this Covid-19 pandemic for years. Now that it has come to pass, he’s in his element and thriving.

Trailer, who runs the satire and review site Farce the Music, says social distancing has been a part of his life for many years now. “Well, since I’m a big, fat, jealous hater, people have never wanted to be around me anyway,” said the reclusive meme maker. The blog is well known for making fun of country artists that the general public loves and adores, lending to Trailer’s outcast nature.

“The biggest problem for me right now is that without new albums, tours, and interviews going on, I don’t have a lot to make fun of,” he said. “Mostly I just go around on YouTube videos calling children and teenagers idiots for liking Kane Brown… it’s pretty fun.” 

The general negativity in society right now is nothing new for Trailer, who spends far more time talking bad about singers he doesn’t like than he does being positive about artists he enjoys. “I bet Luke Bryan is living it up without a worry in the world… the damn sparkeldy skinny jeans wearing poser.” said the spiteful loser, as his mom brought him some more Totino’s Pizza Rolls. 

“I don’t like music to evolve. Genres should stay the same as they were when they were invented, and right now there aren’t any studios open for Florida-Georgia Line to be auto-tuner emo rapping in, and that makes me happy.” laughed the crusty cynic.

At press time, Trailer was grumbling while walking up out of the basement to help his mom with the dishes.

Americana Band Actually Doing Better Financially During the Pandemic

Tupelo, Mississippi Americana band Natchez Trace is riding out the Covid-19 pandemic in a shared rental house and doing just fine, thank you. In fact, they say things are actually more profitable for them during these uncertain times.

“I was worried, I’ll be honest.” said bassist Lee Sturgeon. “No tour dates, no merch sales, and even our Spotify streaming royalties are down from $1.54 to $1.34 for some reason.” Despite the lack of income, the band, who has opened for the likes of Aaron Lee Tasjan and Nikki Lane, is living high on the hog during this challenging era. 

“We’ve actually gone 22 straight days without our van breaking down,” said lead singer Vance Upton. “The previous record was 4 hours… so we’re saving a lot of money on vehicle maintenance.” “Also, we haven’t had any gear stolen since last Monday. Usually we’re replacing amps and guitars on a pretty much daily basis.” 

Low overhead isn’t the only thing keeping Natchez Trace afloat. “When those stimulus checks hit the bank accounts, we threw a party,” laughed Sturgeon. “$1200 dollars a piece? Man, that’s like six months driving from town to town, playing for 23 people, and sleeping in a rest stop parking lot.” “We’re rich bitch!” yelled Upton in the background. 

So what is Natchez Trace doing during this downtime? “Video games, beer, Netflix, repeat.” said drummer Matthew Chandler. “We might do a live stream or something one of these days but we’re usually too hung over.” 

At press time, Natchez Trace was drunkly considering continuing to not tour after the pandemic is over.

Fake News Classics: Nashville Unsure How to Monetize Killing of bin Laden

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California May 24, 2011 

Several well-known country singers have expressed a sense of befuddlement about their course of action after the recent killing of Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden. 

"Normally, I'd have three or four situation-appropriate patriotic singles I could rush to radio –- and I do, don't get me wrong –- but we get into a conundrum here because I don’t really understand what the hell is going on,” said one noted hitmaker who wished to remain anonymous. 

"I've got one in the can called 'We Got Our Man' but I mean, what if they didn't really get him? You've heard the conspiracy theories," he continued. "And another one's called 'We Salute You,' but that might be misconstrued as support for Obama or something, and that's career suicide in the country market." 

Representatives for Darryl Worley have confessed similar issues. "Darryl needs a hit right now so he doesn't have to go into underwear modeling -- not that there's anything wrong with that -- but he's a country singer and he's a patriot and America needs him to wave the flag now more than ever," said an anonymous member of Worley's management. 

"We have a sequel to 'Have You Forgotten?' called 'We Remember' slated for release in late July to capitalize express his feelings on the ten year anniversary of 9/11, but that's two months from now... Darryl needs something on the market to keep his name out there, and the bin Laden killing is just too much of a mixed bag for us to formulate an approach on." 

Other artists such as Aaron Tippin and Lee Greenwood were also seeking outlets for their desire to represent this occasion in song at press time, but their camps were mum on possibilities. 

Toby Keith, however, was going full steam ahead with its release of "America, Hell Yeah," which hits radio five minutes ago. 

George Strait is a Big Fraud, Says Ignorant Man

“He’s a joke! People call him the King,” said Reed Bartholomew about country legend George Strait. “King of what? Pretty boys who suck!” 

