The Crud Report: October 2020

Kane Brown Feared Lost Backstage at the Opry

Since recording his performance of "Worldwide Beautiful" for the ACM Awards with his band last weekend, country star Kane Brown has not been heard from. After an hours long search of the backstage area, his band, crew, and management gave up looking, optimistically assuming he'd simply gone home.

"Officially, we believe he left without telling anyone goodbye or answering calls or messages since last weekend," said an anonymous member of Kane's crew. "But if you ask me, his ass is lost again. And if he is, he is truly the Tom Brady of getting your ass lost, because the only dark halls or tunnels there are like for underground utilities."

Brown received national attention last month as he revealed that he had recently been lost on his own 30 acre property. That incident led to he and his wife having to call the police to help locate them. The debacle birthed many memes and jokes at Brown's expense. Whether he's truly missing or not this time is still unknown.

"I think it's a Spinal Tap moment in reverse," said another anonymous member of Brown's staff. "He left stage and has been just forever walking through the tunnels and catacombs of the building saying 'Hello Nashville' to himself or something. I hope he's okay."

Brown's performance of "Worldwide Beautiful" Wednesday night was pre-recorded earlier in the week due to the constraints and restrictions of the COVID pandemic.

At press time, Opry janitors reported hearing strange bellowing sounds "like someone singing through a fart" in the bowels of the facility.

Zac Brown Band's "Whatever It Is" Chosen for STD Awareness Campaign

by Trailer - Originally Posted on Country California May 26, 2009 

The Zac Brown Band's recent smash "Whatever It Is" will be featured in an upcoming STD awareness ad campaign, reports the group's manager Turk Peeny. 

"We all got a good laugh out of it when they first called," said Peeny, referring to the nonprofit group Gone-orrhea's initial request. "I mean, 'she's got whatever it is', yeah, it works both ways... but this is a love song and the band didn't want it to be associated with STDs." 

When Gone-orrhea came calling a second time, though, Brown realized that the opportunity was one that his group, currently touring in support of their platinum disc The Foundation, could not afford to pass up. Long story short, Zac and bandmates agreed to license the song and retool its female-appreciative lyrics into something more on point. Only the chorus of the revised version is used in the ad spot, as the verses were deemed a little too sexual for prime time. 

The commercial depicts a young couple considering amorous relations before ultimately deciding upon the girl getting her genital inflammation checked out by a gynecologist as Zac sings "She's got whatever it is, getting tested today." As the spot fades, the line "gotta take that Cipro pill, cause baby I love you" accompanies the couple dancing in the rain. 

When asked if they'd be performing this version of the song during their popular live shows, Mr. Brown said it would depend on how much cold beer he had on a Friday night. 

At press time, Gone-orrhea was in talks with Rodney Atkins about repurposing the song "It's America" as "It's Chlamydia." 

Kid Rock Takes First Bath in 25 Years

Spurred on by his idea to “wed” country legend Loretta Lynn in a publicity stunt this past weekend, hip-hop/country/rocker Robert James Ritchie (aka Kid Rock) recently took his first bath since 1995. 

Mr. Rock, who is mostly just famous for being famous these days, has always been known for his grungy appearance and disheveled clothing but he felt that Loretta Lynn deserved him at his best for their ‘nuptials.’ “I couldn’t marry the queen of country music smelling like …everything and most of it bad…” said Ritchie. “Had to get fresh!”

He reported that the actual act of bathing was a several hour process, requiring multiple cleansing products and several semi-hazardous chemicals. “If I’m being honest,” Kid grinned. “There was a chisel, sandpaper, and a hammer involved.” The bath even had a title sponsor: Mean Green.

Known for his outlandish lifestyle, Rock never bothered to take even a quick shower during the past 25 years, saying he was too busy partying. A Republican, he once ran for US Senate and did not even wash his hands during the entire campaign, which also turned out to be yet another publicity stunt. 

“When I was finally through with my bath, you never seen such a f***ing bathtub ring,” he laughed. “If it was on the floor, you’d trip over it.” Rock said there was dirt, sawdust, parking tickets, grease, marijuana stems, an unidentified white powder, stripper glitter, and hair present in the layer of filth circling his tub. He had to hire ServiceMaster to return his bathroom to its pristine condition. “Might be a few years before I’m back in there, but I want it nice for company.” said Ritchie.

At press time, Loretta Lynn was being given a thorough medical exam after her contact with Kid Rock last weekend. 

