John Rich's Songwriting Tips #27

Respect those who came before you. I showed my respect for Johnny Cash by writing a song that had not shit to do with the Man in Black, yet bore his name as a title. He was honored, or he would have been. Someday, people (maybe you?) will show their appreciation for the roads I paved by sending me royalties from any anti-bankerman songs, treacly love ballads that mention forever, or pro-cowboy riding anthems. And from the baby-faced baller to you, thanks!

*Not actually written by John Rich.

Odds & Ends

Farce the Music now has a "proper" Facebook page

Now you can become a "fan" of FTM (haters are welcome too!):

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Farce-the-Music/292945983273?ref=mf&v=wall

Dierks Bentley Parody (Domino Mashup)

Okay, last parody for a while and this one's an odd duck. It's a parody and a mash-up... with this.

Enjoy (?)

I Want Some Sweet Potato Pie

(Parody of Dierks Bentley's "I Wanna Make You Close Your Eyes" incorporating lyrics from Domino's "Sweet Potato Pie")

Well I've been thinkin' bout going to the movies

But there ain't nothin' like a bunch of hoochies

Ooh wee, just look a'here, done found a trick

I'm that guy, and I need to have a lick

Do you understand?

(CHORUS 1)

Been smokin' weed but girl I really need that sweet potato pie

I want a chunk of that funky stuff so break it off just right

All I need is a girl who is proper and fly

I want some sweet potato pie... that's right

I want that sweet potato pie

(VERSE 2)

That's right, I've been getting messed up off the chronic

That tree, wacky weed or whatever you wanna call it

But I've also been sippin' me some mofo gin

Ain't that romantic, won't you let me in

Or maybe your twin

(REPEAT CHORUS)

(BRIDGE)

Here comes the D, yeah one, two, three

Gonna make you say Whoo wee!

(CHORUS 2)

Been smokin' weed but girl I really need that sweet potato pie

I want a chunk of that funky stuff so break it off just right

As long as you don't mind that I'm drunk and I'm high

I want some sweet potato pie... that's right

(OUTRO)

I want some sweet potato pie... oh

Girl... I need that sweet potato pie

Songs Illustrated 13

Brad Paisley Parody

Arkansas Saturday Night

(Parody of Brad Paisley's "American Saturday Night")

She's got burnt umber Walmart flip-flops on the cooler on her trailer porch

Listenin' to "Small Town USA" by her man Justin Moore

She's half a pack into those Newport Lights, and she's on her fifth beer

Watching her 6 kids in the yard, with curlers still in her hair

And it's a dog lick, mo'skeeter bites

Truck on blocks in the moonlight

(Whoo ooh ooh boy)

Just another Arkansas Saturday night

There's a big crystal meth bust down on the southern side

It was old man Joe Baker and his teenage bride

Half the trailer park's gathered round drinkin' and watchin' the perty lights

It's like they're all hopin' to show up on Cops

And young Mrs. Baker just pulled up her top

Yeah, it's a bunch of hicks, mo'skeeter bites

Yeehawin' in the moonlight

(Whoo ooh ooh boy)

Just another Arkansas Saturday night

You know everywhere has somethin' they're known for

Although usually it's not tick bite sores

Randy Joe's first cousin just gave him a French kiss

I bet he's gonna have to deal with a jealous sis'

(Geetar solo)

You know everywhere has somethin' they're known for

Although usually it's not VD and screen doors

Little Rock and Fayetteville have a lot of false pride

Sooeeeeyyy Pig...

(It's Saturday Night!)

And it's gravel pits, domestic fights

A place called Hope in the moonlight

(Whoo ooh ooh boy)

Just another Arkansas, thank God I'm not in Arkansas

For just another Arkansas Saturday night

Band Mashup: LA + LG =

Country Day January '10

The next post will be...

Country Day January - parody album covers, featuring Clay Walker, Lady Antebellum, Taylor Swift, Tanya Tucker, Josh Turner, Garth Brooks and more!

Another Strait Pun Album Title

Inspired by THIS.

