Nov 27, 2012
John Rich's Songwriting Tips #64
Sep 24, 2012
John Rich's Songwriting Tips #63
If you're writing a serious song to make people think, think your ass again. Country radio does not have "thinkers" as a target audience. If you're writing a serious song that pretends to make people think, I've got some advice for you. Throw in some depressing crap about the world and the recession or whatever and bazinga! I mean, I'm not personally affected by this terrible economy that is entirely the fault of Barack Hussein Obama, but I know that most of you little people are. Well, I did have to raise the price on drinks at my bar for ugly chicks but I ate the cost on the hotties. Anyway, back to the song. Relate to your audience and then present them with a solution. JESUS! You don't have to explain any further, just say Jesus is the answer! Sad song turned all around with the glory of the Lord. If it's a sad love song, make sure you say it was the dude's fault that things went wrong, even though we know that's never true. Women are evil, but they hold the purse-strings for most pansy-ass fellas so you gotta make 'em think they're always right. I keep mine in line by laying down pipe in the sack like a champ. The hillbilly Jedi givin' her the force if you know what I'm saying. Stop thinking about me naked and go write a damn song!
*Not actually written by John Rich
Aug 30, 2012
John Rich's Songwriting Tips #62
Jul 30, 2012
John Rich's Songwriting Tips #61
Jun 25, 2012
John Rich's Songwriting Tips #60
When you're writing a hit country song, you should appeal to all the senses. That would seem like common sense, but most songwriters don't have the common sense to know I need a bottle of ketchup when they bring my Denny's order. You should be able to use all 5 senses, at least in your imagination, when you hear a song played 15 times a day.
Don't just tell me the beer is good. Let me taste that Coors piss-water rolling cold and smooth like a Rocky Mountain river down my hard-work-parched throat. Don't just say it's a big truck. Make me feel tiny and insignificant in the presence of the full body rebel flag wrap, 37" mud grappler tires and 6" lift. Have me hear the crickets chirping in the night woods while your speakers are blaring Waylon, Willie, Johnny, Hank and Skynyrd. I wanna check that girl in cutoffs for ticks with my bare damn hands! Let me smell exhaust, sweat and teenage desperation!
Hell, even go for a sixth sense …just being able to predict you're gonna get some from that little country cutie in a few short minutes! Yeah buddy, I'm all jacked up now and I didn't even write the song… I just told your lazy ass how to!
Now get to it before I do! That's a platinum selling single in the making right there, you jackoffs.
*Not actually written by John Rich
May 2, 2012
John Rich's Songwriting Tips #59
Apr 18, 2012
John Rich's Songwriting Tips #58
When you're looking for inspiration to write a great country song, it's not hard to find. I look to a specific era of music bygone to enliven my creative spirit. It was a simpler time that all of us Nashville writers are trying to relive every day - 1988. It was a place where dreams were bought and sold, lived and lost - the Sunset Strip. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about dammit! Aquanet, spandex and groupies (that's my favorite part)…those were the glory days of music! Just turn on your radio, if you don't believe me. All us 33-45 year olds are remembering our lush mullets and ripped jeans as we write these country rockers and power ballads. If my creative tank is dry, just pull up the Crue on the iTunes and do what they did. Hell, it got them ugly f*ckers leg, it's gotta work for me, your Music Row Mackdaddy! I've even got a template set up, like Mad Libs. Just take, say "Girls, Girls, Girls," dial down the riffs a little, drop in your lyrics about making love in the bed of a Dodge, weave a minute amount of fiddle through the proceeding and VOILA bitches! You've got you a top 10 country hit that will make me a million, but nobody will remember by next month. That's how we do. So build up that collection of Faster Pussycat, Skid Row, GnR, Kix and Britny Fox and you can be a hit Nashville songwriter too!
*Not actually written by John Rich.
Mar 1, 2012
John Rich's Songwriting Tips #57
Today, like an NBA team tells Kim Kardashian, I've got a few tips for you.
1. Always have a notebook with your or make sure your smart phone has a note app. That way you can always write lists and lists of country things throughout your day. It's also handy for picking up them digits from the lovely ladies.
2. Let people critique your work. I don't have to do that, you understand, but you do. Put your songs or lyrics on message boards or whatever you little people do. If somebody doesn't like your work, curse them out and question their songwriting resume. Do they have FOUR F*CKIN' NUMBER ONE SONGS to their credit? I thought not!
