Country Day: December 09

The Bird List

Check it out! Not only is this a "Best of 09" list, it's a combination of "Best of 09" lists from quite a few of the coolest country blogs on the interwebs (and this blog). We put our heads together and here's what came of it!

The Inaugural Bird List!

The name and logo for this undertaking were inspired by this famous photo.

Tomorrow is....

Country Day: December

parody album covers

And early next week, there'll be a country Christmas covers day.

Here's a preview of tomorrow's post (which will include covers from Reba, Jimmy Wayne and Alan Jackson):

Farcie Awards: Worst Album

Our final award of this year's Farcies is the most important. A lot of suck and ineptness goes into winning the trophy for Worst Album. Winning their third broken guitar award of the night is Rascal Flatts with their Unstoppable album, chosen on a staggering 48% of ballots. Remember, multiple selections could be made for this award, so the percentages don't add to 100%. Take a bow, Gary, Joe Don and Jay! Click on the list below to see the voting results. Jimmy Wayne, your lame efforts did not go unnoticed!

Farcie Awards: Worst Song

FTM's penultimate award, Worst Song, goes to Worst New Artist nominee Fast Ryde, for their truly atrocious ode to rear ends, "That Thang." Nice going, you two! Tyler Dean came in second with his stalker anthem, "Taylor Swift." The voting breakdown can be seen by clicking the chart below.

Farcie Awards: Worst Group

I honestly thought Nickelback would give Rascal Flatts a run for their money in the Worst Group category but as you can see in the chart below, nearly 45% of you said the Flatts were in a league of their own. Congrats guys!

Farcie Awards: Worst Rapper

This category was no contest. Soulja Boy, the readers of Farce the Music unequivocally say you suck!

Farcie Awards: Worst Comeback

It was like "Revenge of the 90's" in this category as four 90's "favorites" took on much maligned and much marijuana'd diva Whitney Houston. But, oh hell to the naw, Miss Houston stood no chance against Mr. Stapp and company. Way to go, Creed!

Farcie Awards: Worst New Artist

While it was a close race with the ever askew Lady Gaga, the Farcie Award for worst new artist goes to Locash Cowboys! Congrats guys! That's a very impressive feat for not even having released your major label debut yet!

Farcie Awards: Worst Female Vocalist

While I have vowed not to speak ill of Taylor Swift's vocals for a while, my readers have not done likewise, voting her easily to the head of this category. Voting breakdown is shown in the chart below.

Farcie Awards: Worst Male Vocalist

Our first result today is for worst male vocalist. Idol runner-up and keyboardist kisser, Adam Lambert, made a strong push at the start of the voting while Rodney Atkins and Kanye "Emo Autotuner" West went neck and neck in the middle of the pack, but after the dust cleared, frequent FTM target Gary "The Voice" LeVox of Rascal Flatts had run away with this Farcie trophy. Voting breakdown is shown in the chart below. Congrats Gary!

And the Losers Are...

FTM's Farcie Awards Results day begins with the reveal of the lovely trophy all our winners/losers will take home (figuratively). Anyone would be proud ....errr, ashamed to have that fine piece of hardware on their mantle or in their awards case!

Happy Non-Specific Winter Holiday

An original satirical lyric from FTM.

Happy Non-Specific Winter Holiday

It’s that festive time of year again

Kwanzaa, the birth observance and other events

Shopping facilities are challenged for space

There’s an upturned expression on many a face

Hang out red ceremonial footwear

The kinara or menorahs with peace and care

Light the candles or holiday tree

Here’s a hopeful salutation to you from me

Have a happy non-specific winter holiday

Hear the appropriate musical selections play

Observe your chosen rituals

Be kind to all individuals

Have a happy non-specific winter holiday

Please be sensitive to everyone

Jewish or Christian or those of no religion

Make certain to be careful with your words

Disharmonic greetings can cause other persons hurt

If you choose to give gifts, please be kind

No red or green wrappings, they exclude the colorblind

If you wish to spread tidings of unity

Be sure to offer this ode to each person you see

Have a happy non-specific winter holiday

Hear the appropriate musical selections play

Observe your chosen rituals

Be kind to all individuals

Have a happy non-specific winter holiday

Bridge

Well, the tofurkey’s almost ready

And the organic dressing is too

My lifestyle family unit

Offers this formal wish to you

Have a happy non-specific winter holiday

Hear the appropriate musical selections play

Practice your preferred methods

Of celebratory acceptance

Have a happy non-specific winter holiday

©2004 Corey Parkman

Relative Size Chart #17

Click for a closer view.

