Showing posts with label politics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label politics. Show all posts

Nov 11, 2022

AmeriQana Album Selling Poorly

A recent album from roots rock band Gadsden Four has barely moved 100 copies since its release in March despite a strong marketing campaign from its indie label. We Go All, a 10-track treatise on all manner of cockamamie conspiracy theories, has gone mostly unnoticed despite speaking to a passionate segment of society.

“I tell you what,” said a frowning Freddie Huddleston, lead singer of Gadsden Four. “It’s clear to me that our ads for the album have been shadow-banned, deprioritized, extreme hidden, regular hidden, comment ghosted, stealth-erased, and super-secret-inverse-quiet-muted on social media and I’m sick of it! Ours is a message every non-adrenochrome ingesting American needs to hear!”


We Go All, released March 11th, is a surprisingly listenable mix of folk-rock and country tunes until you pay attention to the lyrics. Songs about infant harvesting, JFK Jr’s faked death, woke commie satan worshippers, mind-controlling energy drinks, and President Biden’s secret slave trading ring speak to the bat-shit-crazy fringe who find Hank Williams Jr. too liberal.


While no evidence of shadow banning the promotion of the album or band exists, Gadsden Four have found no foothold in the Americana genre whatsoever, failing to land even one booking to play at a reputable venue. “We played a Klan barbecue down near Mobile and a Citizen’s Council cakewalk in Mississippi, but we can’t get any bars to let us play,” said bassist Lynn “Hurricane” Hodges. “They say we’re too ‘controversial’ and ‘not for public consumption’ and ‘in need of a stay at the state mental hospital’ but we don’t let the haters slow us down.”


Huddleston says he hopes Elon Musk’s recent purchase of Twitter brings brighter days for the band and their “political movement.” “I need America to know about reggaeton-and-rape-addicted immigrants swarming our borders and the lizard people bringing about the enslavement of the world population and the purple goblins who live in my shed and tell me all their prophecies when I huff degreaser,” yelled the worked up vocalist. 


At press time, the band was performing as a two-piece at a Proud Boys wine mixer due to the bassist and drummer being in jail on stalking and arson charges.


We Go All track listing:

1. Red Pills and Whiskey

2. Save the Kids

3. The Second Storm

4. Dallas in the Meantime

5. It’s Not Crazy If You Believe It

6. Wake Up!

7. Blue Haired Girl

8. Kanye Was Right

9. 1-06-21

10. They Stole Are Land [sic]


#fakenews #satire


I intentionally did no research into Q-Anon’s beliefs beyond what I already knew from news reports and instead just made up a bunch of stuff so anybody who believes any of that crap would get triggered.

Sep 16, 2022

California to Ban Country Songs about Gas Powered Trucks by 2024


Governor Gavin Newsom today announced that he will aggressively move the state away from its enjoyment of pop-country songs about gas-fueled pickup trucks. He issued an executive order requiring all new pop-country songs about vehicles, especially trucks, to explicitly mention that they are zero emission after 2024. 

The entertainment industry (including music) is responsible for more than 7% of all of California’s carbon pollution, all while jacked-up, coal rolling, nut-swinging pickup trucks continue to spew toxicity into the atmosphere. 


“We simply can’t have all these catchy, vibe-filled, vaguely country songs glorifying using these beasts for ‘fun’ when they are literally responsible for Donald Trump, I mean, pollution.” said Newsom in a prepared statement for the press. “Therefore, we are directing record labels not to promote songs about feet on a dashboard, or having CIS white sex under the stars in a truck bed, or mudding in a pasture with a beer in the cupholder without letting the listener know that the vehicle is an EV.”


He went on to lament the irresponsibility of Nashville in idolizing such vehicular monstrosities. “I listened to Cali Country Y102 today for an hour, and literally every song had a truck in it,” Newsom continued. “Just think of the good we could do if all 15 of those songs replaced ‘F-150’ or ‘Silverado’ with ‘Lightning’ or ‘Endurance;’ every mullet-headed white boy in community college would suddenly think it was cool that Morgan Wallen got busy in a Rivian, or whatever.”