.99 Review Quicktakes

The Band Perry - Hip to My Heart

The Peoples Take

Weird, stupid, makes no sense...POP song (1 Star) - this is NOT a country song...the group is weird sounding, weird looking, this song makes no sense and the lyrics are AWFUL "I like your lips like I like my coca cola"....what in the world?!

by supergurl234

My Take

Take mixed vocal band of young adorable people. Add dopey name. Throw in a cup of Lady Antebellum, a pinch of 4 Non Blondes and 2 tablespoons of Colbie Caillat. Mix thoroughly with a pound of sugar and you've got The Band Perry's "Hip to My Heart." Is it catchy? Yeah. Is it country? HFN. Does it have any lasting significance? Negatory.

Total Value: .17/.99

-----------------------

Blake Shelton with Trace Adkins - Hillbilly Bone

The Peoples Take

Great song (5 Stars) - The best song that I have ever heard!!!

by Bull Rider 123

My Take

If a cliche song is sung by two of the more distinctive and traditional voices in country and everybody hears it, does it still suck? Pretty much. The buoyant personality of the singers is just the proverbial lipstick on a pig.

Total Value: .43/.99

-----------------------

Lee Brice - Love Like Crazy

The Peoples Take

Just found him... (2 Stars) - Not diggin' the music too much yet but they guy is handsome as hell!!!

by Arisanne

My Take

It's probably the least interesting of the 2 or 3 singles Brice has put out thus far and features the most contrived verse I've heard in a while (v2), but this will probably be the one that gives him his first hit. Not a timeless song by any stretch, but this guy's due (and deserving).

Total Value: .55/.99

-----------------------

Lee Ann Womack - There is a God

The Peoples Take:

Sorry, I'm still atheist. (1 Star) - And this song is boring. kthx

- courtney ninja

Buy this song! (5 Stars) - This version is by far greater than Trent's. Lee Ann is a superior singer...PERIOD. People need to recognize Womack and give her the respect she deserves.

- Coatmix

My Take:

A decent song, much more convincingly performed previously by Trent Willmon. "There is a God" is a pretty transparent stab at the commercial success that has eluded Womack for a couple of albums now. I don't begrudge her that, and it likely will be a hit, but it lacks the passion that breathed life into her previous smashes.

Total Value: .58/.99

-----------------------

Jonathan Singleton & The Grove - Look Who's Back in Love

The Peoples Take:

Look who (5 Stars) - Great song with a great beat keep em comin

- The Intibbidator

My Take:

3 minute positive not too country up-tempo love song that falls somewhere between Keith Urban and uhhh... Keith Urban in sound, "Look Who's Back in Love" will probably climb into the top 10 by February and will definitely fall out of your memory by April.

Total Value: .40/.99

YouTube Gems: Ray Wylie Hubbard

From his new album, here's Ray Wylie at last year's South by Southwest with "Down Home Country Blues."

Top 10 Songs Lil' Wayne Will Write While in Prison

10. Autotune My Appeal

09. (Cigarettes) Can't Buy Me Love

08. The Riker's Island Redemption

07. My Cellmate Thinks I'm Flossin'

06. Shivs, Shanks and Money in da Bank

05. I Made the License Plates (for My Own Bentley)

04. Lights Out on Cellblock C

03. Ain't Goin' Down (in the Laundry Room)

02. Best Rapper Incarcerated

01. Mrs. Carter

Band Mashup - AK+AIC=

Hip-Hop, R&B Parody Covers

New Ray Wylie Hubbard...

It's great. I've only listened to it three times, but I can safely say Ray Wylie's new album will likely end '10 in the upper regions of my favorites. Slate calls it the new decade's first essential album. If you've never heard RWH, imagine a cross between Hayes Carll and a toned down ZZ Top (without any of the schlockiness). A proper review here. The only thing about this fine release that made me scratch my head was the album's cover and title (see below). Check out some tracks here. Buy it here.

Parody of Jason Aldean's "The Truth"

Another sophomoric, scatological parody from the demented mind of Trailer...

