John Rich's Songwriting Tips #16 & 17

#16 Try not to get hooked up with a writer or performer who has wildly different ideals than you. I mean, say for instance, you're a party hard, rockstar, jet flying, limo riding outspoken pimp who's on the Republican side (the right side)... you might not want to team up with a long haired, nice guy, peacenik, hippie dippie, lovin' everybody, helping the poor liberal kinda dude. Again, that's just a theoretical example, but when they say opposites attract... well maybe, but it can make for some damn frustrating songwriting and some spotty output. Not that I'd know about any of that.

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#17 It's only okay to experiment when you do so with an eye on whatever styles are cool in the mainstream at the time. When we did "Save a Horse," rap was popular. When we put out "Big Time," songs that didn't become hits were the in-thing. We released "Comin' to Your City" when godawful tunes that could be used as annoying sporting event anthems were all the rage. Keep your finger on the pulse of what's hot. I keep my fingers all up in it. On my next album, I'm all about the autotuner.

New Soulja Boy cover: because he's trending on Twitter

The Pirate Song

In honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day:

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©Bret Bingham/Corey Parkman

Video Gems: Lucero

Farce the Music's favorite band, Lucero, is releasing a new album entitled 1372 Overton Park on October 6th and they've let fans film videos for all 12 songs on the record. The first one is called "Darken My Door" and it's equal parts hilarious, disturbing and sad. Enjoy!

Darken My Door from Lucero on Vimeo.

___ Deserves a Sackpunch

Nickelback Fan

Admit it. You don't really like music. You just like the way the high school girls look at you when you drive by band practice with "Something in Your Mouth" cranking out the windows of your ragged out Mazda that still has the loud pipes. The huge guitar riffs stand as tall as the popped collar of your creatine fueled muscle filled Affliction polo shirt as you nod and raise an index finger towards the cute blonde with an oboe in her mouth. The bass in your Kenwoods pounds as hard as your Red Bull-juiced heart as you glare at the skinny high school boys waiting for their girlfriends by the band hall. You could kick all their asses at once, couldn't you? And Mr. Kroeger's garbage post-grunge hard rock band would also play on the soundtrack to that melée, wouldn't it?

Some would say it's Nickelback who's at fault here, but I'm gonna disagree. They're just a few guys who got lucky and found the magic formula for making millions of dollars a year by reproducing the same song over and over and over and over, throwing in some naughty sex talk every now and then for spice. That formula has earned them groupies, fine cribs, fancy whips, country songwriting gigs, record companies and fame. Who would give up that meal ticket? I wouldn't. Good on 'em. I can't stand them, but good for them! You go Chad!

No, it's you, Nickelcrack fan, who needs to feel the insane pain on your lower membranes. You are the one who fills the band's coffers year after year, despite their general repetitive suckiness. You are the douchebag who hates music unless it makes you look cool to the underage girls you stalk on your lunch break from Kinkos. You need something to pump you up while you're stinking up the Bally's leg press machine in your Ed Hardy wife beater. You're the tool who gets so drunk at the concert you don't even remember anything about the show except "that dude I beat up in the bathroom after I puked." You suck worse than the band. "How you remind me" of people who end up in jail for nefarious sex crimes and arson.

You probably don't have a very large target due to the 'roids, but assume the position. It's time for a migraine inducing, sperm-count reducing sackpunch!

Taylor Swift Parody

Bloodstains on My Guitar

(Parody of Taylor Swift's "Teardrops on my Guitar")

He looks at me, I can tell that he's shocked to see

That I want to discuss our matter acoustically

"I'ma let you finish, that's a pretty good rhyme

But this is one of the greatest hits of all time"

Talked over me, I laugh cause it's almost funny

He's gotten quiet now that he's getting what's coming

This Gibson's light brown finish is about to turn red

As it makes a crash landing on Kanye's ginormous head

[Chorus:]

'Ye's the reason for the bloodstains on my guitar

Leave him laying in a heap ontage and seeing stars

He's a jerk, interrupts, I'll keep beating, till he is brown and blue

Ye's on his knees, can he tell that I'm happy?

I don't accept his apology

Can't tell me nothin' - I'm watchin' him bleed

Now here's another hit like Barry Bonds

Cognac is no excuse, Mr. West better find some gauze

[Repeat Chorus]

He had no home training, but that don't make it right

Put this on Twitter, Pink, Kanye's

Gettin' concussed tonight

Kanye's the reason for the bloodstains on my guitar

Left him laying in a heap ontage and seeing stars

He's a jerk, interrupts, I kept beating, till he was brown and blue

A jackass spittin' blood, but it's still not enough

Gonna step on his package with my boots

'Ye begs and pleads, but we agree to disagree

More Kanye West "Bumper Stickers"

Relative Size Charts: 12 & 13

Okay, so I stood up for Ms. Swift. She's a nice, talented girl who didn't deserve being disrespected.... but that doesn't change anything at FTM. :)

Kanye Day

Here's a smorgasbord of features (including parody album covers (a couple you've already seen before), fun with charts and graphs, a YouTube Gem and bumper stickers) dedicated to that misunderstood genius, Kanye West! Click on any for a closer view.

Kanye Day: Fun With Charts and Graphs

Kanye Day: YouTube Gems

Kanye Day: Bumper Stickers

Taylor Swift's Acceptance Speech Guest

Garage Sale: Day 4

This is the 4th and final day of the FTM Garage Sale. Back to your regularly scheduled programming tomorrow. (To the easily offended, please note that the Jerry Lewis cover is based on this news item and other Lewis comments.)