Hundreds Believe Tim McGraw Nearly Killed a Guy Because This Headline Says So

On Friday morning, word began to spread of country superstar Tim McGraw beating a man nearly to death in Nashville. Though completely false, many Facebook users only read the first 8 words of the headline of this obviously fake news piece and spread it around like wildfire. They also noticed the poorly Photoshopped picture of Tim McGraw’s mug shot accompanying this article which lended credence to their belief that this entirely bullshit story must be so.

Most of the few readers who actually clicked on this story without excitedly sharing it first, only read the first sentence, which also fools unworldly folks into thinking that the following actually happened: 

Country superstar Tim McGraw has been arrested for a shocking assault after putting a real good man in the hospital on Wednesday night. McGraw told police he was just sticking up for his wife when the man, Vernon Brinks, said Faith Hill’s acting was a little dry in Yellowstone: 1883. After striking Brinks over and over, the victim suffered a broken wrist, a concussion, internal bleeding, and several external bruises. Brinks is said to have neither liked it, loved it, nor wanted any more of it and is expected to be released from the hospital this weekend. In a statement after making bail, McGraw apologized for the incident and blamed “the cowboy in me.”

Despite the previous paragraph being written in a less than journalistic quality, several persons who have continued reading started thinking that maybe this stupid and transparently satirical bit might have some veracity. 5 of them go back and share the story on Facebook with an “OMG!” Most didn’t even notice that there were 4 Tim McGraw song titles hidden in that paragraph, further giving clue that this stunning bit of news never occurred. 

In previous weeks, this very website (which features the word ‘farce’ in its title) has been barraged by thick-headed people replying as if satirical stories were the gospel. One of those people is reading this sentence now and I’m going to tell him that Garth Brooks cheated on Trisha with Kenny Chesney and he’ll believe it, because his brain has been warped and clouded by social media, politics, and the degradation of real media over the past 10-15 years. 

At press time, 1 of the 9 people who made it this far into the article also believed that Thomas Rhett is a meth-addicted serial killer because this sentence purports it to be true.

Or Am I Just Cynical?

My Heart Ain't Ready

The Current Poop of Mainstream Country Radio: April '22

 A poop emoji is negative, a strike thru is positive. Total score below the chart.

The current Poop Rating of the Mediabase Top 20 is (-8) overall which is an 8 point drop from January (the previous time we did this chart). The best song is Carly Pearce/Ashley McBryde’s “Never Wanted to Be That Girl.” The worst is Walker Hayes’ “AA” (big surprise, huh?). The songs are getting dumber as summer nears, like they usually do.

Chart info from Mediabase/Country Aircheck.

Brutally Honest Country Top 20: March '22

By Bobby Peacock

 

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The original: 

Behold, the follow-up:

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Lawsuit Filed Against Dollar General Over Mainstream Country Played in Stores

A man in rural Georgia has filed a lawsuit against the retail giant Dollar General over the music played in their stores. Carl Schwartz, the attorney filing the suit, alleges that the mainstream country music regularly played over their loudspeakers has attributed to the man’s mental anguish and caused him irreparable emotional harm over the years.

“My client, a regular customer of Dollar General, has been subjected to a distressing amount of Luke Bryan, Walker Hayes, and Kane Brown during each visit to one of their establishments,” said Schwartz. “The constant barrage of trucks, appropriated slang, and shallow subject matter has caused him an unreasonable amount of anger, sadness, and physical discomfort.”

Schwartz went on to say that no matter which Dollar General his plaintiff entered, whether the one on the bypass, the one next to the one on the bypass, the one over on 16, or the one close to his house, the same brainless bile was pumping through the speaker system as he attempted to dash in for paper towels or a six pack of Pabst. “We will attempt to establish that the endless loop of Florida-Georgia Line, Thomas Rhett, and Sam Hunt brought real and provable trauma upon his quality of life. Hell, that “shake it for the catfish” song alone should be barred from use as a war prisoner coercion method.”

Dollar General, in a statement, said that the lawsuit was ‘frivolous’ and that any judge would throw out the case on its lack of merit alone. “The plaintiff, while not named to the public at this time, is a well known troublemaker once banned from one of our competitors over similar matters,” said DG’s lead attorney Mark Torrance. “He’s a nut; who doesn’t sing along to that Applebees song??”

At press time, the plaintiff was apparently willing to settle out of court for Turnpike Troubadours tickets, room and board.

Monday Morning Memes: King of the Hill Edition

 

A Terrible Spotify Wrapped

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Paul Cauthen Lays Down the Gauntlet

Pop-Country Singer Describes Every Album as “Getting Back to His Roots”

As a popular pop-country singer with several number one hits to his name prepares to release his newest album, he’s revealing more of himself than ever before since the previous album. “I’m getting back to my roots,” smiles the affable, handsome young man. “That is purposely vague because I listened to lots of different trendy artists at different times in my life, so you never know what you’ll get.”

He went on to say that this particular “return to his roots” will focus on his late-teens when he was really into Blink 182 and Shania Twain. The return to his roots on his last release was a return to the 90s country of his childhood. “I’m not being inauthentic when I refer to ‘my roots’ because I have a lot of options to pick from - 2Pac in my mid-teens; Garth in 5th grade; Lil Nas X in 2018 - it can go wherever it needs to based on the prevailing winds of what makes me more money.” said the refreshingly transparent superstar. 

Also of note, handsomefamilymancountrysinger says that this album is his most personal yet. “It gives you a look into the psyche of a man whose last single underperformed, so his record company got antsy and asked him to dig deeper in search of something that would make more money for my person.” he laughed. “Also, I co-wrote one more song this go round, so it is literally more personal.”

While this all seems a bit jaded and flakey, blandfacialhairbro’s management assured us that the new record is an organic attempt at showing the world an unflinchingly honest view of a performer desperately hoping to add a heated salt-water pool to his family’s ski chalet.

At press time, the singer provided us with one more quote about the upcoming project: “People will see more of me in this work than ever before …because I’m wearing shorts on the inside of the album art!”

An X-Rated Meme

 

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