Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Alan Jackson - Long Way to Go

Alan Jackson - Long Way to Go

I was excited to see that Alan Jackson, the singer of the wonderful gospel album Precious Memories, had a new song out. Then I listened to "Long Way to Go."

A few words come to mind as this wretched song plays: hypocrite, backslider, Pharisee, lip server. Apparently this great gospel music singer also has a side-career as a forsaken secular country singer.

I had hoped in my heart of hearts that the "long way to go" was the narrow path through this sinful world, but my hopes were dashed on the salty rim of a bug-ridden margarita glass. This song is about drinking alcoholic beverages to rid the mind and heart of "women that had done us wrong."

Lord, what are we to do when even the supposed "good" people of the entertainment world also dabble in the humanistic pursuits of this mortal coil? Who are we to look to? I fear for a world where young mop-haired girl singing about "baby baby baby" is held up as a paragon of virtue. Et tu Alan Jackson?

Alcohol has no good use other than cleansing barbed wire fence wounds. Let's take a look at some notable Biblical examples of the evils of His Satanic Majesty's beverage of choice.

"Noah became drunk; the result was immorality and family trouble" Genesis 9:20-26

"Nabal died after a drunken spree" 2 Samuel 13:28-29

And the most important verse in the entire Bible:

"If a Christian brother is a drinker, do not associate with him." 1 Corinthians 5:11

Mr. Jackson, I de-associate myself with you, brother. Alcohol is not a solution, it is the problem. It leads to stronger drugs. It makes people enjoy Jason Aldean music. It causes accidents forewarned by "Hey y'all watch this." It led to my daughter's shotgun marriage due to her impregnation.

Damn you evil spirits. And I pray for you, Alan.

F

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews:

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Josh Abbott Band with Kacey Musgraves - Oh, Tonight

Trailer has assigned yet another Texas country artist for me to review. I think he's purposely antagonizing you Texas people. I personally don't have anything against Texans, other than what I may have said in the past - which may have been skewed by a bit too much caffeine from my wife's sweet tea. Jesus even loves Lone Star State residents. Most in the Austin metropolitan area are on his watch list, however.

The lead singer sounds like he's chewing on a piece of straw or something while he sings. The female has an angelic voice; she should go into gospel music. But she just asked him to "kiss me on the mouth." Hmm, I don't even do that to my wife, and we are actually bound by Holy matrimony. If this couple isn't married, well, I won't say mouth kissing is sin, but it's a golden gateway to temptation… and they are certainly courting that darkest of all sins - sexual impurity. I hope they wear their Purity Rings at all times.

There's really not a lot to this song… it sounds pretty good for secular music and the only other sin that's plainly mentioned is pride. I consider this a lesser sin… I have been guilty of it a few times. I sometimes take pride in the way I look in a finely pressed, creased and starched Walmart suit. Sometimes I notice some of the blue-haired old ladies staring at me in those sharp creases like I'm a Jello mold or something. It's creepy to be honest, yet I persevere in delivering the Good Word to those biddies.

Anyway, all-in-all, this tune is not nearly as devious as most of what Texas and Nashville usually pass off as entertainment. Be warned however, that some of the themes and concepts in this song can lead to unsavory thoughts in the eyes of the Lord. Care is advised.

C-

(and you thought they'd all be F's)

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Casey Donahew Band

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Casey Donahew Band - "Let Me Love You"

This guy is one of those Texas country singer/songwriters, so you know pride is his greatest sin. Those people think they are God's gift to this planet with all their "everything's bigger in Texas" jive. He's already got a strike against him.

Strike number two is the cover of this single. I'm not sure if he's trying to look lustful (sin) or lusty (sin), but either way… he looks creepier than my Aunt Bernadine did the time she hit on me at a dinner on the grounds, before she knew we were related.

Now we get to the meat of the matter: the song. It's about him wanting his woman to let him have sexual intercourse with her despite his wandering ways. This is selfish, beyond the obvious iniquities of the flesh. Can't this girl move on to another suitor more deserving of her womanly charms than a sleazy looking musician who's never home? She should settle down with some nice preacher's son or missionary so she can slide into God's desired role for her as a servant of man. Instead, she's supposed to wait around, working at the Walmart photo lab or somesuch, for the perverse come-ons of a pervy looking country music singer?