Cledus Parodies Buck, Farces Tiger

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #24

Keep your friends close and your enemies in a headlock. DTN friend, don't trust nobody. I've had supposed best pals steal song ideas from me and not give me a g-string thin shred of credit. For the most part, make sure you're working with writers on the same level as you because up-and-comers might use your good name and grab your wallet... Waffle House working m***** f*****s. For all of you in that up-and-comer category, that means you never get to write with me because even if you get into the velvet-roped VIP section I currently occupy, I will have created a new, higher, more preeminent echelon to ascend to and won't associate with your punk ass. Write on beeatches!

*Not actually written by John Rich

The Farcie Awards: You Vote for the Worst of '09!

With December trudging along, all the other blogs are doing polls and lists of their favorites and bests of 2009's music (as well as the decade's best). Of course I'll get around to doing a few of those myself, but really, what is Farce the Music about but telling you about the worst the music world has to offer? I have a list or two of my own personal least favorites of the year to come, but here's a chance for you to tell me what songs, albums and artists sucked the most.

I culled the nominations for this poll from my own personal hatreds as well as popular opinion and some thoughts stolen from other blogs. I don't have an option for write-in votes on this poll, but if you want to write your own in the comments of this blog post, I'll count 'em.

Without further adieu, here is the first ever Farcie Awards poll! Results will be announced on Monday.

Note: you can make multiple choices in the Worst Album category.

Click Here to take survey

Fun With Charts & Graphs

Odds & Ends Parody Album Covers

Bocephus Parody

Here's a parody so biting it's also satire. ...from our buddy CM Wilcox of Country California (and The 9513). Nice job CM!

Online Edition

(a parody of Hank Jr's "Family Tradition")

Country music singers

Have always been a real close family

But lately some of the critics

Have been getting a little too mean

Those nitwits say

We're headed in a sucky direction

Read all about it in the online edition

They bag on me, wanna know stuff like

Where is the steel?

And where is the fiddle?

Why must you always pander to the middle?

Over and over

Spouting their opinions

It makes me pissed

The stuff they've writ

In that online edition

I am very proud

Of my big old truck

And I'll tell you about it

In a song that will surely suck

It'll hit those charts

And shoot right up to the top position

But they don't care, those queers out there

And their online edition

Don't ask me, hoss

Where is the cheating?

And where is the sin?

Why must you brag on your rural origins?

If on my next album

I make some poor song selections

Don't go running me down

When I'm not around

In your online edition

Lordy, I have charmed some ladies

To get to where I am

And you can hear me playing

From every mama's minivan

So don't you try to tell me

That I'm bound for perdition

Just because they claim every song's the same

In that online edition

It makes me wonder, man

Where do they live?

And how can I get there?

What can I do to give them fools a scare?

Loading up my shotgun

I'm gonna have them wishin'

They could run from what they done

In that online edition

They'll shut up when, I put an end

To that online edition.

Top 10 Ways Jason Aldean is Trying to Look Tougher

10. Letting blonde highlights grow out

09. Studying hip-hop album covers to work on his scowl

08. Manlier earrings

07. Using sandpaper and gravel to roughen up supple hands

06. Practicing intimidating poses in his full length mirror, growling

05. Having peach fuzz dyed black

04. Punching self in face, rehearsing bar fight story

03. Putting a "Peeing Calvin" sticker on his Prius

02. Getting dragon tattoo over old one that said "I Heart LOLcats!"

01. Standing close to Chuck Wicks to look like Chuck Norris in comparison

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #23

Learn the rules so you can break them. Find out the generally accepted song forms, then you can change 'em up a little and still have it be mediocre enough to interest Nashville folks. This "learn 'em to break 'em" rule is a good maxim for everyday life as well: When you're sober, figure out where the traps usually are so later you can get to' up and still make it home without having to say the alphabet backwards if you know what I mean. Get your wife used to you coming in at 12 so she'll start drifting off about that time, then you can slip around up past 2 (Tiger ain't learned shiyatt). That's enough help. Figure this stuff out yourself. It took me years to get this pimpin' in the songwriting and sack shaking games.

Not actually written by John Rich.

_____Deserves a Sackpunch #6

Fangirl/Fanboy

You don't really like music that much in general. You just picked an artist,usually a solo artist, based on their "it factor" and a song or two that really spoke to you and then you latched onto that artist. You bought just the singles at first and reviewed them with odd vigor on iTunes, not even sure yourself where the manic fire came from. Then you bought the albums, then the t-shirt, then the fanny pack. You had crossed a line.