3. Organize your ideas. Make sure not to get your drinking song lyrics mixed up with your mixed drink recipes and whatnot. Keep your booty-shaking song lyrics out of your sexual tryst diary. Be like a good bra, and keep 'em separated!
4. Don't feel bad throwing out your bad ideas. I'm not familiar with the concept of coming up with a bad idea for a song, but you probably are. Personally, I'm more of a mind to throw every thought that pops into my head against the wall and see what sticks like a booger. But my boogers are gold... gold baby!
*Not actually written by John Rich
Jan 17, 2012
John Rich's Songwriting Tips #56
Dec 5, 2011
John Rich's Songwriting Tips #55
Hey y'all. It's been a while huh. Well, I've got a little time here in the airport, so I thought I'd crap out a new songwriting tip for you. If you're a world traveler like Mr. Big Bad Too-Drunk-to-Fly here, you may wonder where in the hell you can find time to write your latest hit that sounds like everybody else's but with the words arranged differently. Well, airport bars are a f**king wonderful place to jot down sh*t on napkins while you hit on stewardesses and college girls. I just wrote this about an hour ago: "Hot little number from Arizona State/headin' home for holiday break/I'd like to take her in the lavatory/Give 'er a mile high ride on 'old glory'." Hell yeah, there's a patriotic anthem bitches! You never know when a brilliant idea like that might pop into your head. Huh huh, I said head. Man, the mixed drinks at airport bars are strong as a mother. I ain't drunk though, dumb ass stewardess and pilot. That's the last time I fly Southwest…oversensitive f*cks. Where was I? Oh yeah, you can write while you're waiting in the terminal too… I like to just pretend to write mostly, so people won't ask for my autograph or take pictures with me. Get that sh*t out of here, you can buy my autograph on E-bay like all the other peasants. Well, my limo from Nashville should be here in 12 hours or so, so I gotta get a little more drinking in before then. Later, turdburglars.
*not actually written by John Rich
Jul 11, 2011
John Rich's Songwriting Tips #54
Jun 30, 2011
John Rich's Songwriting Tips #53
May 23, 2011
John Rich's Songwriting Tips #52
May 12, 2011
John Rich's Songwriting Tips #51
Mar 20, 2011
John Rich's Songwriting Tips #50
Mar 1, 2011
John Rich's Songwriting Tips #49
Sizzle baby sizzle. If you have problems writing songs with depth, gravity or lasting significance, at least have the good sense to slap in as many puns, hip phrases and well-known axioms as humanly possible. If you can't do any of those things either, find yourself a duo of attractive females who appeal to the prime demographic and have them sing whatever crappy pop-country song you pull from your creativity-barren soul and foist them upon the unwitting public with a flashy video and well planned promotional campaign. Street teams are also helpful. In no time at all, these seeds should reap you a harvest of radio adds. Take it from Rich, even if you've got a Vienna sausage, if you talk it up enough, people will think it's a 2-foot kielbasa. Wisdom from the man who's slung it.
*Not actually written by John Rich.
Feb 10, 2011
John Rich's Songwriting Tips #48
Modern country songs are best written in comfort. In the old days, Hank Williams had a damn sawhorse with a board across it as a desk and his hot-ass backyard as an office. Simple surroundings = simple songs. Rich don't play dat. I set up shop in my plush personal writing space, complete with leather recliner, 52 inch HD television with internet hookup, a cold glass of Goose and a stogey. That's where I come up with my best music. This ain't 1983 anymore; mama's got a badass SUV and she ain't listening to no "Honky Tonkin'" in there… she wants something hip and familiar. So get yourself comfy and please her. If you don't, trust me, this outlaw country mackdaddy will do what it do!
*Not actually written by John Rich
Jan 6, 2011
John Rich's Songwriting Tips #47
Imagery is very important part of country music songwriting. It's not enough to say you drive a tractor, you have to describe the sweet ass sound system you put in it and how cold the air conditioning is in that bad boy. It's not enough to say "she's so pretty." Tell us how firm her buttocks are, how her gazongas fill up her sweater, how her supple skin looks in the moonllight... uh. I gotta go take care of something. Just remember to give the listeners the details. The devil's in there, and so is the cold hard caaaaash.