Bartholomew, a self-described hardcore country fan, contacted us to broadcast his feelings that Strait is overrated and a detriment to the history of country music. His points are passionate but a bit misguided. 

“For one thing,” began the moron, “he’s skinny and handsome and well-dressed… real country singers are grungy and haggard like Johnny Paycheck …and Haggard.” Appearances, including good hygiene, lucky genetics, and healthfulness have little to do with the authenticity of music but go on, Barth.

“Also, he’s always singing about horses and cowboys, but I bet he’s never even roped a steer… damn stage-boots-wearin’ poser.” said Bartholomew of Strait, who grew up on and also runs a ranch, holds a degree in agriculture, and once competed in the Pro Rodeo Cowboys Association in team-roping. 

“Why should we look up to a pretty fake cowboy when there’s men and women in camo standing up for our freedom?” continued the idiot, unaware that Strait served in the US Army from 1971-1975 and achieved the rank of Corporal.

“He don’t even write his own songs, and that’s why I think he’s not even in the top 100 country singers of all time… he just stands on the stage and strums his guitar.” finished Bartholomew. While not known as a songwriter for most of his career, Strait has written and cowritten over 25 of his songs, particularly on his last few albums - far more than Reed Bartholomew has ever written in his life.

He’s right about the guitar though. One point to the dumbass.

The Crud Report: April 2020

Police Using Hick-Hop Songs to Disperse Crowds During Pandemic

Police departments nationally reported on Friday that they were using unusual methods to enforce lockdowns and “safer at home” measures during the Coronavirus pandemic. An attempt to avoid harsher crowd control options has led many forces to use speaker trucks to blast music that most people find repugnant - in this case, hick-hop, or country rap, seems to be having the best results.

In Ft. Worth, TX Wednesday, local authorities were alerted to a small block party in a suburban neighborhood. Rather than issue citations or fines, they simply rolled a police van into the vicinity blasting “Outback (Extended Remix)” by the hick-hop group Redneck Souljers. “They lit out of there like their butts were on fire” laughed Deputy Lewis Marks. “I don’t blame them - I felt physically ill listening to it myself.”

A birthday party in Van Nuys, CA fell victim to Colt Ford’s “No Trash in My Trailer.” Carl Jenkins, who had attended the party, told us by Skype that he was injured during the melée as the party broke up. “I may sue their asses - I didn’t trip or fall or anything, but I was mentally injured by that music; I’ve got pain and suffering and PTSD now. I might rather have the Rona.” he grimaced.

An outdoor bat mitzvah in Salem, OR ended in similar fashion. “I hate to do it, but this is for safety and health of the public at large” said officer Lindsay Scanlan, turning on Upchurch’s “My Neck of the Woods” at ear-shattering volume. Audible screams and weeping were heard as the 24 people at the mitzvah scattered like ants. 

Similar stories have come in from across the country, but at press time, law enforcement agencies in the Carolinas reported that hick-hop was ineffective in clearing large gatherings and were exploring using flash bombs, rubber bullets, and tear gas.

“Country” Singer Not Adjusting Well to Social Distancing in the Country

As nearly all performers are during the coronavirus outbreak, a popular country singer is spending time away from the adoring crowds. Currently holed up at his rural estate which he normally only visits on rare tour breaks, he’s having a difficult time adjusting to the rigors of country living, despite singing about them in most of his songs. We’ll call the singer Chad Bryant for anonymity’s sake.

“It’s great that I finally get to hang out with my wife for more than a day - she seems really nice.” said Bryant, “But everything on the property is torn up, running out, or squeaking, and my staff is self-isolating at their homes, and I don't even know how to use a pork wrench. [sic]” 

Bryant was unable to repair the fence that encloses his three horses, despite singing of fixing fences in two of his hit songs. “I just stacked up a pile of firewood beside where those slats are broken, so Pennywhistle, Drake, and Rainbow Dash can’t get out.” he explained. 

“And the garden looks like crap, but I’m trying,” said Bryant, standing over a dusty mess of vines and swirling flies holding a handful of Miracle Gro spikes. Despite once singing “if the world falls down, I’ve got this patch of ground, with a garden and deer in the fields,” Chad isn’t even sure which growing thingies are weeds and which are green beans. And while it’s not deer season, Bryant said he’ll have a hell of a time without his usual hunting guide and penned up whitetails if this thing lasts very long. 

“At least I’ve got a home gym to keep these abs ripped and this butt tight,” smiled Bryant. “I’m gonna look good for the whole lock-down.” Bryant has no hit songs about doing hack squats.

At press time, Bryant said he was eating a Quest bar and watching a YouTube video trying to figure out how to start his mower, but that “the internet service is spotty out here in the boonies.”