Real Americana Hero

Single Review: Thomas Rhett - Crash and Burn

Thomas Rhett loves him some Bruno Mars. He's made that clear in past interviews. He even covered Mars' "When I Was Your Man" for a one-off single. So? Big deal, you say. Most of us like Bruno Mars; he of throwback rhythms, sock-hop soul, and late night come ons. Mars appeals to teens and olds alike with his general classiness and big, catchy smash hits that are ubiquitous to movie soundtracks, kiddie dance teams, trendy clubs, and awards show spectaculars alike. That's all true, but Thomas Rhett is a country singer, or at least when he filled out the job application his dad handed him, he checked off "country singer" on the Preferred Specialty field.

"Crash and Burn," Rhett's new single, may not be the least country single ever released to country radio (Sam Hunt and Jerrod Niemann have something to say about that), but it continues the push away from anything resembling Hank, Waylon, Tammy, Alan, or hell, Garth… that the Nashville machine continues to support. On the plus side, at least it errs by going the classy-pop-R&B route rather than the trashy-hick-hop route of most of Rhett's peers, but still …it's not country. It's catchy as hell, but it's not country.

The vocals are decent enough, but the performance fairly lacking in the soul you might expect from a tune like this. The songwriting is solid (Chris Stapleton's name is on it after all), it's the production that does all the damage. Snaps, claps, whistles, beats… (I'm not sure I hear a single stringed instrument in there). The backing vocal (which I believe is an unfortunately disguised Stapleton) at times even sounds like that great country music icon, Nelly.

Mainstream country has been trying to rebrand the "country" in its genre name as "every type of music popular in the country called America" rather than "rural music" for a while now. The argument can be made that Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton (at times), Garth Brooks and others already took country away from its roots with their crossover music and that it's all cyclical… but I'm not sure it is anymore. Cyclical now means trading one non-country trend for another, bro-country for EDM for blue-eyed soul for who knows what's next. I'm doubtful the cycle will ever return to traditional or even neo-traditional.

"Crash and Burn" isn't a flashpoint or a particularly aggressive slight against all traditional country fans hold dear; it's just another signpost in a great genre's loss of identity. This sounds like a smash hit; I just wish it was on pop radio alongside Bruno.


-Trailer

Kelsea Ballerini Isn't Choosy

There Can Only Be One Donkey

10 Worst Country Singles of 2014

Worst Country Singles of 2014


1. Jerrod Niemann - Donkey
Four of the worst singles in country music history were released in 2014 and Jerrod Niemann was responsible for 50% of those. Well done, jackass. In attempts to "change with the times" and "stay hip" and "get it turnt up to 100 with the young people," Niemann put out 2 bombs I can't even listen to without looking for the Pepto. One of those actually managed to become a #1 hit. This one, thankfully, utterly torpedoed the current phase of Niemann's career. I don't wish harm upon his ability to earn money and provide for his family, but I'm very happy that he's going to have to stop sucking to become relevant again. "Donkey" is sexist, stupid, arrogant, and repugnant. Try again, Niemann.


2. Jason Aldean - Burnin' It Down
Four of the worst singles in country music history were released in 2014 and Jason Aldean put out the sleaziest of those 4. I'm glad I didn't grow up in a generation in which enough of the target demographic thought this was sexy enough to make it a hit. "Burnin' It Down" is about as sexy as skid marks on silk panties. The fact that this piece of crap is from somebody about as worthy of hero-worship as John Edwards makes it all the more gag-inducing.


3. Florida-Georgia Line - Sun Daze
This song is about dumbasses smoking dope on a Sunday and having sex where food is prepared. What more do you need to hate it? There's whistling, fake reggae approximations, white boy slang, and not even enough of a melody to make it accidentally get stuck in your head. If hanging out with sexual harassment-prone douchebag burnouts whose goal in life is to collect wallet chains and sunglasses is your thing, by all means, get your Sun Daze on. I'll be over here listening to Sturgill.


4. Jerrod Niemann - Drink to That All Night
The verses of this song are delivered in a fashion that it can be classified as neither talk singing nor rapping; he sounds disinterested, and who can blame him? This is a staccato, autotuned mess of cliches and swagger that makes me prefer flipping Jerrod the bird over throwing my hands up high. Mainstream country's need to include every genre or trend from the Hot 40 is perplexing, pathetic and cringe-inducing. This garbage song is symbolic of country's identity crisis in 2014. Jerrod Niemann has talent, but this year he chose to chase a buck over finding a sustainable and signature sound to develop himself into a career artist. If he continues on this path, he'll be a Wikipedia footnote about two-thousand-teens country music.



5. Cole Swindell - Chillin' It
Cole seems like a nice enough guy. However, his 2014 stardom seems more the end product of good connections over actual talent. Luke Bryan's former merch guy karaokes his way through this potboiler of a summer anthem with all the conviction of a nervous 8th grader doing his first persuasive speech about the dangers of asbestos removal in Mrs. Latham's third block Thursday class. It's also about that interesting. The production isn't much better either. It's probably the first example of bro-country lite that seems to be taking over the airwaves lately: less obnoxious songs about trucks and girls that are no less uninteresting if a bit friendlier. This is the audio equivalent of peanut butter on toast for supper. I hope he was a better merchandise manager.

