Jan 21, 2022
Unfortunately, the couple had no idea who he was and had him violently removed from the reception hall as he attempted to finish the first verse. Dallas’ manager had apparently not communicated with the couple of the plan to record a viral video of the song at their wedding celebration and they were not amused.
“I thought everybody liked three minute, positive, not-very-country, mid-tempo love songs and mine’s been verrrry popular so I thought surely they were fans,” said a distraught and bleeding Jordan. “I asked my manager if he had set it up ahead of time and he just told me ’Don’t worry, it’ll be great! Everybody loves you!’.”
The couple did not love him. “I still don’t know who the hell that is,” said the exasperated groom, Jerry Pickens. “He just busted in here when the DJ was about to play Etta James’ “At Last” for our first dance, and he started warbling his goofy pop song. As soon as he hit the words ‘truck’ and ‘baby’ I went into action.” Pickens himself grabbed Jordan by his collar and slung him off the makeshift stage at the Pelham Bay reception venue.
Said the bride, Tara, “Our whole playlist after Etta was outlaw country, soul music, and red dirt, so I don’t think his management did its research.”
Jordan described his exit from the function as “impolite, harsh, and definitely not pushin’ P,” whatever that means. The singer was unceremoniously dragged into the parking lot by the groomsmen, doused with champagne and thrown into a dumpster.
“Get that pop country bullshit outta here,” yelled Jerry toward the dumpster as the limo pulled away for the couple’s honeymoon.
At press time, Dallas Jordan was scheduled to embark upon his first headlining tour despite 99.734% of the nation having never heard of him.
Aug 13, 2021
Bearded poser Louis Reynolds has a decision to make. The burgeoning Americana and/or folk and/or pop-country songwriter is weighing the positives and negatives of cities to move to and genres to shoehorn himself into.
While skilled at writing in none of his options, Reynolds possesses a slightly above average voice and, most importantly, a spectacular beard. The 6’2” former college badminton star, after finding no path to pursuing the sport professionally, picked up an acoustic guitar and learned Snow Patrol’s “Chasing Cars” and was smitten.
Bankrolled by his parents’ eight figure net worth, Reynolds began formulating his plan to become an artist a star in whatever style of music would have him.
“I’ll only have to adapt my look to fit in, err, I mean look the part of either a country singer or an Americana singer. You know, either go sleek and stylish with the beard, or look like I just came down out of the mountains with half an elk on my back.” laughed Reynolds. “Pretty much the same for my fashion choices.”
When asked if he was studying the different styles of music to see where his writing style most organically fit, Reynolds answered “Let’s see. Would I rather rub elbows with Jordan Davis and Sam Hunt, or Cody Jinks and Tyler Childers? Makes you think, y’know.”
“Oh yeah, writing,” he continued. “Either write about trucks used for fun or trucks used for work; no big deal. And the women are either wearing shorts and have their feet on the dash or are sad and working in a Tulsa cafe. It’s pretty simple stuff.”
At press time, Louis Reynolds was trying on stupid hats and checking horribly overpriced apartment listings in trendy parts of Austin and Nashville.