Selective Rage

Woman Googles Country Singer’s Politics to Make Sure She Likes The Song

A recent convert to country music fandom, Marietta Lester of West Memphis, AR, is doing a little research. The song she just heard on a TikTok video really grabbed her. So much so that she replayed the video several times, bobbing her head along to the sparse but plaintive tune. 

“I had to stop myself though!” said a concerned Lester. “I can’t be sure that the melody is truly pleasing to my ears until I make sure the singer shares the exact same political ideologies as me.” 

Lester immediately began to scan the internet to verify that she did indeed enjoy the song. “What if he supports the people who are trying to destroy our country?” she pondered. “What if he didn’t boycott the same companies I was boycotting in 2016??”

Throughout her Google, Wikipedia, and Twitter (X) investigation, Lester searched both the singer’s name and the song’s title, to little avail. His only online presence of note was the one TikTok video and an old Reddit sportscar thread where he called someone a “dickhead” in 2019. 

“I just need to be sure it’s good - my ears have lied to me before.” said Lester. “It’d be so bad if I told the people in my bubble I like the song and they already had the inside scoop that he was one of those fascists on the other side of the political aisle! They’d kick me off the text thread and Linda wouldn’t meet me for brunch at Another Broken Egg on Friday mornings anymore!”

Very little is known of the viral sensation who dropped the hot song, other than his rural living situation and clear lack of a wardrobe consultant. The artist has been courted by several political firebrands on Twitter, but seems content to move his career along slowly.

At press time, Marietta dropped her head a bit and said “Well, the song isn’t actually good after all; he’s a f***ing centrist.”

It's Been a Busy Year

Country Twitter Fails: August '23

 

I kind of love this one

Monday Morning Memes: Zach Bryan, Turnpike Troubadours, Travis Tritt

More Monday Memes: Warren Zeiders, Charlie Rich, Jason Aldean

If These Singers Switched Political Parties

Predicting the Track Listing for Oliver Anthony's First Album

Note: This is satire. I personally get a centrist vibe from the song, but I think the "fudge rounds" line was off-putting and distracting.

Choose Your Table

The Crud Report: July '23, Volume II

Kid Rock’s White House Burns; Meth Lab Explosion Suspected

Country/rock star Kid Rock’s grandiose White House replica home burned overnight, and fire investigators say it appears to be due a meth lab explosion. Experts say the evidence was so substantial and certain that Rock, real name Bob Richey, was taken into custody on scene.

An inside source spoke to us off the record to share the absurdity of the circumstances. “The yard was just littered with burning cars up on blocks, chickens running for their lives, an outhouse, and a makeshift whiskey still.” said anonymous source Terry Jones, assistant fire investigator of Nashville, “It was the wildest thing I’ve seen since that John Rich fiasco.”

He went on to detail the source of the fire clearly being a corner utility room littered with broken beakers, metal piping, and a somehow unscathed pile of Sudafed. “There was also a half-melted metal door sign that said ‘Meth Lab,’ so we’ve pretty much got him dead to rights,” said Jones. 

Back on record with the chief of police, Brittan Marks, we learned that an uninjured Richey was taken into custody without incident, wearing only a pair of flip flops and a “Hillary Lied” t-shirt. He was processed and bonded out a few hours later. 

“With a net worth in the millions, we’re not sure why Mr. Richey would need to be cooking up meth, you know,” said a bemused Chief Marks, “Maybe he was just trying to live up to his outlaw reputation.”

At press time, Mr. Rock was tweeting and working on plans for his new ten-story ass shaped house on the same hill.

#fakenews #satire

This SHOCKING! Garth Brooks Clickbait is Carefully Worded to Infuriate 50% of You

This'll get blood pressure rising!

Farce the Music today posted this clickbait article about Garth Brooks. It says nothing new you can’t read anywhere else, but it doesn’t really matter. This next sentence have doesn’t to make sense any and you’ll still glance through for long enough to make ad impressions or whatever. This is the introductory paragraph that grabs either Conservatives or traditional country fans by the balls and twists. Take that!

{Here are several ads in a row so you’re not quite sure if the story is already over or not. Some of you will leave at this point, but we got your click.}

BUT IT CONTINUES!!! Garth did a thing. What thing?, you ask. Perhaps it was about BEER! 

BEER BEER FRIENDS IN LOW PLACES BEER TRANS DIVERSITY A-HOLES BEER!!!!! Can you imagine the gall it took him to say or do whatever this article is about???? 

This article doesn’t even have enough words to count as an article, does it? Not my problem. Did you hear about GARTH PANTYHOSE WAYLON GARTH FINGER****ING???????? HOLY SHIT THAT’S CRAZY! This’ll definitely play out poorly in the Facebook comments section with friends tagged, John Rich mentioned, and several fights planned that would actually take place if the combatants weren’t in Texas and North Carolina respectively, which is too far to drive for a fist fight, IMO. Regardless, it’s more ad revenue on FB for just mentioning GARTH GARTH GARTH. ALSO CHRIS GAINES IS BACK!

{Another ad for one of our sister websites or possibly Bass Pro Shop or AARP, depending on what the algorithm determines is best targeted to you.}

And here’s where we remind you about that time Garth did that other thing you vaguely remember. HA HA SERIAL KILLER GARTH WHERE ARE THE BODIES, and here’s a screen shot of that creepy video he did and a link to another similar story but if you keep scrolling it’ll go to some more Garth or Miranda stories anyway!

Here is the clever quip to end the article, followed by a cutesy reaction gif or some shit.

At press time, Garth Brooks was [check back in 30 minutes for the next story about him].

{Animal attacking a dumb person at a national park video.}

MIRANDA'S HUSBAND REVEALS HOT BODY ON INSTA!

JELLY ROLL TO GUEST ON EVERY ALBUM FOR THE NEXT 13 MONTHS!

BUCKY COVINGTON ANNOUNCES NEW NASHVILLE FOOD TRUCK

Wrong Soldier for the Battle

Succession Country Reaction Gifs

When an Aldean fan asks if they should try out for Jeopardy

When Blake Shelton called us jackasses for not liking bro-country

When George Jones only had part of the money for his dealer

Why is Wallen a millionaire while your favorite tours in an unreliable beat up van?

When somebody talks about how much they love Dan + Shay

When Waylon and Merle ran into each other in the hall

How to know if you're a character in a Sailor's Guide to Earth song

Me: Perhaps this country song would be better with real drums

Them:

5 seconds into that John Rich / Tom MacDonald song

"Are you sure you won't go see Thomas Rhett & Cole Swindell with me"