The CMA Awards are tonight. Enjoy!*
A poop emoji is negative, a strike thru is positive. Total score below the chart.
The current Poop Rating of the Mediabase Top 20 is (-22) overall which is an 11 point drop (!!) from July (the previous time we did this chart). The best song is Jelly Roll's "Son of a Sinner." (If I had a time machine and went back and told myself about this one in 2015, I'd think future me was on crack.) The worst is Russell Dickerson and Jake Scott's "She Likes It" followed closely by Dustin Lynch's "Party Mode." I thought we were supposedly in the midst of another great credibility scare...
Chart info from Mediabase/Country Aircheck.
10. A built in audience of TikTok fans you duped into thinking you were talented
9. A gym membership
8. Generic, character-free male country voice
7. Willingness to be an opening act forever (females)
6. Willingness to be a headliner with your own bus right out of the gate (males)
5. Ability to politely say nothing with many words, when asked about a serious topic in an interview
4. Strong knowledge of hair care techniques, including advanced shampoo and condition, heat protection, volumizer, mousse, and shine serum
3. Have large or new family and only talk about them ever and nothing else
2. Musical inspirations must include at least 3 of the following: 21 Pilots, John Mayer, Lil Wayne, Drake, Ariana Grande, Sugar Ray, Kanye, Keith Urban, Imagine Dragons, Taylor Swift (pop era).
1. Be boring as dry dog shit
Bearded poser Louis Reynolds has a decision to make. The burgeoning Americana and/or folk and/or pop-country songwriter is weighing the positives and negatives of cities to move to and genres to shoehorn himself into.
While skilled at writing in none of his options, Reynolds possesses a slightly above average voice and, most importantly, a spectacular beard. The 6’2” former college badminton star, after finding no path to pursuing the sport professionally, picked up an acoustic guitar and learned Snow Patrol’s “Chasing Cars” and was smitten.
Bankrolled by his parents’ eight figure net worth, Reynolds began formulating his plan to become an artist a star in whatever style of music would have him.
“I’ll only have to adapt my look to fit in, err, I mean look the part of either a country singer or an Americana singer. You know, either go sleek and stylish with the beard, or look like I just came down out of the mountains with half an elk on my back.” laughed Reynolds. “Pretty much the same for my fashion choices.”
When asked if he was studying the different styles of music to see where his writing style most organically fit, Reynolds answered “Let’s see. Would I rather rub elbows with Jordan Davis and Sam Hunt, or Cody Jinks and Tyler Childers? Makes you think, y’know.”
“Oh yeah, writing,” he continued. “Either write about trucks used for fun or trucks used for work; no big deal. And the women are either wearing shorts and have their feet on the dash or are sad and working in a Tulsa cafe. It’s pretty simple stuff.”
At press time, Louis Reynolds was trying on stupid hats and checking horribly overpriced apartment listings in trendy parts of Austin and Nashville.