Showing posts with label Top Ten Lists. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Top Ten Lists. Show all posts

Apr 5, 2017

10 Biggest Jerks in Bluegrass

Some would imagine that the earthy, humble bluegrass music scene would not be as likely to contain divas and d-bags as the more mainstream genres of music. However, thanks to critic and hipster love for country music's less commercial cousin, things have changed of late. This niche but culturally significant groundswell has slowly created a context wherein all manner of unlikely aspirants were more apt to let their jerk flag fly. Here are some of the genre's most egregious offenders.


10 Biggest Jerks in Bluegrass

 
10. Dale Ann Bradley
Posts only fake news on her Facebook page.
Leaves car running with rap metal playing loudly when she runs in the convenience store.


9. Chris Thile
Thinks Spiderman 3 is the best superhero movie ever made.
Anonymously defends Sam Hunt on YouTube.


8. Trampled by Turtles
Run an underground fight club for children.
Walk slowly side-by-side on sidewalks.


7. Kristin Scott Benson (The Grascals)
Still has an un-rewound VCR tape of Lawnmower Man 2 from Blockbuster.
Talks loudly on her phone in the Kroger check out line.
Signs autographs with wrong name.


6. Doyle Lawson
Reheats leftover fish in the bus microwave.
Pushed an established mandolin player down the stairs; took over his spot.
Actually not that big a fan of Bill Monroe.


5. Andy Hall (Infamous Stringdusters)
Farts in church.
Once found a $10 on the ground by the Salvation Army Christmas kettle and bought beer with it.
Posts gory surgery photos on Facebook.


4. Rhonda Vincent
Illegally downloads Alison Krauss albums.
Smokes right by the door at restaurants.
Is known to tell fat jokes between songs.
Rolls coal.


3. Ricky Skaggs
Quite belligerent when drunk.
Once initiated a fistfight with Marty Stuart over who had the best hair.
Band members who make eye contact are docked a night's pay.
Retweets Lena Dunham daily.


2. Noam Pikelny
Spends all his downtime cursing at children while playing Horizon Zero Dawn on his PS4.
Waits until the last second to merge in traffic.
Didn't vote for Trump but pretends he did on Facebook just to piss off his liberal friends.
Constantly says "bae."


1. Alison Krauss
Requires parmesan dusted truffled croutons, a bottle of Eagle Rare 17 Year Old Single Barrel Kentucky Straight Bourbon, and Frette Diamond Jacquard towels on her tour rider.
Is a close talker, infrequent brusher.
Once punched a country blogger for putting an extra "s" in her first name on an album review.
Reported Rhonda Vincent to RIAA for illegally downloading her albums.

Mar 22, 2017

Jan 17, 2017

Top 10 Ways Nashville Will Respond to Sturgill Simpson's Popularity



10. Sign Virgil Simpson, Sturgill's tonedeaf cousin 

9. More songs about DMT

8. Ban pitch correction in lieu of barely discernible enunciation

7. Request Florida-Georgia Line try some of that "authenticity" stuff on for size

6. Vow to release another dumb bro-country song for every 
Facebook rant Sturgill goes on, out of spite

 5. Kidnap Dave Cobb; force him at gunpoint to produce Rascal Flatts next album

4. Quietly invite Sturgill to play the CMAs; never let anyone know 
about his 5 minutes of laughing on voice mail reply

3. Scour the hills of Kentucky for a salt-of-the-earth type who writes great songs; 
ruin him with spray tan, EMD, and emojis

2. Get Cole Swindell to cover "You Can Have the Crown" …very poorly

1. Just do whatever the fuck they were gonna do in the first place because 
they still don't know who Sturgill Simpson is

