Showing posts with label Jordan Davis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jordan Davis. Show all posts

Sep 29, 2023

Eric Won't Name Names But I Will



Left to right, top to bottom: Russell Dickerson, Jordan Davis, Dustin Lynch, Jake Owen, Dylan Scott, Parmalee

Nov 2, 2022

The Current Poop of Mainstream Country Radio: November 2022

 A poop emoji is negative, a strike thru is positive. Total score below the chart.


The current Poop Rating of the Mediabase Top 20 is (-22) overall which is an 11 point drop (!!) from July 
(the previous time we did this chart). The best song is Jelly Roll's "Son of a Sinner." (If I had a time machine and went back and told myself about this one in 2015, I'd think future me was on crack.) The worst is Russell Dickerson and Jake Scott's "She Likes It" followed closely by Dustin Lynch's "Party Mode." I thought we were supposedly in the midst of another great credibility scare...


Chart info from Mediabase/Country Aircheck.

Mar 17, 2022

Top 10 Traits for Getting a Country Record Deal 2022


10. A built in audience of TikTok fans you duped into thinking you were talented


9. A gym membership


8. Generic, character-free male country voice


7. Willingness to be an opening act forever (females)


6. Willingness to be a headliner with your own bus right out of the gate (males)


5. Ability to politely say nothing with many words, when asked about a serious topic in an interview


4. Strong knowledge of hair care techniques, including advanced shampoo and condition, heat protection, volumizer, mousse, and shine serum


3. Have large or new family and only talk about them ever and nothing else


2. Musical inspirations must include at least 3 of the following: 21 Pilots, John Mayer, Lil Wayne, Drake, Ariana Grande, Sugar Ray, Kanye, Keith Urban, Imagine Dragons, Taylor Swift (pop era).


1. Be boring as dry dog shit


Jan 21, 2022

Pop Country Star Crashes Wedding Reception to Sing Latest Hit; Thrown Out

After making his debut appearance on NBC’s “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” to perform his single “Backroad Summer Moon,” pop-country singer Dallas Jordan decided to have a little fun after the show. The rising star thought he’d surprise two of his biggest fans.. on their wedding day!

Unfortunately, the couple had no idea who he was and had him violently removed from the reception hall as he attempted to finish the first verse. Dallas’ manager had apparently not communicated with the couple of the plan to record a viral video of the song at their wedding celebration and they were not amused.

“I thought everybody liked three minute, positive, not-very-country, mid-tempo love songs and mine’s been verrrry popular so I thought surely they were fans,” said a distraught and bleeding Jordan. “I asked my manager if he had set it up ahead of time and he just told me ’Don’t worry, it’ll be great! Everybody loves you!’.”

The couple did not love him. “I still don’t know who the hell that is,” said the exasperated groom, Jerry Pickens. “He just busted in here when the DJ was about to play Etta James’ “At Last” for our first dance, and he started warbling his goofy pop song. As soon as he hit the words ‘truck’ and ‘baby’ I went into action.” Pickens himself grabbed Jordan by his collar and slung him off the makeshift stage at the Pelham Bay reception venue.

Said the bride, Tara, “Our whole playlist after Etta was outlaw country, soul music, and red dirt, so I don’t think his management did its research.”

Jordan described his exit from the function as “impolite, harsh, and definitely not pushin’ P,” whatever that means. The singer was unceremoniously dragged into the parking lot by the groomsmen, doused with champagne and thrown into a dumpster.

“Get that pop country bullshit outta here,” yelled Jerry toward the dumpster as the limo pulled away for the couple’s honeymoon.

At press time, Dallas Jordan was scheduled to embark upon his first headlining tour despite 99.734% of the nation having never heard of him.

Aug 13, 2021

Bearded Poser Can’t Decide Whether to Move to Nashville or Austin

Bearded poser Louis Reynolds has a decision to make. The burgeoning Americana and/or folk and/or pop-country songwriter is weighing the positives and negatives of cities to move to and genres to shoehorn himself into. 

While skilled at writing in none of his options, Reynolds possesses a slightly above average voice and, most importantly, a spectacular beard. The 6’2” former college badminton star, after finding no path to pursuing the sport professionally, picked up an acoustic guitar and learned Snow Patrol’s “Chasing Cars” and was smitten. 


Bankrolled by his parents’ eight figure net worth, Reynolds began formulating his plan to become an artist a star in whatever style of music would have him. 


“I’ll only have to adapt my look to fit in, err, I mean look the part of either a country singer or an Americana singer. You know, either go sleek and stylish with the beard, or look like I just came down out of the mountains with half an elk on my back.” laughed Reynolds. “Pretty much the same for my fashion choices.” 


When asked if he was studying the different styles of music to see where his writing style most organically fit, Reynolds answered “Let’s see. Would I rather rub elbows with Jordan Davis and Sam Hunt, or Cody Jinks and Tyler Childers? Makes you think, y’know.”


“Oh yeah, writing,” he continued. “Either write about trucks used for fun or trucks used for work; no big deal. And the women are either wearing shorts and have their feet on the dash or are sad and working in a Tulsa cafe. It’s pretty simple stuff.” 


At press time, Louis Reynolds was trying on stupid hats and checking horribly overpriced apartment listings in trendy parts of Austin and Nashville.


Jul 8, 2021

Harold and Kumar Country Reaction Gifs

*lots of drugs and bad words*



Guys, why are you binging Spade Cooley YouTube documentaries and mainlining Little Debbies at 4 am?

You're over 40 and went to a 3 day bluegrass festival?

When the house music at the Taco Barn is mainstream country

Every time I look at the country charts and see names like Matt Stell and Jordan Davis

When the patient says they got hurt at a Luke Bryan concert

When you get back from the Levitate Festival seeing Billy Strings

How you digging that new Flatland Cavalry album?

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