The Crud Report: September 2020

New Country Act "Megadeth" Signs With Big Machine

"David" Mustaine

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California March 03, 2011

Scott Borchetta today announced the signing of Megadeth to a three-record deal with Big Machine. Lead singer Dave Mustaine was on hand for the press conference, wearing a Megadeth logo-emblazoned (now in the Bleeding Cowboys font) pearl snap shirt and cowboy hat. 

"We're just excited to explore this awesome genre. For years, Megadeth has been a mainstay in hard rock and thrash metal, but we've always had a soft spot for the music that truly makes this country great," explained Mustaine. "If you look back at uh, well... the liner notes for Peace Sells... you'll see that we've always thanked people for their support... and uh, that kind of appreciation is a tenet of country music." 

The newly clean-shorn Dave continued: "I've got all of Johnny Cash's records, and I just love the subject matter of country. Murder, drinking, death, spirituality, murder... you know, those are things I love to sing about." 

"We'll have to maybe dial down some of the political rhetoric and bloodshed a bit, but I think this established band's work translates well to the country market," said Borchetta. "Besides, most of the older demographic we're shooting for grew up listening to Metallica and Megadeth, so that's where the money is!" 

He added: "Oops, did I say that out loud?" 

Megadeth's single "Sweating Budweiser" will be sent to country radio on April 1, with a full album entitled Vic Rattlehead Loves America to be released in early summer. A supporting tour for Rascal Flatts will follow. 

Mainstream Country Festival With No Singers Draws 30,000

What if you threw a country music festival and no artists came? Well that’s what happened just outside Pembroke, GA this past weekend, and the event drew an estimated 30,211 drunken revelers. 

DirtyFest, a music festival promoted as “a day of tunes, beer, and buds,” took place this past Saturday without a stage and without a single country music artist performing, yet snarled county traffic and filled a hay field with throngs of fans. 

“It was lit.” said ‘event promoter’ Jake Chadderson. “Been bored as s**t for 7 months so I just figured we’d get some folks together and party!” He said that the idea was to recreate a country music festival to such a degree that nobody would even notice there wasn’t anybody singing up on stage. 

“Me and my boys never watch the concert anyway, and we couldn’t afford anybody we’ve heard of to play, so f*** it, we just had a throwdown.” said Chadderson. “They don’t even play Lil Uzi Vert or Post Malone at country concerts, so this was better anyway. We just had big speakers up all over the place playing our Spotify playlists.” 

To get the true ambiance of a country festival, vendors sold $9 tallboys and $5 waters, overpriced undercooked sausage dogs, and $40 t-shirts. There were plenty of mud holes, long lines for the few port-a-potties, and lax security. 

Festival goers reported multiple fights during the event’s 7 hour running time. “It was just like a normal country festival,” laughed Karyn Lowe of Smyrna. “Twerking, fighting, drinking… whooo! Just like my last Luke Bryan show or whoever that was.”

Many attendees didn’t even seem to realize there were no bands or singers. “You’re bulls******* me. I know I saw Kane Brown playing,” said Randy Kettering of Tallahassee. “I mean, I just go to shows to get b****es so I don’t really pay attention, but my boy told me Dustin Lynch played a good set on the South stage. But he was pretty drunk, so…” 

Chadderson told us the $79 ticket was to cover the insurance for the event. “And the prize money for the Tik Tok W.A.P. dance challenge.”

Country Fan Sure His “Boobies!” Reply on Instagram Will Make Maren Morris Fall for Him

Carl Outlaw of Pensacola, FL and self-described fan of “real country music,” believes a recent Instagram comment will deliver him country star Maren Morris away from her husband, singer Ryan Hurd. 

Last week, Morris posted a shot of herself in a beautiful tropical dress enjoying a cold beverage beside a golf course. The dress is burgundy and gold and tastefully revealing. Morris’ comment with the photo was “at least margaritas still exist this year.” Shortly after the IG post, Outlaw set into action.

Simply replying “Boobies!” with 2 basketball emojis, Outlaw confirmed his visual recognition that Maren in fact possesses breasts, and that he approves of their appearance. “I love the internet! I don’t have to holler at girls on the corner anymore - I can just do it on Instagram.” laughed Outlaw. “I know she’s gonna be flattered and leave that pop country singing loser, Ryan Turd.” 

When asked if he was a fan of Maren Morris’ music, Mr. Outlaw replied that he had never heard it. “I just follow her for the bikini pics,” he said. “It’s a free country.”

