(Parody of Sam Hunt's "Breaking Up Was Easy in the 90s")
Man, oh man, oh man
Bartender looked at me like, "I'd love to turn that jukebox down"
Someone was playing that modern sound
Something about a damn cell phone
Singin' with a twang but it's just pretend
Funny how it's two times as boring and half as witty
Why did someone pay money for a song this shitty?
The singer must have a nice face
Cause he can't sing worth a damn without the studio tricks and the auto-tune
But hey, what you gon' do?
Chorus
I'm sick of hearin' those snap beats, they just make me groan
Country's more than just some handsome cheekbones
They call it country music but that just reminds me
Country music was better in the '90s
I miss the steel guitar, truth and chords of three
Tired of hearin' pickup trucks and hey baby
Sam and Kane and Luke and them can kiss my hiney
Cause, country music was better in the '90s
Back then we listened to "Dumas Walker" and "Down at the Twist and Shout"
And "Chattahoochee," and "He Ain't Worth Missing" and "Love Lessons"
Sometimes the lyrics were fun and sometimes they were deep
But these days "vibe" is the only thing
And they wouldn't have a fiddle or steel guitar playin'
Or sing about some grown-up shit
Yeah I get sick of it all, I miss real drawling
Miss real country women and men
Chorus
I'm sick of hearin' those snap beats, they just make me groan
Country's more than a TikTok on your phone
They call it country music but that just reminds me
Country music was better in the '90s
I miss the steel guitar, truth and chords of three
Tired of hearin' pickup trucks and hey baby
Florida-Georgia Line and them can kiss my hiney
Cause, country music was better in the '90s
Bridge
Modern country ain't got modern hearts breaking
It's just a product, money for the taking
And I 'bout had enough hearing them living a country lie
I'm sick of hearin' those snap beats, they just make me groan
Country's more than just some handsome cheekbones
They call it country music but that just reminds me
Country music was better in the '90s
I miss the steel guitar, truth and chords of three
Tired of hearin' pickup trucks and hey baby
Thomas and Dustin and them can kiss my hiney
Cause, country music was better in the '90s
“We were duly impressed,” said Luddite Society president Keith Tarlington. “It seemed that nearly every social media post about Luke Bryan was followed with a reply from Carl… a “Who TF is that?” here, a “Luke Bryan, who’s she?” there.” “We were shocked that a human being with functioning sensory organs and an internet connection could not recognize the platinum selling superstar.” he continued. “Therefore, Mr. Outlaw has been bestowed with this distinguished recognition for his willful ignorance.”
While some might suspect Outlaw of simply trolling, friends and relatives say he is honestly that unaware of popular music. “He’s damn proud of it too,” said cousin LeeLee Outlaw. “Makes sure to brag about not ever having heard Florida-Georgia Line, or whoever …like it’s some accomplishment. He’s weird as hell.”
“I don’t listen to the radio” said Outlaw over the phone. “And I haven’t owned a TV in my entire life, so no, I really don’t know who Luke White or whoever you said is. And I’ve also never heard of ‘Beyonsee’ or ‘The Weekend’ or ‘Luke Coats’ or anybody like that and I’m glad I haven’t. I only listen to country music.”
When asked if he meant Toby Keith, Tim McGraw, or Taylor Swift, he sniffed “Who the f*** are they?”
Based on our interview, Outlaw does not, in fact, live under a rock and has not been asleep for 30 years (he’s only 23). He simply prides himself on avoiding any music that the general populous enjoys.
Well enjoy that Panera, oh great sidestepper of the mainstream. You’ve earned it!
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| (this is from the minors, but it had to be here) |
