The Differences Between Mainstream Country Albums and Americana Albums

How Stupid Are You?

Multiple Arrests at Mainstream Country Festival, Despite it Being Online

At the “Down Home Together” festival this past weekend, it was almost as if things were no different than usual. The mainstream country music streaming show included the likes of Luke Bryan, Kelsea Ballerini, Upchurch, and Jordan Davis playing songs from their living room and was set to raise funds for several COVID related charities, but many fans behaved as if the festival was in a farm pasture. 43 arrests were reported across the 3 1/2 hour show, despite it being online.

25 of the arrests were for online threats of violence as fans got into arguments in the comments over such subjects as COVID-19, masks, beer, Donald Trump, and murder hornets. One man even threatened to fire a rocket launcher into the home of another fan who thought Ozark wasn’t as good this season. Authorities found said man in possession of a rocket launcher and illegal prescription drugs. 

10 more arrests were for actual violence, when online arguments led to actual fights for feuding fans who lived near one another. “I just commented that maybe we shouldn’t be talking about whether Kelsea had “nice t****ies” or not in the comments because it seemed pretty sexist to me, and some Bubba guy from Smyrna drove to my house with a baseball bat.” said Dunwoody, GA music fan Gerald Hopkins. Bubba Carlisle was charged with threats, possession of a controlled substance, and expired tags when police arrested him in Hopkins’ driveway.

Other charges during the festival included attempts to sell meth, dissemination of pornographic content in a public forum, and somehow, a couple of DUIs and drunk and disorderlies. The chaos of the Down Home Together festival has promoters wondering whether or not to rush back to in-person concerts once the pandemic has eased. 

Luke Bryan had no comment at press time, as he was “waxing,” according to his management.

A Senseless Meme

3 Up 3 Down: Chase Rice, Ingrid Andress, Midland, etc.

3 Up

Carly Pearce & Lee Brice “Hope You’re Happy Now”

No snap beats, no slang, real instruments. Lee and Carly’s hit is a pop-country duet full of heartache and harmonies. Their voices sound great together. It’s one of those sad songs that makes you feel good. Well done. 

B+

Midland “Cheatin’ Songs”

We’re over their back story now - you either like their music or don’t. I do. This is a slice of 70s Bellamy Bros-esque goodness with steel guitar and modern slickness. The low key harmonies create just the right mood and there’s even a little self-awareness mixed into the lyrics. Midland is consistently one of the best mainstream artists out there and “Cheatin’ Songs” is another gem.

A

Ingrid Andress “More Hearts Than Mine”

Ain’t a whole lot country about this, but it’s a well-written and gets a lot more personal than most radio fare, bringing a fairly unique angle to relationship tunes. Andress’ delivery occasional veers toward that indie-pop style I hate so much, but never quite goes there and her conversational tone works well for the subject matter. Glad to see this song hit the top 10.

B+

3 Down

Jordan Davis “Slow Dance in a Parking Lot”

Standard issue dude pop-country, typical mid-tempo blah-ness, electronically affected vocals. This is pure boyfriend country. At least bro-country was loud and proud with its crappiness. This is dull and forgettable just like Jordan Davis would be without the beard.

D

Locash “One Big Country Song”

At least it doesn’t have snap beats? That’s a positive I suppose. Locash doesn’t sound particularly inspired …ever… but particularly on this anthem about the shared experiences and values of country fans. “Everybody knows the words to ‘Mama Tried’” is an actual lyric of this song and I guarantee you that 80%+ of Locash fans do not in fact know those words. Honestly, there are several songs much worse than this in the top 40 right now - I was just trying to avoid the usual suspects - but this is nothing you haven’t heard before.

C-

Chase Rice “Lonely if You Are”

Snap beats, typical bouncy R&B lite delivery. This is pretty much a Sam Hunt rip-off without Sam’s lyrical ability and likability (and I don’t care for any Sam Hunt songs, so that’s pretty rough). It’s a booty call song that somehow comes off both sleazy and sleepy. There are a few early Chase Rice songs that show some promise, before he was asking fine ass girls to slide on over or whatever, so one would hope he’d eventually dig a little deeper in his subject matter, but nah. Once a bro, always a bro.

