Showing posts with label politics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label politics. Show all posts

Oct 9, 2020

Americana Singer Actually Should Shut Up and Sing

Roots rock singer/songwriter Alessa Torrance is facing a problem not new to artists of her ilk. Fans and casual listeners alike are constantly telling her to “shut up and sing.” In most cases, that phrase is used to express discomfort with the political opinions a singer is putting forth on social media or between songs at concerts. However, in Alessa’s case, it seems like a good idea.


“She’s always talking about her toenail fungus.” said Jerry Lucas, a fan of Torrance since 2008. “It’s really disgusting and I’d rather hear her misguided opinions about the border wall than foot hygiene.”


Another concert-goer told us Alessa was obsessing about a mole on her back during the show he attended. “She even stopped mid-song one time to pull her shirt up and show it to an RN in the audience.” said Bill Phillips of Des Moines, “She was convinced it was skin cancer, but I just wanted her to entertain me.”


Many country and Americana singers are met with disapproval for sharing their thoughts on Donald Trump, Joe Biden, Covid-19, the economy, and other topics in these divided times. Artists such as Tyler Childers and Chris Stapleton have faced backlash for their songs and comments regarding racial tensions. Perhaps Ms. Torrance is the proper focus of this ire. 


“My snot is green… is that normal????” read a concerned tweet from Torrance this past Tuesday. She has also had recent rants and worry sessions about: periods, migraines, pimples, a bout of diarrhea, ingrown hairs, toilet paper, scabs, nausea, and many other personal matters.


“I’d rather have her call me an inbred idiot for supporting Trump than listen to her talk about ear wax on stage.” said Marcy Peterson of Tallahassee, “Her hypochondria is very tiresome; she may need some counseling.”


At press time, Torrance was considering Instagramming a rash to see if anybody thought it was scabies. 


Sep 10, 2020

Famous Protest Songs Updated for 2020


Fear not, this picks on everybody.


Watch the NFL My Ass (I Won't Watch the NFL)

A Can of Soup’s Gonna Fall

American Twittiot

All She Wants to Do is Tik Tok

The Cancellation Will Not Be Televised

Agent Orange Man Bad

Influencer Blues (Make Me Wanna Holler)

The Lonesome Death of Mr. Peanut

If You Tolerate Masks, Your Children Will Be Next

Walking on the Offended Side of Me

Defund Tha Police

Not Ready to Make Rice (Uncle Ben’s)

Meme is Murder

Working Class MAGA

Free Joe Exotic

Get Up Stand Up (is Ableist)

Mercy Mercy Me (The Quarantine)

Another Pylon in the Wall

We Shall Be Socialist

Trump Boat Parade (Bulls on Parade)

Biden in the Wind

Murder Hornet Most Foul

The Night They Drove Hobby Lobby Down

Jan 10, 2020

Americana Singer Dismayed to Find Out He Has a Conservative Fan


Smith Winston lead singer Chance Lipton
Americana singer Chance Lipton, lead vocalist for Smith Winston, is a proud member of the resistance. In fact, his Twitter bio openly states it, reading: “Rise and fight! If you’re a conservative, I don’t value your opinion. Lead singer of Smith Winston. He/Him.”

The reedy 26-year-old tenor has his band on the upswing, with their second album, Drumbeat of Solidarity, due in April, but a recent revelation has him rethinking his career path. “I thought I’d blocked all the mentally deficient baby cagers, but I recently received a Twitter DM that troubled me to the core.” related Lipton. “I’m literally shaking right now.”

Lipton provided us with a screenshot of the upsetting direct message, which reads as follows:
Hey Chance! I’m a big fan of Smith Winston. I’ve kept up with you guys since that EP in 2014. Saw you twice in concert. Anyway, just wanted you to know that you do have some conservative fans out here, despite your bio. I mean, I’m not crazy about Trump, but I’m certainly to the right of you and that’s cool with me. Your music is great and I can separate my beliefs from my enjoyment of art and have an open mind to your message. Take care and keep up the good work!

“My foundations were shaken by this message,” said Lipton. “How could someone who doesn’t have the same level of compassion for the world like my music? I blocked him of course.” 

Chance continued his stream of consciousness self-debate: “Have I written too many basic love songs that even one without the capacity for love could sympathize with? Am I using too little word salad? Do I need to convey more revulsion for the intolerant? Maybe I should just quit if someone with such low intellect and poor opinions has the opinion that my music is something he identifies with.”