Free speech advocates have threatened legal action following the executive order. “While we also cringe at songs with dudes talk-singing in a southern accent about cruising for women in their squatted 70,000 dollar pickup trucks their dad bought them, this is certainly unconstitutional grounds the governor is walking on,” said Jenni Perkins, a spokesperson for the ACLU. “We will be strange bedfellows with the republican bros for once, it appears. Yee Yee!, or whatever they say.” 


California will be leading the nation in this effort, in hopes of removing garbage from both the environment and the airwaves. 


At press time, many conservative California country fans agreed with the order, but they’d be damned before they ever admitted it. 


Apr 20, 2022

Still More Overly Politically Correct Country Songs



My Cis-Het Male Parental Unit Doesn’t Speak to a Non-existent Deity Anymore - Chris Stapleton


Dinosaur - Hank Jr.


Waylon on My Willie - Tyler Childers


Elder Bohemian - The Bellamy Brothers


Caucasian-Tonk Person - Dwight Yoakam


I’m Gonna Hire a Person Who Uses Alcohol Unhealthily to Decorate Our Home - David Frizzell


Mt. & Mm. Used to Be - Ernest Tubb / Loretta Lynn


You Misspeak - Reba


(I’m a) Stand by My Person Person - Ronnie Milsap


Romany - Merle Haggard


Consensually Given Physical Pleasure by a Rural Cis Male - Wheeler Walker Jr.


Privileged, Young, Uneducated, Sex Enjoyer - Cross Canadian Ragweed

Apr 13, 2022

More Overly Politically Correct Country Songs



 Folsom Carceral Unit Depressive Disorder - Johnny Cash


Deity Take the Wheel - Carrie Underwood


Migrant Agricultural Worker from Muskogee - Merle Haggard


Feathered Indigenous Americans - Tyler Childers


Intellectually Disabled CIS Young Woman - Keith Urban


Rhinestone Ranchhand - Glen Campbell


Kaw - Liga - Hank Williams


Louisiana Cisgender Woman, Mississippi Cisgender Man - Conway Twitty & Loretta Lynn


You’re the Reason Our Offspring are Aesthetically Challenged - Conway & Loretta


War Dissenters and Cowpersons - Cody Jinks


Penis in Former Confederate States - Hank III


If You See Them, If You See Them - Reba


Xe Don’t Know Xe’s Attractive - Sammy Kershaw


Apr 6, 2022

Overly Politically Correct Country Songs

No serious commentary from either side of the aisle, please. Just having fun with language. 

---------

Birthing Person, My Partner is Mentally Ill - The Judds


Wichita Lineperson - Glen Campbell


C-O-N-S-C-I-O-U-S U-N-C-O-U-P-L-I-N-G - Tammy Wynette


Quing of the Road - Roger Miller


Good Hearted Adult - Waylon Jennings


Caucasian Tonkin’ - Hank Williams


Xe Stopped Loving Xir Today - George Jones


Seven Latinx Angels - Willie Nelson, Ray Charles


Parent Tried - Merle Haggard


Native American Person Impacted by the Justice System - Tim McGraw


If the Afterlife Isn’t a Lot Like the Southeastern United States - Hank Jr.


I Am a Person of Constant Sorrow - The Soggy Bottom Boys


Folically Blessed Rural Resident - David Allan Coe


You Ain’t Womxn Enough - Loretta Lynn


Gestational Parents, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowpersons - Waylon & Willie


Mar 11, 2022

Struggling Country Band Reckons They’ll Just Buy an Electric Van Now

With gas prices hitting an average over $4.25 a gallon nationally, struggling independent country and roots rock band The Whiskey Hawks reckons they’ll just buy an electric van now. 

