Showing posts with label John Rich. Show all posts
Showing posts with label John Rich. Show all posts

Nov 8, 2019

John Rich to Headline Christmas Tree Lighting at John Rich’s House

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, December 02, 2010 
John Rich, of Big & Rich and songwriting and solo fame, is slated to perform at and do the flip-switching honors for the Mt. Richmore Christmas Tree Lighting. The December 5th ceremony will commence with a mini-concert from Cowboy Troy, Gretchen Wilson and Kid Rock w/ Sebastian Bach. 

After igniting the resplendent purple and white LED beacons on the 20-foot Vermont balsam fir in the Mt. Richmore courtyard, superstar country singer John Rich will take the stage for a one-hour set of classic and contemporary country hits. 

Food will be available for purchase in the right atrium of the courtyard, with special guest cook Cowboy Troy grilling steaks and lobsters for guests' enjoyment. And, of course, there will be several outlets for attendees to "get their drank on." In addition to a main bar in the left atrium of the courtyard, there will also be a mini bar at the food concession and three rolling liquor carts to serve guests as they enjoy the holiday festivities. For VIP guests, there will also be drinks available in the elevator and bathrooms. 

"It's a huge honor to be at the head of the table, so to speak, for this great Christmas celebration!" beamed Rich at the press conference announcing the lighting. "Hopefully this will be an annual event... and I'd be happy to help out when I can, since it's for such a good cause." 

All profits from the concert will go to the Middle Tennessee RJRB (Replenish John Rich's Bar) Foundation and guests will receive an autographed 8x10 glossy of the country megastar wearing a Santa suit. Tickets will not be available for purchase, but Rich himself will visit local high school and community college campuses to hand out entry vouchers to "talented" students and co-eds. 

Wrapping up the press conference with a sales pitch, Rich smiled: "Come on out and celebrate Christ's holy birth, girls… uh, folks. Johnny Cash would be there if he was still alive." 

Jul 10, 2019

John Rich's House Even Cooler Than You Thought

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, April 07, 2010 

When it comes to country superstar John Rich, even the home he lives in is controversial. Called an eyesore and a blight by "jealous neighbors," Mt. Richmore is even cooler than you might have imagined, says an anonymous source who has visited the well-equipped abode several times. 

This insider, who asked us to refer to him as Bart Mozart, says all the bright lights pointing away from Rich's home are for good reason. "It's so nosy-ass locals can't see all the cool sh** in there. Dude, they'd sh** a brick if they knew!" said Bart. 

We've all heard about the fully-stocked bar in the elevator, but that's just the tip of the awesomeness iceberg, according to Mr. Mozart. There are also mini-bars in each of the five bathrooms, another fully-stocked bar in the master bedroom and a wine locker the size of a football field directly underneath the house. In addition to those liquid amenities, Mt. Richmore's main bar (staffed by two bartenders and six buxom waitresses) also has a bar in its bathroom, and the pool table opens to reveal a beer vault. 

"John's even working on figuring out how to put a bar inside the bar; man, how f***ing cool is that? We figured out that you are never more 4 1/2 feet from a dose of refreshment," laughed Bart. "And we party like it's 1989... uh, I mean 1999, or whenever.." 

Behind the family room on the second story, Rich has built a full recording studio with enough room for an entire band with backing horns to rehearse or record crappy music at the same time. There is also a bar both in this studio and in the control booth, with Rich's own "Richmore Ale" on draft directly from the soundboard. 

One would think that so much potential drinking might lead to some accidents, but Bart says JR has planned for this. "Every room has a vacuum system built into the floor to suck up anything you spill, and the walls are made of a super strong polymer that's kinda soft to fall against but tough enough to withstand a brawl or a thrown vase, not that those things ever happen," informed Mozart. 

"Bart" went on to describe the pad's home theater (w/ bar), garage (x2), kitchen (yep) and dining room (sure), all designed with the most forward-thinking style, technology and accommodations for drinkers available on the market today. He also said to catch him on the latest season of Celebrity Fit Camp on VH1 - then he tried to retract that statement. 

In summary, Mt. Richmore is truly a marvel of western innovation. 

