Top 10 Reasons Upchurch Fans Missed His Concert

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10. Lab mishap got me laid up for a few days

9. Had a club meeting that night and had to get my hood cleaned; it was a whole thing

8. Biden’s fault; couldn’t afford gas to get there

7. Was busy visiting our nation’s Capital

6. Was reading Hillbilly Elegy and time got away from me

5. Had to work a double shift running the Tilt-a-Whirl

4. Currently residing in state detention facility

3. Hanging out with friends and time got away from me

2. Not possible to stay 100 feet from all the women with restraining orders against me at the same time

1. I got court

Top 10 Ways to Be a TikTok Americana Artist

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10. Look up “authentic” in the dictionary and then try to fake it

9. Force yourself to binge listen to Tyler Childers when you’d rather be playing Polo G and DaBaby

8. Search “Cavender’s” in your Google maps app

7. Learn to strum a few chords that can be used for just about any cliche Americana standard you choose to cover on Tik Tok

6. Be handsome, but look like you’ve been out riding fences, whatever that means

5. Take a semester off from Bucknell, grow out facial hair

4. Buy a bunch of caps at the county co-op or even better, some vintage ones off eBay

3. Learn to sing in a throaty scream: shallow people will think that’s soulful

2. Cover “Cover Me Up” so poorly that only girls who think you’re cute pretend to like it

1. Do at least one video talking shit about Kane Brown and Sam Hunt but make your Spotify plays private first

Top 10 Biggest Jerks in Southern Rock

Most of these “jerk” lists have been surprising. This one, not as much. Rock stars are well known for ego and snotty behavior. Even though they may put off good vibes online or when meeting fans, here are some of Southern Rock’s most egregious offenders.

10. Gregg Allman

Only married Cher to piss off southern rock fans. Kept bus fridge stocked with clean urine despite never actually having to take drug tests. 

9. Wes Bayliss (The Steel Woods)

Thinks turn signals are for the weak. Has a side job as one of those people who calls you about your car’s warranty. 

8. Marcus King

Still draws dicks on sleeping bandmates like it’s a 1997 frat house. Insists upon a state trooper entourage walking him to the stage. 

7. Dan Baird (Georgia Satellites)

Only plays “Keep Your Hands to Yourself” in a medley at concerts. Hangs the toilet paper “under.” 

6. Cody Cannon (Whiskey Myers)

Puffs, puffs, puts it out. Secretly a hit pop-country songwriter under the alias Corey Crowder. Burps and blows in your face. 

5. Susan Tedeschi

Only allows mainstream country stations to be played over the tour bus speakers. Makes band sign non-disclosure agreements so no one knows about her Red Man habit. One member is being fired at this moment.

4. Charlie Starr (Blackberry Smoke)

Talks in a fake Southern aristocrat accent for interviews. Doesn’t flush. Doesn’t put his grocery cart up. 

3. Dale Krantz Rossington (The Rossington Band, Skynyrd)

Used to hide rotten fruit in Leon Russell’s beard while he was asleep. Cheats at Words with Friends. Hollers “Play Free Bird!” while actually on the stage with Lynyrd Skynyrd. 

2. Derek Trucks

Never responds to text messages. Intentionally uses poor grammar and spelling on Facebook posts to trigger perfectionists. Personally selects the pre-show monitor music: all Ricky Martin hits. Doesn’t pick up after his dog.

1. Chris Robinson

Whoops. Actually is a jerk. Sorry for ending this on a downer. 

Top 10 Things Brantley Gilbert Fans are Spending Their Tax Refunds on 2021

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10. Oral hygiene

9. You don’t get a tax refund if you don’t pay taxes

8. New boots

7. New router and surround sound speakers for the meth shed

6. Screened in patio

5. Help mama upgrade her truck

4. “Vitamins”

3. Buy girlfriend a tattoo for her birthday

2. Legal fees resulting from that fight with daddy at the dog track

1. Down payment on new porch

Top 10 New Year’s Resolutions for Dan + Shay Fans

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 10. Speak to 5% more managers in 2021

9. Keep up with teen slang so you’ll be able to snoop on your daughter’s Snapchat effectively

8. Monthly salon visit to maintain that just above the shoulders layered look that silently asks “Are you supposed to be here?”

7. Keep the white zinfandel cellar fully stocked at all times

6. Berate Dan + Shay on Facebook for not going on tour because Covid is just the damn flu!

5. Sell 22% more essential oils and seaweed kelp powder on Facebook

4. Berate Kane Brown on Instagram for wearing a mask because “there taking our freedom away!”

3. Keep tan somewhere between “just returned from Cozumel” and “oh God, you better get that mole checked out!”

2. Maintain the perimeters and facilities of your gated subdivision against people who don’t seem to belong near you

1. Practice saying “How arrrre yeeewwww??” and “Oh HOOWWW Cute!” and “Bless YEWR Hawrt!” for when you finally get to see your friends after this Covid hoax goes away

Top 10 Things More Likely Than Sam Hunt Releasing a Real Country Song

Remember that time Sam Hunt was gonna release a country song, but then he just released his usual kind of song with a sample of a real country song mixed in? Here are ten things more likely than Sam Hunt releasing a song we all agree is really country.

10. Your aunt actually wins that RV she keeps reposting about on Facebook.

9. Justin Moore takes a leak without standing on a potty stool.

8. A Nigerian prince sends you 3.2 million dollars.

7. The Simpsons stop predicting things correctly.

6. Ifs and buts become candy and nuts.

5. Gary Levox, hardcore porn star. 

4. Donald Trump releases his tax returns. Joe Biden admits he’s uncertain which city he’s in.

3. Kane Brown successfully completes a corn maze.

2. Hank Sr stops rolling in his grave.

1. New York Jets: Super Bowl LV champs.

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By Trailer & Jeremy Harris

Top 10 Fashion Tips for Brantley Gilbert Fans

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10. Research the business you’re applying with first, but confederate flag t-shirts are generally frowned upon for job interviews.

9. If you don’t look good in prison orange, you can accessorize with handmade hair necklaces or a sticker from the commissary.

8. Sagging pants aren’t really in fashion right now, but since you don’t care, just make sure you wear full coverage underpants.

7. Duct tape will hold the chain in your back pocket while you save for the wallet.

6. Camouflage is actually fairly fashionable right now, but make sure the camo you wear in public is free of briars and blood from sneaking through the woods to tend your still.

5. Collared shirts are essential work apparel for those of you… well, most of you… with neck tattoos.

4. When purchasing shorty shorts with words across the butt, make sure the wording isn’t something inappropriate that would get you fired from the snow-cone stand.

3. If you don’t have skinny genes, you might wanna skip the skinny jeans.

2. Wife beaters are a shirt style, not a lifestyle.

1. An oversized baseball hat can cover meth scars all the way to the eyebrows and you’ll look super cool.

By Jeremy Harris and Trailer