Farce the Music: Upchurch

Showing posts with label Upchurch. Show all posts

May 15, 2020

Multiple Arrests at Mainstream Country Festival, Despite it Being Online

At the “Down Home Together” festival this past weekend, it was almost as if things were no different than usual. The mainstream country music streaming show included the likes of Luke Bryan, Kelsea Ballerini, Upchurch, and Jordan Davis playing songs from their living room and was set to raise funds for several COVID related charities, but many fans behaved as if the festival was in a farm pasture. 43 arrests were reported across the 3 1/2 hour show, despite it being online.

25 of the arrests were for online threats of violence as fans got into arguments in the comments over such subjects as COVID-19, masks, beer, Donald Trump, and murder hornets. One man even threatened to fire a rocket launcher into the home of another fan who thought Ozark wasn’t as good this season. Authorities found said man in possession of a rocket launcher and illegal prescription drugs.

10 more arrests were for actual violence, when online arguments led to actual fights for feuding fans who lived near one another. “I just commented that maybe we shouldn’t be talking about whether Kelsea had “nice t****ies” or not in the comments because it seemed pretty sexist to me, and some Bubba guy from Smyrna drove to my house with a baseball bat.” said Dunwoody, GA music fan Gerald Hopkins. Bubba Carlisle was charged with threats, possession of a controlled substance, and expired tags when police arrested him in Hopkins’ driveway.

Other charges during the festival included attempts to sell meth, dissemination of pornographic content in a public forum, and somehow, a couple of DUIs and drunk and disorderlies. The chaos of the Down Home Together festival has promoters wondering whether or not to rush back to in-person concerts once the pandemic has eased.

Luke Bryan had no comment at press time, as he was “waxing,” according to his management.

May 14, 2020

9 New Hick-Hop Parody Album Covers

(This one's already a self-parody - I didn't change it any)

Apr 30, 2020

Harry Potter Country Reaction Gifs

Oh, there's a Dustin Lynch livestream concert?

What's better than listening to mainstream country radio?

Every time a new bro-dude hits #1 on the country chart

When I hear 10 seconds of the new Walker Hayes song

When your daughter's friend's mother says she's taking them to a Luke Bryan concert

When the driver says she's picking the music and she loves Sam Hunt

When a Kane Brown fan says he read the mean thing I tweeted about Kane

Apr 28, 2020

Country TwitterFAIL: April '20

Apr 22, 2020

The Wicked Never Rest

Even during a pandemic, the work must go on...

Apr 3, 2020

Police Using Hick-Hop Songs to Disperse Crowds During Pandemic

Police departments nationally reported on Friday that they were using unusual methods to enforce lockdowns and “safer at home” measures during the Coronavirus pandemic. An attempt to avoid harsher crowd control options has led many forces to use speaker trucks to blast music that most people find repugnant - in this case, hick-hop, or country rap, seems to be having the best results.

In Ft. Worth, TX Wednesday, local authorities were alerted to a small block party in a suburban neighborhood. Rather than issue citations or fines, they simply rolled a police van into the vicinity blasting “Outback (Extended Remix)” by the hick-hop group Redneck Souljers. “They lit out of there like their butts were on fire” laughed Deputy Lewis Marks. “I don’t blame them - I felt physically ill listening to it myself.”

A birthday party in Van Nuys, CA fell victim to Colt Ford’s “No Trash in My Trailer.” Carl Jenkins, who had attended the party, told us by Skype that he was injured during the melée as the party broke up. “I may sue their asses - I didn’t trip or fall or anything, but I was mentally injured by that music; I’ve got pain and suffering and PTSD now. I might rather have the Rona.” he grimaced.

An outdoor bat mitzvah in Salem, OR ended in similar fashion. “I hate to do it, but this is for safety and health of the public at large” said officer Lindsay Scanlan, turning on Upchurch’s “My Neck of the Woods” at ear-shattering volume. Audible screams and weeping were heard as the 24 people at the mitzvah scattered like ants.

Similar stories have come in from across the country, but at press time, law enforcement agencies in the Carolinas reported that hick-hop was ineffective in clearing large gatherings and were exploring using flash bombs, rubber bullets, and tear gas.