Jun 4, 2019

John Rich Singing “Shut Up About Politics” is Like:

John Rich, who's more famous for being politically provocative over the last few years than writing or performing songs, has a new song out called "Shut Up About Politics." Well, that's pretty much like....


Florida-Georgia Line calling out people who use auto-tune

Shooter Jennings making fun of short people

Kane Brown covering “Murder on Music Row”

Miranda Lambert coming out against violent lyrics

Dustin Lynch calling someone a sellout

Dustin Lynch having a clothing line called “Stay Country”

Chris Brown wearing a “Mean People Suck” t-shirt

Tracy Lawrence talking sh** about Chris Brown

Luke Bryan saying somebody should act their age

David Allan Coe complaining about a sub-par concert

The Bellamy Brothers being against mixing country and rap

A Beyonce fan calling someone obsessed

Jamey Johnson saying Chris Knight waits too long between album releases

Hank 3 telling someone to watch their mouth

Tim McGraw saying someone has a stupid looking hat

Mitchell Tenpenny calling Old Dominion creepy

Old Dominion calling Mitchell Tenpenny creepy

Zac Brown saying any song is embarrassing

Apr 11, 2019

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #83

I’m gonna be completely real with y’all. I haven’t been doing this column much in the past couple of years because I don’t know what the hell to tell you. Clearly, I don’t know how to write a hit country song in this era, so how am I supposed to give you advice? So, either listen to a bunch of Gavin DeGraw and write kind of sleazy but respectful songs entirely speaking to a generic “you” who is the woman you desire. Or… or, you can still go the bro-country route, only as long as you take the country part out. Bro pop? Shit man, it’s enough to make an established songwriter have to sell his stately manor with an elevator, runway lights, and 9 bars, and downsize to a measly million dollar starter home. And this Lil Nas X thing? That could change it all. Do I need to learn to rap now? Do I need to have Billy Ray Cyrus on all of Big & Rich’s songs? Can we say “boobies” in country songs now?? I’d have been dropping d-cups in every damn song if I’d known. And why do we have to let the singer have a credit on every song now? Just because Morgan Chase Russell added one trendy phrase to the lyrics doesn’t mean his handsome ass deserves a sixth. F**k that guy. Things are changing fast on Music Row and your space cowboy isn’t sure how to handle it. I’m thinking about just becoming a permanent Fox News correspondent. Politics is easy compared to Nashville now, bitches. Be careful out there!

*Not really by John Rich

Feb 25, 2019

Cowboy Troy Wins PBR Air Force Invitational

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Friday, May 22, 2009 

Big & Rich compadre, country rapper and former Nashville Star co-host Cowboy Troy added another bullet point to his impressive resume Sunday, winning the PBR's "Air Force Invitational" Built Ford Tough Series event in Worcester, Mass. 

Troy, last name Coleman on his birth certificate, topped two-time Professional Bull Riders World Champion Chris Shivers and Brazilian superstar Guilherme Marchi's averages by more than 3 points to take his first prize in the esteemed event. 

"Booyah!" exclaimed Troy as he gently dismounted from his final 90+ point ride, Little Yellow Jacket, all but certain of his victory. Although the genial rapper's bullriding prowess was a well-kept secret up until his participation in the event, the final posted results came as no surprise to anyone who bore witness to his complete dominance of PBR favorites Pinball Wizard, Sling Blade and Pandora's Box. When asked if he was surprised by his win, Coleman smiled: "A little, I reckon, but shucks man, I've been riding and roping since I was a little buckaroo." 

Although Troy is an anomaly for the PBR circuit at well over six feet tall, he is surprisingly agile atop the monstrous animals, ducking smoothly with the bulls' bucks and keeping a low center of gravity. "He beats all I've seen" said North Carolina's JB Mauney. "Damnation he's good; ain't he had enough success in the music world? I play chicken with the trayeeeyain." 

Troy took home a brand new black 2010 Ford F-250 along with a $326,000 purse for his efforts. "Yeeeehaw! Oh you didn't know?" he yelled to the crowd before making his victory circle (pictured). "I got the skills that instill thrills like hydraulics on a Cadillac convertabill... gitchoosome!!!!" 

