A recent TikTok and Twitter trend is fake beer posters - usually featuring scantily clad women. In this case, we'll just use pop country artists with the beer that fits them best.
Despite relaxing or ending 13 months of Covid-19 mask mandates, the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has continued one recommendation for fans of pop-country singer Kane Brown. "You can resume activities without wearing a mask or staying six feet apart, except at Kane Brown concerts,” the CDC said on Thursday.
They went on to say that the prevalence of poor hygiene and high levels of transmissible illnesses and diseases among this specific subset of music fans makes it necessary to continue pandemic era protocols for the foreseeable future. This includes wearing not only a mask, but two, and possibly three masks. 6-10 feet of social distancing is also required.
“This fan army, whose main demographic is adolescent, caucasian, rural, teenaged girls or young women and their boyfriends, exhibits much higher than normal frequencies of sexually transmissible diseases and other airborne contagions,” said Dr. Lew Dunne, of Georgia’s state CDC office. “They infrequently bathe or brush their teeth, so the masks will help with the stench as well.”
The CDC has even gone so far as to send links to a YouTube video or TikTok of the warning with the purchased digital tickets to Kane Brown concerts. “Many of them are unable to read at a middle school level and only communicate with their friends through short videos of dancing or ‘snatching a bitch’s wig’ so we created a fun and informative video that explains our recommendation with song and dance.” said Dunne. “It’s been quite effective so far.”
At press time, the CDC was recommending avoiding Upchurch concerts altogether.
While Covid mandates continue to restrict large gatherings of people in most states, some bro-country artists have taken to having secret house concerts to avoid the watchful eye of the law, and the certain scorn of social media. Many of these shows have gone undetected, with the singers and audiences quieting down and hiding at first report of police in the area. As a result, law enforcement has had to employ a new tactic to bust these illegal concerts: Axe-sniffing dogs.
“We’ve found that teens and men who enjoy this kind of music tend to wear offensively strong smelling body sprays such as Axe, so we’ve trained Buster, our drug-sniffing K9, to identify similar odors.” said K9 Unit Lt. Parker Davis of the Smyrna Police Department. “It’s working like a charm so far.”
The SPD has already shut down 2 Chase Rice concerts, a Chris Janson show, and a couple of other up-and-coming bro-country artists' parties. “There were 25 jacked-up pickup trucks in this cul-de-sac, so we knew something was going on when we followed up on a complaint from neighbors, but the area was completely silent when we started investigating,” said Davis. “Knocks didn’t root anything out, but Buster just smashed through the fence of one yard… you should have seen the wallet chains gleaming in the street lights as they all ran for it.”
Fines were levied, and four open container arrests were made. Similar stories have come in from the Tallahassee, FL area as well. “We taught our dog Hurley to detect body spray and White Claw,” said TPD’s K9 officer Levon Goins. “He’s rooted out 5 different illegal shows. I’ve never seen so many drunk white girls.”
One of the illicit concerts shut down in Tallahassee also led to arrests for crystal meth and prescription drug possession with intent. “That was one of those ‘hick hop’ shows, I think his name was Upshirt, Upchurch, something like that.” laughed Goins.
While far from his worst set of lyrics (I doubt he'll ever make anything worse than "Ready Set Roll"), it's just another generic, uninteresting booty-call where the only other ingredient I really have to work with is the unlikable person singing it. And that alone causes me to read a lyric like "the show your girls all come over for" as more misogynistic than I probably should. So maybe if someone else were singing this, you might find "Big, Big Plans", "Cool Again", or "Beers and Sunshine" in this slot instead. But as long as Chase Rice continues to be Chase Rice, I will continue to make room for him on worst-of lists.
14. "I Love My Country" by Florida Georgia Line
Good news: the mixing isn't quite as bad and the Auto-Tune is a lot less prevalent. (It really says something when switching to Corey Crowder is an improvement.) Bad news: it's still an annoyingly pandering country-pride anthem that brings absolutely nothing new to the table. Sure, it's not the worst thing they've ever released lyrically. But FGL's been running on fumes for a while, and between this and "Long Live", I don't think that "'Round Here' but with less overproduction" is going to be anywhere close enough to reverse their downward slide or even endear them to the non-fans.
13. "I Wish Grandpas Never Died" by Riley Green
I wish that interesting ideas weren't wasted on lazy, pandering list songs. I could pick apart every entry on this list, but the anachronistic conservatism of the first verse (divorce doesn't exist, respect your elders, blah blah blah) probably rubbed me the wrongest way. I'd much rather hear a story about the grandpa in question and why the narrator wishes that he never died -- in other words, I'd much rather hear Randy Travis' "He Walked on Water". (Okay, that one's about a great-grandfather. Close enough.) The sincere vocals and country-sounding production are the only elements keeping me from moving this song any higher.
