What Your Favorite Country Summer Song Says About You

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Dierks Bentley - Somewhere on a Beach

You hated bro-country, but can make an exception on this song because Dierks is your guy. You talk yourself into Dierks being above all that because he plays bluegrass sometimes. You’ve reached the age you’re starting to get all the “I got injured by sleeping wrong” memes. 

Little Big Town - Pontoon

You’re not really a big music listener. You just like this one because you think “motorboatin’” is funny. Usually, you’re listening to various Housewives of (whatever city) podcasts and texting while you cut people off in your Maxima.

Alan Jackson - Summertime Blues

You couldn’t think of anything else, so the first one with “summer” in the title that popped into your head was your answer. Not that it’s a bad song, it’s just that “Chattahoochee” was right there. You spend most of your free time rewatching The Pacific War in Color.

Kenny Chesney - No Shoes, No Shirt, No Problem

You’re fifty-two, recently divorced, and having the time of your life. You own Chesney’s entire discography but love the hits the most. You’ve seen him live 23 times and secretly think he’d love you if you could just meet him. You’ve ended friendships over “he might be gay” jokes. 

Aaron Lewis - Endless Summer

Your endless summer includes calling people gay online, drinking approximately 700 Bud heavies in your back yard, and trying to get your son into “real country music” like Aaron, Upchurch, and Buddy Brown. 

Jimmy Buffett - Margaritaville

You are a basic ass bitch. 

Beyoncé - Texas Hold ‘Em

Your endless summer includes threatening to move out of the country if Trump wins, drinking approximately 200 Titos & cranberry with the girls, and visiting multiple doctors to try to get on Ozempic even though you don’t really need it. 

Sam Hunt - Body Like a Back Road

You never received affection from your dad as a kid. You tried being an influencer but spend too much time embroiled in drama with ex-boyfriends to ever put out any content besides a couple of yoga pants thirst traps. You have a degree in something that could make you six figures a year but still work at the tanning salon in your hometown.

Travis Tritt - The Girl’s Gone Wild

Just kidding. There is no such person in the world that would name this song as a favorite anything. 

Morgan Wallen ft. FGL - Up Down

You don’t get offended by Farce the Music memes because you don’t understand them. You have never voted. You were ahead of the curve and made a low rider out of your $72K truck before your state outlawed squatting them. Your dad says if you’re not taking summer school, you gotta get a job to cover your online gambling addiction. He’s tired of covering for you, Dylan. 

What Your Favorite Album of 2023 Says About You #3

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Ruston Kelly - The Weakness

You don’t suffer from undiagnosed depression, you revel in every minute of it. Happy songs make you sad. Your friends all think you’re the smartest of the bunch because you got lucky on the ACT in high school. You utter “Hello darkness my old friend” every time you walk into work, but you are otherwise well-adjusted and well liked.

Bailey Zimmerman - Religiously

I don’t know or even care if this even came out in 2023, but you feel the same way. This is your background music for shuffling off to pickle ball practice or a meeting of the Jr. League in your $70k suv that has never seen a spot of mud. Someone recommended Zach Bryan to you, but you found him to be too intelligent. You think you saw Bailey play at the amphitheater last summer but you were so drunk you can’t be sure.

Turnpike Troubadours - A Cat in the Rain

You are a loyal friend. Your musical opinions are not always to be trusted, but your word is gold. You almost said the word “hater” out loud when one of your friends said this wasn’t their best album, but it was awesome to have them back. Your $70k truck is covered in mud …from working.

boygenius - The Record

You are not in my circle of “in real life” friends but you are definitely among my online friends, despite me thinking at least 42% of your political beliefs are loony. You don’t dye your hair anymore, but your bathroom sink is still purple from all the “new yous.” You are a loyal friend.

Zach Bryan - self titled

You are probably not in the lunatic fringe of Zach fans my memes so frequently target. You’re the type of fan who’d gladly spend $500 on a ticket, but also can see and appreciate Zach for his flaws and strengths. Still, every once in a while you click the angry face emoji on one of my memes.