F

Top 10 Ways to Identify a Boyfriend Country Song

10. Singer is non-threatening looking and wearing a $200 ill-fitting t-shirt

9. You can only tell that it’s country because it’s on a country radio station or playlist

8. Singer uses every possible method to avoid saying the word “truck” while singing about said truck

7. “Featuring Lauren Alaina”

6. No real drums - data shows that drums are for boomers

5. Singer is either very handsome or his lack of traditional handsomeness is cloaked by painstakingly manicured facial hair

4. Any steel guitar or fiddle must be used as sparingly as the singer uses contemplation

3. Southern drawl may only rise to the level of “charming Bachelorette suitor”

2. Object of affection must be “beautiful inside and out” and “love her mama” and …that’s about it

1. Shallow song ‘about’ woman takes place of 4 other deep songs ‘by’ women on the chart

Bonus: Singer clearly told the hairdresser "Make it look stupid"

Boyfriend Country Weekly!

Who Really Gives a Damn?

I can't tell one of these dudes from the next. Can you?

Every 2019 Country Hit

Every 2019 Country Hit

©2019 FTM Satire

Snap beat snap beat snap beat, baby girl

I’m shameless, I’ll rhyme that with world

Hey sweetie, are you here all by yourself?

That’s not creepy cause I sung it smooth as hell

Got a sweet beard and a trendy tattoo

Unkempt shirt and a gelled up do

You can tell I’m a bad boy, I bet

Because of those things I already said

And the chorus just goes…

Oooh ooooh oooh girl

Oooh oooh oooh

Oooh oooh yeah girl

Oooh oooh yeah

Snap beat snap beat clap beat little thang

Sang that line with a fake country twang

Barely audible fiddle going on

So people think this is a country song

But the chorus be like…

Ayeee ayeee ayeee girl

Oooh oooh oooh

Oooh oooh yeah girl

Oooh oooh yeah

You know damn well what happens this verse

Got a big truck that never touches dirt

Wanna get in it and get outta here?

I’m tall and handsome so have no fears

Oooh ooooh oooh girl

Oooh oooh oooh

Oooh oooh yeah girl

Oooh oooh yeah

Snap beat

Little Known Facts Makes Its Glorious Return

Insane Clown Posse plans on releasing their entire catalog as country albums in 2019. There will be no changes or remixing done.

Shooter Jennings recently hit the big 4-0 which is a big deal since he was only 3 feet, 11 inches earlier in the year.

Due to him neglecting it while spending so much time on the road and at the beach, Kenny Chesney’s tractor is no longer considered sexy.

Zac Brown’s new rap song has reportedly coaxed hours of valuable information out of terrorists at Guantanamo Bay.

78% of all blacked out names in the Mueller Report were Steve Earle.

Famed Bigfoot hunter Eric Tipton has decided there isn’t enough challenge in looking for the elusive creature and now devotes his time to searching for women on the country music charts.

Jordan Davis’ beard is kind of like Samson’s hair in that it is hair on the head of someone who doesn’t sing country music. 

John Rich was one of the crowd favorites at a recent Nashville songwriting expo after he was a last minute substitution for the scheduled janitor that called in sick. 

Americana is sometimes called “country music for liberals” because much like liberalism, it proclaims gender equality but is mostly run by old white dudes. 

Constantly posting on Facebook about his weight loss vitamins is why John Anderson is the black sheep of his family. 

As a child, Russell Dickerson once got his head stuck in a toilet paper roll. 

I have never heard “Old Town Road” and will remove the genitalia of the first person that changes that.

Kane Brown coming on country radio is the equivalent of the auto flushing toilet pulling the paper seat cover down the drain before you are seated.

—————

Most of these are by Jeremy Harris; a few are by Trailer.