I believe that "let your arms feel my fire" is code for "let me stick my pecker into your hoo-hoo." For shame! There is no mention that he is married to this woman!

By the sounds of this song, I'd say Mr. Donahew (is he related to that liberal scum, Phil?) is aiming to have his song played on national radio. It's all catchy and shiny and perfect. The desire for riches is also a sin.

Does this man's (and this man's band's) impure desires know no bounds? He needs to get into a church and pray to God that he can be shown the error of his vulgar ways.

I was ashamed to even hear this trifle humanistic song. It made my manparts quiver in ways that the Lord does not approve of. I have already confessed and been forgiven of this sin. After

washing my lower extremities with water that I blessed myself, I have rated this song:

F

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Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Justin Moore - If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away

Justin Moore - If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away

I was excited for a moment when I read the title of this new country music composition. It even started off nice enough too. But as you might expect, things went to the opposite of Heaven pretty quickly.

Mr. Moore ponders the things he might do if Heaven weren't beyond the reach of human hands. Well, Justin, if Heaven were as far as from here to Greenwood, MS, who would even care to go there once their earthly toil were finished? I don't even want to go to Greenwood, for that matter. It smells like rotten eggs and soybeans.

As spotless as my record has been (after that short stint with the pill-popping Gypsies in college), I might even turn to a life of worldliness if Heaven wasn't a perfect escape from this sinful plot of soil and strip malls.

In John, Jesus tells us that he has gone to prepare a place for us and will come and get us later on. He DOES NOT say to drop by when you're on furlough from the prison. Where's the specialness in that? If we could drop in and visit Aunt Martha any old time (not that I want to, I bet she still has that B.O. problem), there would be no sorrow in this world to teach us the benefit of withholding pleasure. People might be having unsanctioned intercourse in the streets with that little inherent limit on desire.

That's not even the worst thing about this song. Justin claims he'd visit his "ol' huntin' dog" if he could. Animals are not in Heaven. They do not have a soul, therefore, they just return to the rotting soil from hence they were produced. Sorry PETA.

He also says that Janis Joplin is in Heaven. Heaven forbid! If that skank has passed through the Pearly Gates with the Lord's permission… I'd rather stay down here with the dead puppies and kitties. That woman did more drugs every night than my son-in-law did at Ole Miss his entire 8 year college tenure.

In summary, this is a profane and irreligious song gussied up with spiritual subject matter to fool country radio listeners into reducing Heaven to a figurative and demeaned idyll. I wish no part of the knee-high to a stink bug Mr. Moore's debauched entertainment.

F!

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist: Honky Tonk Badonkadonk

Trace Adkins - Honky Tonk Badonk-a-donk

My son-in-law Jerry, a Southern Baptist, tells me that "badonkadonk" refers to the female buttocks. This song is about a bar-hopping woman's rear end? Really? Who, in their right mind, would view a voluptuous harlot as a fitting partner? I guess this appeals to the base interests inherent in the human male, but those of us who have ascended above the lusts and whims of sin find no appeal in the part of the homosapien that exists only for providing a comfortable cushion on church pews and office chairs or parting to release feces. Viewing a woman's derriere as some signifier of their worth as a marital partner is certainly of the Dark Lord. It is my belief that another demon gets it's black wings every time a man says "whoo-whee" or "Mmh!" about a nicely proportioned "badonkadonk." This part of the anatomy is not even used in the procreation of the species so it defies me why it is such an identifier of sexual attractiveness. Jerry says my daughter has an aesthetically pleasing rear end. Why he felt the need to let me know this I do not fully comprehend. Finding a job should be his primary interest, not the backside of my offspring. Anyway, Trace Adkins is a perverse individual who is only concerned with promoting immorality for financial gain. One only need hear his recent song "Brown Chicken Brown Cow," which Jerry said is a reference to deviant pornography (Jerry was not my preferred suitor for my daughter), to see that he finds no glory in the spiritual side of life. As for me, I tend to ignore my wife's rather large, veiny and cellulite-ridden backside. I keep my eyes on the Lord, for the only "booty" I care about is the crown I will wear on the streets of gold.

