I've already told you before that me and my boy Big Kenny were the originators and the innovators of hick-hop along with our big black cowboy compadre, Mr. Cowboy Troy. What you may not know, as a white-bread honky from whatever shit town you came to Nashvegas from, is how to write a hick-hop song. Big & Rich were before their time getting crunk son, so I know how to make them Benjies, yo. Get on this new trend and make that bankroll while it's hot, dawg! What you do is to tune in to the urban station for at least an hour a day. Pick up some slang and some swagga for your lyrics. Next, you get yourself a black friend. Maybe you could meet one at the Starbucks and be like "'Sup homey, you wanna chill?" As you converse with your new bro, listen to his or her cadence and how they put phrases together. Ask them about their culture and home life and act interested so you can gain their trust. Maybe even say something like "Hey bru-main, if you was to talk about a girl wearing cut-offs in a pickup truck in a field, how would you say it?" This is a sneaky way to get them to write lyrics for you... just make sure to have the voice recorder going on your phone when you do this research. Next up is actually writing the song. Get yourself some dank ganja and blaze up a spliff. Pour you a glass of Courvoisier and kick back in your full leather recliner with a generic beat track you stole off the internet playing on your iPad and get to laying down 16 bars! It really is that easy. Between the verses, make sure to place a catchy chorus with rearranged lyrics from a Florida-Georgia Line song and BAM. Next thing you know, you'll be the baddest cracka in the gated community! Put some extra 'Ohs' in yo bank account, kid. MAKE IT RAIN ON DEM COUNTRY HOEZ!!!!
*Not actually written by John Rich