The Poop

(Parody of Jason Aldean's "The Truth")

Tell em all I went to Walmart

Cause we were runnin' out of beer

That no one should try to call cause I left my cell,

When they ask why I'm not here,

Tell em I'm out on a walk to clear my head of this smoke,

And that I'm probably doing well,

(Chorus)

Just don't tell em dysentary

That I'm here sweatin' like a fool

Tell em any tale you need to,

Just don't tell em bout the poop

Yeah don't tell em bout the poop

Say I got tired of this party,

Went down to the pool hall to shoot a game

Tell em from the huffin' and puffin' you heard down the hall,

That I must be getting laid

Tell em I went to the bar to hear some old rock and roll band,

Not that I'm crying on the can,

(Chorus)

Yeah, don't tell em dysentary

Diarrhea or loose stools

Tell em any tale you need to,

Just don't tell em bout the poop

Yeah don't tell em bout the poop

The truth is that I feel like I could die,

And I slipped back here on the sly,

Man, don't sell me out, I'll even pay,

Please save me from the shame,

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

Tell em anything you want to,

Just don't tell em bout the poop

Yeah don't tell em bout the poop

I'm beggin' you,

I stopped up the loo

Yeah man it's true

With an epic poop

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #26

Immerse yourself in the life that your subject matter lives. How can you know what the common man is thinking or feeling if you sit there on your snooty uptown high horse all the time? That's why I bought myself a bar. Well, that's the #2 reason anyway. So I can park my sexy butt in my VIP booth with my favorite bird (Grey Goose) and observe the real American in their natural habitat. If a motherf***er gets too close they could get dropped, but as long as they maintain a safe distance, they might get a song written about them. That's keeping it real peepz.

*Not actually written by John Rich.

.99 Review: Jessie James "My Cowboy"

This song is kinda old... but, well...

Jessie James

"My Cowboy"

The Peoples' Take:

Not very good! (1 Star) – In the video for this song she looks like a porn star trying to be a country singer. The song is not very good and does not sound original at all!

- bradly8

Why? (1 Star) – This song not considered country music just cause it has the word cowboy in it. Terrible is the only word i canthink of when this song comes one

- eaglebacker

Jessie is awesome (5 stars) - Love this songgg!!! I can't believe all the people hating on it tho..

- GhostHunter033

I don't care bout the song but I wana tap that so bad!! (5 stars) - Yummy

- Alwe

My Take:

This is like entering a greyhound in a horse race. This is calling a spade a diamond. This is painting the White House purple and still calling it the White House. This is Saw 5 being nominated for best animated feature at the Oscars.

Surely you get the point by now. I have made the broad statement about one song or another in the past that "this is the least country song ever released to country radio." I would repeat that hyperbole about Jessie James' "My Cowboy" but it would be an inaccurate statement.

"My Cowboy" is not a country song. Jessie James is not a country singer. Sure, she tried her hand in Nashville like seemingly every young and beautiful person these days but somewhere along the way, her record company or management realized that her voice and image were too slick even for the sparkling mess that is contemporary country. Her self-titled album was released this year in the pop genre.

In November, the song was sent to country radio and re-released on iTunes as a country single.

Ten years ago, this would have been played alongside Christina Aguilera's "Genie in a Bottle" and no one would have batted an eye. It even sounds like an Aguilera tune, come to think of it. The diva-ish shrieking and looped beats pull this along like some dance club kicker, with almost the only thing country about it being it's title.

Honestly, it's not even a very good pop song.

I would love to go off on a rant about the gall of whomever called this country simply because it has the word "cowboy" in the title, but I'll stick to the review.

It sucks.

Total Value: .10/.99

The Checklist:

Church/God

Mama

Boots

Name Dropping

Dying Person

County Fair

Lost Love

Love

Hometown Pride

Kindly Advice

Truck

Whiskey

Beer

Life Affirmation

USA

Soldiers

Pop Sheen

Star Power

Top 10 Things Seen at Last Colt Ford Concert

10. Someone sporting camo pants, Crocs and an Affliction t-shirt

09. Bad honky tonk dancing

08. A Skoal booth

07. Beachball (until it got stabbed)

06. Confused people who bought tickets to a "country" show

05. Babes who measured 38/28/38/5(teeth)

04. One of the final signs of the apocalypse

03. The world's second best hick hop artist

02. No groupies

01. Cousins...

...making out

Before FTM and Photocrap...

I'd forgotten that I attempted a "serious" country music blog back in '07, several months before finding my calling as a satirist and hater. Anyway, I just found that old blog... I had no idea it still existed. In the grand scheme of things, it's not bad and I still like the name, but there are enough straight commentary and review blogs in the world that do it so much better, so I'm glad I got bored with it. If you're bored, here's a link: http://onryandmean.blogspot.com/

YouTube Gems: Levon Helm

Here's Levon Helm performing one of my favorite tunes from The Band.

