More Monday Memes: Hank Sr., Florida-Georgia Line, Garth Brooks

 

Instant Controversy

Reginald Spears on Vern Gosdin, politics in country music, and Morgan Wallen

AmeriQana Album Selling Poorly

A recent album from roots rock band Gadsden Four has barely moved 100 copies since its release in March despite a strong marketing campaign from its indie label. We Go All, a 10-track treatise on all manner of cockamamie conspiracy theories, has gone mostly unnoticed despite speaking to a passionate segment of society.

“I tell you what,” said a frowning Freddie Huddleston, lead singer of Gadsden Four. “It’s clear to me that our ads for the album have been shadow-banned, deprioritized, extreme hidden, regular hidden, comment ghosted, stealth-erased, and super-secret-inverse-quiet-muted on social media and I’m sick of it! Ours is a message every non-adrenochrome ingesting American needs to hear!”

We Go All, released March 11th, is a surprisingly listenable mix of folk-rock and country tunes until you pay attention to the lyrics. Songs about infant harvesting, JFK Jr’s faked death, woke commie satan worshippers, mind-controlling energy drinks, and President Biden’s secret slave trading ring speak to the bat-shit-crazy fringe who find Hank Williams Jr. too liberal.

While no evidence of shadow banning the promotion of the album or band exists, Gadsden Four have found no foothold in the Americana genre whatsoever, failing to land even one booking to play at a reputable venue. “We played a Klan barbecue down near Mobile and a Citizen’s Council cakewalk in Mississippi, but we can’t get any bars to let us play,” said bassist Lynn “Hurricane” Hodges. “They say we’re too ‘controversial’ and ‘not for public consumption’ and ‘in need of a stay at the state mental hospital’ but we don’t let the haters slow us down.”

Huddleston says he hopes Elon Musk’s recent purchase of Twitter brings brighter days for the band and their “political movement.” “I need America to know about reggaeton-and-rape-addicted immigrants swarming our borders and the lizard people bringing about the enslavement of the world population and the purple goblins who live in my shed and tell me all their prophecies when I huff degreaser,” yelled the worked up vocalist. 

At press time, the band was performing as a two-piece at a Proud Boys wine mixer due to the bassist and drummer being in jail on stalking and arson charges.

We Go All track listing:

1. Red Pills and Whiskey

2. Save the Kids

3. The Second Storm

4. Dallas in the Meantime

5. It’s Not Crazy If You Believe It

6. Wake Up!

7. Blue Haired Girl

8. Kanye Was Right

9. 1-06-21

10. They Stole Are Land [sic]

#fakenews #satire

I intentionally did no research into Q-Anon’s beliefs beyond what I already knew from news reports and instead just made up a bunch of stuff so anybody who believes any of that crap would get triggered.

Double Edged Sword

Country Halloween Costumes

Choose Your Tribe

California to Ban Country Songs about Gas Powered Trucks by 2024

Governor Gavin Newsom today announced that he will aggressively move the state away from its enjoyment of pop-country songs about gas-fueled pickup trucks. He issued an executive order requiring all new pop-country songs about vehicles, especially trucks, to explicitly mention that they are zero emission after 2024. 

The entertainment industry (including music) is responsible for more than 7% of all of California’s carbon pollution, all while jacked-up, coal rolling, nut-swinging pickup trucks continue to spew toxicity into the atmosphere. 

“We simply can’t have all these catchy, vibe-filled, vaguely country songs glorifying using these beasts for ‘fun’ when they are literally responsible for Donald Trump, I mean, pollution.” said Newsom in a prepared statement for the press. “Therefore, we are directing record labels not to promote songs about feet on a dashboard, or having CIS white sex under the stars in a truck bed, or mudding in a pasture with a beer in the cupholder without letting the listener know that the vehicle is an EV.”