You joined the message board somewhere along the way and were indoctrinated into the "Cult of _____." There you learned that no artist shall come before _____. Especially artists who are similar in style, voice, look or success to _____. In fact, you shall use every opportunity to shoot arrows (verbally - well, txt-ually) at that artist. Fans of that artist are jealious of _____ (sic). Also, you must use all facets of technology to follow and defend _____. Alerts are sent to your inbox anytime _____'s name is mentioned in a blog post. Was it a positive mention? Yes. Agree! Agree! Agree! No. Jealious! Jealious! Jealious! (sic)

Once a fangirl of _____, you must hate the predetermined rival of _____. This is the most unbreakable rule of fight club.... err, fangirl-dom.

You must friend _____ on Facebook, listen to their music on Myspace (even though you already own a digital and physical copy of the album) and follow them on Twitter. Anytime they tweet, you must reply. After a while, you must reply with the belief that this person knows you and reads all YOUR tweets. If they tell a joke, LOL! If they reveal news, OMG! Because they read all replies themself and love to hear from you and you alone, oh obsessed one. They are not creeped out AT ALL!

_____'s latest single is the best one yet. Their latest album takes it to another level. Their current tour is the awesomest tour in the history of the world. Their latest promo pics are NOT PHOTOSHOPPED! They got snubbed for that award! It's behind the scenes politics because he/she's so hot!!!

Uh oh, third single tanked. That's okay, new single from next album already released even though it's not very good because top songwriters are no longer pitching _____ their best material. Call all the radio stations and request that turd anyway. Program manager's never heard of it? Screw him!!!

Dropped from the label? Well, I still like _____. They'll get picked up by somebo.... huh, who was I talking about again? Oh, yeah... ____ is still pretty good, I just, you know... I listen to them sometimes, I guess.

Hey, who's singing that new song? Is she popular? Carrie who? Hmmm.

OMG URN4A SACKPUNCH!

FWC&G: Willie Duets

Songs Illustrated 11

.99 Review: Bucky Covington "Gotta Be Somebody"

.99 Review

Bucky Covington

"Gotta Be Somebody"

The People's Take

The people have no take because this song hasn't been released on iTunes yet. I'm imagining the average comment will go something like this:

Bucky & Nickelback - How can you go rong? (5 Stars) – This is my favorite Nickelback song (and that's saying a lot!!!) so I was sooo happy to fine out that Bucky was redoing this song! He is a nice guy who ackshally enjoys his career and values fans and their support.

- Dumdum Superfan

My Take

It's Bucky Covington covering a Nickelback song...

How can I say this sucks? Let me count the ways.

Awful, blows, wack, toolish, appalling, dreadful, terrible, horrific, ignominious, stank-ass, bummer, cringeworthy, disconcerting, routine, commonplace, grievous, pedestrian, like soggy cereal, loathsome, leaving a lot to be desired, deplorable, rubbish, abominable, excruciating, agonizing, unbearable, intolerable, unendurable, vile, foul, heinous, abhorrent, egregious, soggy, loathsome, yucky, godawful, shitty, noisome, putrid, objectionable, repellent, nauseating, revolting, unpleasant, contemptible, wretched, FAIL, shabby, worthless, useless, poor, pathetic, garbage, detritus, dross, crap, pitiful, lamentable, lame, ass, brutal, crappy, crummy, ill, lousy, painful, unsavory, shameful, degrading, sucky, douchy, douchebaggery, unsatisfactory, undesirable, disagreeable, displeasing, inadequate, unacceptable, bad, substandard, weak, mediocre, no good, lacking, delete-able, wanting, subpar, defective, over-processed, deficient, insufficient, inferior, no great shakes, shite, feces, corny, excrement, onerous, doo doo, caca, pooh, poop, manure, filth, muck, mess, night soil, unwanted, distasteful, nasty, irksome, annoying, irritating, vexatious, repugnant, repulsive, unlistenable, ineffective, below average, disastrous, bomb, flop, feeble, flimsy, mushy, indistinct, impotent, tasteless, flavorless, bland, ham-fisted, insipid, milquetoast, not up to scratch, abysmal, unfortunate, incompetent, inept, sorry, miserable, faulty, not up to snuff, woeful, bum, rotten, not up to par, atrocious, second-rate, inauspicious, unsuitable, dud, stale, tired, banal, played out, uninteresting. fecal matter, turd, boring, unstimulating, uninspiring, colorless, lifeless, mundane, mind-numbing, wearisome. the perfect storm of crud, tripe, drivel, rot, malarkey, twaddle, trash, unsubstantial.

