John Rich's Songwriting Tips #29

Go to church. I enter the hallowed halls of my local Baptist church for 2 reasons: 1) hot MILFs in tight black dress pants & 2) to learn the themes and symbolism of Christianity. #1 is a no-brainer. #2 helps you write songs that are seemingly about people who are shit out of luck in life but then you turn it all around with big baby Jesus in the last chorus. Bingo: easy money top 10 hit! And another tip: next time you're writing a song, think WWJRD?

*Not actually written by John Rich.

Country Day: February '10

Next post:

Country Day: February - featuring parody album covers from Brad Paisley, Lady Antebellum, Martina McBride and more! Be here or else!

FWC&G: Carrie U.

Top 10 Endeavors John Carter Cash is Thinking of Licensing Johnny's Name To

10. Jumping Johnny Energy Drink

9. Man in Black African American Hair Products

8. Johnny Cash Money Clips

7. Ring of Fire Ass Cream

6. Johnny & June Passion Parties

5. "Jackson" Pepper Sauce

4. "Chicken in Black" Frozen Blackened Chicken Meals

3. Get Rhythm Wii Game

2. Folsom Prison Blues Blue Jeans

1. Johnny Cash & Dash Check Service

YouTube Gems: Surfer Blood

One of my favorite new discoveries of 2010 is Florida's Surfer Blood, an indie rock band with a cool surf rock/power pop sound. If you like Pavement, early Weezer, The Pixies or even possibly the Beach Boys, you might give these guys a try.

And what is this? An actual scripted, creative, interesting (and odd) video? What is this, the 90's? Here's "Swim" -

Relative Size Chart #18

Click for a closer view.

FTM Interviews Kasey Anderson

FTM pal/ninebullets.net contributor Kasey Anderson's album Nowhere Nights hits shelves next week (it's already out at digital outlets, including iTunes) and FTM is there to ask some hard hitting questions about his influences and the new album.

For those who haven't heard him before, the music is good ol' roots rock with a broad everyman appeal. Kasey's voice is a mix of Jack Ingram, John Mellencamp and Cody Canada, in short, a perfect voice for this style of music. His music sometimes resembles Ryan Adams at his most interesting, The Replacements at their most straightforward and a dash of Gin Blossoms style pop rock. Bruce Springsteen, Will Hoge and Tom Petty also spring to mind. But while his music recalls all those sounds, this album is entirely Kasey. He's a great lyricist and his melodies and hooks will burrow into your brain.

You can download the title track for free right here: Nowhere Nights.

Now let's get to know Kasey a little better in FTM's very first Farce the Music Interview, as the singer/songwriter is interviewed by... himself.

Kasey Anderson's Convenient Truths: The Farce the Music Interview

FARCE THE MUSIC: Alright, tape is rolling so everything from here on out is on the record.

KASEY ANDERSON: You don't own a tape recorder.

FTM: It's a figure of speech.

KA: No, it isn't.

FTM: You've built a reputation as being quite eccentric. Why do you think that is?

KA: It could be the amount of asparagus I eat - there's that smell about me, it confuses and arouses people. It could be my penchant for taking a six-hour nap immediately after waking up in the morning. It could be the fact that I own seven copies of every film Nick Nolte has ever appeared in. There's something about that number. Seven. People can't get their minds around it.

FTM: It does have a sort of mystical, biblical connotation to it.

KA: Right. Seven books of the Bible...

FTM: There are 66 books in the Bible.

KA: Which is divisible by seven. You get a remainder, but...

FTM: Moving on. You've been quoted as saying your first album, Dead Roses, was you "learning how to write songs while tape rolled." How did that experience shape your writing?

KA: That was a literal statement. I had never used paper and pen to transcribe lyrics prior to those sessions. The walls of my apartment were covered in crayon.

FTM: You wrote songs in crayon on your walls?

KA: What? No. I'm sorry. Those two statements were not related. I used body heat to write with my fingers on Hypercolor shirts. That's how I remembered songs.

FTM: Wouldn't that fade?

KA: Doesn't everything?

FTM: How profound. Your second album, The Reckoning, was largely political. How do you feel about what has transpired in the country since 2007, when The Reckoning was released? Have you seen changes?

KA: I have. We all have. You'd have to be blind, deaf, and dumb not to. The 2008 election was a very proud moment for the United States but you start to wonder if electing a new president isn't a little bit like mopping the floor of a burning house. There's a lot of work still needs to be done. We'll get there, but we need leadership, not pandering.

