Farce the Music: Brian Kelley

Showing posts with label Brian Kelley. Show all posts

Sep 23, 2022

FGL House Now a Spirit Halloween

Nashville residents may recognize a familiar face in an unfamiliar place this week. Spirit Halloween, the spooky holiday’s most famous franchise, opens up shop in the former FGL House Friday, though some of the accoutrements of the former bro-country bar still remain.

“We didn’t have to do a lot, the place is already pretty terrifying,” laughed franchise owner Sparky Suggs. “The moose head, the antique light fixtures, the haunting scent of Axe, the ghosts of hookups past… all we had to do was add the Halloween products.”

The 4-story brick building in Sobro has been the home of boozy duo Florida-Georgia Line’s branded bar and grill for the past several years, but no more. The duo recently began what they’re calling a hiatus, but which everyone else sees as the end of the formerly popular “butt rock of country” act. The immediate closure and sale of the building seems to lend credence to this opinion.

“We come up from Cumming just to go to the FGL House and bout sh** ourselves. It’s a damn Halloween store now?” complained tourist Kelly Patridge. “We got one of them in the old co-op, I coulda stayed my ass home.”

Suggs certainly understands the concerns over the sudden shift, but he hopes many of the mullet-headed or tube-top-wearing FGL fans who show up will stick around and grab an LED dancing zombie or a sexy Fireball bottle costume. “You’re already here, so you might as well pick up some crap you needed for Halloween anyway,” laughed Suggs.

One drunken customer didn’t seem to notice the change and was seated at one of the bars (now a booth for custom airbrushed trick or treat bags) trying to order a Jagerbomb from the confused artist. “He’ll figure it out eventually,” said Suggs, shaking his head.

At press time, Brian Kelley was sneaking in to retrieve his Kid Rock autographed beer bong he left in a storage closet.

Sep 2, 2022

This Guy Honors Florida-Georgia Line’s Legacy

Well, I can’t belief it but it has finally come. The day what I never imagined… Florida-Georgia Line’s last concert has happened. They have said their just taking a break but that’s what my ex-wife said too and that bitch is living in Gwata malla or something.

Any way, we’re hear to honor the glorious career of Florida-Georgia Line, the greatest country band in history! They paved the way for country music to not be lame and sad like it used to be and opened doors for awesome singers like Walker Hayes, Mitchell Ten Penny, and Morgan Walling. I can’t thank them enough for making country music great again.

Man, all the times I macked on honeys at a bar while “Cruise” was playing. They new I was a man of distinct coolness when I new every word! I’d take em back on a back road in my lifted Raptor and give em the disappointment of their lifes, but hell their’s more fish in the sea.

Me and my boys did many a keg stand listening to “This is How We Roll” and then we went out for a drive and listened too it some more and threw stuff at signs. Those were the days!

Now, FGL has a lot of critics, so let’s be honest. Were they the best singers? Probably just top 5 all time in that cat a gory. Were they the best lyric writers? Hell yes. Did there songs kick the most ass? You are motherf***ing right! So suck it critics. This band changed the face of are favorite music for the better so go listen to you’re sad boy American Airconditioner or Taylor Simpson or what ever and let me enjoy my good time classic country from Brian and Tyler!

I’m sad too see them go, but I will always cherish the mammaries. Don’t cry because its over, smile be cause of the good times what was. I wish I had been they're for there last show, but I was their in spirit! I hope the crowd pumped those fists, sang those songs, drank those beers, staired at them girls in cut off shorts. Dam that sounds like heaven. Anyway, thank you FGL for the grate music guys!

Pour out a Fireball for da boyz!