Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Nickelback - Bottoms Up

Nickelback - Bottoms Up

Dear Heavenly Father. I ask you to grant forgiveness to Trailer for his inequities, as they are legion. I also ask you to grant me grace and patience as I attempt to properly review this musical selection from the rock and roll band Nickelback. Amen.

"Bottoms Up" is the name of this rock and roll song from the band Nickelback. Based on the drivel Trailer has sent me for review thus far, I assumed this was some sort of perverse sexual reference about performing acts that are against the will of the Lord. (Husband + Wife + Missionary = okay; anything else = Hell). Much to my surprise, this song has nothing to do with carnal desire.

Don't let that fact make you think Trailer has sent me something uplifting and spiritual to review. Oh no, this is yet another trashy song that glorifies Satan and his dominion over the material world. While not as vile or sinful as something about intercourse, it is a song about a slightly lesser violation of God's Holy Word: drinking.

I'm not talking about sneaking a shot to put up with your mother-in-law on Thanksgiving drinking either. This is about binging on that unholy liquid. I've already quoted scripture about drinking before so I'll just say "naughty naughty!" Jesus may have turned water to wine, but I'm pretty sure if He was alive today, he wouldn't turn water to "black tooth, 80 proof, straight gasoline." That just sounds despicable. The Devil himself would be hugging the toilet after imbibing in the way Chad Kroeger and his cohorts describe.

There's nothing positive about this song. Not a single word. Also, there's one line that says "Hell can't handle all of us." To that, I say, "hide and watch." If this band were to die today, the black gates of Hades would spring wide to swallow them like John Goodman eats a handful of pretzel M&Ms.

And the music. Is this what rock and roll sounds like in 2011? The din these men create is surely an affront to God. The lead singer Chad sounds like a billy goat coughing up a kudzu vine. Does this pass for vocalization in popular music? The worst singer (old man Chester the drunk) in my church family is easier upon my hearing organs.

If this band were singing "Amazing Grace," it would still offend the Lord's ears. I cannot stress enough how this song and this band make my soul cringe as if standing on the precipice of Hell's pit.

F

Since Nickelback is apparently country now...

Since Nickelback has been added to the CMT playlist, I guess that means they are country (thanks for letting me know, guys!)... therefore, here's one of their recent hits rewritten to fit their new demographic a little better!

A Dip in Your Mouth

(Parody of Nickelback’s “Something in Your Mouth”)

Got to meet that cutie with a cut off jeans booty

They say she’s still married but man, I just ain’t carin’ come on...

Needs to ride my big Ford we’ll open up the side doors

If Nashville had called her we’d autotune her hollers, come on...

Pretty backwoods lady with the tube top on

Every barroom Blake Shelton’s feelin’ the same want

Doesn’t care about rap music she likes Possum and Charley

It’s amusin’ how she wants to use it, my hillbilly bone

(y’all so naughty)

You’re tearin’ up some eight ball honey

(you sexy darlin)

You flaunt your ‘donkadonk for everyone

(I like that two step)

I love the way you flirt with all the cowboys

(The beer you drink)

And tease them all by sucking on your Pabst

Drink it like water, but Skoal’s what you’re all about

Yeah you look so much hotter when a dip in your mouth...

When she spits, she don't drip

Hank Jr. tatt on her hip

She's bending, rowdy friending

theres no end to it so sweetie come on...

Dressed up like Shania

The neon's got her shinin'

Like the jukebox behind her, wanna push her buttons come on...

Rural route cougar with the sequined shirt

Every barroom Blake Shelton’s feelin’ the same hurt

Doesn’t care about sippin' wine, she's a down to earth hottie

I'm slippin' hands around her hips n' my chicken is perched

(y’all so naughty)

You’re tearin’ up some eight ball honey

(you sexy darlin)

You flaunt your ‘donkadonk for everyone

(I like that two step)

I love the way you flirt with all the cowboys

(The beer you drink)

And tease them all by sucking on your Pabst

Drink it like water, but Skoal’s what you’re all about

Yeah you look so much hotter when a dip in your mouth...

She loves the long cut, her butt's got a ring on one bun

She dances like Laura Bell Bundy, keeps the boys all stunned

On the sawdust she might cuss, but she's havin' fun

She's the queen of nicotine and she's always buzzin' son

(you’re so much hotter)

When your cheek looks like a pouch

(she don't like to swaller)

with a dip in your mouth...

(y’all so naughty)

You’re tearin’ up some eight ball hon'

(you sexy darlin)

You flaunt your ‘donkadonk for everyone

blah blah blah

With a dip in your mouth....

Earsplitter: Nickelback

I already have the YouTube Gems feature that gives you an idea of what I'm digging these days and hope you check them out occasionally. Since I spend 95% of my posts making fun of the bad in music, you should probably get an idea of what I'm really hating too. Here's Nickelback's new "country" song. I'm sorry. (Note: if you turn off the sound, it's not that terrible)

Nickelback - This Afternoon from Nickelback on Vimeo.

___ Deserves a Sackpunch

Nickelback Fan

Admit it. You don't really like music. You just like the way the high school girls look at you when you drive by band practice with "Something in Your Mouth" cranking out the windows of your ragged out Mazda that still has the loud pipes. The huge guitar riffs stand as tall as the popped collar of your creatine fueled muscle filled Affliction polo shirt as you nod and raise an index finger towards the cute blonde with an oboe in her mouth. The bass in your Kenwoods pounds as hard as your Red Bull-juiced heart as you glare at the skinny high school boys waiting for their girlfriends by the band hall. You could kick all their asses at once, couldn't you? And Mr. Kroeger's garbage post-grunge hard rock band would also play on the soundtrack to that melée, wouldn't it?

Some would say it's Nickelback who's at fault here, but I'm gonna disagree. They're just a few guys who got lucky and found the magic formula for making millions of dollars a year by reproducing the same song over and over and over and over, throwing in some naughty sex talk every now and then for spice. That formula has earned them groupies, fine cribs, fancy whips, country songwriting gigs, record companies and fame. Who would give up that meal ticket? I wouldn't. Good on 'em. I can't stand them, but good for them! You go Chad!

No, it's you, Nickelcrack fan, who needs to feel the insane pain on your lower membranes. You are the one who fills the band's coffers year after year, despite their general repetitive suckiness. You are the douchebag who hates music unless it makes you look cool to the underage girls you stalk on your lunch break from Kinkos. You need something to pump you up while you're stinking up the Bally's leg press machine in your Ed Hardy wife beater. You're the tool who gets so drunk at the concert you don't even remember anything about the show except "that dude I beat up in the bathroom after I puked." You suck worse than the band. "How you remind me" of people who end up in jail for nefarious sex crimes and arson.

You probably don't have a very large target due to the 'roids, but assume the position. It's time for a migraine inducing, sperm-count reducing sackpunch!