Dec 21, 2016

Top 10 Reasons Brantley Gilbert Fans are on Santa's Naughty List



10. Didn't know she was 17

…and a second cousin

9. Stole a bunch of batteries and Calamine lotion trying to make meth

8. Got a DUI while listening to a Brantley Gilbert (who is sober) drinking song

7. Punched a little person because "he wouldn't send a message to Santa"

6. Punched a woman in a road rage incident while driving to anger management class

5. Selling rock candy as crack at alternative school

4. Toting around homemade pipe bombs at "open carry rally"

3. Spray painted misspelled answers to remedial reading test on water tower beside the school as a cheat sheet

2. Sheep. [details redacted]

1. Keyed car of blogger who was mean to Brantley

Dec 2, 2016

Top 10 Things Kane Brown Fans Want for Christmas


10. Puberty

 
9. Batteries for the hearing aid that hasn't worked since 2013

 
8. Hello Kitty iPhone 4s case

 
7. To know which local professional wrestler is their daddy

 
6. Lightbar for their foriller

 
5. Neighbor's wifi password

 
4. Extra cake in the prison cafeteria

 
3. Donations to their cancer hoax Kickstarter campaign

 
2. Drugs, lots of drugs

 
1. My six front teeth



---------------------
By Trailer with help from Jeremy Harris

Nov 7, 2016

Top 10 Things Kenny Chesney Might've Been Thinking at the CMAs


10. Did I leave the stove on?

9. Natalie's hair looks like the Devil's Tower in Close Encounters!

8. Really need to fart. Really need to fart. Really need to fart.

7. The Chicks get Beyoncé and I just get Pink?

6. Shirts with sleeves are so damn uncomfortable.

5. I wish I hadn't smoked all that crack this afternoon.

4. On one hand, Hillary is more presidential and experienced, but on 
the other, Trump really could shake up the status quo. Hmmm.

3. *nothing. nothing at all*

2. Should I put my award from tonight on the guest house mantle? 
Or maybe in the auxiliary trophy case at the beach house?

1. You know? I'd really like to be called a racist and get death threats 
from Beyoncé fans. I think I'll make a sour face.

Oct 18, 2016

Top 10 Halloween Costumes for Kane Brown Fans


10. Sexy Parole Officer

09.
Delusional Fangirl

 08. Bottle of Percocet

07. Sexy High School Dropout

06. This

05. Inmate (actual inmate ...not really a costume)

 
04. White trash

03. Creepy, obsessive 43-year-old fan from his hometown

02. Sexy Pregnant Teen



01. Sexy Meth Cook

Oct 6, 2016

Top 10 Conspiracies Shooter Jennings Can Cover Next

 

To celebrate the release of the Black Ribbons Ultimate Edition, Shooter Jennings has been running a podcast recently called Beyond the Black. In it he discusses the conspiracy-minded topics covered on that dystopian album. Jeremy counted down the best topics Shooter can cover on future episodes!

(and it's a top 11)

Top 11 Upcoming Topics For 
Shooter Jennings' Beyond The Black Podcasts

11. David Allan Coe was never picked up by the ghost of Hank Williams. 

10. All Colt Ford songs are secretly written about independent wrestler Die Hard Tom McClane. 

9. Bambi's mom was an inside job. 

8. Earl Thomas Conley schedules his tour dates around the Seattle Seahawks schedule. Coincidence?

7. 'Walking Dead' scenes that show destroyed urban areas are actually drone footage from outdoor bro-country concerts. 

6. The earth is a simulation created by Richard Garriott.

5. Randy Quaid and Gary Levox have never been seen together. Tune in to find out why. 

4. Proof that Sturgill Simpson is actually a reptile alien made of light. 

3. Detroit was booming until Kid Rock went country. The connection is there!

2. Two members of Jackson Taylor's band are NOT sinners. 

1. Billy Ray Cyrus died in a rollerblading accident and was saved when doctors working as consultants on the show 'Doc' stole Elvis' brain and implanted it into his head. The show was cancelled shortly after because he constantly wanted to sing 'Love Me Tender' during every episode. (This title may need to be shortened before airing the show)

-by Jeremy Harris

Aug 17, 2016

Stash Contest Entry: Top Ten Things I’d Rather Listen to Than Florida Georgia Line