Troy, who parted ways with Warner Bros. Nashville in 2008, will reportedly use some of his winnings to finance a new indie "hick hop" album tentatively titled Say It Loud, I'm Country and I'm Proud for late 2009 release.

Aug 18, 2017

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #82

 Obviously, I've been getting a little jaded lately. I mean, Big Kenny and yours truly, the Rhinestone Redneck Playboy, are still putting it down (Check out our latest hit, "California!"), but things have slowed a bit on the songwriting side. Have you seen my name on the credits for many hit singles lately? Nah. I mean, don't get it twisted. I'm still living the pimp life hard, son. I still light my Cubans with twenties. But you know… things are different in the ville.

My newest advice is going to be the hardest I've ever given, because it goes against everything I stand for. Like me or not, you know I work hard, write hard, drink hard, and f… never mind. I don't settle for mediocrity. But here's what I'm telling you, based on the trends I see on Music Row.

Settle for mediocrity. If you normally write songs with wit, depth, story, and emotion, don't do that. If you can sing like Elvis or Etta James, take it down a hundred notches. If you can come up with melodies that would make Paul McCartney swoon, stop that shit. Nobody wants that anymore. They want substandard monotone songs sung by people who couldn't place top 5 in a high school talent competition.

Find a bunch of inspirational posters online and do the opposite of what they say. F**k 110%. Give 55%. Dance like somebody is watching and ridiculing you. When the going gets tough, whine.

Write lyrics like you're in an eighth grade creative writing class and can't think of any synonyms. Just go to a party and describe what you see in one syllable words. "Me drive truck, me drink beer, me tell girl, come right here." That's a hit!  Well, it's a hit as long as it sounds exactly like the other songs on the radio.

Don't strive for excellence. Don't try to leave a mark. Get it, fit in, shut up. Yeah, I'm mad. What are you looking at?

*not actually written by John Rich

Jun 26, 2017

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #81

Back in the olden days when Mr. Johnny Rich here was a studly young country singer and songwriter, the biggest piece of advice I ever got was the hardest one. "You have to write songs better than those you hear on the radio." said the old codgers and biddies. When you're young and dumb and full of shit, you've gotta compete with the big timers, the ballers, the OGs, if you will. Artists and labels are more willing to work with who they know. Those writers who've made it tend to get settled in and lazy and start pumping out hits like a hot dog company pumping lips and ears and ballsacks into their juicy wieners.

That used to be quite a chore. Hell, as a twenty-something, I was competing with the likes of Jim Lauderdale, Charlie Craig, and Don Sampson. It was a trial by fire, my friends. You had to come into the writers' room full of piss and vinegar and pacing like a damn silverback, or you'd get torn to shreds by these bad asses.

Nowadays, I turn on my radio and scratch my head when pondering that old piece of advice. This is a sampling of some of the lyrics I've heard lately: "Ooh she got me like yeah baby girl, you gone and done it again." Alrighty then. And "Dang girl look at you, stopping me in my boots, what's a country boy to do but say uh uh." Look, I'm part of the establishment. I'm "The Man," so I hate to talk bad about another cog in the machine, but let's get real. An ADD riddled 9 year old with a D average could come up with more coherent lyrics than that. I could let my cat walk across a computer keyboard and she'd write better poetry.

So basically what I'm saying is… that old advice is pointless as a bowling ball. If you write songs that are better than the ones on the radio, you're probably not getting anything cut. If you write songs worse than those on the radio, you're not getting enough brain function to put on velcro sneakers. I don't know what to tell you. Be famous. Have a dad in the business. Know people. Or get me a couple of extra ketchup packets for my curly fries.

JR out.

*not actually written by John Rich

Feb 28, 2017

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #80

It's a lot simpler these days to become a rich and famous country songwriter. Well, simple if you meet a certain stringent criteria and aren't afraid to whore yourself out. I'm a scholar of songwriting and the changing methods for getting yourself out there. I know my shit children. Don't mean I'm happy about it anymore, but here you go. Fifteen or twenty easy steps. Hop to it.

Be under 30. 

Have a degree or two from Belmont. 