I count 175 ways this song sucks.

And honestly, all I had to say was "It's Bucky Covington covering a Nickelback song" and you could have searched the thesaurus yourself.

Friends, the bar has been set. I don't see anybody limboing under this one.

Total value: .06/.99

The Checklist

Church/God

Mama

Boots

Name Dropping

Dying Person

County Fair

Lost Love

Love

Hometown Pride

Kindly Advice

Truck

Whiskey

Beer

Life Affirmation

USA

Soldiers

Pop Sheen

Star Power

I'm thankful for: a break

This year I'm getting 2 whole days off for Thanksgiving for the first time in years, and although Friday is on my tab, I'm still thankful to get a little rest! I hope you enjoy the holiday and have some great food and fellowship with family (or at least enjoy some football). See you in a few days!

Top 10 Things Bucky Covington is Thankful for This Year

I've already told you a few things I'm thankful for. Now, let's see what ol' Bucky is thankful for!

Top 10 Things Bucky Covington is Thankful for This Year

10. That there was no math on the application to be a country singer

09. Mange shampoo

08. That at least he's no Sanjaya

07. Autotune

06. That his manager lets him carry a scepter around when the "royalties" come in

05. Snus. No more spitting!

04. That the "15 minutes of fame" saying doesn't apply to C-List country singers

03. That Miller Lite comes in 18 packs - 1 for every hour of the day

02. That people inexplicably still enjoy Nickelback

(Honestly, you might not want to click on that link if you value your hearing)

01. That he didn't get caught with those crib sheets on "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?"

I'm thankful for: readers, part 2

Again... I'm quite thankful for reader submissions. They make things a little easier on yours truly. Here's another great set of reader submitted Photoshopped country covers, this time from a buddy from waaaaayyyy south of the border, we'll just call him F for now. Thanks man!

Top 10 Things People in AMA Audience Thought "Gloriana" Was Before The Group Won Breakthrough Artist

10. Particularly weak variety of weed

09. Next movie in the Twilight saga

08. New model of Bentley available only to rapper entourages

07. Perfume line sold exclusively at Big Lots

06. The climax of a fireworks display

05. Title of Mariah Carey's next comeback album

04. Trailer park Kid Rock lives in

03. Janet Jackson's line of nipple-cover jewelry

02. Jermaine Jackson's less flamboyantly named daughter

01. A rarely attempted sexual position involving a garden gnome and pancake syrup

I'm thankful for: readers

I'm thankful for (and to) my readers, the ones who've helped make November (already) the biggest month in FTM history, and especially the ones who send me stuff to post so I don't have to come up with something. :)

Thanks to Ten Pound Hammer/Bobby P. of Roughstock for this amusing pair of Photoshopped album covers.

I'm Thankful for: Free Music

Thanksgiving will be the general theme this week on FTM.

I'm always thankful for free good music! And here are a couple of (perfectly legal!) freebies from the good folks at Big Bullet Records!

Dandelion Snow - "It's Just A Bad Dream" - Indie-folk from Brooklyn-based band that has worked extensively with the members of
Anti-Flag!

Album download (FREE!) -
http://www.mediafire.com/?azdwu11fzbv
Myspace - http://www.myspace.com/dandelionsnow

Greg Loftus - "Heathens In Disguise" - Acoustic-folk from Boston, in the vein of Drag The River/Cory Branan.

Album download (FREE!) -
http://www.mediafire.com/?znwzyttoi1y
Myspace - http://www.myspace.com/gregloftusmusic

YouTube Gems: Corb Lund

From his 2009 album Losin' Lately Gambler, here is Corb Lund with "Long Gone to Saskatchewan."

Top 10 Ways Chris Brown is Attempting to Rehab His Image

10. Keeps wearing a t-shirt that says "Not OJ"

09. Planning to bum rush Kanye West at next awards show

08. Kicking fewer puppies

07. Starting new foundation: "Jackass R&B Singers Against Choking the Sh*t Out of Women"

06. Putting the toilet seat down

05. Giving a huge cardboard check for $80 Kabillion Dollars to local women's shelter

04. Following the R.Kelly "Fix Your Soiled Rep System"

03. Watching an hour a day of Lifetime

02. Not illegally downloading Rihanna's new album

01. Only beating up women his own size

Relative Size Chart #16

Thanks to CM at Country California for one of the stats.