FTM: Nowhere Nights is almost entirely autobiographical. What inspired you to write a record almost entirely about yourself?

KA: A friend was borrowing all of my mirrors.

FTM: The album follows you as you leave Bellingham, Washington, where you lived for ten years. Do you miss it?

KA: No. But the album is not so much about leaving a place as it is about leaving a life. There's that saying, "Wherever you go, there you are," which I really hate because a lot of those people, they move very slowly and they're in my way. I have errands, you know? I have to get to the post office before 3:00 P.M. or the best stamps are gone.

FTM: Right. Of course. How do you feel about "New Country," or "Young Country" music?

KA: A lot of it is catchy but then, so is syphilis.

FTM: A lot of songwriters have checkered pasts; yours is shrouded in mystery. Have you ever had any trouble with the law?

KA: Man's Law, God's Law, Seth's Law, Murphy's Law, Law and Order.

FTM: Isn't that a Zach Galifianakis bit?

KA: The guy from Out Cold?

FTM: Among others, yes.

KA: Never heard of him.

FTM: How do you write? Take us inside the process.

KA: Lately what I have been doing is spending most of the day at the DMV, transcribing people's conversations. Real, slice-of-life stuff. Like Carver.

FTM: Raymond Carver?

KA: I'm sorry, McCarver. Tim McCarver. The broadcaster. McCarver, Joe Buck, Joe Morgan. These are the true modern masters of the English language.

FTM: Anywhere else you find inspiration?

KA: Old shoes, picture postcards...

FTM: That's the title of Tom Waits song. You lifted that directly from Tom Waits.

KA: The guy from Mystery Men?

FTM: Sure. Pretty good songwriter, too.

KA: I don't know who that is.

FTM: Fine. Last question: You'll be on tour for most of 2010. Do you subscribe to the belief that a rolling stone gathers no moss?

KA: Oh, sure. But I have a lamp that's 50 years old that hasn't gathered any moss, either. So maybe I should just stand in one place and let my light shine.

FTM: Wow. That's pretty deep.

KA: I think it's from an old Carrot Top bit.

FTM: The guy from Chairman of the Board?

KA: Exactly.

Suggested new logos for country artists

FTM is always there for country stars. Here are some suggested new logos for come country singers and bands that we feel better represent them than their current artwork. Free of charge...you're welcome guys/girls! Click for a closer view.

OMG! Taylor's in a movie!!

Click for a closer view.

Top 10 Ways Today Resembled a Fairy Tale*

10. Bed had a lump in it

9. Was accosted by wicked witch

8. Climbed beanstalk, busted ass

7. Wished frog was a prince

6. Cleaned house, talked to rats

5. Grumpy husband complained about porridge for supper

4. Lied & smoked cigarettes

3. Wanted to lie down and sleep for 20 years

2. Fattened up children with junk food and candy

1. Angry old man forced me to do hard labor

*Based on a survey of 2,000 non-country singer millionaire females

Something you will not be seeing at today's Super Bowl

Thanks!

Farce the Music passed the 100K hit mark sometime last night (not counting the previous incarnation of the blog, Photocrap), most of that coming in the last 4 months. I just wanted to thank you for visiting and revisiting this goofy spot on the Interwebs. I never thought it would last this long, much less get such a consistent following.

As a tiny token of my thanks, I've got a brand new Lucero - 1372 Overton Park or Miranda Lambert - Revolution (by brand new, I mean, only opened to look at the artwork) CD for the first person to send me (photocrapper at gmail.com) or post a link (in the comments) to an album cover I've never farced and need to. Also, for the second successful submission, I'll give you the remaining CD if you want it.

Thanks again everybody!

YouTube Gems: Great American Taxi

Here's Great American Taxi with "One of These Days." More on this band and their new album in upcoming weeks.

New item for sale in the non-existent FTM store!

You've seen the "Jesus is My Homeboy" and possibly the "Breesus is My Homeboy" t-shirts. Well, now Farce the Music doesn't have a new item of apparel perfect for all you fans of "the cowboy Stevie Wonder!"

Sizes not available: S-3X

Price: $0 + $29.95 (s&h)

FWC&G: Kenny Rogers

Click for a closer view.

