Showing posts with label Jordan Davis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jordan Davis. Show all posts
Apr 1, 2020
Mar 11, 2020
3 Up 3 Down: Chase Rice, Ingrid Andress, Midland, etc.
3 Up
Carly Pearce & Lee Brice “Hope You’re Happy Now”
No snap beats, no slang, real instruments. Lee and Carly’s hit is a pop-country duet full of heartache and harmonies. Their voices sound great together. It’s one of those sad songs that makes you feel good. Well done.
B+
Midland “Cheatin’ Songs”
We’re over their back story now - you either like their music or don’t. I do. This is a slice of 70s Bellamy Bros-esque goodness with steel guitar and modern slickness. The low key harmonies create just the right mood and there’s even a little self-awareness mixed into the lyrics. Midland is consistently one of the best mainstream artists out there and “Cheatin’ Songs” is another gem.
A
Ingrid Andress “More Hearts Than Mine”
Ain’t a whole lot country about this, but it’s a well-written and gets a lot more personal than most radio fare, bringing a fairly unique angle to relationship tunes. Andress’ delivery occasional veers toward that indie-pop style I hate so much, but never quite goes there and her conversational tone works well for the subject matter. Glad to see this song hit the top 10.
B+
3 Down
Jordan Davis “Slow Dance in a Parking Lot”
Standard issue dude pop-country, typical mid-tempo blah-ness, electronically affected vocals. This is pure boyfriend country. At least bro-country was loud and proud with its crappiness. This is dull and forgettable just like Jordan Davis would be without the beard.
D
Locash “One Big Country Song”
At least it doesn’t have snap beats? That’s a positive I suppose. Locash doesn’t sound particularly inspired …ever… but particularly on this anthem about the shared experiences and values of country fans. “Everybody knows the words to ‘Mama Tried’” is an actual lyric of this song and I guarantee you that 80%+ of Locash fans do not in fact know those words. Honestly, there are several songs much worse than this in the top 40 right now - I was just trying to avoid the usual suspects - but this is nothing you haven’t heard before.
C-
Chase Rice “Lonely if You Are”
Snap beats, typical bouncy R&B lite delivery. This is pretty much a Sam Hunt rip-off without Sam’s lyrical ability and likability (and I don’t care for any Sam Hunt songs, so that’s pretty rough). It’s a booty call song that somehow comes off both sleazy and sleepy. There are a few early Chase Rice songs that show some promise, before he was asking fine ass girls to slide on over or whatever, so one would hope he’d eventually dig a little deeper in his subject matter, but nah. Once a bro, always a bro.
F
Jan 29, 2020
Top 10 Ways to Identify a Boyfriend Country Song
10. Singer is non-threatening looking and wearing a $200 ill-fitting t-shirt
9. You can only tell that it’s country because it’s on a country radio station or playlist
8. Singer uses every possible method to avoid saying the word “truck” while singing about said truck
7. “Featuring Lauren Alaina”
6. No real drums - data shows that drums are for boomers
5. Singer is either very handsome or his lack of traditional handsomeness is cloaked by painstakingly manicured facial hair
4. Any steel guitar or fiddle must be used as sparingly as the singer uses contemplation
3. Southern drawl may only rise to the level of “charming Bachelorette suitor”
2. Object of affection must be “beautiful inside and out” and “love her mama” and …that’s about it
1. Shallow song ‘about’ woman takes place of 4 other deep songs ‘by’ women on the chart
Bonus: Singer clearly told the hairdresser "Make it look stupid"
Jan 22, 2020
Nov 5, 2019
Oct 23, 2019
Every 2019 Country Hit
Every 2019 Country Hit
©2019 FTM Satire
Snap beat snap beat snap beat, baby girl
I’m shameless, I’ll rhyme that with world
Hey sweetie, are you here all by yourself?
That’s not creepy cause I sung it smooth as hell
Got a sweet beard and a trendy tattoo
Unkempt shirt and a gelled up do
You can tell I’m a bad boy, I bet
Because of those things I already said
And the chorus just goes…
Oooh ooooh oooh girl
Oooh oooh oooh
Oooh oooh yeah girl
Oooh oooh yeah
Snap beat snap beat clap beat little thang
Sang that line with a fake country twang
Barely audible fiddle going on
So people think this is a country song
But the chorus be like…
Ayeee ayeee ayeee girl
Oooh oooh oooh
Oooh oooh yeah girl
Oooh oooh yeah
You know damn well what happens this verse
Got a big truck that never touches dirt
Wanna get in it and get outta here?
I’m tall and handsome so have no fears
Oooh ooooh oooh girl
Oooh oooh oooh
Oooh oooh yeah girl
Oooh oooh yeah
Snap beat
May 23, 2019
Little Known Facts Makes Its Glorious Return
Insane Clown Posse plans on releasing their entire catalog as country albums in 2019. There will be no changes or remixing done.
Shooter Jennings recently hit the big 4-0 which is a big deal since he was only 3 feet, 11 inches earlier in the year.
