Harold and Kumar Country Reaction Gifs

*lots of drugs and bad words*

Guys, why are you binging Spade Cooley YouTube documentaries and mainlining Little Debbies at 4 am?

You're over 40 and went to a 3 day bluegrass festival?

When the house music at the Taco Barn is mainstream country

Every time I look at the country charts and see names like Matt Stell and Jordan Davis

When the patient says they got hurt at a Luke Bryan concert

When you get back from the Levitate Festival seeing Billy Strings

How you digging that new Flatland Cavalry album?

How to Tell Country from Boyfriend Country

What Your Favorite 2020 Album Says About You

 (Idea "borrowed" from Medium)

Dustin Lynch - Tullahoma

You were kicked out of at least 3 stores for not wearing a mask in 2020. You don’t really like music, you just like Dustin’s smile, abs, and … wait, you’ve moved on to Russell Dickerson.

Russell Dickerson - Southern Symphony

You have the attention span of a 2-year-old and this is the most recent pop country album that came out. You don’t have a boyfriend, but if you did, he’d leave you for your godawful taste in music.

Upchurch - Everlasting Country

You’ve only heard it twice during your allotted media time at the prison library but you love it. Your parents are more proud of your brother, a furry who smokes synthetic marijuana.

Elizabeth Cook - Aftermath

You have put a man into a headlock for the last cigarette. You’ve showed up to church looking like a million bucks after a night of drinking that would have ended a normal human.

Drive-by Truckers - The Unravelling

You’ve been a fan since way back. Way back in 2016. Your real life friends hate you despite having the same political beliefs.

Sam Hunt - Southside

You’re either an idiot, or an otherwise intelligent music journalist with one major blind spot. 

Matt Stell - Better Than That

You’re one of the 17 people who know who Matt Stell is, despite him having two #1 hits.

Arlo McKinley - Die Midwestern

Based on your listening habits, people would assume you’re a hard-living rancher or trucker, but they know better because they work in the cubicle next to yours. 

Tyler Childers - Long Violent History

You’re able to look past click-bait headlines to see the true meaning and measure of a man. Also, your standards for old timey fiddle music are pretty low.

Keith Urban - The Speed of Now

You worked from home all year, but made fun of people who were worried about Covid. You love Yellowstone, but hate that old timey music they play. Your kids couldn’t spell their own names until they were 8 - not because they have learning disabilities - because their names are some shit like Matthieuwe or Khelleighe.

The Current Poop of Mainstream Country Radio: November 2020

A poop emoji is negative. A strike-thru is positive. 

The current Poop Rating of the Mediabase Top 20 is (-4) overall which is a 5 point improvement from August (the previous time we did this chart). The worst song by a long shot is Dan + Shay’s “I Should Probably Go to Bed.” The best song is Jon Pardi’s “Ain’t Always the Cowboy,” edging out Stapleton’s latest by a hair. There are some decent tunes here and the chart should improve a little more over the fall and winter. On a negative note, there’s only 1 solo woman, so we’re back to square one on that front. Do better, Nashville.

Chart info from Mediabase/Country Aircheck.

Mainstream Country Singer Name Generator

Are you an aspiring country artist with your eyes on mainstream Nashville success? Are you a label who needs to give a more trendy moniker to your tall, handsome, white, male pop country warbler? Do you just want to click the button and see stereotypical bro names that might give you a grin? Whichever reason brings you here, here you go! (Click the link, this stupid generator site still won’t embed)

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http://www.generatorland.com/usergenerator.aspx?id=26010

Who Wants to Be an Unknown Country Star?

Mainstream Country Singer You’ve Never Heard of Announces Headlining Tour

A nondescript male who sings what they call country music these days has announced his first headlining tour. The gentleman, who recently notched his first unmemorable, inoffensive #1 hit at country radio, already has a tour bus with his generally-regarded-as-handsome-self performing, wrapped around its exterior. 

Dude’s debut single “Baby, Tonight, Yeah” hit number one on Country Aircheck in July after spending nearly a full year being pimped, prodded, and politicked to that peak. Even though his second single has been lingering in the upper-40s on the charts and not a single person outside maybe 62,000 fangirls could even pick this man out of a lineup of two people, his label thinks it’s time to take the step to playing medium sized clubs and sheds. 

Fella just came off another mildly successful tour supporting Cole Russell or Chris Tenpenny or somebody like that who also hit the top spot with their introductory big hit that neither you nor I can recall a mere 6 months after it’s ascension to the position of number one song in all of America.

“I’m just thrilled to get out there and give the fans my best,” beamed Mr. Bro-man. “We’ll play my entire EP and way too many covers and I think it’ll be a great time!” The guy’s management is busy getting all the merch ready - from throw pillows to boy shorts to beer koozies that will be sold in a yard sale next year - and they foresee big business. 

“This performer is coming off a hard-lobbied smash and it’s time to strike while at least the population of a small city knows who he is; we all know he may be playing state fairs in no time, so why not squeeze every dollar we can get out of this tall, handsome product?” laughed Jacob Dillerson, the singer’s publicist.

At press time, homeboy’s second single “Girl, My Truck Awaits” had just leapfrogged three well-written, interesting songs from women to climb into the top 40.

Who Really Gives a Damn?

I can't tell one of these dudes from the next. Can you?

The Current Poop of Mainstream Country: Oct. '19

A poop emoji is negative; a strike-thru is positive.

The current Poop Rating of the Mediabase Top 20 is (-8) overall which is a 2 point improvement from July (the previous time we did this chart). The best song on the chart is Jon Pardi’s “Heartache Medication.”  The worst is Blake Shelton & Trace Adkins’ “Hell Right.” 

Chart info from Mediabase/Country Aircheck.

Monday Morning Memes: Dixie Chicks, Matt Stell, Sad Country Music