A satirical country lyric

If You Say I'm Not a Country Boy

If you say I'm not a country boy

I'll show you that's a lie

I'll crank my truck and shoot a duck

And spit Beechnut in your eye

If you say I'm not a country boy

You 'bout to learn the facts

I'll play some Hank and drink a drank

And wear jeans that show my crack

Chorus

So don't you go and disrespect

Homie I'll put your *ss in check

Ride up in my one-five-oh

Leave you bleeding on the flo'

Singin' "Oh you didn't know?"

If you say I'm not a country boy

Better own a graveyard plot

I'm country bred, my neck is red

And I'll leave yo wangsta' ass shot

(Repeat Chorus)

Bridge

Never mind these hip-hop beats

And these urban dictionary words

Cause I'm country as Strait

Got a Nascar plate

And I can whistle dixie, ya' heard?

So, think twice before you disrespect

Hater, you best come correct

Ride up in my one-five-oh

Leave you bleeding on the flo'

Singin' "Oh you didn't know?"

Tag:

If you say I'm not a country boy

Say I'm not, b*tch!

Oh no you dih–int!!

©2010 Corey Parkman

A Closer Look: Soulja Boy

Click for a closer view.

Garth Brooks + Gwar =

A little begging...

If you have a moment, help me win a caption contest. No logins or signups required! Just go here and vote for The Deuce is Loose ( if that's your fave - if not, don't vote :)): http://www.wjdx.com/pages/mstm.html

Thanks!

Top 10 Things That Won't Be on Chuck Wicks' Next Release

10. Dueling fiddles

09. A duet with Lucinda Williams

08. An un-retouched cover photo

07. A healthy dose of steel guitar

06. A Hank Williams cover

05. Masculinity

04. A song you will fondly remember in 2011

03. The words "cocaine" or "whore"

02. Something written by Fred Eaglesmith

01. My hands

My review of Taylor Swift's Grammy performance

*Yeah, the moratorium on dissing her vocals is over.

Fun With Charts & Graphs

Honest Movie Posters

Click for a closer view.

Best of 2010: January

Yeah, it's way early, but there have already been some solid music releases (or soon will be):

Top Albums 2010

1. Retribution Gospel Choir - 2

*2. Great American Taxi - Reckless Habits (March 2)

3. Reckless Kelly - Somewhere in Time (February 9)

4. Ray Wylie Hubbard - A. Enlightenment B. Endarkenment (Hint: There Is No C)

*5. Kasey Anderson - Nowhere Nights (February 16)

6. Joe Pug - Messenger (February 16)

7. I See Hawks in L.A. - Should've Been Gold

8. Surfer Blood - Astro Coast

9. Vampire Weekend - Contra

10. Spoon - Transference

11. The Honey Dewdrops - If the Sun Will Shine

12. Freedy Johnston - Rain on the City

13. Titus Andronicus - The Monitor (March 9)

14. T-Model Ford - The Ladies Man

15. Raina Rose - When May Came (February 10)

Honorable mention: Lady Antebellum - Need You Now

*More on these 2 soon!

Hair Metal Parody Album Covers

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #28

Keep up with news and pop culture. You gotta stay current with your message to keep the dead prez in your pockets. I've already got a song written and recorded about Tiger Woods cheating on his sexy ass wife (Hey Elen!). It's the lead single for my next, uh, the deluxe super limited edition re-release of my current album. It's called "Nine Wood to the Nuptials"; ain't that catchy? Watch your Fox News, children. That's where the wisdom's at. Especially when I'm a guest on there.

*Not actually written by John Rich.

YouTube Gems: The Devil Makes Three

Here's a cool new video of "All Hail" from The Devil Makes Three!

Badass-o-meter 4

A new look for the B.O.M.

Click for a closer view.

Top Ten Things I Thought Would Happen Before the Saints Made it to the Super Bowl

I'm a long-suffering Saints fan, so yesterday's win propelling them into their first Super Bowl elicited quite a celebration at my house. Here's a list of some things I thought I might live to see first...

10. World peace

9. Rascal Flatts puts out a stone country album

8. Original Guns n' Roses reunites

7. Ellen Degeneres becomes a Republican

6. Mainstream hip-hop becomes relevant again

5. Andy Dick stops living up to his last name

4. Leann Rimes enunciates

3. Taylor Swift goes bankrupt

2. Aliens arrive to take Lady Gaga back home

1. Carrie/Taylor fans call a truce

Band Mashup: BW + WZ