Outlaw felt sure that once Morris saw his reply, she’d take one look at his account and fall in love immediately. “When she finds out that I like shooting stuff, drinking Miller Lite, and cursing at politicians online, I know it’s gonna be on sight.” he laughed. “I’ve got a snooker table too.” 

While it is a common occurrence for male fans to point out the body part that is to their liking on female celebrities and influencers’ posts, it’s uncertain how many of these communications lead to romance. 

At press time, Maren was deleting the comment.

Chris Young Too Big For His Britches Lately

#fakenewsclassic by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California February 15, 2011 

According to various sources, since ringing up his third consecutive #1 hit, Chris Young has become quite a diva. 

"Voices" has solidified Young's standing as a consistent hitmaker, and he's taking full advantage of his status. 

"His backstage rider was typical and manageable up until his song hit the top of the charts," said Knoxville venue manager James Houston. "Then we got faxed a replacement order that very day that was just nuts." 

"Originally he'd just asked for a meat and cheese tray, water, cola, and beer. Now, he wanted a boiled shrimp ring, 'real' New Orleans King cake (with a gold baby in it), bottled Arctic ice water, chipped ice, heated massage recliners, ten bottles of chilled special edition Grey Goose vodka… and that was just for starters. We had to have that King cake overnighted to us." 

Fans have reported similar behavior. "I wanted an autograph for my niece. He did sign my photo, with a sneer on his face… it looked like 'CRuMy' on there… and then he put his hand out like he wanted a tip," said Alesha Grant of Winston-Salem, NC. "His assistant told me that $5 was a fair amount to ask for 'Mr. Young's' signature… I just walked off. Really, Chris? And what's with the little dog in the man bag?" 

Young's new single "Tomorrow" has already been made available to select radio stations, based on criteria chosen by the singer himself. Chris Young's Facebook page had this statement regarding the new single: "Radio stations who played 'Voices' the first time I released it get 'Tomorrow' first... and to all the haters who didn't, you'll just have to wait for the official release. Hate on." 

According to Rascal Flatts' tour manager, Young has also asked for extended time for his opening set on their tour, and has been cracking "Gary LeVox is so fat…" jokes at nearly every show. 

Currently dating whichever Kardashian sister is single this week, Young had no comment at press time. 

The Crud Report: August 2020

Report: Nobody Gives a Sh** What Famous Country Singers Are Doing During Quarantine

Reports from every American man and woman, regardless of political belief or musical preference, on Friday said they do not give one solitary shit what famous country singers are doing to pass time during the COVID-19 quarantine.

Despite numerous attempts by Taste of Country and PopCulture.com, not a single story of singers drinking coffee and reading to their kids has piqued the interest of normal everyday citizens. While Americans realized the difficulty of finding interesting news during this difficult time, they were resolute in their belief that “this ain’t it, chief.” 

“I’m only working 20 hours a week and the PPP and my stimulus check have run out so I’m worried about paying the mortgage,” said Rena Hopson of Kalamazoo, MI. “So no, I am not interested in how Luke Bryan is doing Tik Tok videos with his beautiful wife on their sprawling farm… call me cynical, I call me a realist.” 

Even TMZ has taken to peeking in the windows of country stars like Jason Aldean and Thomas Rhett to see how they’re coping with the pandemic. “Aldean appeared to be fussing at his daughter for playing Animal Crossing when she was supposed to be taking out the trash.” said a breathless paparazzi reporter for the rag. Again, this did nothing to snatch the attention of any human being upon the earth, who were each dealing with their own issues at the present time. 

“I understand that there’s nothing going on, so they have to get creative with their content,” laughed Azid Parah of Pensacola. “But I have kids to keep busy and bills to pay, so I do not give even one damn what kind of sourdough Kelsea Ballerini is baking this week.” 

At press time, The Boot was interviewing Florida-Georgia Line about their favorite episode of Unsolved Mysteries. 

Record Store Looted, Luke Bryan Albums Untouched

Portland’s Portobello Records near Laurelhurst Park was ransacked and looted on Thursday night during the ongoing protests and unrest occurring in the city. The store was reported to be nearly a total loss. 

Owner Jason Anderson reported damages in upwards of $67,000. Shelves were overturned, walls were vandalized, records were stolen, Five Finger Death Punch t-shirts were burned, and the cash register was emptied of its entire $1.45. 