12. "Bluebird" by Miranda Lambert
One of my least favorite tropes is when songs string a bunch of metaphors or similes together without a narrative theme. And boy, does this one have it bad: pages turned, digging for treasure (and somehow switching to records halfway through), wildcards, lemonade... pick a topic and stay with it, already! And what do bluebirds have to do with the rest of the song? (It's apparently an homage to an obscure poem. Never would have guessed, especially since that just comes the fuck out of nowhere.) Finally, what the hell does "turn twenty cents into a ten...rhyme a dime 'til it all makes sense" even mean, other than "this song is a total mess"? (A well-sung mess, but a mess nonetheless.)
11. "Kinfolks" by Sam Hunt
Sam Hunt doesn't usually grate on me because, as flagrantly un-country as he is, most of his songs are at least competent. The first one that I actively disliked was "Body Like a Back Road", and the second one is this. He has literally just met this girl, and he already wants to drag her back to his family like a cat dragging a dead mouse to its owner. Yes, sometimes you really do find the right one on the first try. But come on, don't you think you're rushing? Maybe it's just a stylistic thing or the lingering stink of "Back Road", but he seems less like he's found an instant match and more like he's just rushing to get his dick wet as fast as possible.
10. "Momma's House" by Dustin Lynch
Dustin Lynch continues to baffle me. "Cowboys and Angels" promised twang, but ever since, he's just been the clean channel to Jason Aldean's overdrive. While not his worst lyrically, where this song fails for me is in the overbearingly mechanical overly auto-tuned talk-singing (at least he used real drums this time), combined with the vastly dissonant hook. Okay, what about your momma? How does she even factor into this? Nope, it doesn't matter, I'm already bringing up more about the breakup. Maybe if the song sounded better, or maybe if it came from another artist who at least has some semblance of effort in his work, I wouldn't be quite as hard on the clashing tone.
As of this writing, Luke Bryan is a 44-year-old married man with two children. So his hyper-fixation on alcohol-infused spring break parties makes him feel immature and stunted. The weird vocal processing on the chorus is just about the only thing that gives this increasingly tired formula any semblance of life. Is it tone-deaf in the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic, though? On the one hand, it was written long before then and I can see the argument that it's just escapism. On the other hand, the kind of people who would use this song as escapism are likely the kind to hold giant parties with no concern for social distancing...
7. "Nobody but You" by Blake Shelton feat. Gwen Stefani
Blake didn't seem to mesh with Miranda, and he really doesn't seem to mesh with the Hollaback Girl. Maybe it's the overbearing wall-of-sound production (I'm not a Scott Hendricks fan, but this is seriously the worst I've ever heard out of him). Maybe it's the extremely unoriginal lines such as "I don't wanna live without you, I don't wanna even breathe". Maybe it's Blake's delivery, which sounds strained on the high notes and completely phoned in on the rest. Maybe it's the utter lack of chemistry between him and Gwen. Whatever the case, I do wanna go down any other road just to get away from this nonsense.
6. "We Back" by Jason Aldean
Aldean has been on autopilot for so long that his last four albums have barely even registered for me. This song is just the same formula for what feels like the hundredth time: big minor-key power chords, soaring chorus, references to good ol' boys and girls drinkin' beer and blaring AC/DC (sorry, Trailer, I just can't get into them at all). Hell, even the references to speakers and obligatory omission of verbs to sound "cool" were recycled from the equally forgettable "Lights Come On". He does still have decent songs in him ("Any Ol' Barstool", "Drowns the Whiskey"), so his continued formulaic pandering is just eyerolling.
5. "Good Time" by Niko Moon
This one doesn't piss me off quite as much as it did Trailer. I will admit it does have quite a lot against it: generic party-in-the-woods lyrics that can't even come up with a decent hook; paper-thin vocals that say "I got a record deal entirely because I wrote a few songs that happened to be hits for someone else"; trap snares for days; and me wondering what the hell kind of mind control this guy has over Zac Brown that he was so able to thoroughly ruin what used to be one of the brightest spots on mainstream radio. At least Niko knows what an acoustic guitar is...