F

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Jason Aldean & Kelly Clarkson

Jason Aldean w/Kelly Clarkson - Don't You Wanna Stay

"If we can make forever feel this way/Don't you wanna stay?" Basically what they're saying here is "Let's do the nasty one more time and see if that's enough to make our elicit relationship continue." Naw, naw, Larry can't get with that. It's never said in this song if the couple reconsidering their love/lust is married or not. I suspect not, given the decay of these formerly great United States of America. I tremble in fear of where we're headed, children. This song sounds to me like the background music in one of them soap opry's when two unmarried people are spending a few PG-13 moments in each other's steamy, hot, naked… uh, excuse me… when they are commencing sex outside the bounds of a Holy union before the sight of the Almighty. They wanna "hold each other tight" and "fall asleep with me tonight"… don't be fooled; they will most certainly not be sleeping until the man has uh, consummated the fleshly interchange and rolled over to go to sleep. The way these two's vocals play off one another is also entirely humanistic and sexual in nature. If I am, as I so rarely am, wrong… and the couple is married, this invitation to trade bodily fluids is in error as well. God intended intercourse only for procreation. It should never be used for Satanic pleasures… and most assuredly not be used as a tool to help a man and wife resolve their differences. This is sin, my friends. Seed spilled not in continuation of the human race for the parental passage of the Lord's message is no better than masturbation. One might as well listen to secular music… this song, for instance. Holy Jesus, I pray for the sanctity of marriage in this country and the souls of both Jason Aldean and Kelly Clarkson. I also pray that Ms. Clarkson learns that the body is a temple and should be treated as such; not as a storage facility for Hostess cakes and Steakhouse burgers.

F

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews - Three Pack

Eric Church - Smoke a Little Smoke

It's probably beginning to look like Trailer only sends me the most sin-ridden of songs to review, all for the sake of controversy, but I don't believe that to be so. A quick look at the Bob Kingsley Countdown reveals trash such as this to be the rule and not the exception. A listener has about as much chance at hearing an uplifting song on country radio these days as a Methodist has at getting through the Pearly Gates. This particular song is only emblematic of the decay of society and our loosening mores. Mr. Church is at odds with his own last name singing this garbage pile of a song. My son-in-law Jerry, a Southern Baptist, tells me that this song is even more devious than it appears on the surface. He says it talks of smoking the Mary Wanna. How he recognizes this is a discussion for another day. Eric Church apparently does not believe in God or believes God to be a liar. God says we are to treat the body as a temple. If we are to trust the lyrical content of this song, Mr. Church treats his like an Ole Miss frat house. I am organizing the ladies' Bunco group and the men's softball team of our church to boycott any radio station that plays this horrendous tune. Any of our teens who have been exposed to it will undergo counseling and laying on of hands. As always, we will add the offender to our prayer list.

F

Miranda Lambert - Only Prettier

First of all, it may be a sin for a woman to play guitar. I'll be researching this in my Old Testament studies and will report back to you later on that. As country songs go these days, this one is a great deal less morally corrupt than most. However, that's like saying masturbation is a lesser sin than riverboat gambling. In this song's first line, Ms. Lambert claims salvation at the hands of Southern charm. Charm never saved a man or woman from the searing fires of hell. Beyond this, Miranda preaches a message of solidarity with people who want to fight her. Jesus would approve of this tenet, however, she ends this statement with "We're just like you, only prettier." Pride comes before a fall, Ms. Lambert. Basically this song is an insult disguised as a compliment. This reminds me of a phrase the ladies of my church are known to say in weaker moments: "Bless her heart." Trust me, if a woman is commenting on your attire or actions with "bless your heart," she does not wish the Lord's blessing upon you. She is pitying you and deciding which of her gossip friends she'll text first. These biddies have been forgiven, but I fear Miranda doesn't even realize her own inequity. This as she prepares to wed that most sinful of cads, Blake Shelton. As a preacher, I could not join these two in matrimony for fear of the Antichrist himself springing from their loins.