 From Matt Gallardo

*language warning*

Top Ten Things I’d Rather Listen to 
Than Florida Georgia Line

10)  Nails on a chalkboard

9) Fran Drescher

8) One of those yappy little dogs that never shut the fuck up

7)  A vacuum cleaner drowning out the new episode of my favorite TV show

6)  William Hung’s entire CD

5)  An audio book of “Heart of Darkness” read by Gilbert Gottfried

4)  A knife scraping over burnt toast

3)  A fire alarm being tested every five minutes.  All day long

2)  Pee Wee Herman singing “The Song That Never Ends”

1)  The guy in the next bathroom stall taking a loud explosive shit

Jul 25, 2016

Top 10 Things I'd Rather Have Played On Country Radio Than Steven Tyler

List by Jeremy Harris - "Graphics" by Trailer

Top 10 Things I'd Rather Have Played
On Country Radio Than Steven Tyler


10. Gary Levox singing about the new Chicken McGriddles

9. An announcement about a Chris Gaines comeback tour

8. My grandma talking dirty to me

7. Steve Earle and Rush Limbaugh talking politics

6. "All shows/music have been cancelled and 
we will play Bobby Bones on repeat 24/7"

5. A news update listing me as number 1 on the FBI's most wanted list

4. Aerosmith

3. "All NCAA schools except one have been given bowl and tourney bans,
making Ohio State national champions in all sports"

2. Brantley Gilbert.... no wait, that's too far

 
1. Morgan Freeman reading my porn search history

Jun 17, 2016

Top 10 Signs You Might Be a Florida-Georgia Line Fan


Top 10 Signs You Might Be a Florida-Georgia Line Fan

10. Your YouTube comments pretty much guarantee you'll never be President
 
9. Your Tinder profile lists your interests as "rolling coal on Priuses" and "keepin' it lit."

8. You've never bought an album in your life but have
115 days worth of bro-country and hick-hop on your iTunes

7. You've got three baby mamas but can't legally vote yet

6. You think Hagrid from the Harry Potter movies' first name is Merle

5. You met your side chick at a Trump rally

4. The teachers at your middle school are tired of you parking your Raptor in their spots

 
3. You bought your nephew a Fireball onesie for his first birthday

2. You have a "Thiz iz how we roll" tattoo on your belly

1. If u don't see nothing wrong with this sentence than your probly a fan

Apr 29, 2016

Top 10 Things FGL Fans are Boycotting (Besides Target)


Top 10 Things FGL Fans are Boycotting (Besides Target)
--------------------------



 10. Reading

9. Writing

8. Tattoo artists that work in 
health department approved shops

7. Safe sex

6. The dentist

5. Outhouses that aren't gender specific

4. Teenage sobriety


3. Meth dealers that don't offer frequent buyer discounts

2. Grammar

1. Good music



---------
By Trailer and Jeremy Harris

Apr 14, 2016

Top 10 Projected Lyrics on Cole Swindell's New Album


Cole Swindell's new album comes out in April or May or June or who really cares. Anyway, we took a stab at guessing some of the lyrics that will be on You Should Be Here and here are the ten best…


10. She climbed in the truck I said baby what's up
Plugged the aux cord in, turned some Haggard up
 

9. Stars in your eyes, hands in the air
Lemme get a glimpse of that derriere
 

8. On fleek country boy riding these roads
Sam Hunt blastin' out the stereo
 

7. She winked and smiled and sat on my lap
Asked if that's my initials on my cap
 

6. Bae, bae, uh uh
Uh uh uh uh uh, bae
 

5. This is the song about being down
I'm sad, watch the video to see me frown
 

4. Gimme dem digits, take a selfie to text
Whoops, sent it to my mom instead of my ex
 

3. I'm in the middle of a memory
Of you shaking that thing like a white oak leaf
 

2. She took off her top and gave me some crown
I'm so glad this old truck broke down
 

1. Remember boys, it's Saturday night
Let's crack a cold one and act real white

Dec 17, 2015

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