Encourage your tall, handsome, athletic, under-30 friend to learn a few basic chords on the guitar. 

Write some repetitive song lyrics that makes your dude look like a scumbag who's begging his woman to save him. 

"Buy a beat" online. 

Get your friend to talk sing your lyrics over the beat. 

Insert a minuscule amount of nearly unnoticeable guitar or banjo. 

Kiss major ass in Nashville. Like, maybe even do stuff that's against your religion, morals, standards, and sexual preferences. 

Get your buddy a ton of beefcake photo shoots for Instagram. 

Have him record a few covers of mid-2000's "country" songs to put on YouTube. 

Buy some Twitter followers for him. 

Start a few fake accounts posing as teenage girls to talk up your "artist" to other teenage girls. 

Get a lawyer; look into artist management. 

Open some bank accounts. 

Pour a bourbon. 

Light a cigar. 

Lean back in your recliner and wait.

That's it.

Who, me bitter?

*not actually written by John Rich

Aug 18, 2016

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #79

From the Mailbag:

Chris in Texas writes:
John, it seems like the opportunities for outside songwriters is shrinking quickly for the mainstream country market. What are some tips for getting a cut these days?

JR: Well Chris, it sounds like you're probably a bitter and jealous hater. My tip for you is in my pants. My advice for you is to stick with your day job. The way things are going in America, you'll soon make $15 an hour for spinning that sign in front of the Quick Cash Mart. Chin up bro!

Lucy in OKC asks:
I'm so tired of basic rhymes in country songs, like heart/apart, truck/luck, and girl/world. Whatever happened to country music being the home of the common man's poet?

JR: Hey Lucy. Is that you in your Twitter avatar? Kinda hot, girl. You sorta rock my world. Wanna ride in my truck? With a little luck I'll win your heart and we'll never be apart! Hey, what works, always works. Don't waste your time worrying about cliches and overdone rhymes and focus your intentions on not being a bitter and jealous hater. Hit me up with a DM!

Drew in New Braunfels asks:
You haven't had a major songwriting cut besides your own band in several years. Why exactly should we even listen to your songwriting advice?

JR: Bitch, I know you didn't. Big & Rich is the most successful modern day country duo not named Florida-Georgia Line or Dan + Shay. How do you like me now? I've got about 17 holds at the present time and I'm sure they'll pull through. I know people and people know me. Besides, I'm busy with my clothing line and opening another bar, so I'm not exactly flush with time. I make more money in a week than you do playing 200 shows a year at every fartknocker acoustic club and pathetic song swap. Stick to grooming your beard and selling t-shirts out of a road case. I'm the damn paterfamilias and I'm bona fide! Step off, dicknugget.

I hope this week's tips were helpful to you! Good luck and God speed!

*not actually written by John Rich

Jun 29, 2016

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #78

It's hard to stay on the cusp of what's lit (that means 'cool,' for you old jackasses) from day to day in this social media age. Everything moves faster than yayo on Jason Aldean's bus. So how do you keep up with the times when writing songs for country radio? You gotta keep your finger on the pulse, baby. Google what was popular on pop radio 8 months ago. That'll tell you what the next trend for Dustin Lynch, Chris Lane, and all those directionless dudes will be. EDM? Been there. Sexy-time R&B? Done that. Right now, it's straight up dance music that's moving the needle. Has anyone actually had a hit with a country pop dance song yet? Not really. Don't matter, bitches. If that's what the culture at large is tired of, then that's what country radio has to provide. How else are dropout white boys with $60K trucks and their hair stylist intern girlfriends going to feel cool driving to their parole meetings? Don't get caught with your pecker in your hand. Stay current. Try Twitter. Watch the trending topics. Get on the Snapchat and read some stories in between the wiener and boob pics. You'll learn while you're being entertained. I'm currently working on some songs for the next trend… "Woke" country. Don't matter if you're a right winger like me, you'll be bobbing your head to some BLM and SJW socially aware hip-hop country in a few months. Doesn't matter if your heart's in it; think with your wallet. It's all about those greenbacks, son. Evolve or die, fam.