6. Maggie Rose - Girl in Your Truck Song

7. Raelynn - God Made Girls
 

8. Chase Rice - Ready Set Roll

9. FGL/Luke Bryan - This is How We Roll

10. Brantley Gilbert/Thomas Rhett/Justin Moore - Small Town Throwdown

Dishonorable mention: Scotty McCreery - Feelin' It

Missing Artist Report

Buzz Back Meme

Monday Morning Memes: Garth, Sam Hunt, Dallas Davidson

Country TwitterFAIL: July '14

*if you think he's the best, why can't you be bothered to spell his name right?

Little Known Facts: July '14

By Trailer and Jeremy Harris

If you don't use American made fireworks to celebrate Independence Day, 

Toby Keith will come to your house and put a boot up your ass.

Chase Rice's college football career was cut short due to an injury sustained in a tragic keg stand mishap.

Scott Borchetta doesn't mind if you question his business decisions and ethics, 

but if you say one word about his perm he will end you.

The average Luke Bryan fan can type 49 werds per minute.

Jerrod Niemann wants you to know that it was his record label's idea to release "Donkey." 

In fact, he didn't even want it on the album. In fact, that's not even him singing on the track. 

Seriously, guys.

Colt Ford is a really nice guy until you remind him that his music completely sucks ass.

Tim McGraw wants you to know that it was his record label's idea to release "Lookin' for That Girl." In fact…

Justin Moore only drinks top shelf liquor, unless he's alone and can't reach it.

Martina McBride stopped doing festival dates with bro-country acts 

because their fans would all wave American flags during "Independence Day."

In a recent competition to find country music's best looking beard, 

Whitey Morgan came in second behind Miranda Lambert.

Kenny Chesney once broke up a clothes-ripping brawl between Faith Hill and Shania Twain 

backstage at the CMAs. Said Ronnie Dunn, who witnessed the whole thing, "Chesney's a dumbass."

New country artist Walker Chase Blake hopes to stand out from the crowd with his new rap-tinged

single "Blah blah something about kisses at night or whatever."

Johnny Cash had an amazing collection of 19th century guns and antique books. 

Brantley Gilbert has a pretty sweet collection of glass pipes and Juggs magazines.

Jerrod Niemann Wants You to Forget

Ding Dong, the Donkey's Dead

Jerrod Niemann's horrendous "Donkey" has apparently been pulled from radio and Arista will try

to pretend it never happened with "Buzz Back Girl" on July 14.

Granny Niemann

A Little Good News

For the second week in a row, "Donkey" has had either a loss or no gain in airplay. One more and it's gone. Keep your fingers crossed. Even mainstream listeners have some level of standards, apparently.

Monday Morning Memes: Drunk Luke Fan, Chase Rice, etc.

Jerrod Niemann: Firm in His Convictions

Being Mean to Jerrod Niemann Again

Monday Morning Memes: Luke Bryan, FGL, Donkey

Nashville: A Drinking Town With a Country Problem

*And this is not an exhaustive list...

Little Known Facts: June '14

Brantley Gilbert says the greatest inspirations for his vocal style are

Christian Bale's Batman, 60-grit sandpaper, and hemorrhoids.

Despite his religion-questioning and open-minded lyrics, Sturgill Simpson actually

attends Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist's church several times a year.

Webster's dictionary defines a one-man-band as an individual that can not

properly do one of the four things needed to be an entertainer well, so they do five things at once.

A Tijuana Mexico newspaper recently named Jerrod Niemann

"public enemy number one" due to his single "Donkey" giving donkeys a bad name.

The same night that Luke Bryan fell off the stage,

Tim McGraw fell through an air conditioner vent on stage.

The Devil has reported a 99% increase in music battle victories

in the state of Georgia over the last three years.

Randy Houser did'nt approve of this fact but he did proofread it.

Rolling Stone Country recently interviewed Tom Arnold and asked him

who his favorite country singer was. He replied "Nobody is

better than Sturgill Simpson but I can most relate with Blake Shelton."

Carrie Underwood and Miranda Lambert's "Something Bad" was originally

the winner of a "Write a Song Even Aerosmith Wouldn't Cut" contest in 1998.

'We Hate Pop Country' did not write this fact, but they may adapt it into a meme in the future.

Chad Kroeger of Nickleback currently has pending lawsuits against twelve

of the top 25 artists on the Billboard country charts for copyright infringement.

In a recent interview Shooter Jennings stated that he has always looked up to Little Jimmy Dickens.

In 2009 Tyler Farr caught laryngitis. He still has it.

Brantley Gilbert also caught something that year.

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Most of these by Jeremy Harris.