Showing posts with label John Rich. Show all posts
Showing posts with label John Rich. Show all posts

Apr 7, 2015

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #73

If you're in the mood to write a song, but don't have any cash-money ideas, sit your fat ass down on your pleather couch and start free-associating! This is pretty much the opposite of work, so you lazy bastards should have a field day with this. First word that pops into your head? Write that sumbitch down. My word is "mezzanine" because I'm looking at the mezzanine of my humble abode. Your house doesn't have a mezzanine?? Oh my bad. Maybe you should free associate more, bitches! Anyway, take that first word you come up with. Yours is probably "overdraft" or "Redbox" or some shit like that. Take that word and see what the next thing that pops into your head associated with that word is. Mine is "courvoisier." So my song would start out being about drinking Courvousier on the mezzanine. Just let that shit develop from there… Courvousier on the mezzanine with a hot latina who studied film at Universidad Americana de Acupulco. That's where my song is headed. Where's yours going? Sipping Steel Reserve on the pleather couch with a fat hag who just lost her job at the strip mall… I'm just guessing, no offense. From this point, use your imagination to fill in a story about the imagery you've just brought to light. Find a theme to tie it all together into a relatable chorus about moonlight and partying, and you've got yourself Frankie Ballard's next top 5 smash! Don't aim too high just yet if you're not me. You've still got to walk before you can run the mofo'ing marathon like yours truly, the pasty skinned Rico Suave, but a start is a start. I hope this brilliant songwriting tip gets you a ton of "views" on your lame-ass songwriting message board, you Ramen-eating peasants. In a dozen years or so, maybe you'll be at the point I was when I helped found Lonestar. Get writing!





*not actually written by John Rich

Oct 13, 2014

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #72

Mailbag time again!
Josh in Ohio asks: How do you write a sexy song and still keep it safe for radio?
Me: Well, you just have to use certain words to mean certain other words. Be creative. Need to say "give her the shocker?" Say instead: "one in the sugar, two in the honey." Wanna mention getting a handy in the F-150? Say "I let her work the shift." It's pretty easy, really. I mean, do you think FGL's "pink umbrella" wasn't meant to be "my big ol' hog?"

Lisa in Texas asks: I'm a singer/songwriter trying to get a foot in the door in Nashville. What's the best first step?
Me: Let me ask you something Lisa. What do you look like? Shoot me a soul-revealing photo and I'll see what I can do. If you're attractive, I can probably give you a little one on one. If you're an ugly, you should probably go the Americana route.

Chris in California asks: Do you keep Big & Rich together because your songwriting career isn't exactly the toast of the town these days?
Me: You little snotty piece of shit. What do you know about my songwriting? I've got 3 holds and 26 upcoming writing sessions with comely young recent Nashville residents. I have more songwriting knowledge in my left nut than you'll ever have in your pathetic basement living existence. I dare you to come to a show and say that to my face.

Well, that was another enlightening round of Q&A for you guys! Until next time, this is your sexy white cowboy homie signing off!


*not actually written by John Rich

Jul 25, 2014

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #71


Look, sex sells. I'm living proof of that. I mean, I'm a pretty damn good songwriter, but if it weren't for my dashing good looks and ass that won't quit, I'd be just another Jamey Johnson. All that said, it's okay to put a little booty in your country song. Times have changed and you ain't gotta be shy about a good f**kin' song. Now, you can't say "f**kin'" or anything but you can use euphemisms and innuendo to your advantage. Instead of saying "I wanna put my big ol' c*** in your ****y," you might soften it a little like "Let me churn your waters with my outboard motor." Or, instead of "Your big t*****s get me hard," you might go with something more romantic like "Your Hank t-shirt makes my Bocephus sing." See, it's not that difficult. You can appeal to the female demographic and the horny bros at the same time. Write you an outline of a lovely night tapping ass in a long-bed parked on the water tower road and fill it in with some details that make the ladies swoon. Stuff like: a girl dressed in nothin' but a flower in her hair, handprints in steam on the windows of your Ford, a threesome because you love both of them so much you couldn't choose. Classy shit like that. Get writing, bitches!



*not actually written by John Rich

May 2, 2014

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #70


The only tip I have for you today is to call your local damn radio station and request "Look at You." People still do that, right?

Today, I'mma just teach you some songwriting vocab, beatchez. I don't have to use any of these fancy methods or follow generally accepted songwriting rules, but your dumb ass does.

Assonance: No, it ain't when get so drunk you fall on a fireant hill naked. Yeah, I did that joke once before already… just like I did your mama. Assonance is when you repeat vowel sounds in words close to one another in a song. Here is that concept in action:
"I would put my foot in your butt"
That's a million dollar line right there. Steal it and I sue your ass.
©John Rich

Onomatopoeia: This describes words that imitate actual sounds. It's so easy a caveman can do it, so I'm surprised Dallas Davidson hasn't written a whole song of grunts and whistles by now. Onomatohoweverthehellyouspellit is like when you say "Slurp slurp out behind the bushes" or "Vroom vroom while my speakers boom."
©John Rich

Alliteration:  This is when you repeat the beginning sound of words in a song line (or poetry, if you swing that way).
Here's another big money example:
"She took off her top in the back of my truck"
©John Rich
That was fun! Let's crank out another one.
"Tan lines and t****ies and tall boys, oh my!"
©John Rich

Now, go get your little notepad and Walmart practice guitar out and work on your writing so you don't have to clean tables at the IHOP anymore. I was paying my dues while you were playing with your Tamagotchi, so while you're practicing, I'll be PIMPIN' as usual. Peace out.




