Jun 29, 2020
Apr 16, 2020
10. Bailing out Uncle Buddyroe after he got a in a fight at Walmart over social distancing
9. Digging hole, dropping check in hole, filling hole
8. Framing it because they think that’s a real Donald Trump autograph
7. Financing their friend who just got out of prison for arson’s hick-hop album
6. Paying cousin Ernie to finish the job on Carole Baskin.
5. Laundering it like they heard about - but finding out that the washer takes the ink off the check
4. Buying an autographed, ring-worn Jerry Lawler singlet
3. Down payment on some teeth
2. Donating to Kyle Larson’s Go Fund Me
1. Trying out this new-fangled ‘toilet paper’ everybody is raving about
♫ ♬ It didn't take me long to learn
that I was born to boogie ♫ ♬
♫ ♬ Well I asked my pappy why he called his brew
White light'nin' 'stead of mountain dew ♫ ♬
When somebody says Sam Hunt is the best country singer
How do you like that new Jesse Daniel album?
When somebody insults the honor of Jesco White
If you think Mitchell Tenpenny is country, you must be
How to know when you're in hick-hop country
It's okay for me to pick at hillbillies because I'm the southern version.
Apr 3, 2020
Police departments nationally reported on Friday that they were using unusual methods to enforce lockdowns and “safer at home” measures during the Coronavirus pandemic. An attempt to avoid harsher crowd control options has led many forces to use speaker trucks to blast music that most people find repugnant - in this case, hick-hop, or country rap, seems to be having the best results.
In Ft. Worth, TX Wednesday, local authorities were alerted to a small block party in a suburban neighborhood. Rather than issue citations or fines, they simply rolled a police van into the vicinity blasting “Outback (Extended Remix)” by the hick-hop group Redneck Souljers. “They lit out of there like their butts were on fire” laughed Deputy Lewis Marks. “I don’t blame them - I felt physically ill listening to it myself.”
A birthday party in Van Nuys, CA fell victim to Colt Ford’s “No Trash in My Trailer.” Carl Jenkins, who had attended the party, told us by Skype that he was injured during the melée as the party broke up. “I may sue their asses - I didn’t trip or fall or anything, but I was mentally injured by that music; I’ve got pain and suffering and PTSD now. I might rather have the Rona.” he grimaced.
An outdoor bat mitzvah in Salem, OR ended in similar fashion. “I hate to do it, but this is for safety and health of the public at large” said officer Lindsay Scanlan, turning on Upchurch’s “My Neck of the Woods” at ear-shattering volume. Audible screams and weeping were heard as the 24 people at the mitzvah scattered like ants.
Similar stories have come in from across the country, but at press time, law enforcement agencies in the Carolinas reported that hick-hop was ineffective in clearing large gatherings and were exploring using flash bombs, rubber bullets, and tear gas.
Jan 15, 2020
10. Plenty of Felonz
9. Porter Swaggoner
8. Dem Konfedurissy Boyz
7. Travis Trill
6. Stormfront Husslaz
5. Incel Muddaz
4. Girth Brukz
3. The David Duke Boyz
2. Johnny Trash and the Men in White
1. Some Guys Who Got Fired from Kwik Lube for Selling Pills
Aug 30, 2019
The Kinfoke Krewz, a Gulf of Mexico excursion featuring country rapper Big Smo, Twang & Round, Lenny Cooper and others, has returned to port in New Orleans amid chaos and reports of crime and illness. 243 of the estimated 703 passengers were arrested once the ship returned shore, on charges ranging from minor assault and underage drinking to kidnapping and drug manufacturing.
The Carnival cruise ship was scheduled to have a stopover in an unspecified Mexican port on Thursday, but the company and Coast Guard officials said the trip had been cut short due to “a multitude of infractions great and small, and a general prevalence of unsanitary conditions and unhealthfulness.”
Before the trip even got underway, several ocean-goers were stopped at the boarding gates attempting to drive their ATVs onto the ramp. The vehicles were stowed in cruise line storage and the passengers were finally allowed aboard.
“They said on the message board that we were gone have a mud bog on the party deck, so I brung my Polaris, but they wouldn’t let me on with the damn thing.” said Timmy “Swaydawg” Thomas of Cary, NC. “They best not be a scratch on it when I get back or somebody a** gettin’ stomped.”
|Country rapper/reality star Big Smo|
Once at sea, situations took an immediately dire turn. All 7 of the women on board (3 of those being hired bikini models) reported harassment incidents to ship security staff within the first 5 hours. Officers were unable to detain any suspects due to nearly every male aboard fitting the description of “moderate height, overweight white guy with sparse facial hair and a Confederate flag tattoo.”
There were multiple fights, 57 reports of alcohol poisoning, 78 thefts, and one abduction. One man fell from a viewing deck into a stairwell trying to catch a vape pen. Fortunately, his girthy stature prevented serious injuries. A convention room had to be turned into a makeshift brig due to overcrowding in the existing facility.
The itinerary, already on shaky ground, was finally brought to an end by several outbreaks of Norovirus, lice, and an unnamed pustulating neck rash. “The hygiene of this group was questionable, to be polite.” said ship captain Paul Childers, “Do they have showers in the Carolinas and Georgia?”
At press time, the passengers of the canceled Kinfoke Krewz were all waiting in line to get in Pat O’Brien’s.