F

Craig Morgan - Still a Little Chicken Left on that Bone

This despicable song actually has the gall to hold up sinners as role models. A divorced woman! A pervert football player! All the while comparing them to fried chicken and Coca-Cola. I don't even fully understand that metaphor and I know it's wrong in the sight of the Lord. Also there's some devilish rock and roll guitars playing loudly throughout this ode to finding the tiniest bit of good left in a hellbound miscreant. While these evildoers may in fact be retrievable from those unpearly gates, one should not look to them as paragons of virtue. Write me a song after this harlot redeems her lifestyle - surely she ate of Satan's fruit, and after this ball player puts his pecker back in his Wrangler blue jeans and repents of his misdeeds. 1 John 5: 17 says "All unrighteousness is sin: and there is a sin not unto death. Verily, we shall only look upon righteousness as a virtue worth following. In summation: divorce and tallywhacker texts = damnation.

F

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist on Kenny Chesney's "Somewhere with You"

Kenny Chesney - Somewhere With You

Mr. Chesney's newest smash hit country song sounds suspiciously like what we used to call "pop music" back when my pals and I used to cruise the Sonic after Bible drills, bobbing our heads. It seems at the very least insincere, and more to the point, dishonest to release this song to the country music radio stations. As if the sin of false presentation were not enough, Kenneth's song is a veritable snake nest of immoral behaviors. The first two lines reveal the main character's jealousy and envy over his ex-girlfriend (we assume it's a girl, but one cannot be too certain in this morally loose era) courting a new love interest. These two sins of course lead to yet another, consumption of old Scratch's mind altering beverages. Next, he goes on to look back on his time with this ex and he has the gall to reveal to us, fair reader, that he went on a date to the amusement park without an adult present to make sure this couple didn't cavort around in the haunted house or touch uncovered skin together at any point of their ride on the Tilt-a-whirl. Next line, next sin - he let a (presumable) female drive him around. The man is to be at the helm in any facet of any relationship, thus saith my Lord. And now saith my Lord, this couple committed sexual sin, because Kenneth Chesney got them a hotel room and you just know what happened on those bodily fluid encrusted sheets. My chest is tightening up, I don't mind telling you …and so is my bbb… never mind.

I'll just summarize the rest of this vile song: Mr. Chesney is sleeping around with all manner of whores in an attempt to fill up an empty space in his soul. Does he not know that this longing is for the King of Kings… not the queen of his four poster? My angina is really acting up right now… but please, unless the real damnation of your eternal soul is something you desire, don't give this song a second listen.

F-

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews

Craig Morgan - Still a Little Chicken Left on that Bone

This despicable song actually has the gall to hold up sinners as role models. A divorced woman! A pervert football player! All the while comparing them to fried chicken and Coca-Cola. I don't even fully understand that metaphor and I know it's wrong in the sight of the Lord. Also there's some devilish rock and roll guitars playing loudly throughout this ode to finding the tiniest bit of good left in a hellbound miscreant. While these evildoers may in fact be retrievable from those unpearly gates, one should not look to them as paragons of virtue. Write me a song after this harlot redeems her lifestyle - surely she ate of Satan's fruit, and after this ball player puts his pecker back in his Wrangler blue jeans and repents of his misdeeds. 1 John 5: 17 says "All unrighteousness is sin: and there is a sin not unto death." Verily, we shall only look upon righteousness as a virtue worth following. In summation: divorce and tallywhacker texts = damnation.

F

Country Christmas Cards: Josh Turner

Josh Turner sent this Christmas card to Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist. Click for a closer view.

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist: A Christmas Review

Lady Antebellum - All I Want for Christmas is You

Where do I begin? Oh, seasons greetings! Happy holidays! Have an enjoyable time of winter festivities!