Upchurch - Blue Gene’s

Your $7k truck is covered in mud ….from hasty getaways. Your only steady job the last few years has been selling pills. This is no fault of your upbringing or circumstances, you’re just a dumbass. You are very vocal about other people’s politics, despite not being allowed to vote yourself.

Lil Durk - Almost Healed

You are the real targets of most of my anti-Wallen memes. Look, I know you don’t listen to much country all when you’re driving around in the monstrosity your dad bought for your 15th birthday, but this is a country-music-focused site, and me poking fun at rappers and their fans might get me cancelled. I know it’s your girlfriend who listens to Wallen. Anyway, you’re a dipshit community college kid who failed Spanish for the second time because you were out spotlighting deer and smoking weed the night before.

What Your Favorite Album of 2023 Says About You #2

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Lucero - Should’ve Learned by Now

You have a Lucero sticker on your Honda Pilot. You look like someone who should be avoided in a dark alley, but you’re actually a tattooed sweetheart of a person. You can’t relate to people who think sad songs kill the mood. You’ve got your eye on a small RV to buy and follow Lucero around, once the kids move out.

 

Brent Cobb - Southern Star

You’re a good ol’ boy or girl, I don’t care what anybody says. You’d rather chug-a-lug a mug of beer than sip a crystal glass of wine. You’d rather discuss the latest goings on of World Wrestling Entertainment, but can easily have a conversation about Eudora Welty or foreign relations. You have a couple crooked fingers as evidence of your bar fighting days, but you’ve chilled out. 

Morgan Wade - Psychopath

You don’t like mainstream country; Spotify played Morgan after a Paramore song and you were smitten. You are prone to stalking exes on social media when you get a few drinks in you, but not in a creepy way - you just wanna talk shit. You drive like a bat out of hell, and that turns your significant other on for some reason.

Tyler Childers - Rustin’ in the Rain

You reflexively like Tyler even more now that many conservatives say he “went woke.” This is a good album, but that first sentence may have clouded your judgement a bit. You own a Subaru. You tried morel hunting for the first time and ended up having to get rescued by the game warden, so your friends now call you the Kane Brown of Americana fans.

Morgan Wallen - One Thing at a Time

Your favorite burger is the McDonald’s Quarter Pounder. Your favorite book is 50 Shades of Grey. Your boyfriend’s ex has a restraining order against him. You’re not really into politics at all, but vote however your friends do. You spent $1820.34 on tea this year and $0 on vehicle maintenance. 

Ryan Bingham - Watch Out for the Wolf

You got into Ryan because of Yellowstone. This is the first Ryan Bingham album or EP you’ve ever heard. 

Jelly Roll - Whitsitt Chapel

You don’t know what hick-hop is. Fuel was your favorite band in the 90s. You think Jelly Roll’s redemption story is wonderful, but you don’t really want to know what crimes he did because then you might have to stop liking him. You could never get into Yellowstone because the music was so boring. Your stepkids call you by your first name, with an attitude. 

Kelsea Ballerini - Rolling Up the Welcome Mat

TMZ is your favorite news source. You tell people this is your favorite album of the year because you stan, but in your heart of hearts, you wish she’d go back to the pop sound of a few years ago. You live for every TMI detail of Kelsea’s love life and are glad she moved on from that last dude, because he isn’t as big a star as her. 

What Your Favorite Album of 2023 Says About You

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Pony Bradshaw - North Georgia Rounder

You read a lot of Flannery O’Connor and William Faulkner and still don’t understand half the lyrics of this album. You own at bare minimum 23 flannel shirts. You will only discuss politics with your immediate group of friends around a fire pit after a few PBRs, but there could be violence at that point.

Diplo Presents Thomas Wesley: Chapter 2

You enjoy music that isn’t good.

Jason Aldean - Highway Desperado

Your political beliefs have evolved your hearing to like bad music, as long as the singer agrees with you on every possible subject. You live in a suburb and have complained on the neighborhood Facebook page about “loud booming music in cars driving by.” You own $4,000 worth of camouflage but only go hunting once a year, if that. Your wife doesn’t know about the ED yet thanks to gas station pills. 