He went on to lament the irresponsibility of Nashville in idolizing such vehicular monstrosities. “I listened to Cali Country Y102 today for an hour, and literally every song had a truck in it,” Newsom continued. “Just think of the good we could do if all 15 of those songs replaced ‘F-150’ or ‘Silverado’ with ‘Lightning’ or ‘Endurance;’ every mullet-headed white boy in community college would suddenly think it was cool that Morgan Wallen got busy in a Rivian, or whatever.”

Free speech advocates have threatened legal action following the executive order. “While we also cringe at songs with dudes talk-singing in a southern accent about cruising for women in their squatted 70,000 dollar pickup trucks their dad bought them, this is certainly unconstitutional grounds the governor is walking on,” said Jenni Perkins, a spokesperson for the ACLU. “We will be strange bedfellows with the republican bros for once, it appears. Yee Yee!, or whatever they say.” 

California will be leading the nation in this effort, in hopes of removing garbage from both the environment and the airwaves. 

At press time, many conservative California country fans agreed with the order, but they’d be damned before they ever admitted it. 

Guess It Depends on Your Point of View

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Well the People in the City Hate the People in the Field

Still More Overly Politically Correct Country Songs

My Cis-Het Male Parental Unit Doesn’t Speak to a Non-existent Deity Anymore - Chris Stapleton

Dinosaur - Hank Jr.

Waylon on My Willie - Tyler Childers

Elder Bohemian - The Bellamy Brothers

Caucasian-Tonk Person - Dwight Yoakam

I’m Gonna Hire a Person Who Uses Alcohol Unhealthily to Decorate Our Home - David Frizzell

Mt. & Mm. Used to Be - Ernest Tubb / Loretta Lynn

You Misspeak - Reba

(I’m a) Stand by My Person Person - Ronnie Milsap

Romany - Merle Haggard

Consensually Given Physical Pleasure by a Rural Cis Male - Wheeler Walker Jr.

Privileged, Young, Uneducated, Sex Enjoyer - Cross Canadian Ragweed

More Overly Politically Correct Country Songs

 Folsom Carceral Unit Depressive Disorder - Johnny Cash

Deity Take the Wheel - Carrie Underwood

Migrant Agricultural Worker from Muskogee - Merle Haggard

Feathered Indigenous Americans - Tyler Childers

Intellectually Disabled CIS Young Woman - Keith Urban

Rhinestone Ranchhand - Glen Campbell

Kaw - Liga - Hank Williams

Louisiana Cisgender Woman, Mississippi Cisgender Man - Conway Twitty & Loretta Lynn

You’re the Reason Our Offspring are Aesthetically Challenged - Conway & Loretta

War Dissenters and Cowpersons - Cody Jinks

Penis in Former Confederate States - Hank III

If You See Them, If You See Them - Reba

Xe Don’t Know Xe’s Attractive - Sammy Kershaw

Overly Politically Correct Country Songs

No serious commentary from either side of the aisle, please. Just having fun with language. 

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Birthing Person, My Partner is Mentally Ill - The Judds

Wichita Lineperson - Glen Campbell

C-O-N-S-C-I-O-U-S U-N-C-O-U-P-L-I-N-G - Tammy Wynette

Quing of the Road - Roger Miller

Good Hearted Adult - Waylon Jennings

Caucasian Tonkin’ - Hank Williams

Xe Stopped Loving Xir Today - George Jones

Seven Latinx Angels - Willie Nelson, Ray Charles

Parent Tried - Merle Haggard

Native American Person Impacted by the Justice System - Tim McGraw

If the Afterlife Isn’t a Lot Like the Southeastern United States - Hank Jr.

I Am a Person of Constant Sorrow - The Soggy Bottom Boys

Folically Blessed Rural Resident - David Allan Coe

You Ain’t Womxn Enough - Loretta Lynn

Gestational Parents, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowpersons - Waylon & Willie

Struggling Country Band Reckons They’ll Just Buy an Electric Van Now

With gas prices hitting an average over $4.25 a gallon nationally, struggling independent country and roots rock band The Whiskey Hawks reckons they’ll just buy an electric van now. 