Just kidding people. Merry Christmas! The war against our sacred holiday is never over. Why just this morning, a Walmart greeter called out to me "Good morning!" Standing there with a blinking wreath around her name tag and everything, Anna Beth Thompson had the gumption not to mention the very reason I must be entering her workplace on this cold mid-December morning (I was looking for a VCR tape of this popular "Interception" movie or some-such for my nephew Claude's Christmas gift)

This band has the audacity to release a Christmas EP with only one single true Christmas song that mentions the birth of the sweet little rosy-cheeked baby Jesus. WTH (heck)? Just call the album "A Merry Little Politically Correct December Event" so as not to bring the good Lord into your secular festivitizing.

Anyhoo, this song. This song… first of all it's a cover of a song by this hussy Maria Carry. You know, that 40 year old gal who goes galavanting around with men half her age, showing off her mammary glands at any given moment. I swear you'd think she'd just go topless… might as well; we've seen it all anyway. When will ladies learn that their milk dispensers are only functional devices? They are not advertisements for subhuman desires.

Back to the song. On the surface (I use that phrase a lot about these popular musical selections), this is a song with a good message: that love, not material goods, is not the preferred Christmas gift. That's all good and lovely, but there's a major caveat.

This "Christmas message" conforms to the popular culture and media's idea of "what Christmas is all about" not what the Holy Word proclaims it to be. In their world, Christmas is a generic term for a time of year where we should gather our friends and family close for overindulgence in food (gluttony), festivity (laziness), alcohol (drunkenness) and the like. I assume Lady A wants her beau for Christmas for carnal reasons alone. This country is going to Hades in a covered dish.

An excerpt from last Christmas at my house:

Larry (that's me): "Aren't we thankful that God sent his son to save us from our iniquities on this joyous day?"

Uncle Teddy: "Yeah sure, pass the dressing."

Cousin Shelly: "I got a new pair of sparkly skinny jeans!"

JJ from down the street: "Anybody got some more of that pear wine?"

Larry: "Who invited JJ??"

See, even in righteous families such as mine, the true meaning of Christmas has been diluted, and songs like this only add to the distractions of this hustly bustly time of year. Forget what Rudolph and Charles Kelley tell you is the "real meaning" of the season. Look in the Gospel, my friends. Praise Jesus!

I guess I've said enough. I hope you enjoy this Christmas without soundtracking your celebrations with sinful drivel such as this. Do not let Satan enter in to this Holiest of times.

And don't get me started about New Years.

F

Larry Lee Reviews George Strait & The Band Perry

George Strait - The Fireman

This hedonistic song is about man who fancies himself skillful at romancing women, and refers to himself by the metaphorical nickname "the fireman," indicating a self-idoling confidence in his abilities to satisfy loose females. He lists instances of his sordid adventures as evidence. One story he relates leads one to believe he is partaking in an adulterous relationship with one paramour. The listener must gather that the singer is conducting lustful thought, necking, foreplay, intercourse outside the bounds of marriage as well as possible oral deviance. This disturbingly risky behavior is recounted with a flippant attitude about the perverse activities and also a lack of regard for the potential eternal consequences (What good is it for a man to gain a harem of sexually compliant women and lose his very soul?). As such, one can only assume Mr. Strait is a wicked, unsaved man and his work is not fit for good Christian people, especially youngsters.

F

The Band Perry - If I Die Young

I believe this to be a deviant song of demonic origin. On the surface, it is presented as a lovely, poetic song about the untimely death of a young lady and her desire to be given some romanticized ritualistic type of funeral. She makes requests of the good Lord, such as to make her a rainbow after her death. This alone goes against the spirit of God's Word, but the most evil meaning of this song is below the surface of the pretty pretty words (the Devil comes to us not in the hangman's garb, but in silken clothing). After intense prayer time and discussion with others from the West Holcomb Primitive Baptist Church, I have determined that this is a song that glorifies suicide. This young lady decides to end her life (with a "sharp knife"), and why?? Because she has not yet had sexual intercourse with a man! For shame! This depraved culture has put upon our young people that their self-worth is based upon how often they engage in the sin of fornication. I tell you America, we are now bearing the fruit of the abominable seeds sown in the late 1960's. I renounce you Satan! I pray the Lord shines his light down upon this young family musical band and shows them the error of their iniquity before they split the gates of Hell wide open. I will personally wash the feet of the Perrys should they choose to know and follow the will of the Lord.