Due to him neglecting it while spending so much time on the road and at the beach, Kenny Chesney’s tractor is no longer considered sexy.
Zac Brown’s new rap song has reportedly coaxed hours of valuable information out of terrorists at Guantanamo Bay.
78% of all blacked out names in the Mueller Report were Steve Earle.
Famed Bigfoot hunter Eric Tipton has decided there isn’t enough challenge in looking for the elusive creature and now devotes his time to searching for women on the country music charts.
Jordan Davis’ beard is kind of like Samson’s hair in that it is hair on the head of someone who doesn’t sing country music.
John Rich was one of the crowd favorites at a recent Nashville songwriting expo after he was a last minute substitution for the scheduled janitor that called in sick.
Americana is sometimes called “country music for liberals” because much like liberalism, it proclaims gender equality but is mostly run by old white dudes.
Constantly posting on Facebook about his weight loss vitamins is why John Anderson is the black sheep of his family.
As a child, Russell Dickerson once got his head stuck in a toilet paper roll.
I have never heard “Old Town Road” and will remove the genitalia of the first person that changes that.
Kane Brown coming on country radio is the equivalent of the auto flushing toilet pulling the paper seat cover down the drain before you are seated.
—————
Most of these are by Jeremy Harris; a few are by Trailer.
Mar 6, 2019
NOW That's What I Call Opry!
In honor of Kelsea Ballerini's invitation to join the Grand Ole Opry last night, the Opry has today announced the release of NOW That's What I Call Opry! Awesome!
Jan 10, 2019
The Current Poop of Mainstream Country: January '19
A poop emoji is negative; a strike-thru is positive.
The current Poop Rating of the Mediabase Top 20 is (-16) overall which is a 2 point drop from last September (the previous time we did this chart). The best song on the chart is Chris Stapleton's "Millionaire." The worst is Mitchell Tenpenny's "Drunk Me" followed closely by Dustin Lynch's "Good Girl." There is 1 solo woman on the charts. In fact, there's only 1 woman in the entire top 20.
Chart info from Mediabase/Country Aircheck.
May 31, 2018
Who Really Gives a Damn?
These people have all had big hit "country" songs, whoever they are. Insert shrug emoji:
May 18, 2018
The Naked Gun: Country Reaction Gifs
Sam Hunt's "Downtown's Dead" plays...
A romance inspired by a bro-country song
When some dummy gives you the "country music has evolved" line
"Kane Brown is terrible"
"No, Jordan Davis is terrible"
When a trucker drives by blasting Florida-Georgia Line
Gary Levox takes in a ballgame
Bobby Bones, defender of modern mainstream country
When a couple on the beach was playing Old Dominion earlier
Walker Hayes singing a George Jones song would be...
Heard any good murder ballads lately?
90s Country Star Comes to the Defense of Modern Country
Amid a steady barrage of elder country singers' complaints about the authenticity of modern country music, 90s star Brad Lee Peterson has come to its defense.
"Johnny Lee and Travis Tritt and all these other old dudes are just salty and washed" said Peterson. "Man, I like to get crunk to some Sam Hunt and Kane Brown, my dudes. Go drink some Ensure and let the rest of us enjoy how country music has evolved, bro."
Peterson, the singer of such 1990s favorites as "Hilfiger Cowboy" and "She Don't Blow Up My Pager Anymore" says he understands where the discord comes from, but that country music is in good hands with such artists as Bebe Rexha and Jordan Davis.
"All this shade throwing comes from a place of jealousy. Jealousy that they aren't getting the airplay anymore." Peterson laughed. "Look in the mirror son, y'all ain't poppin' anymore - old get off my lawn head ass crackers."
"Luke Bryan is really where things started getting better and Florida-Georgia Line just got it lit to another level!" smiled Peterson. "Country music is whatever country radio tells us we should love - they know what they're doing. They knew when they made (Peterson's only #1) "Party Up in My Lowered Truck" a smash hit in '93 and they know now."
The debate between country traditionalists and progressives has hit several peaks in recent years. Bro-country was extremely divisive and the current trend of R&B flavored music on country radio has raised the ire still higher. Peterson, for his part, thinks it's all overblown: "It goes in cycles - it'll come back around to more classic-sounding country like Rascal Flatts or Shania Twain - then it'll jump out of the box again and do something like mumble-country… but the wheel always turns."
At press time, Brad Lee Peterson was preparing to release his comeback single "Hashtag Fire (ft. Post Malone)."
May 17, 2018
Country Doppelgängers: Evan Felker, Clint Black, Koe Wetzel, etc.
Roy Rogers looked like Clint Black's dad
Turnpike Troubadour Evan Felker
and actor/Jackass Johnny Knoxville
Jordan Davis is a less cool
Opie of Sons of Anarchy (Ryan Hurst)
Kyle Park and "yodel boy" Mason Ramsey
Parker McCollum and Backstreet Boy, Nick Carter
Koe Wetzel is Mark Henry without the melanin and muscles
Lee Greenwood looks like ...aw man
May 11, 2018
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
LinkWithin