At the urging of celebrities to “walk, take public transportation, or buy an EV” to defray rising costs, the band figures the latter is the most doable. “We can’t walk to Chattanooga or Asheville, and there’s no public interstate transportation, and Greyhound won’t let us bring the amps and monitors, so I guess we’ll just spring for a $53,000 electric touring van,” says lead singer Aaron Lavox. “No biggie.”

The Whiskey Hawks, who have made a profit of $631.09 doing spotty tours over the last two pandemic stricken years, expect to pool their individual savings, kids’ college accounts, and the tips drummer Gus makes at the BBQ restaurant, and will only have five-thousand or so left to go. They plan to start a Go Fund Me to make up that difference. 

“It’s surely a sound investment; I’m thankful these wealthy famous folks who live in metropolitan areas where it’s easy to walk or take a subway let me know these great tips on saving money!” laughed bassist James Squier. “Don’t get me wrong, we definitely support Ukraine, despite the fact that you sense that we may be being facetious about buying a van, but let me assure you we are not.”

Russia’s invasion of Ukraine has sent oil prices soaring in recent days, never mind that they were already soaring before that. Some analysts remind us that gas prices this high preceded the so-called Great Recession a few years back, but The Whiskey Hawks just laugh off all the doom-saying.

“Shiittt, I can’t wait to plug that bad boy in and drive for three hours then plug that bad boy in then drive for three more hours, then plug that bad boy in, then get to Nashville to play for beer and $500,” smiled guitarist Steve Hobert. “It’s definitely our place to suffer for the government and oil companies’ greed and failure to have the resources and system in place to avoid such economic calamities.”

At press time, the guys were deciding which of them were healthy enough to sell plasma. 

Monday Morning Memes: Florida-Georgia Line Edition

You’ve Been Unfollowed and Blocked for Liking Ernest’s “Flower Shops” ft. Morgan Wallen

Hello, longtime follow. I know we have generally gotten along for years on this godforsaken social media network. I know we haven’t actually discussed politics, even though I think I know yours and I KNOW you know mine. I know we both love country and Americana music and don’t care for pop-country and that we could probably share a beer and have a nice time.

HOWEVER…. I saw who you really are yesterday and for that I must bid adieu.

You’ve rarely mentioned Donald Trump, despite (I assume) being a conservative. You’ve never made any overtly racist, homophobic, transphobic, or sexist Tweets that I can recall. You don’t even follow Jordan Peterson or Don Jr. (I actually do, so I can be angry all the time). 

BUT…. It’s clear what you feel in your heart of hearts. 

When you tweeted “I’m not a fan of either guy, but that new Ernest & Morgan Wallen song is surprisingly good and surprisingly country,” it became clear to me that I was following a vile racist. You may not have said as much, and may never have said as much in the 4 years and 10 months I have followed you, and may have never uttered a single racist word, joke, or thought in your entire life, but there is no doubt in my mind that your hatred for black people is incompatible with my de haut en bas morality. 

The entire weight of 400 years of servitude, imprisonment, discrimination, othering, red-lining, and dismissal fell upon my shoulders as I read those 21 words from your repugnant mind. I was literally weeping and shaking, knowing my internet acquaintance had betrayed my trust and the trust of 80 million+ Americans. 

That you even clicked ‘play’ on a song that included MoreKlan Wallen was one thing. That you were able to overcome the bile rising in your throat and the sense of performative rage creeping into your mind to dare utter that you found the song “surprisingly good” is a testament to your inhumanity. 

I know you’ve shared memes making fun of Wallen. I know you spoke ill of Wallen when the “n-word” video came out, but this dark world calls for action, not words. Your words leave you on the side of David Duke, Scott Baio, Nathan Bedford Forrest, and Kid Rock. Just because your ears and mind find something pleasurable doesn’t mean you have to allow yourself to like it, much less announce that to society. I pray you find your way back to the correct side of history.

Farewell.

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