The Wicked Never Rest

Even during a pandemic, the work must go on...

Police Using Hick-Hop Songs to Disperse Crowds During Pandemic

Police departments nationally reported on Friday that they were using unusual methods to enforce lockdowns and “safer at home” measures during the Coronavirus pandemic. An attempt to avoid harsher crowd control options has led many forces to use speaker trucks to blast music that most people find repugnant - in this case, hick-hop, or country rap, seems to be having the best results.

In Ft. Worth, TX Wednesday, local authorities were alerted to a small block party in a suburban neighborhood. Rather than issue citations or fines, they simply rolled a police van into the vicinity blasting “Outback (Extended Remix)” by the hick-hop group Redneck Souljers. “They lit out of there like their butts were on fire” laughed Deputy Lewis Marks. “I don’t blame them - I felt physically ill listening to it myself.”

A birthday party in Van Nuys, CA fell victim to Colt Ford’s “No Trash in My Trailer.” Carl Jenkins, who had attended the party, told us by Skype that he was injured during the melée as the party broke up. “I may sue their asses - I didn’t trip or fall or anything, but I was mentally injured by that music; I’ve got pain and suffering and PTSD now. I might rather have the Rona.” he grimaced.

An outdoor bat mitzvah in Salem, OR ended in similar fashion. “I hate to do it, but this is for safety and health of the public at large” said officer Lindsay Scanlan, turning on Upchurch’s “My Neck of the Woods” at ear-shattering volume. Audible screams and weeping were heard as the 24 people at the mitzvah scattered like ants. 

Similar stories have come in from across the country, but at press time, law enforcement agencies in the Carolinas reported that hick-hop was ineffective in clearing large gatherings and were exploring using flash bombs, rubber bullets, and tear gas.

Tiger King Country Reaction Gifs

When Jerrod Niemann's "Donkey" flopped.

Wheeler Walker Jr. in 20 years about to sing a song about nursing home sex

Why don't you like Kane Brown's music?

  

Keith Urban's gonna have a livestream concert!

When your new lover promised you 

some meth if you'd go to an Upchurch concert

Does this guy look like Florida-Georgia Line's oldest fan?

When "Goodbye Earl" comes on

right after you killed your husband

What Country Fanbases Are Doing During Coronavirus Lockdown

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Brantley Gilbert fans: 

The usual - morning bell, inmate count, breakfast, work detail, inmate count…

Luke Bryan fans: 

young - Tik Tok dance videos; older - drinking wine, also doing Tik Tok videos

Florida-Georgia Line fans: 

going to the beach, going to parties, having sex with people they just met

Kane Brown: 

doing chores, homework, texting other kids their age

Mitchell Tenpenny: 

maintaining their regimen of ceftriaxone and azithromycin, stalking exes

Tyler Childers: 

morel hunting, drinking themselves blind

Kelsea Ballerini: 

journaling, skin care, skin care journaling

Sturgill Simpson: 

N/A - he has run off all his fans

Charlie Daniels Band: 

sharing factually incorrect memes, going to church, sleeping with Fox News on

Upchurch: 

hoarding, cooking

Top 10 Potential Names for New Hick-Hop Acts

10. Plenty of Felonz

9. Porter Swaggoner

8. Dem Konfedurissy Boyz

7. Travis Trill

6. Stormfront Husslaz

5. Incel Muddaz

4. Girth Brukz

3. The David Duke Boyz

2. Johnny Trash and the Men in White

1. Some Guys Who Got Fired from Kwik Lube for Selling Pills

Really Dumb Country Reviews: Dec. '19

From a popular digital music service.

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Dan + Shay & Bieber - 10,000 Hours

Highwomen - s/t

Miranda Lambert - Wildcard

Jason Aldean - 9

Cody Jinks - The Wanting

Upchurch - Parachute

Ashley McBryde - One Night Standards

Blake & Trace - Hell Right

Luke Bryan - What She Wants Tonight

Really Dumb Country Reviews: October '19

These are real reviews from a popular digital music service.

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Zac Brown Band - The Owl

The Highwomen - s/t

Jon Pardi - Heartache Medication

Upchurch - Parachute

Sturgill Simpson - Sound & Fury

(yeah, I know it's not actually country)

Miranda Lambert - Wildcard