F

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews Cee-Lo

Cee-Lo Green - F**k You

There's no way in the Devil's domain I'd actually let this song defile my ears so I gave a homeless man named Herman a hot meal and some salvation tracts to listen to it for me. I'll be reviewing his summary of the song. Apparently the singer has been wronged by a female and he feels particularly spiteful towards her. This leads him to utter the "f word," the "s word" and possibly other vulgarities in her general direction, though Herman couldn't understand all of the lyrics because he is two forties into his dessert. I have heard Mr. Green's voice before and I know that he has an instrument that could well serve the Lord, so it is truly disheartening that he would stoop to this level of perversion. Herman said this song is very catchy and made him tap his mismatched shoes and want to dance if not for his back condition. I pity Herman but sympathize with him for these inclinations; the Devil has a strangle-hold on many of the more hedonistically pleasing musical compositions. However, no matter how "good" the song makes one feel, it is still an insult to decency and reverence to the Lord. I will be leading a prayer group this evening to ask mercy on the soul of both Cee-Lo and Herman.

F

.99 Reviews: Jason Aldean - Dirt Road Anthem

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist's .99 Review

Jason Aldean - Dirt Road Anthem

Trailer asked me to take over one of his usual duties for this particular review. He shows a lack of commitment if you ask me, and this is a hallmark of indolence. On to the review...

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The Sinners' Takes

BG (3 Stars)

by Tabor Lee

hahahahahaha is that jason aldean's sorry cover for dirt road anthem? wow, not a bad album, but jason aldean just caint sing brantley gilbert or colt ford's songs. go ahead and steal someone else's songs.

Disappointed (2 Stars)

by Sarah Schroeder

The rest of (Aldean's new album) might be great but I really can't get past the fact that "My Kinda Party" and "Dirt Road Anthem" are not Jason Aldean's songs, they are originally sung by Brantley Gilbert, and much better I might add...

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My Testimony

This may be one of the most sinful songs I have yet reviewed for this "blog," (that's saying a lot since a previous song put me in the hospital for a weekend's stay - thank you for the cards and flowers!) and the fact that Mr. Aldean has, according to iTunes reviewers, actually stolen this song from a lesser known singer makes it all the more egregious. Really Jason? Haven't your other musical interpretations put enough of the root of all evil in your Wrangler pockets?? Are the countertops in your mansion not granite-y enough? Are your Viking appliances not applying to your satisfaction?

Aldean's greed and peculation aside, this song presents the listener with some iniquitous habits, literally and spiritually. The song opens with a chorus that teaches impressionable young country fans that drinking and smoking (while driving!!!) is an acceptable practice. Also, he makes reference to that wicked sinner George Jones, holding him up as some sort of miscreant role model.

As I know country music, gospel and bluegrass to be the only acceptable forms of musical expression in the eyes of the Lord, the verses of this "anthem" truly turn from the will of Holiness. Jason invokes the vilest trash of "music," by rapping the lines. I felt the slow turn of Satan's gaze upon my neck as Aldean "dropped some knowledge" on me about more devious doings in the late night hours of the rural south.

Jim, Jack, Marlboro, fornication, fighting, hell-raising... Aldean hits every country bullet-point on Hell's introductory brochure. But "I ain't hearin' that yo," and neither is God. I believe this country has lost its way and that this is another knock against the Father and that he soon may remove his hand of protection.

I feel certain this album cut from Aldean's new album will find its way to radio before long, as just another step in the Liberal Media's plot to pull the roots of country music and the good zealous country fans of the red states. I only pray that you are all prepared for the Judgment that will surely follow. When I hear the beat of this song, I hear the distant hoofbeats of four fearsome steeds.