“They left every single CD and vinyl record of Luke Bryan untouched though,” laughed Anderson. “Usually we just sell those to tourists anyway, but he’s not thaaat bad, right?” He told us there was even a polite letter scrawled in blood on the Bryan records that said simply “No thanks.”

Besides the country hunk’s records, every other CD, cassette tape, vinyl, and even a few 8-tracks were stolen from Portobello. That includes Creed, Nickelback, Soulja Boy, Hoobastank, Lil Xan, LMFAO, 6ix9ine, Puddle of Mudd, and even Coldplay. “I could have resold a lot of leftovers on eBay or some other secondary market, but I mean, if they wouldn’t even steal Luke Bryan albums, I guess they’re worthless,” said Anderson, rummaging through the debris.

“Oh, actually here are a few other records they didn’t take,” said Anderson, finding a full crate under some rubble. “Florida-Georgia Line, Dustin Lynch, Thomas Rhett… weird.” 

The looters, believed to be one group pretending to be Antifa and another group pretending to be right wingers, both intending to frame the other, were not identifiable in store security footage. If you have information that could lead to an arrest in the case, contact Portland Crimestoppers. 

Georgia Touts “Better” Red Dirt Scene

The Georgia Department of Economic Development’s Tourism division is launching a new promotion to bring attention to the state’s country music scene, but they may be stepping on some toes. “Our dirt is redder,” laughed department chair Henry Dix. “And better.”

That’s even the tagline for the advertising campaign, which will appear in major print publications and a nationwide television advertisement. The marketing format seems to claim that Georgia’s “red dirt” music scene is greater than that of the beloved (and much longer lived as an actual scene) Oklahoma network of songwriters and musicians. 

Hank Dix, Tourism Director

Farce the Music spoke with Dix about the Georgia Red Dirt promotion.

---

FTM: You’re aware that Oklahoma has had a Red Dirt scene for decades, and that Georgia has never had a music scene by that name?

Dix: Indeed! Otherwise, our motto wouldn’t make sense. Better than what?? Better than Oklahoma, that’s what! And we do really have red dirt.

FTM: Great. So, you’ve either just copied the nomenclature from an existing format of music, or pulled it out of your a** and expect it to take? You can’t give yourself a nickname.

Dix: Think of it as “giving that name a better home.” Good artists copy, great artists steal… as they say. If you look at it by pure sales, our scene dwarfs theirs in every category. Thus, we plan to trademark the term, and possibly allow them to continue its use in lower case. 

FTM: That’s some shady dealing there, but all’s fair in business it seems. You say your artists sell better. Who, exactly, are you considering to be “Red Dirt” in the Georgia music scene?

Dix: Have you ever heard of Luke Bryan? I thought so. That man alone has sold more albums and concert tickets than nearly every ragweed from Oklahoma combined. Oh, and we claim half of Florida-Georgia Line too. Just half their sales puts us over the entirety of their artists when added to Bryan’s sales. Then there’s Brantley Gilbert, a more humble and soulful songwriter than ever existed in Still Waters. 

FTM: It’s “Stillwater.” And hold up. You’re claiming national artists who have already made it in the mainstream as “Red Dirt” artists? 

Dix: And why not? They’re from here, many still live here, and they play here once or twice a year on tour. They bring more to our economy than Stoney LaDue ever brought to that dust bowl.

FTM: Gross. And it’s “LaRue.” You don’t even know what a music scene is, do you? 

Dix: Music evolves, terminology evolves. They’re just jealous. Justin Boland couldn’t shine Colt Ford’s boots. 

FTM: It’s “Jason” Boland. And their scene isn’t about platinum sales and laser shows and dancing at concerts. It’s about integrity and the love of music. You’re making a mockery of the name Red Dirt.

Dix: I’ll tell you about mockery. Nobody ever heard of 90% of their so-called artists. If music isn’t popular, it isn’t good. It’s about the bottom line, not well-written lines. Who the hell are the Red Dirt Rangers, LMAO (he said this aloud)? Are they some redneck Power Rangers? And the Turnrow Troubadours? LOL (again, said out loud), they got Yoko’d before they could even sell out Bridgestone. 

FTM: That’s offensive, and I’ve heard enough, and it’s “Turnpike.” You are an idiot.

Dix: And a good day to you too, sir! Before I go, everybody make sure to check out our up and coming Red Dirt® artists Sam Hunt, Jason Aldean, and Thomas Rhett!!

FTM: F**k off.

----

At press time, Oklahoma’s Red Dirt scene had just claimed Garth Brooks, and taken the lead in the sales category.

