Oct 17, 2019
Sep 6, 2019
by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, March 26, 2013
Garth Brooks is nearly broke.
The somber, emaciated (for him) 51-year-old across the table from our correspondent stood in stark contrast to the color-block shirted, barrel-chested wild man of Nashville memory as he confessed that "girls are expensive."
Despite 200 million in album sales, years of sold out concert tours and an estimated $350 million in career earnings, the country legend is surviving on Spam and saltine crackers these days as he plots his comeback. "I know, I know... I've seen all those VH1 specials about guys like MC Hammer and thought, how the hell did they go through all that money?" admitted Brooks, pulling at a loose thread on his 2008 Old Navy America t-shirt.
Brooks put his career on hiatus in 2001 to see his daughters through high school and into college. The costs of his divorce that year and the upbringing of three girls was a far greater financial strain than any of his fans might have imagined. "Well, Sandy got half and the girls got the other half," chuckled Garth, sipping Big K Cola from a can. "I didn't know Bratz cost so damn much."
"I've also burned through most of Trisha's money with some bad investments," he continued, with a tear the size of a quarter building in his left eye. "The pager store franchise went under in '02... damn cell phones. And my personal brand of offensively bright shirts for big and tall men never got off the ground due to a sweat-shop scandal."
His three-year Vegas run only put a band-aid on the problem as bills and tuition costs slowly ate away at Brooks' remaining fortune. "I've lost 60 pounds, man; all my old 'Mo' Bettas look like circus tents on me now. I'm going in for a third mortgage on the mansion."
A potential comeback is in the cards, though the 26-year Nashville vet is not currently aligned with a record label. "Borchetta is interested in a comeback album, but he's not sure I'll fit the Big Machine mold. Hell, I guess I'd do auto-tune and sing about trucks... I need some money, pardner!" said Brooks.
The "Friends in Low Places" superstar bid us adieu for his afternoon Starbucks shift with these off-topic words: "Everybody blames me for pop-country, but I'm Hank Sr. compared to folks these days..."
At press time, Scott Borchetta had passed on Garth Brooks for a 19-year-old community college dropout with a five o'clock shadow and an intriguing chin scar.
Aug 29, 2019
Red solo cup, I fill you up, it's time to party
When Koe Wetzel says a bad word and you're offended
Every new Whiskey Myers song I hear
Then a shotgun to shoulder
I thought of the fourth of July
"Can you comment on Kane Brown's CMA nomination snub?"
Boom! it was over just like that
And the thunder rolls...
When you're so stoned at the bluegrass concert, you don't even care there's a guy blocking your view
When somebody says Waylon is overrated
Jun 21, 2019
May 13, 2019
Apr 23, 2019
Ayyyyeee, it’s been a while but I’m back! Been going through some stuff but I think their going to let me off with probation.
Anyway, Trailer got me reviewing this new George Straight song like he’s doing me a favor. I know he’s supposed to be the king or whatever, but he’s just a pretty boy too me. Women talk about how good he looks in his jeans… you know who else they say that about? Luke Bryant! Same thing to me. Ain’t neither one of ‘em gonna sing you a song about roping steers on the western ridge while hoping nobody finds you’re wife’s body in that ravine you left her in. That’s real country!!! Not some shaking it or getting carried away bullshit!
George Straight can’t even write a song. What a fraud LMAO! Claims to be authentic but than he sings another man’s words? I can’t have any respect for a “supposed legend” like that. Good honest writers live there songs and then they write about it. Like Colter Damn Wall! I know he spent many a night sleeping on the hard ground with a dead rattlesnake as his pillow. He wrote his own songs so you know that’s true. George on the other hand spends his nights in silk sheets in a five million dollar house with his Prius parked outside. What a joke! Might as well be Florida-Georgia Line too me!
If I met George Straight, I’d spray him in the face with a full can of mace. He’s as much too blame for country being shitty now as Garth Brooks and Randy Travis (another pretty boy who didn’t write every single song by himself like your suppose too!).
I didn’t even listen to this song. I guess it’s about how he likes too drink fruity cocktails and play parcheesi in the upscale bars he visits when he’s trying to sell them his Codigo tequila. He’ll probably stand up on a stage in Las Vegas, not playing his guitar, looking all handsome and singing another man’s song and make another million dollars to put in a Starbucks for his horses or some shit. This guy sucks.