*Not actually written by John Rich

Jan 29, 2014

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #69


Songwriting is about staying hip and relevant to pop culture and youth. If you wanna be an "artist" and play to 26 people in a Birmingham dive, that's your thing, but it's stupid. Authenticity is overrated. Nobody ever bought a Bugatti with honesty. I never heard of somebody putting a down payment on a 32,000 square foot house with integrity. I choose success. I choose big wheels on a big truck. I choose ballin', son! If you wanna roll like Mr. Johnny Rich, keep your ear to the winds of change. So what if you've got a voice like Chris Isaak? Has he gone platinum lately? Nah. Tim McGraw sounds like a weasel stuck in a carburetor normally, but he's got the most added song at country radio right now. Why? He knows how to follow trends and compromise himself for monetary gain. It's the American way, tricks. Jerrod Niemann was going nowhere as a "country singer/songwriter" until he started rapping and dropping the bass. Now he's pimpin' pimpin'! You see how it works. Drop your best intentions. Adjust your sails and let the fickle tide of adolescent whims guide your path to a Tag Heuer. Beeleeeeve dat!


*Not actually written by John Rich

Jan 7, 2014

It Was So Cold in Nashville Yesterday...


John Rich had to stay home and get plastered

158 hotties wearing cut-offs died of exposure

Luke Bryan had to pull out the skinny long-johns


Gary Levox had to have a gravy boat frozen to his tongue removed by the fire department

Wynonna turned bluish orange

Dallas Davidson wrote a song called "Ho on My Snowmobile"

Taylor Swift had to break up with boyfriends by text message

Brantley Gilbert fans had to warm themselves with meth lab burners


Justin Moore was lost in a 4" snow drift

Jamey Johnson slipped and shattered his beard



Oct 2, 2013

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #68


There's a lot of talk about too many "truck songs" and drinking songs lately. People who should mind their own damn business and go get laid are saying Nashville produces too many songs with the same themes. So what, butt-itcher? If they're making that cold hard cash, ain't no need in changing course. You're just jealous! BUT, and that's a big but (I'm a fan of big buts), if somehow those people are correct and things are starting to get a little stagnant and overdone around here, I have a solution. To avoid the over-use of words like truck and tailgate, here are some other words songwriters can use to convey to the listeners that they are in fact talking about a truck without saying "truck": floorboard, bed, AIRRAID, toolbox, Raptor, step-side, lifted, Ram, bed rails, bed liners, bed caps, bed rail caps, step plates, bed protectors, stake pocket covers, tie down, handle covers, chrome pillar trim, door edge guards, F-250, dust-guard, Maxxis, bumper guides, bull bar, runner bar, Nitto, light bar, grille guard, push bar, Daystar, roll bar, nerf bar, running boards, tube steps, step bar, Mickey Thompsons, IONs, taillight guard, roll pan, rocker panel, hitch cover, truck nuts, hood scoop, bug deflector, hood guard, mud flaps, skid plates, dually, fender, bumper cover, mudders, Dick Cepeks, swampers, grapplers, grabbers, boggers, air dam, Supercrew, crew, Supercab, cab, bench, Hemi, Smittybilt, WARN, winch, hydraulic, HiLites, Skyjacker…. whew. I could go on, but just shoot me a Tweet if you want more. I know I mentioned drinking songs too. You should bone up on words other than "cold one," "beer" and "shine" to let your dumbass listeners know you're singing about drinking. I would provide some handy-dandy descriptions and synonyms for ya but I've got some drinking of my own to do, bitches. Now go forth and prosper or whatever.





*Not actually written by John Rich.

Sep 4, 2013

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #67


Don't worry about giving the audience what they want. F**k the audience - they don't have a clue what they want. Give them what you know they will buy because radio will play it over and over until they mindlessly open iTunes and click the little 1.29 button. Secret: The customer is actually smart enough that they'd love to hear something that took you more than 15 minutes with 3 co-writers to shit out, but they don't need to know that. They are so numbed out by the daily grind and beaten down by a full schedule and worryin' about Obamacare that they don't even have time to worry about putting quality into their ears. Therefore, you as the songwriter don't have to worry about quality. Hell, if Luke Bryan can be a megastar, that whole "accounting for taste" thing is out the door with the Tuesday morning trash. All you need to concern yourself with, cracka, is writing a song about what goes on away from the office, as long as it is something positive. Like sex, driving around, drinking a beer, watching some football or lighting a big-ass bonfire in close proximity to some trucks. Maybe throw in a beat that slightly resembles that dopey rap song that topped the charts in 1992. Honkies love to be reminded of "Rump Shaker" while they're drinking cheap beer by their chimenea in the backyard or stuck on I-20 West with 3 minutes to get to work. Don't worry about art or expressing yourself. Just give the dumbass radio listener something to nod their head to while they drive to the cubicle and you will rule the charts, son. 