4. "Hey Boy, Hey Girl" by Upchurch feat. Katie Noel
Trailer put this one on his list so I had to check it out. And it charted, so now I have to include it too. Yay. Where do I even begin? I mean, I know what to expect from Upchurch from all of my coworkers who think that blaring hick-hop while drinking White Claw gives them street cred. But who is Katie Noel? Oh yeah, she's some Z-list auto-tuned trap-snare nobody. Put the two together, add probably the first-ever name drop of Justin freakin' Moore, the eight billionth "hey girl" hook this decade, and token references to cars and nights, and you have an unlistenably bad mess that makes "Take Back Home Girl" sound like "Golden Ring".
3. "10,000 Hours" by Dan + Shay feat. Justin Bieber
Considering how thoroughly I thrashed this in the "Worst of the 2010s" list, I bet you're surprised this is only #3, huh? Well, spoilers: the #2 and #1 songs didn't exist yet when I made that list. I already eviscerated this excessively lovey-dovey, emasculating, calculated piece of garbage last year when I made that list, and my opinion has not changed. Dan + Shay are still nauseatingly uber-romantics who can't get through a single sentence without gushing about their wives, and Justin Bieber is... well, he's still Justin Bieber. Say what you will about "I Should Probably Go to Bed"; at least it's about something else besides being all doe-eyed over your woman.
2. "More Than My Hometown" by Morgan Wallen
I don't get Morgan Wallen. All of his other songs just go in one ear and out the other for me, so at least this one got a reaction. Being an old-fashioned homeboy is not in and of itself a bad thing. But this song's hook just reads as rude and dismissive. Maybe it wouldn't chafe as much if he gave at least some kind of well wishes to the girl he's leaving behind, or even some detail as to why his hometown is so vastly important to him. (And I'm not saying that just because my own hometown went to pot long before I left it...) But as it stands, he just seems like a cranky old man far too stubborn to get with the times. And he probably still isn't wearing a mask.
1. "Dicked Down in Dallas" by Trey Lewis
It's hard to do vulgar humor right, especially in musical form. However, this one fails to deliver on the "humor" part. There's hardly even a setup; just "She left me", and then it jumps into a list of sex acts that all happen to begin with the same letter as a random Southern city. I'm coarse and vulgar enough to ghost-write an entire Bob Saget standup routine, so I'm not pissed off because Trey said "butt-fucked"; I'm pissed off because saying "butt-fucked" with zero context is not a punchline. Combine that with the fact that the premise is nothing but slut-shaming -- just about the last thing a country song should be about post-Saladgate -- and this becomes the last-minute worst country song of 2020 in my book.
Snap beats, trap production, bland vocals, “tryna catch a good time.” You know I hate this. It makes me angry. This dude was in Zac Brown’s EDM project and that stink is still on him. I pushed this above Dan + Shay at the last minute because it pisses me off so much. Get off my lawn.
2. Dan + Shay - I Should Probably Go to Bed
Yes, it’s ranked here because it isn’t country by any measure. You can go debate whether it’s a good pop song on another website.
3. Upchurch ft. Carly Rogers - Hey Boy, Hey Girl
I don’t know if this was a serious attempt at pop country from the hick-hop firebrand, or maybe it was a satirical shot at this kind of song. Either way, it was bad. If you haven’t heard it before and you listen now, you’ll cringe so hard you’ll fall out of your chair.
4. Walker Hayes - Trash My Heart
This one-trick pony probably blew his last shot at radio relevance in 2020, but not without one more awful offering.
5. Kane Brown - Cool Again
I don’t like Kane Brown’s voice, period. He always sounds like he’s trying way too hard. He could sing “Amarillo By Morning” or “Amanda” with a hardcore country band and I wouldn’t like it. This was his worst single of 2020. Thus, the placement.
6. Luke Bryan - One Margarita
Luke just gets a bye into the top (bottom) 10 every year it seems.
7. Russell Dickerson - Honey
Not a single, but it’s so terrible that I imagine it will be. Boyfriend country with a heavy dash of bro.
Much like Carl Outlaw would say, I haven’t even listened to this song, but I know it’s bad. I’ve read the lyrics. I see the title. I’m familiar with the clowns involved. It’s a bad song.
9. Tim McGraw - Way Down
Tim is predictable. His cycle of releases usually goes: weird song with esoteric lyrics, truly excellent real country song, okay song with too much pop production, TERRIBLE PIECE OF SHIT THAT HE SHOULD BE EMBARRASSED BY. This was the latter.
10. Florida-Georgia Line - I Love My Country
Thou doth protest too much FGL. I’ll admit it sounds better than boyfriend country, but it’s still a cloying and annoying bit of pandering.