Local Man Arrested for Arrested for Vandalizing Luke Bryan T-Shirts

Local mechanic and noted country music fan Reginald Spears, 48, was arrested on Thursday morning for vandalism and destruction of property. He was booked and released on bail after spending an hour in county. Spears’ popular Twitter account tweeted “My wife shouldn’t take me to town, heh heh” that afternoon, likely in regards to the incident. 

On Thursday at 11:00 a.m., Jessica Chamberlain, proprietor of So So Cute Women’s Wear reported to police that a man was drawing on t-shirts with a marker or paint pen. She says she asked him to leave the premises when she noticed it, and that he politely complied, but returned to “put the finishing touches on one drawing.” That’s when Chamberlain called the cops. 

“His wife is a sweetheart… I asked her not to bring him back in here again though; he’s crazy but at least he was wearing a mask, I guess.” she said, shaking her head.

Spears was arrested without incident in the parking lot. “He’s usually a gentleman when we have to arrest him.” laughed sheriff’s deputy Cody Westling. “It’s been a while, so I told him we’d missed him.” 

So So Cute maintains a section of Luke Bryan clothing, dedicated to the country superstar who was born only a hundred miles or so from the store. Chamberlain said that when Mr. Spears noticed it, he went out to his truck and returned holding something (which turned out to be a handful of Sharpies and puff paint markers). “He was wild-eyed and looking around, but I didn’t think anything of it.” said Mrs. Chamberlain. “But then I noticed that he was doodling on the shirts… who does that? He’s a grown man.” 

Spears allegedly drew penises on some of the shirts and added offensive phrases to others. “On our ‘One margarita, two margarita’ (based on Bryan’s hit “One Margarita”) shirt, he wrote “leads to three baby daddies,” said Chamberlain. “And he just wrote “sucks” on all my adorable Luke Bryan vintage v-necks. He’s got a problem!”

Spears, who runs a small engine repair shop on his property off Hwy 57, has said in the past that his long string of peculiar crimes is all in the name of “real country music.” His county rap sheet stands as proof, with 6-7 different misdemeanors over the years, oddly all related to country music. 

At press time, Chamberlain had agreed to drop all charges if Spears agreed to pay for the damages, estimated at around $1,000. Spears was not available for comment. 

The Crud Report: July 2020

Dustin Lynch Despondent Over Loss of Abs During Lockdown

Country star Dustin Lynch is missing touring. He’s missing meeting his fans at meet and greets. He’s missing a lot of everyday things we usually take for granted during normal times. These are not normal times, and Lynch is missing one of his few positive attributes in these crazy days: his abs. 

Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, the singer of “Blue Eyed Feet on a Dashboard” has been without his trainer for nearly 3 months. “He’s all concerned about his health and I get that,” said a concerned Lynch. “But what about my appearance? That’s what keeps us both employed.”

Lynch, performer of the massive smash “Hometown Honey Girl,” says he maintains a simple workout program of crunches, sit-ups, and a basic weight regimen, but that without professional oversight, he often ends up quitting early to stare at himself in the mirror and take Instagram pics. “I mean, I still look hot,” he said. “But this six pack is turning into a slightly more covered in fat six pack.”

Known for his bright smile and the bro-country classic “Extended Cab Love Makin’,” Lynch has also been without his nutritional advisor during the lockdown. “We Zoom and whatnot,” he laughed. “But without her here in person to stuff me with kale and chicken breasts, I’ve been chowing down on pizza rolls constantly.” 

Lynch says he’s gained nearly 4.5 pounds and that his waist size has ballooned to a 30. “I’m scared this Coronavirus thingie is going to be over all of the sudden and I’ll have to go on tour looking like a fatty!” complained the singer of “Where My Good Girl At.” “My fangirls expect a certain level of sexiness, and I’m just a soft 8.5 out of 10 right now.” 

At press time, Dustin was on his third Crest White Strips cycle of the day.

Simp Actually Enjoys Hearing Women Sing Country Music

Written By This Guy?

Ft. Lauderdale - A male country fan has confessed to actually liking country music performed by women. Florida panhandle man Harvey Christian counts himself a fan of Carrie Underwood, Miranda Lambert, AND Ashley McBryde, among others. The simp finds their shrill and annoying voices somehow enjoyable. Really.

Studies by mainstream country research firms have proven time and again that female singers should only be the exception and not the rule when programming radio playlists. Tomatoes in the salad, if you will. And yet, this purported country music fan truly finds chick songs to be engaging and of artistic merit. P****-whipped! 