*not actually written by John Rich

Mar 30, 2016

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #77

From the mailbag:

Kevin in Georgia writes: With the reduction of mainstream radio playlists, the consolidation of media and record labels, and the greatly lowered number of songwriters actually getting cuts in Nashville, is there really any point to trying to break into the business if you're not willing to kiss corporate ass or make friends with douchebag up-and-coming singers?

Me: No.

Kayla in Texas asks: My boyfriend is a good-looking white rapper inspired by Sam Hunt and Colt Ford. What's the best way for him to break into the country music business?

Me: Record a half-dozen YouTube videos of him covering country artists he's never heard of and won't sound anything like ….and wait.

Josh in Ohio writes: How do you balance performing, songwriting, running businesses, and having a family with your true loves of ego and alcohol?

Me: Well, Josh. If you care to drive your anonymous ass down to Nashville and ask that to my face, I'll give you a little insight. I'll put my foot so deep insight your ass, you won't ask me something like that again.

Vanessa in Washington State wants to know: Do you think the success of Chris Stapleton will open the doors for authentic, gritty country music and should songwriters anticipate that shift by writing more story-driven and emotional songs?

Me: I know, Vanessa, I'm worried too. I'm hoping this is just a trend like the great credibility scare of the late 80s. Nashville righted the ship then, and they'll do it now. Don't you fear. There may be a few months of hard twang, whining steel, earnest lyrics, and a general lack of flash, but in no time at all, this town will get back to its roots and deliver the pandering, trend-driven, sexy pop music we know and love. Stay strong, y'all!!

Mar 10, 2016

Farce's Wall of Honor Gets a Major Upgrade

The Farce the Music Wall of Honor

We here at FTM consider it a positive, nay a victory, when an enemy of truth in country music on Twitter has finally had their fill of brutal honesty from us and blocks our account. While still nowhere near the level we hope to achieve, we've had at least 6 well known artists/head honchos deem us unworthy of reading their tweets. Witness, the FTM Wall of Honor!

And welcome our new crown jewel, none other than Mr. Luther Bryan!

Had to go back and add the infamous Mikel Knight, Country Rap King, as well...

Dec 15, 2015

Little Known Facts: Christmas 2015 Edition

This is a special extra long Jeremy & Trailer collaborative Christmas edition of Little Known Facts. Some artists get two facts...

John Rich celebrates the holidays by adding a couple ounces of eggnog to his mug of bourbon.

Colt Ford and Frosty The Snowman wear the same size pants. 

A Christmas Story is Gary Levox's favorite Christmas movie. 
He always cries during that emotional scene when the dogs eat the Christmas dinner.

Santa decided to skip the Levox house this year because someone always beat him to the cookies. 

Shooter Jennings doesn't wear red coats during December
because someone always tries to put him on a shelf.

Shooter Jennings had to delay his upcoming album "Countach (for Giorgio)"
until next year to allow him to spend more time working in Santa's workshop. 

With his new contract Chad Brock is experiencing a resurgence of popularity
but unfortunately some of the children pee on his lap while giving their wish list. 

Every year around this time Farce The Music is overwhelmed with emails asking to post Scotty McCreery
on a shelf pics. 99% of those come from addresses ending with 

All Luke Bryan wants for Christmas is his two front ...testicles.

Santa will have a reindeer shit on the floor of anyone that posted #WhoIsChrisStapleton in 2015. 

Jason Aldean only watches the first 20 minutes of How the Grinch Stole Christmas.

Instead of receiving coal in their stockings this year, badly-behaved
country singers will be forced to share a dressing room with Mojo Nixon. 

73% of Brantley Gilbert fans are more concerned with making
 the warden's nice list than they are with Santa Claus' list. 

Old Dominion hopes they get switches for Christmas, because they're perverts.

Bucky Covington is hoping the mild weather continues throughout Christmas. He says it sucks
when your spray bottle of water freezes while cleaning windshields at a Nashville red light. 

Country singer Sam Hunt celebrates Christmas by dressing in outlandish costumes
and knocking on neighbors' doors asking for candy.

Frankie Ballard decorates his home for Christmas with… wait, who the hell is Frankie Ballard?!?

The only item on Martin Shkreli's Christmas list is a Kane Brown album. 