*Not actually written by John Rich.

May 24, 2013

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #66



When she's co-writing a song, Taylor Swift starts off the session with a little girl talk. You know, gossiping about shit, complaining about this week's famous boyfriend and stuff like that. Well, you can take that bit of trivia nobody really cares about and translate it to your co-writing. And yeah, co-writing, because if you're gonna be anybody in Nashville you can't do it sitting in your apartment with your wiener in one hand and a writing pad in the other. 

When I meet up with my writing buddies, I break out the scotch, porno mags and cigars to break the ice. That way, they're all chilled out and won't get butthurt when I shoot down their stupid ideas. A little guy talk can start things off too. You know, sports, Kate Upton's boobs, sports, hamburgers, sports... Then maybe they'll start picking the guitar a little and singing a line that's been stuck in their head all day. I pour 'em a little more drinky-drink and change the subject for a minute. That's when I whip my thing out. ...My song I already wrote before they got there, what did you think I meant? I'll play 'em the song, which is generally about 40-year-olds doing 20-year-old activities or some kind of weepy song about Jesus saving a hooker or some shit. They like it and attempt to change a couple of lines. I take out my collection of authentic ninja stars and remark how accurate I am inside 15 feet. They decide the song is perfect as is. I let them change one word and then add their name to the song, because usually they have a better reputation around town or haven't burned the ever-lovin' shit out of a bridge I want the song to cross. There you have it. Paydirt mofos!

Looking back at this particular songwriting tip, I'm not sure how it applies to you, the wet-behind-the-ears Starbucks barista who can't write his or her way out of the paper sack your forty ounce supper came in, but I'm sure there's some bit of knowledge you can glean. Chin up bro!




*Not actually written by John Rich

Feb 27, 2013

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #65

I've already told you before that me and my boy Big Kenny were the originators and the innovators of hick-hop along with our big black cowboy compadre, Mr. Cowboy Troy. What you may not know, as a white-bread honky from whatever shit town you came to Nashvegas from, is how to write a hick-hop song. Big & Rich were before their time getting crunk son, so I know how to make them Benjies, yo. Get on this new trend and make that bankroll while it's hot, dawg! What you do is to tune in to the urban station for at least an hour a day. Pick up some slang and some swagga for your lyrics. Next, you get yourself a black friend. Maybe you could meet one at the Starbucks and be like "'Sup homey, you wanna chill?" As you converse with your new bro, listen to his or her cadence and how they put phrases together. Ask them about their culture and home life and act interested so you can gain their trust. Maybe even say something like "Hey bru-main, if you was to talk about a girl wearing cut-offs in a pickup truck in a field, how would you say it?" This is a sneaky way to get them to write lyrics for you... just make sure to have the voice recorder going on your phone when you do this research. Next up is actually writing the song. Get yourself some dank ganja and blaze up a spliff. Pour you a glass of Courvoisier and kick back in your full leather recliner with a generic beat track you stole off the internet playing on your iPad and get to laying down 16 bars! It really is that easy. Between the verses, make sure to place a catchy chorus with rearranged lyrics from a Florida-Georgia Line song and BAM. Next thing you know, you'll be the baddest cracka in the gated community! Put some extra 'Ohs' in yo bank account, kid. MAKE IT RAIN ON DEM COUNTRY HOEZ!!!!


*Not actually written by John Rich

Nov 27, 2012

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #64




Think outside the box. Write from your own unique perspective. Tell an old story in a new way. This is advice losers give aspiring songwriters. Does anybody who followed those guidelines have a top 10 hit under their belt (or a big swinging tallywacker under their belt)? Hell no. Do any of those p***ies have a house the size of a community college? Do they have an elevator in their home with a full bar? Do they have f**kin' spotlights shining their glory upon the Nashville skyline? The answer again is hell no. So who are you going to listen to? Somebody who had a #34 hit in 1996 and now makes a living doing songwriter conferences or teaching creative writing has no business telling you how to bank them John Rich dollaz, homey. At Mt. Richmore, we do it big. We do it right. We research the Billboard charts and find the common threads that make the morons call their local station and request the latest "my by-God truck has tires bigger than your mama's beer gut" song. Screw originality. And I don't mean make sweet country lovin' to it, I mean, bend it over and give it to originality hard with no KY. You do for you and if you're like me, doing for you is doing for them big face bills. So in summary, think inside the box, write with the zombie masses in mind and tell old stories the same old damn way. Just throw in a few different truck accessories that weren't mentioned on the last top 10 Florida-Georgia Line smash. If you want to be an artist, move to San Francisco and decorate interiors or whatever those people do when they're not tearing down America. America was built on the backs of stupid people and a fool and his money are soon giving that money to me. Believe that, homeslice.



*Not actually written by John Rich.

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