Shania Twain - Queen of Me

Your nostalgic love of the late 90s warps your taste in unhealthy ways. You’re always quick with a “she had vocal surgery,” but never a “maybe she should rest her voice or retire” in the Facebook comments. You’re glad the Karen jokes finally died down a little. You should probably schedule a hearing test. 

Flatland Cavalry - Wandering Star

Despite the tattoos and the extensive police record, you are a born romantic. You have cried about an ASPCA commercial and punched a guy who cut you off in traffic on the same day. Your significant other is a complete normie.

SZA - SOS

You write for Rolling Stone, or various other music sites. This album came out in 2022. Tough shit if it came out in December; maybe you shouldn’t drop your lists so early. 

Note: This album is really good if you like R&B.

Luke Combs - Gettin’ Old

You’re most likely a cool, salt of the earth person who doesn’t have much interest in lyrically complex or musically adventurous songs, and that’s okay, but you still demand more than “beer girl truck.” You own $400 worth of camouflage, and are in the woods at least every Saturday of deer season. You are anywhere on the political spectrum except far left and far right. 

HARDY - The Mockingbird and the Crow

You are a relatively upstanding dude with a family and a decent job, but you still get shit-faced at every Mississippi State game and wind up having to apologize to a friend, coworker, family member, or innocent bystander. You are either the person in your group of music snobs with the worst taste, or the one in your group of bro’s with the best taste. There is no in between. 

What Your Favorite Album of 2022 Says About You Part 2

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Kane Brown - Different Man

You are between the ages of 14 and 19. You drive a VW Bug that has had the transmission replaced twice since you got it. You’ve asked your parents if you can just skip the rest of the school year since you’re going to have to repeat it anyway. You are dating someone ‘from another school’ who your friends have never met. Or you write for Country Universe.

Carrie Underwood - Denim & Rhinestones

You put this at #1 because you can’t show weakness when it comes to defending Carrie’s honor. She’s the best even when she puts out this uninspired collection, which you’ve only listened to twice but have left streaming overnight 5000 times. You started therapy this year after yet another Entertainer of the Year loss. Your boyfriend is terrified of you.

49 Winchester - Fortune Favors the Bold

Beard oil, wash, conditioner, balm, nor wax has ever touched your face mane, yet it is still resplendent and makes hipsters jealous. Your favorite whiskey drink is whiskey. Whether pro or anti gun control, you own a small arsenal. You are so emotionally screwed up, sad feels like happy. 

Tyler Childers - Can I Take My Hounds to Heaven

You will just as soon fistfight a republican as a democrat. You have a hunting-related tattoo. You haven’t been to church in 7 years but know the Bible better than your ‘rain or shine’ friends. You make fun of the people who complain about Tyler set-lists, but haven’t actually been to a show since he stopped including “White House Road.”

Big Thief - Dragon New Warm Mountain I Believe in You

You pretend to find meaning in the title of this album. Other hipsters call you a poser. Your degree in poetry analysis hasn’t come in handy in the real world. You feel that country music is beneath you, despite half this album being more country than anything on the radio.

Kaitlin Butts - What Else Can She Do

You are the friend everybody goes to for advice, despite your life being a raging garbage dump inferno. You have a tattoo that it takes five minutes to explain. There’s some weird family issue like your dad divorced your mom and married her hair-dresser or something, but you get along with everybody and get free hair cuts now. You didn’t know there was an unwritten rule about not drinking before 5 pm.

Luke Combs - Growin’ Up

You are pretty basic, but also a genuinely nice person. Regardless of your gender, you installed your own catalytic converter anti-theft device. You are politically oblivious. Regardless of your gender, you own more than 5 articles of clothing with your name on them.

Maren Morris - Humble Quest

You are 100% for sure not a Republican, but have a lot of beliefs and habits that would get you cancelled by the left. You drive an electric vehicle which has run out of charge by the outlet mall no less than 4 times this year. You’re pretty deep, but also an Instagram influencer.