Total Value: .00/.99

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews II

Billy Currington - Pretty Good at Drinking Beer

Before I begin, I ask the Lord's forgiveness that I even allowed my ears to be party to this deplorable work of soul-staining music. And now, two Proverbs from the very same chapter (20) 1.Wine is a mocker, strong drink a brawler and whosoever erreth thereby is not wise; 4. The sluggard will not plow by reason of the Winter. What these verses are telling us is that Billy Currington is on a steady and straight path into the infinite tormenting fires of Hell, my friends. In this song, he tells us that he is not only lazy and useless, but that the only skill he possesses is drinking beer. Friend, a dog can drink beer, and where are dogs going? Hell, for they know not the Lord! And sloth, why that's one of the Seven Deadly Sins. I tell you now that the lifestyle espoused in this song can only lead to marital strife, unemployment, alcohol abuse, estrangement of friends (except for Satan himself) and eternal damnation. Jesus, I ask you to remove these demons from Billy. He is still Your child, but he has gone astray. Listeners of this song need to fall upon their face and tearfully beg that they might be spared everlasting separation from the Father. Amen.

F

Reba McEntire - Fancy

Mr. Turnage, my daddy, asked me to write down a few lines about this song because he is currently on his way to the local medical center because he was having chest pains after hearing this "Fancy." He said that he prays he does not pass from this mortal coil directly after hearing this perverse song because he fears his salvation may not weigh in the balance against such a wretched work. He says it is a celebration of materialism and prostitution, whatever that means. If my daddy dies, I will hunt you Reba. Daddy might be above fury and retribution, but I ain't, bitch! (I hope he don't read this!) Oh yeah, he says this song is a big fat F. Amen.

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews

Hello there, readers of this vulgar and infernal blog. I have been invited by Trailer to give my perspective on some secular country music songs. I prayed long and hard about putting my name alongside posts that mention "douchebagging" and use the s-word and the b-word. For shame! These are affronts to the very spirit of holiness. Still, I feel as though I might provide a healthy look at this vile form of music and lead some of you to the light. While my church does not use musical instruments, in my free time I do listen to music with instruments, such as gospel, southern gospel, country gospel and gospel bluegrass. Let's us see how these two songs stack up!

Hank Williams Jr. - Family Tradition

I hate to even dignify this vile trash with a summary. Obviously the nut does not fall far from the rotten hickory tree. In this case, the vulgar drunkard was begat by a vulgar philandering drunkard. "Bocephus" as he is known by his "rowdy friends," tells us of his unseemly lifestyle of a'drinkin', a'druggin', a'screwin' everything that walks. His justification? These "virtues" were passed down to him from his dope fiend father. I believe this to be an excuse. I also reckon that the lack of a male parent, after Hank Sr.'s shameful death, left a void in his life that Bocephus believed could only be filled by narcotics, non-marital vagina and the Devil's liquor. I have not heard of this much lechery since my third son, Larry Jay's bachelor party, for which is still disallowed from Turnage family reunions. Hank Jr. needs the Lord Jesus Christ in his soul, not some hoochie coo on his lap and a mary wanna in his hand. I implore you to avoid this evil, evil "song" and instead seek out the new cassette tape from the Gospel Fire of Purity Echos entitled "This Day I Shall Turn From Sin." Praise the Lord!

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Lady Antebellum - Hello World

This hit threesome's new song would seem to most to be a quiet reflection on faith and man's difficulty keeping his bearings in an unforgiving world. Most would be dead wrong. This, my friends, is a demon in sheep's clothing, a viper in the rose bush. The lines "talk to God like He is there" reveal the writer's true hellish intentions. Nevermind that Charles Kelley says "I know He's there" a line later, the previous confession is enough for me to know that this song is part of the liberal left's agenda to rid America of any and all belief in the one true savior Jesus Christ so that Allah might sit at the head of the table. The Obama administration's fingerprints are all over this song! They can't just come out and say "There is no God but Allah" because there would be chaos in the streets of Jackson, TN... no, they have to be subtle about their hate of the God of Israel, chipping away at our resolve until we are bowing to Mecca and covering up Aunt Linda with a veil (though the latter might be a good thing). The fact that the singer knows he should stop at the church with "white crosses...in the yard" but doesn't is symbolic of this once great nation's descent into worldliness and sin. We know we should return to the teachings of our fathers, but we choose discord, we choose Muslimness. I pray for Lady Antebellum and hope that they will repent and use their talents for Jesus!

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