Hip-Hop Limericks 2

There once was a man had a good day

Smoked dope and shot hoops just like MJ

He felt on some fanny

And killed the poonanny

Didn't even have to use his AK

Relative Size Chart: Willie Edition

Click for a closer view.

Songs Illustrated 12

Billy Currington Parody

Please note that this is a satire as well as a parody.

For Rick...

That's How Obamavoters Roll #tcot

(Parody of Billy Currington's "That's How Country Boys Roll")

They wake up in the morning and they drink their soy latte

Flip on CNN faster than a Mazeratti

On the way to work they might stop by Trader Joe's

That’s how Obamavoters roll

Yeah, they beg, beg, beg, all week till the grant gets done

Weekends they burn down churches while munching scones

They run on a bleeding heart and worship Al Gore

That’s how Obamavoters roll

Chorous

Yeah, they’re cursing God's will

Spreadin' vile filth

From their downtown loft abodes

Singin' Streisand

Might wed a man just because you think it's gross

From Baldwyn to Glover to Ellen and her lover

Total deviance is their goal

That’s how Obamavoters roll

Verse 2

Well they've got to spread the wealth aroud

They'll levy a tax

And if you're broke and you ask

They'll give you the shirt off my back

All they need is a bill to pass

A few dollars to blow

That's how Obamavoters roll

Chorous

They like to kill babies

Ban cuttin' trees

And turn us into Mexico

Singin' Streisand

Might wed a man just because you think it's gross

Politically correct, hating Limbaugh and Beck

Socialism is their goal

That’s how Obamavoters roll

Pelosi!

Yeah they’re whinin' out loud

Leftist and proud

They love Karl Marx but not "Going Rogue"

That's how Obamavoters roll

Don’t you know

Hip-Hop Limericks 1

All respect due to Country Haiku, but this is a tooootally different idea. ;) Ladies and gents, I give you... hip hop limericks.

There once was a white boy just rollin'

In his 5.0, head was swollen

Girls, plat'num and gold

Frozen water's so cold

Made ten mill. off a riff that was stolen

A Closer Look: Stagecoach

Hmmm... a closer look reveals the respect our legends get.

Here's the poster:

And here's a closer look:

*This is a satirical take on the Stagecoach poster and not a representation of the actual poster.

_____Deserves a Sackpunch #7

Anyone who plans to maintain musical status quo in 2010

Are you a formerly popular pop singer, rock band, or lead singer of a formerly popular rock band who has suddenly discovered that you were country all along?

Are you a hip-hop artist who plans to rap about your gratuitous amount of shiny trinkets, the gaudy, wide rims on your method of transportation, your preference for promiscuous women with large, round, mostly exposed derrieres and shooting those who disrupt your work towards acquiring all the aforementioned?

Are you a country singer with a dual lead guitar attack in your band, a vocal twang only in proper company, more than one stylist and a Twitter account maintained by your PR people?

Are you a rock band whose 2010 goals are to open for Nickelback, gain 1/10 of the followers of Nickelback, wear MMA-related apparel, get tattoos on your tattoos and screw lots of skanks, all the while sounding generally like Nickelback?

Are you a pop singer who expects to have her hoo-hah splashed across tabloid websites and skeevy perv sites at least once in 2010, lip sync to factory-written electro-dance songs, and have a minimum of one trip to rehab?

Are you a country songwriter with dollar sign eyes, a "Country Song Mad Libs" writing formula, no foundation in whiskey and tear-soaked real country, and Chuck Wicks on speed dial?

Are you a radio programmer who won't expose his listeners to any song outside the top 30 unless it's a new or previous release by a superstar?

Are you a record exec who prefers sizzle to steak, safe to honest, transient to timeless, album covers to albums?

Are you a blogger/blog reader who will do a great deal of complaining about the sad state of your favorite genre/music in general without offering some alternatives and suggestions towards its betterment in '10?

Are you a "music fan" who claims to be open-minded but has no interest in hearing what's beyond the mainstream this year?

My resolution? 365 days of Mike Tyson's sackpunch-out for every one of you.

FWC&G: AJ