The Hottest New Show in Nashville is...

Reginald Spears Memes: Dolly, Strait, Tenpenny

NOW That's What I Call Opry!

In honor of Kelsea Ballerini's invitation to join the Grand Ole Opry last night, the Opry has today announced the release of NOW That's What I Call Opry! Awesome!

The Current Poop of Mainstream Country: January '19

A poop emoji is negative; a strike-thru is positive.

The current Poop Rating of the Mediabase Top 20 is (-16) overall which is a 2 point drop from last September (the previous time we did this chart). The best song on the chart is Chris Stapleton's "Millionaire."  The worst is Mitchell Tenpenny's "Drunk Me" followed closely by Dustin Lynch's "Good Girl." There is 1 solo woman on the charts. In fact, there's only 1 woman in the entire top 20.

Chart info from Mediabase/Country Aircheck.

Jordan Davis is Not the Sum of His Inspirations

Who Really Gives a Damn?

These people have all had big hit "country" songs, whoever they are. Insert shrug emoji: 

The Naked Gun: Country Reaction Gifs

Sam Hunt's "Downtown's Dead" plays...

A romance inspired by a bro-country song

When some dummy gives you the "country music has evolved" line

"Kane Brown is terrible"

"No, Jordan Davis is terrible"

When a trucker drives by blasting Florida-Georgia Line

Gary Levox takes in a ballgame

 Bobby Bones, defender of modern mainstream country

When a couple on the beach was playing Old Dominion earlier

Walker Hayes singing a George Jones song would be...

Heard any good murder ballads lately?

90s Country Star Comes to the Defense of Modern Country

Amid a steady barrage of elder country singers' complaints about the authenticity of modern country music, 90s star Brad Lee Peterson has come to its defense. 

"Johnny Lee and Travis Tritt and all these other old dudes are just salty and washed" said Peterson. "Man, I like to get crunk to some Sam Hunt and Kane Brown, my dudes. Go drink some Ensure and let the rest of us enjoy how country music has evolved, bro." 

Peterson, the singer of such 1990s favorites as "Hilfiger Cowboy" and "She Don't Blow Up My Pager Anymore" says he understands where the discord comes from, but that country music is in good hands with such artists as Bebe Rexha and Jordan Davis. 

"All this shade throwing comes from a place of jealousy. Jealousy that they aren't getting the airplay anymore." Peterson laughed. "Look in the mirror son, y'all ain't poppin' anymore - old get off my lawn head ass crackers."

"Luke Bryan is really where things started getting better and Florida-Georgia Line just got it lit to another level!" smiled Peterson. "Country music is whatever country radio tells us we should love - they know what they're doing. They knew when they made (Peterson's only #1) "Party Up in My Lowered Truck" a smash hit in '93 and they know now." 

The debate between country traditionalists and progressives has hit several peaks in recent years. Bro-country was extremely divisive and the current trend of R&B flavored music on country radio has raised the ire still higher. Peterson, for his part, thinks it's all overblown: "It goes in cycles - it'll come back around to more classic-sounding country like Rascal Flatts or Shania Twain - then it'll jump out of the box again and do something like mumble-country… but the wheel always turns." 

At press time, Brad Lee Peterson was preparing to release his comeback single "Hashtag Fire (ft. Post Malone)."

Country Doppelgängers: Evan Felker, Clint Black, Koe Wetzel, etc.

 Roy Rogers looked like Clint Black's dad

 Turnpike Troubadour Evan Felker

and actor/Jackass Johnny Knoxville

 Jordan Davis is a less cool 

Opie of Sons of Anarchy (Ryan Hurst)

 Kyle Park and "yodel boy" Mason Ramsey

Parker McCollum and Backstreet Boy, Nick Carter

Koe Wetzel is Mark Henry without the melanin and muscles

Lee Greenwood looks like ...aw man

Latest Country Promo Pics: Isbell, Dan + Shay, Dierks, etc.

Old Dominion