Christmas is a special time of year that can bring a smile to anyone's face. 
Except Kenny Rogers anytime after 2011. 

Bucky Covington always gets kicked out of the record label's Christmas party 
for being too drunk and because he doesn't work there.

Oct 7, 2015

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #76

Confidence. Cocksureness. I prefer the second term, bitches, but they're similar in meaning. Know yourself and how badass you and your ideas are when going into a co-writing session. This way, you'll always know that your vision and yours alone will be preserved in the final product. Cooperation is for hippies whining about the free-market and holding Bernie Sanders signs. Be the gall-dang paterfamilias in any situation in which your name will be attached to something that will bring in dat cheddar.

Say you've got a meeting set up with Joe Songwriter and Jane Sweetpants. Go into that sumbitch with a title, theme, chorus, and tempo. Tell Joe and Jane to fill in the verses because you're too money to trifle with that bullshit. Be the race car driver. They're the crew. This is what makes a good working relationship: boss and underlings. 

You don't go into your everyday job and tell your boss "I think we should flip the burgers every 30 seconds, not every minute" or "What if we picked up the garbage on one side of the street first and the other on the way back?" Hell no, it doesn't work like that. Somebody has to be in charge. Be the HMFIC of your songwriting group. 

Creativity can only flourish when controlled and guided by the humble genius of a certified songwriting G. Be the G. Gold-plate that iPad. Add that grotto to your swimming pool. Well, not you… me… but you know what I'm saying. 

Get out there and create, monkeys!

*not actually written by John Rich

Sep 4, 2015

Realtime Trax: FTM's Song-Pitching Service

A new FTM service to help connect artists, publishers, and songwriters. Promoting only the hottest, most tempo-driven, active-listener grabbing Top 5-potential tracks from Nashville's youngest and most focus-group tested! Interested parties: Contact FTM for details!

My Love On Fleek
Chris Destefano, Josh Kear, Ashley Gorley, and 12 other writers combined on this hip, bouncy number about a young man's deep and abiding love for the hoochie he just met in a club. Mid-tempo, but pumping. Sounds Like: The Weeknd meets Sam Hunt. And yes, the title is correct. We're trying to stay cool with the millennials, son. *Thomas Rhett considering a hold on this track.

Summertime Thirst
The girls are looking hot in their bikinis and cutoffs and the guys are all ripped and five o'clock shadowed! Feeling thirsty? After hearing this killer cut, you will be! Primed and perfect for release as a single in early April of 2016 for a summer peak, this Bruno Mars meets Bruno Mars jam will have speakers bumping in all the jacked up 4x4's! Pour a drink and move on this sure hit immediately!
Shane McAnally, Ashley Gorley, and Ross Copperman writers.
*Thomas Rhett considering a hold on this track.

Turn Up (Da Country)
This club banger written by an army of LA and Nashville's brightest songwriters is the perfect Spring/Summer 2016 cut. Features tons of slang we think will be "raging" next year and is completely customizable to house/EDM/rock/hick-hop edits. We've crunched the numbers and this one's a hit! Perfect for male vocal band or hot, blonde female.

She's Basic, But She's Mine
For the C-level male artists, this one should endear artist to the average-looking, 15-30 year old female demo who love pumpkin spice. Important career-extender type song. Mid-tempo with current references and a bridge that even MILFs and cougars can get behind, this one's a sure Top 20-ish hit to get your Scotty McCreery-strata artist on a major tour as a curtain jerker. Written by The Warren Brothers & John Rich.

Aug 21, 2015

The Farce the Music Wall of Honor

We here at FTM consider it a positive, nay a victory, when an enemy of truth in country music on Twitter has finally had their fill of brutal honesty from us and blocks our account. While still nowhere near the level we hope to achieve, we've had at least 5 well known artists/head honchos deem us unworthy of reading their tweets. Witness, the FTM Wall of Honor!

Had to go back and add the infamous Mikel Knight, Country Rap King, as well...

Jul 27, 2015

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #75

In this, the 75th(!) edition of Rich's Tips, I'll give my retort to a few bits of stupid advice from other songwriters. I mean, who are you going to listen to? Them (who I won't name so as to not embarrass them, even if they've had lots of success), or yours truly - the crackalackin-cowboy co-writer of such eternal gems as "Comin' to Your City" and "Fake ID?" Alright then. Here we go.