“The women sing about subjects of substance more often than their male counterparts,” said the wuss. “And even when their songs are light-hearted, I find them more engaging and memorable.” LOL, I guess he’s never listened to Dustin Lynch!

While other real men listen to stalwarts like Florida-Georgia Line, Luke Bryan, and Sam Hunt, Harvey-freaking-Christian is white knighting all over social media about how much he loves Margo Price and Mickey Guyton. It’s nearly certain he’s just trying to get into some liberal babe’s pants. We don’t buy it. 

“No, I’m happily married and my wife listens to jazz and pop so I’m not trying to impress anybody,” insisted the pansy. “I am telling you the gospel truth when I say that I truly find pleasure in hearing females perform country and western music.” Liar. Data says even women don’t like women singing, so what’s the deal??

“I even love the classics like Patsy Cline, Tammy Wynette, and Loretta Lynn,” sucks up Christian. “They didn’t get the due as they deserved in their time.” Patsy’s dead, loser, she’s not going to read this!

At press time, this subservient wimp was queuing up some Lori McKenna, to get in his feelings or whatever. 

Top 10 Biggest Jerks in 2000s Country

Some would imagine that the fan-friendly, upbeat country music scene of 2000-2009 would not be as likely to contain divas and d-bags as the more recent country music diaspora. Some would be very, very wrong. Here are some of the genre's most egregious offenders.

10. Jo Dee Messina

Brings a Coke can into church so she has somewhere to spit her dip. Constantly brags about her Peloton.

9. Billy Currington

Once fought with an old guy about a boat wake or something. [edit: being told this actually happened]

Considers his duet with Shania Twain the highpoint of her career.

8. Sara Evans

At concerts, will only perform her biggest hits as spoken word. Made Trick Pony use a utility closet as a dressing room when they opened for her. 

7. Brad Paisley

Working with legal team to get “dad jokes” copyrighted so he can sue everybody who uses the term. When people join his group text promotion, he sells their numbers to escort services.

6. Dierks Bentley

Publicly and profanely humiliates anyone who misspells his name. Eats Taco Bell on his bus. Uses the bathroom on his band’s bus.

5. Phil Vassar

Plays “Bobbi with an I” as his encore at concerts. Avoids eye contact with anyone shorter than him. Has an album of Drake covers coming out soon.

4. Cyndi Thomson

Bogarts the joint. “I Crossfit” is her entire Facebook bio. Won’t use the zipper merge in traffic.

3. Steve Holy

Cheats at foosball. Won’t flush a floater. Performs Tekashi 6ix9ine songs on Tik Tok. 

2. Mark Wills

Covers a Wheeler Walker Jr. song when he sees there are lots of kids at his concert. Still does the “flaming bag of shit” prank on neighbors despite being in his 40s. Has long conversations in front of what you need at Walmart.

1. John Rich

Wait, who authorized putting an actual jerk on here?

Antifa Coming to Your House to Make You Listen to Kane Brown

Reports from NewsPunisher.org indicate that the loosely organized progressive activist group Antifa is bored with ‘destroying American cities’ and is determined to spread their message to “racist suburban country fans.” 

According to News Punisher, Antifa President Don T. Exiss stated: “We at Antifa hate the comfort and antipathy of suburban America, so we’re coming for you! Tonight we say “f*** the city” and we move to the residential areas… the white hoods (and I mean that as in all white people who live in the suburbs and enjoy country music are Klan members, periodt)… and we take what’s ours!”

Source Karen Sellers of Bethesda, Maryland, says a busload of Antifa members checked into hotels in the area two days ago and have devious plans in mind. “I heard from a friend of mine that Antifa is coming to each of our houses personally to force us to listen to (country star) Kane Brown, and if we don’t become fans, they’ll burn our homes down! I’m locked and loaded, so I ain’t worried. I just love my Hank Jr. and Charlie Daniels and that’s it! MAGA!” said Sellers. 

When asked why they plan to inflict Kane Brown in particular upon the comfy conservatives, Exiss told us: “We could play Darius Rucker or Charley Pride, but even racists enjoy them, so we’ll be accomplishing the two-pronged goal of promoting a country artist who is a person of color, and also making the Repubs uncomfortable, because frankly, even we don’t like Kane’s music.” 

Lee “SDE” Fockerson of Benton, AR was huddled in his foyer cradling a shoulder fired rocket launcher at press time.

The Crud Report: June 2020