Jul 29, 2021
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Jul 22, 2021
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Jul 19, 2021
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Jun 28, 2021
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I'm probably cancelled for this one |
Jun 16, 2021
Top 10 Reasons Upchurch Fans Missed His Concert
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9. Had a club meeting that night and had to get my hood cleaned; it was a whole thing
8. Biden’s fault; couldn’t afford gas to get there
7. Was busy visiting our nation’s Capital
6. Was reading Hillbilly Elegy and time got away from me
5. Had to work a double shift running the Tilt-a-Whirl
4. Currently residing in state detention facility
3. Hanging out with friends and time got away from me
2. Not possible to stay 100 feet from all the women with restraining orders against me at the same time
1. I got court
May 21, 2021
CDC Recommends Wearing 2-3 Masks at Kane Brown Concerts, Even After Pandemic
Despite relaxing or ending 13 months of Covid-19 mask mandates, the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has continued one recommendation for fans of pop-country singer Kane Brown. "You can resume activities without wearing a mask or staying six feet apart, except at Kane Brown concerts,” the CDC said on Thursday.
They went on to say that the prevalence of poor hygiene and high levels of transmissible illnesses and diseases among this specific subset of music fans makes it necessary to continue pandemic era protocols for the foreseeable future. This includes wearing not only a mask, but two, and possibly three masks. 6-10 feet of social distancing is also required.
“This fan army, whose main demographic is adolescent, caucasian, rural, teenaged girls or young women and their boyfriends, exhibits much higher than normal frequencies of sexually transmissible diseases and other airborne contagions,” said Dr. Lew Dunne, of Georgia’s state CDC office. “They infrequently bathe or brush their teeth, so the masks will help with the stench as well.”
The CDC has even gone so far as to send links to a YouTube video or TikTok of the warning with the purchased digital tickets to Kane Brown concerts. “Many of them are unable to read at a middle school level and only communicate with their friends through short videos of dancing or ‘snatching a bitch’s wig’ so we created a fun and informative video that explains our recommendation with song and dance.” said Dunne. “It’s been quite effective so far.”
At press time, the CDC was recommending avoiding Upchurch concerts altogether.
May 18, 2021
World's Hickest Festival Returns!
Apr 29, 2021
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Feb 5, 2021
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Jan 29, 2021
Police Deploy Axe Sniffing Dogs to Find Illegal Bro-Country House Concerts
“We’ve found that teens and men who enjoy this kind of music tend to wear offensively strong smelling body sprays such as Axe, so we’ve trained Buster, our drug-sniffing K9, to identify similar odors.” said K9 Unit Lt. Parker Davis of the Smyrna Police Department. “It’s working like a charm so far.”
The SPD has already shut down 2 Chase Rice concerts, a Chris Janson show, and a couple of other up-and-coming bro-country artists' parties. “There were 25 jacked-up pickup trucks in this cul-de-sac, so we knew something was going on when we followed up on a complaint from neighbors, but the area was completely silent when we started investigating,” said Davis. “Knocks didn’t root anything out, but Buster just smashed through the fence of one yard… you should have seen the wallet chains gleaming in the street lights as they all ran for it.”
Fines were levied, and four open container arrests were made. Similar stories have come in from the Tallahassee, FL area as well. “We taught our dog Hurley to detect body spray and White Claw,” said TPD’s K9 officer Levon Goins. “He’s rooted out 5 different illegal shows. I’ve never seen so many drunk white girls.”
One of the illicit concerts shut down in Tallahassee also led to arrests for crystal meth and prescription drug possession with intent. “That was one of those ‘hick hop’ shows, I think his name was Upshirt, Upchurch, something like that.” laughed Goins.