1. There's no right or wrong way to write songs.

Bullshit! There's a right and a wrong. There's first place and there's losers. This songwriting tip is akin to saying little Johnny deserves a trophy for being on the damn team, even though he can't hit a slider and his throw to the plate is suspect, and his team came in third place. This country's a bunch of whiners and enablers and I'm sick of it. Sit your ass down with just your guitar and a pad …and your 6 best songwriter friends, and write a classic! Don't experiment. Don't f*** around with a proven formula. This ain't Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood and "you being you" don't pay the Audi lease.

2. Write from the heart.

Again with this sissy crap. Yeah, go ahead… get out your My Little Pony notebook and your gel pens. Sprinkle some potpourri around the room. Turn on some Enya and pour your little feelings out in glittery bits of subpar Dead Poets' Society nonsense. Cry a little while you do it, you little wuss. Now, if you want to make real art, the kind that sells millions and makes drunk b**ches dance, listen to me. Write from the ballsack. That's it.

3. Don't fake it.

Did Johnny Cash shoot a man in Reno? Hell no! Do I put the moves on college girls in pickup trucks after leaving frat parties? Not that you know of! So let's dispense with this tip quickly. Be as fake as you want. Writing a song isn't the same as giving a legal deposition - which motherf****ers lie on anyway;  I'm here to tell you from experience. Hell, I write rap songs for a certain artist from a country north of here and nobody can even tell. Do I have "beef" with rappers? (Yes, but for purposes of this article:) No. Do I party with scantily clad stoned girls? Well, maybe these aren't the best examples… but you get my drift, Pedro. I've got about as much street cred as Jeb Bush, but I drop them bars like B.I.G. (rest in peace, my homey). So, do what you gotta do, especially if you started from the bottom. Play a part. Lie. Make dem Franklins. I'm out!

*Not actually written by John Rich

Jun 3, 2015

John Rich's Songwriting Tips #74

 This isn't really a songwriting tip. It's a short editorial based on some questions I've received lately. "John, how do we get more females on country radio?" they ask me. When I get through pondering for a few hours how to get my damnself on country radio, I let myself slip back to this question.

It's a big deal lately, apparently. Salad gate or whatever they're calling it… Some radio dude said to stop playing the chicks. I mean, on one hand, the numbers don't lie. On the other hand, my favorite numbers are 38, 24, and 38. So, that's a conundrum, son.

I sat down in my fully stocked, wi-fi enabled, leather recliner with some Goose on the rocks and taxed the old melon for a bit. If Johnny boy wants to see more feminine flesh on stage at the 15 country music awards shows each year, how can Johnny boy advise the tomatoes to get there? And then it hit me! Backing vocals!

Now I'm no sexist, but Ashley Monroe's a hot piece of country produce, and how exactly did we get to witness an ample flash of thigh from her on a recent awards show? She sang with Blake Shelton on a #1 f***ing hit! That's how.

So ladies, chicas, hoochies, honeys, women, lend me your rear, I mean ear…. every opportunity that arises for you to provide a sweet, sexy, subservient, cooing behind a male superstar's manly, aggressive, powerful lead vocals is an opportunity you should fall to your knees for.

Even if it's like "ooh daddy" between lines about picking you up onto the tailgate to lay some pipe, or singing "yeah, I like it like that" after a chorus about a romantic deflowering in a cutover, do that! Insist that your name be on the song… you know… "Pop The Clutch" by Jason Aldean ft. Kacey Musgraves or "Waxing the Chrome" by FGL w/Raelynn… it's just enough to change the paradigm, whatever the f*** that means. Hell, I love women on country radio. Or beside it, on my bench seat, but hell, that's semantics.

Let's do this, girlies! Baby girl, you've come a long way and it's time DJ's had to at least mention you in passing! End the discrimination against curvy hotties. Sing backup on a hit and flaunt that body! Now, never let it be said that the rural route Romeo never did anything for the babes.

*Not actually written or approved by John Rich


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