Showing posts with label Taylor Swift. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Taylor Swift. Show all posts

Aug 20, 2019

Local Man Arrested for Destruction of Pop-Country Playing Jukebox

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, May 18, 2011 
Local bowler and country music fan Reginald Spears, 46, has been arrested for destruction of property at an area bowling alley. Last Saturday at 9:15 PM, Spears was taken into custody for destroying the facility's jukebox with his 17 pound black-speckled Brunswick ball. 

Released on bail, Mr. Spears sat down and spoke with FNN correspondent Trailer about the events that had transpired on the previous Saturday. 

"Well, it goes like this," started Spears. "I was about to bowl my first 300 game; I was down to my final muthaf***ing frame and you know what come on the jukebox? F***ing Glory-anner. I'd dealt with Jason Aldean, Tim McGraw and Taylor Swift through 10 freaking perfect rolls, but that 'Wild at Heart' song just jerked me out of my zone… I went right in the gutter, g**dammit!" 

"My name is not on a little wooden plaque at the Southpaw Lanes because of a damn show choir!!" raged Reginald. "My blood started boilin' in the sixth set when somebody played that dirty sumb*tch Kid Rock, but I let it slide with the help of some cold, sweet High Life…" 

Missing out on the first perfect game cranked Reginald into an unbridled fury. Witness reports have him cursing at a high volume before retrieving his ball from the return. He walked semi-calmly to where the change machine and jukebox rest against the south wall before going into his locally revered wind-up. 

"He bowled a strike on that one!" laughed Percy Garvin, local 205 average bowler. "I gave him a high five. I hate country music! Why can't anybody around here ever order up some Clarence Carter?" 

Spears' shot hit squarely in the middle of the "new fangled" digital jukebox, smashing two speakers and the hard drive, ending the evening's musical accompaniment. Insurance adjusters called it a total loss, valuing the jukebox at $1250.35. 

"I smiled in the mug shot… Hell, I'm proud of what I did," said a defiant Mr. Spears. "I struck a blow against mainstream country and against that dumb*ss drunk sorority girl who paid half a dollar to hear crap." 

Reginald Spears has been banned from Southpaw Lanes and removed from the local league, prompting this response from the accused: "I don't give a fried f**k; I'm going into golf now. That's the only other sport you can drink while you play." 

Aug 29, 2017

If Luke Bryan Had Written Taylor Swift's "Look What You Made Me Do."



"Look What Y'all Made Me Do"
(2017 FTM Parodies)

I don't like your mean ol' games
Don't like your memes and names
I'm real and y'all just play
Ain't called for, naw, I don't like y'all
I don't like your silly lines
The joke you tell each time
About these jeans of mine
Isn't cool, no, I don't like y'all (naw!)

But I got older, I got bolder, look how hard I try
Bro, I rose up from the truck bed, to shake my behind
I've got a list of names in crayon and underlined
I check it once, then I check it twice, yep!

Aw, look what y'all made me do
Look what y'all made me do
Look what y'all just made me do
Look what y'all just made me
Hell naw, look what y'all made me do
Look what y'all made me do
Look what y'all just made me do
Look what y'all just made me do

I don't like what you call country
Cause I was once the king
I think Sturgill Simpson stinks
And who the hell is Cody Jinks? (what?)
People say I'm too old for these songs for college hotties
But I hold on, I hold on, All I think about is parties
And all my songs get spins, so one thing's for sure
My chandeliers shine even if my music bores

Yeah I got older, I got bolder, look how hard I try
Bro, I rose up from the truck bed, to shake my behind
I've got a list of names in crayon and underlined
I check it once, then I check it twice, yep!

Aw, look what y'all made me do
Look what y'all made me do
Look what y'all just made me do
Look what y'all just made me
Hell naw, look what y'all made me do
Look what y'all made me do
Look what y'all just made me do
Look what y'all just made me do

I don't trust nobody and nobody trusts me
Y'all just jealous haters and I'm living your dreams
I don't trust nobody and nobody trusts me
Y'all just jealous haters and I'm living your dreams
I don't trust nobody and nobody trusts me
Y'all just jealous haters and I'm living your dreams
I don't trust nobody and nobody trusts me
Y'all just jealous haters and I'm living your dreams
(Look what y'all made me do)
(Look what y'all made me do)
(Look what y'all just made me do)
(Look what y'all made me do)
"I'm sorry, the old Luther can't come to the phone right now."
"Why?"
"Oh, 'cause he's mad!"

Ooh, look what y'all made me do
Look what y'all made me do
Look what y'all just made me do
Look what y'all just made me
Hell naw, look what y'all made me do
Look what y'all made me do
Look what y'all just made me do
Look what y'all just made me do

Ooh, look what y'all made me do
Look what y'all made me do
Look what y'all just made me do
Look what y'all just made me
Hell naw, look what y'all made me do
Look what y'all made me do
Look what y'all just made me do
Look what y'all just made me do

Aug 2, 2017

Little Known Facts Returns!


Sam Hunt celebrated his longest reigning Billboard Hot Country song of all time with a goblet of Perrier garnished with kiwi and a new pair of wide cropped trousers

Taylor Swift has been pondering a return to country music, but feels that the current scene is "too pop" for her

I wonder if mentioning that Upchurch guy or Luke Combs gets people to visit this site? Only one way to find out....

Bucky Covington is currently in the studio working on his new album*
*in the food truck grilling some brats

Former AC/DC frontman Brian Johnson is expected to release a country album in 2018 titled 'For Those About To Mud (We'll Drink a Cold One To That)'

Martina McBride once bet Reba a single's royalty payments she could kill a bottle of Rumple Minze in 30 seconds. That's how she paid for the indoor shooting range in her house.

Upon further investigation, Cody Jinks may be the devil

The Nashville zoo once went on lockdown due to a gorilla escape until they realized it was just Dylan Scott

Every 6-8 months I google 'Colt Ford' to make sure he's still alive so I can write facts about him and not seem like too much of an ass

Kyle Park is derivative, obsequious, facile, and parochial. For you Texas music fans, that means he's no different from mainstream country

Tyler Childers has become so famous that the Taco Bell in Louisa, Kentucky cleaned their bathroom in his honor

Kelsea Ballerini is as cute as a button and twice the singer

FTM was gonna start a @BedazzledLukeBryan Twitter account but all our planned posts just looked like Luke Bryan's


--------
by Trailer and Jeremy Harris

May 26, 2017

Country Stars React to the Nuclear Apocalypse


 On Wednesday evening, North Korea launched an ICBM tipped with a nuclear warhead toward Hawaii. The missile fell into the Pacific Ocean and detonated relatively harmlessly. However, the US launched a return strike, decimating Pyongyang and several military centers of North Korea.

In retaliation for the unilateral action, China torpedoed a US destroyer in the South China Sea, setting off a vicious sea battle won decisively by the United States. In Beijing, a rogue official hacked into the nuclear launch systems and fired two ICBM's toward Los Angeles, which exploded just off the coast, killing thousands. The US immediately fired a return volley from ballistic missile submarines off the coast of Japan.

Within hours, more than one billion human beings had perished in a fiery hell, before a cease fire was agreed upon by several of the few remaining naval officers of the Chinese and US fleets. A cold, sooty darkness fell over the earth and suffering became the rule instead of the exception.

As hospitals and morgues struggled to keep up with the glut of dying and dead, and power grids and servers across the country began to blink out for the final time, we wondered what today's hottest country music stars and media personalities were saying on social media! Here's what was on their minds!






 





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