Lipton has asked for a short leave of absence from Smith Winston while he works through his issues.


Sep 19, 2019

Famous Protest Songs Updated For Modern Times



Cracker From Muskogee

The Tide Pod and the Damage Done

Chick-fil-a Took My Baby Away
(Okay, not a protest song, but it had to be here)

Hurt Me SoulCycle

Evviva Il Papa John’s

Talkin’ Colin Kaepernick Blues

I Was a Teenage Incel

Give Hashtags a Chance

Your Punisher Decal Won’t Get You Into Heaven

This Meme is Your Meme

Big Yellow Uber

Doxxing in the Name

Outrage of a Small Circle of Friends

De Keurig Man

Yasss Save the Queen!

White Claws for Peace

Would Jesus Wear a TAG Heuer?

Cancellation Song

Nike Punks F*** Off

Let’s Retweet the President

Hobby Lobby… the Punishment Due


Jun 20, 2019

Americana Artist’s Political Song Not Connecting With Audiences

Rising Americana singer Benjamyn Lackey has built quite a following in his short 3 years on the scene. He’s traversed the US to adoring crowds, opening for the likes of Sturgill Simpson and Cody Jinks. His debut album showed up on the top 10 of several year end lists in 2016. He’s even been acclaimed by stars like Vince Vaughn and (AEW wrestler) Cody Rhodes on social media, but Lackey’s teaser single for his forthcoming sophomore album Hens in the Roadpath is meeting with a deafening silence.

The tune, a stripped-down acoustic and drum folk tune entitled “If You’re Republican, Don’t Be My Fan,” has only been streamed 1024 times on Spotify in its 2 months of release. The song’s reception in concert has been similarly subdued. 

“I know it’ll take time to catch on, but people at shows just kind of look back and forth at each other during the song.” Said Lackey. “Maybe they’re commiserating with one another non-verbally over the craziness of the world these days. I’m sure they all agree with me that Republicans are literally as bad as Pol Pot.”

“If You’re Republican..” Is Benjamyn’s first foray into protest music, and critics have been sharply divided. Rolling Stone Country called it “a brave line in the sand and a masterpiece of modern political music, if a questionable commercial approach.” Helping Country Music devoted 15 paragraphs to describing the song as overwrought. Farce the Music made a couple of non-commital but clever memes about it.

We asked fans about the song after a recent show, and they were a bit more forthcoming deep in the beers. “All his other songs are poetic and well-written; that one sounds like a first year political science major frat boy wrote it after a conservative chick turned him down.” said Jennifer Pulaski, a confirmed liberal. “F**k him!” yelled Phil Baker, a Republican. “His other songs kick ass so I’ll come to his damn shows if I want to; what’s he gonna do? Stand at the door with a voter roll?” The crowd, split about 50/50 across the political divide, was firmly in agreement on the ham-fistedness of the song and said that they looked back and forth at one another during its performance as a communal “wtf is this sh*t?” 

At press time, Lackey’s label was considering replacing “If You’re Republican, Don’t Be My Fan” on the unreleased album’s track-listing with a more fan friendly “Whiskey Dick.”

A sampling of the lyrics of “IYRDBMF” follows. 
The world’s so crazy these days
Everybody’s screaming, throwing hands
But only the left is right
So I’m saying with all my might
If you’re Republican, don’t be my fan


Jun 4, 2019

John Rich Singing “Shut Up About Politics” is Like:


John Rich, who's more famous for being politically provocative over the last few years than writing or performing songs, has a new song out called "Shut Up About Politics." Well, that's pretty much like....

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Florida-Georgia Line calling out people who use auto-tune


Shooter Jennings making fun of short people

Kane Brown covering “Murder on Music Row”

Miranda Lambert coming out against violent lyrics

Dustin Lynch calling someone a sellout

Dustin Lynch having a clothing line called “Stay Country”

Chris Brown wearing a “Mean People Suck” t-shirt

Tracy Lawrence talking sh** about Chris Brown

Luke Bryan saying somebody should act their age

David Allan Coe complaining about a sub-par concert

The Bellamy Brothers being against mixing country and rap

A Beyonce fan calling someone obsessed

Jamey Johnson saying Chris Knight waits too long between album releases

Hank 3 telling someone to watch their mouth

Tim McGraw saying someone has a stupid looking hat

Mitchell Tenpenny calling Old Dominion creepy

Old Dominion calling Mitchell Tenpenny creepy

Zac Brown saying any song is embarrassing


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