At the urging of celebrities to “walk, take public transportation, or buy an EV” to defray rising costs, the band figures the latter is the most doable. “We can’t walk to Chattanooga or Asheville, and there’s no public interstate transportation, and Greyhound won’t let us bring the amps and monitors, so I guess we’ll just spring for a $53,000 electric touring van,” says lead singer Aaron Lavox. “No biggie.”


The Whiskey Hawks, who have made a profit of $631.09 doing spotty tours over the last two pandemic stricken years, expect to pool their individual savings, kids’ college accounts, and the tips drummer Gus makes at the BBQ restaurant, and will only have five-thousand or so left to go. They plan to start a Go Fund Me to make up that difference. 


“It’s surely a sound investment; I’m thankful these wealthy famous folks who live in metropolitan areas where it’s easy to walk or take a subway let me know these great tips on saving money!” laughed bassist James Squier. “Don’t get me wrong, we definitely support Ukraine, despite the fact that you sense that we may be being facetious about buying a van, but let me assure you we are not.”


Russia’s invasion of Ukraine has sent oil prices soaring in recent days, never mind that they were already soaring before that. Some analysts remind us that gas prices this high preceded the so-called Great Recession a few years back, but The Whiskey Hawks just laugh off all the doom-saying.


“Shiittt, I can’t wait to plug that bad boy in and drive for three hours then plug that bad boy in then drive for three more hours, then plug that bad boy in, then get to Nashville to play for beer and $500,” smiled guitarist Steve Hobert. “It’s definitely our place to suffer for the government and oil companies’ greed and failure to have the resources and system in place to avoid such economic calamities.”


At press time, the guys were deciding which of them were healthy enough to sell plasma. 


Feb 18, 2022

You’ve Been Unfollowed and Blocked for Liking Ernest’s “Flower Shops” ft. Morgan Wallen

Hello, longtime follow. I know we have generally gotten along for years on this godforsaken social media network. I know we haven’t actually discussed politics, even though I think I know yours and I KNOW you know mine. I know we both love country and Americana music and don’t care for pop-country and that we could probably share a beer and have a nice time.

HOWEVER…. I saw who you really are yesterday and for that I must bid adieu.


You’ve rarely mentioned Donald Trump, despite (I assume) being a conservative. You’ve never made any overtly racist, homophobic, transphobic, or sexist Tweets that I can recall. You don’t even follow Jordan Peterson or Don Jr. (I actually do, so I can be angry all the time). 


BUT…. It’s clear what you feel in your heart of hearts. 


When you tweeted “I’m not a fan of either guy, but that new Ernest & Morgan Wallen song is surprisingly good and surprisingly country,” it became clear to me that I was following a vile racist. You may not have said as much, and may never have said as much in the 4 years and 10 months I have followed you, and may have never uttered a single racist word, joke, or thought in your entire life, but there is no doubt in my mind that your hatred for black people is incompatible with my de haut en bas morality. 


The entire weight of 400 years of servitude, imprisonment, discrimination, othering, red-lining, and dismissal fell upon my shoulders as I read those 21 words from your repugnant mind. I was literally weeping and shaking, knowing my internet acquaintance had betrayed my trust and the trust of 80 million+ Americans. 


That you even clicked ‘play’ on a song that included MoreKlan Wallen was one thing. That you were able to overcome the bile rising in your throat and the sense of performative rage creeping into your mind to dare utter that you found the song “surprisingly good” is a testament to your inhumanity. 


I know you’ve shared memes making fun of Wallen. I know you spoke ill of Wallen when the “n-word” video came out, but this dark world calls for action, not words. Your words leave you on the side of David Duke, Scott Baio, Nathan Bedford Forrest, and Kid Rock. Just because your ears and mind find something pleasurable doesn’t mean you have to allow yourself to like it, much less announce that to society. I pray you find your way back to the correct side of history.


Farewell.

