Farce the Music: Jason Aldean

Showing posts with label Jason Aldean. Show all posts

Feb 28, 2019

Honest Billboard Country Chart: Feb. '19

Feb 7, 2019

Jan 31, 2019

Clerks Country Reaction Gifs

How you line dance to a modern country song

Do you love The Steel Woods' new album?

What do you call people who drive around blasting Kane Brown?

Koe Wetzel just calls it Tuesday Morning

Walking in after you just scored Tyler Childers tickets

Your opinion on the country charts?

When Jason Aldean fans make fun of Thomas Rhett fans

Why do you listen to so much Ruston Kelly?

(Gifs from Clerks I & II)

Jan 30, 2019

Country TwitterWINs: January '19

Jan 16, 2019

The Next Smash for Jordan Lynch or Mitchell Davis or Whoever

If You Say I'm Not Country

I like sugar in my unsweet tea

And my Texas chili full of beans

And I'll be on your ass like jeans

If you say I'm not country

I like to hunt a little snipe

And eat honeysuckle when it's ripe

And mister I might pull a knife

If you say I'm not country

Cause I'm from where they sing about

in songs from Kenny and Tim

Down there on that ol' rural route

Where I have definitely been

Church and mama and all that stuff

And girls sweet as Georgia plums

If you say I'm not, I'll call your bluff

I'm as country as they come

I love to crank those old outlaw songs

Turn up the Brantley and sing along

I'll throw hands and prove you wrong

If you say I'm not country

Cause I love me a Grizzly pouch

There's red on my neck skin

From working tater fields down south

Where I have definitely been

Shine and biscuits and all that stuff

And girls sweet as Georgia plums

If you say I'm not, I might get rough

I'm as country as they come

Bridge

You can say I use snap beats

You can say I'm auto-tuned

But you can't say I'm not country

Just look at my Aldean tattoo

Yeah I'm from where they sing about

in songs from Kenny and Tim

Down there on that ol' rural route

Where I have definitely been

Church and mama and all that stuff

And girls sweet as Georgia plums

If you say I'm not, I'll call your bluff

I'm as country as they come

Dec 13, 2018

What Your Favorite 2018 Album Says About You 3

Brothers Osborne - Port Saint Joe

You smoke dope and vote Democrat, but don't want your dad to find out.

Morgan Evans - Things That We Drink To

Wait, who??

6ix9ine - Dummy Boy

You were fired from your job at Walgreens for having purple hair (but really it was for stealing pills).

Ghost - Prequelle

Your idea of a good time is reading about serial killers on Wikipedia. You dabbled in satanism in high school, but now are a Lutheran.

MTHRFCKR - Micro Crystals

You are too much of a hipster contrarian to admit this album doesn't actually exist.

Eric Church - Desperate Man

You love how Eric is such a renegade and so different from all those other bro-dudes on country radio, but your favorite song of his is "These Boots."

The Carters - Everything is Love

You will send me death threats if I say this album wasn't that good.

Eminem - Kamikaze

You are male, mid-thirties, single, and still argue with your parents over the rent for your room over the garage.

Sun Kil Moon - This is My Dinner

You are a military interrogator and this is your "favorite" only in that it is the most effective torture device to get enemy combatants to reveal information.

Greta Van Fleet - Anthem of the Peaceful Army

You are a forty-something dad who respects Led Zeppelin but doesn't really like them. Your ex-wife is still living pretty comfortably off the divorce settlement, but sells LulaRoe and essential oils on Facebook for extra cash.

Jason Aldean - Rearview Town

You didn't actually listen to the whole album, just the singles. You type things on Facebook like "Sam Hunt sucks… listen too real country like Jason Aldean an Old Dominion!"

Oct 26, 2018

Spiteful Aldean Vows to Never Release Another Good Single

Fake News Classics

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Thursday, August 06, 2015

Breaking the one-decent-single-per-album trend that has characterized his career thus far, country superstar Jason Aldean vowed on Thursday to never release a good song to radio again.

"I'm sick and tired of these bloggers and old people and jealous haters deriving pleasure from any of my songs," Aldean told Country California. "If they're going to talk trash about all my other terrible - but focus group tested for maximum chart impact - singles, why should I give them a 'Flyover States' or anything else they might actually kinda enjoy?"

Aldean, the singer of "Amarillo Sky," has seemingly grown more jaded and irritable in recent years, likely due to critical 'bro-country' backlash and social media commentary about his romantic affairs.

"I don't owe anybody a damn thing, especially people who don't like the two to three predictably moronic party anthems I generally release to country radio in each album cycle - it's all or nothing, you jackasses," said a frowning Aldean after announcing the godawful "Gonna Know We Were Here" as his newest single.

Many of Aldean's so-called haters expected the final single from Old Boots, New Dirt to be the ear-pleasing "Two Night Town," as it has been Aldean's pattern to balance two or three sh*ttacular songs per album with at least one single that suggests he actually would have the talent to not be such a commerce-driven cliché of an artist if he were so inclined.

"Nobody will ever hear a 'The Truth' or a 'Night Train' from me again unless they dig into the deep album cuts," promised Aldean. "I'm not in the business of putting out intelligent or emotionally authentic songs that a Sturgill Simpson fan might find himself enjoying, despite misgivings."

"Screw those guys."

Sep 12, 2018

The Current Poop of Country Radio: September '18

A poop emoji is negative, a strike-thru is positive.

The current Poop Rating of the Mediabase Top 20 is (-14) overall which is a 16 point rise from June (the last time we did this chart). After June's worst score of all time, this is heartening. The best song on the chart is Eric Church's "Desperate Man" The worst is Dylan Scott's pointless "Hooked." There are 2 solo women on the charts and one song by the female-led Sugarland.

Chart info from Mediabase/Country Aircheck.