Oct 15, 2021

Aldean Welcomes Thousands of New Fans Who Think He Sucks

Country superstar Jason Aldean is used to the adoration of throngs of pop-country fans across the country who dig his brand of rocked-up twangy bravado, but in recent weeks he’s experiencing something new altogether: new fans who can’t stand his music.

“I’ve never even considered listening to Jason Allen [sic] before I heard he had expressed beliefs publicly that aligned with my own,” said Tara McAllen of Gore Springs, MS. “Now I’m thinking about giving him a shot.” She went on to say that despite being a fan of traditional country and Americana, she was open to seeing the error of her ways. 

Many people across social media shared similar thoughts throughout the week. When country satire site Farce the Music shared a non-political but negative meme about Aldean, dozens of previous non-Aldean-fans expressed their disdain. “I always new you was a damn liberal…unfollowed!” replied Instagram user effyoubrandon, despite the meme having not even a whiff of partisanship. “Effyoubrandon” also added a photo of himself proudly wearing some of Aldean’s “Anti Biden Social Club” gear. 

The trend of music fans putting ideology over art isn’t a recent one (think Dixie Chicks), but has grown as Americans split into camps over issues such as vaccines, gender, and Machine Gun Kelly. It seems many would rather listen to an artist devoid of any depth, talent, or uniqueness simply to “own the libs/repubs.” 

When reminded that he’d frequently told outspoken artists Jason Isbell and BJ Barham to “shut up and sing” in the past, Brad Harbor of Panama City, FL retorted “Yeah, but they hate America. Jason Aldean may be a philandering, bloated, mediocre, angry meathead, but at least he knows the damned election was stolen! I can’t wait to go to one of his shows and get drunk enough to tolerate him!” 


At press time, Luke Bryan was attempting to formulate a mildly controversial opinion.


Oct 8, 2021

Woke Mob Destroys Jason Aldean Albums in Protest

A mob of unruly woke folks staged a protest in front of country singer Jason Aldean’s record company yesterday. They were clearly upset that Aldean had recently been using his 1st amendment rights to criticize President Joe Biden, speak out against mask mandates, and generally promote all sorts of dangerous freedom.

The blue haired and heavily masked troupe staged their protest on Grand Avenue beside the building that houses the office of Broken Bow Music Group, snarling the already terrible traffic near the intersection with Music Square West. 


“We’re here to demand Aldean’s immediate dismissal from the label, and to show our disdain for his very existence.” said Rachel Portnoy, a community developer from Hackensack. 


On cue, a short convoy of Nissan Leafs, Toyota Priuses, and Chevy Volts proceeded down Grand in Portnoy’s direction. She and an assistant, Pierre Effete, stepped off the curb carrying large boxes of Jason Aldean CDs. They dumped the albums directly into the path of the environmentally responsible parade and stood back as the cars crushed them into a pile of acrylic, polycarbonate, metallic film, and torn album liners. One Leaf became stuck in the pile and had to be pushed out by protestors some workers from across the street.


Formerly quiet on the subject of politics, superstar Aldean has recently been more outspoken, cheering on audiences for flouting mask mandates, allowing his children to be photographed in “Hidin’ from Biden” t-shirts, and defending his wife’s sale of said shirts (among other more forcefully worded shirts). “We’re just fed up with his inflammatory speech; while we support responsible free speech, people who disagree with our particular viewpoints clearly cannot handle the freedom.” said Effete, a barista from Belle Meade.


When told that the protest might be bringing previously unknown awareness of Aldean’s politics to a segment of people who’d likely become fans because of those beliefs, Portnoy seemed dismissive. “If this does nothing besides trend on Twitter for 2 hours and improve our cred inside our bubble of influence, then we’ve done our job,” she smirked.


Over on the sidewalk, Pierre attempted to snap an Aldean CD in half with his bare hands, but was unable to break the disc and simply threw it to the concrete before picking it up and placing the pieces in the recycling bin.

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