The Crud Report / November, Volume II

The Real Enemy

Wrasslin' Country Reaction Gifs #64: Halloween Edition

What will listening to pop country do to you?

Look behind you, I'll be there

Making friends at the Arlo show because you forgot your goodies

Taylor Swift stans waiting for

you to call her new album mediocre

When your son says he wants to be a TikTok country singer

Me thinking about how I don't think Tyler Childers' latest is his best but I don't wanna admit it because the people talking shit about it are idiots and I don't want to be associated with them

When there aren't any big games on that night at Buffalo Wild Wings so they're playing country radio up loud

When your girl just doesn't get 

your friend who's a goth country fan

Still better than going to a Walker Hayes concert

When your friends always bring up your Rascal Flatts phase

It just sounds nasty

Them: You'd bend over backwards

to troll Morgan Wallen fans wouldn't you?

Me:

9 Famous Album Covers Ruined with Bleeding Cowboys Font

 

When Did We Get So Old? (2022 Edition)

These will make you feel old!

(all real tweets) 

ON THE CLASSIC STATION???

Woman Who Says She Listens to Everything But Country and Rap a Damn Liar

Courtney Wilhelm, liar

Courtney Wilhelm, an assistant teacher in Temple, TX, was recently brought to task over her statement that she listens to all styles of music except country and rap, with the follow-up explanation that country music was all whiney and racist and ignorant, while rap music was all about hoes and selling drugs and shooting people. She made these incendiary claims on Twitter in 2017, but a recent inquiry has brought her deception to light.

In pursuit of truth, Farce the Music reviewed every song (53,297) Wilhelm played on Spotify since that fateful tweet and discovered that she did not, in fact, listen to every other genre. Among the styles of music not represented in her listening habits were folktronica, hypnagogic pop, progressive sludge metal, crunkcore, aggrotech, deep psychobilly, unblack metal, and post-alt-country.

When confronted with her own lies, Wilhelm was shaken. “Who the hell are you and why do you care what I listen to? This is weird,” she tweeted back at us when I showed her the statistics. “Leave me alone, freak.”

According to our thorough research, Ms. Wilhelm’s musical tastes were almost entirely in the realms of commercial pop music with occasional forays into indie rock (she seemed to be engaged in an off and on relationship with a hipstery looking gentleman during these times, but we weren’t stalking her or anything). Nary a time did she sample any of the following genres: Simpsons hip-hop, Genericana, dark cabaret, intersex EDM, catstep, fishing metal, vegan straight edge, or harmonica drone. This perjury must not stand.

When asked again to explain herself regarding the 2017 tweet, Wilhelm blocked us, clearly feeling the guilt of her fraud. She also took her Spotify account entirely private, but not before we caught another misstep, a quick listen to Taylor Swift’s debut album. While we’d argue with you all day long about whether it’s real country or not, Swift’s first release was clearly marketed as ‘country.’ Another damn lie from Courtney; when will it end?

I used a burner Twitter account to further question her regarding this latest revelation and the growing mountain of untruths she was piling up. Her response? Reported and blocked. Also, a local police officer just called to ask that I refrain from contacting Ms. Wilhelm in any way, so it appears this rapscallion will not meet her comeuppance. 

At press time, I was harassing a teenager who tweeted that he only likes new country and rappers who sing instead of rapping.

Top 10 Traits for Getting a Country Record Deal 2022

10. A built in audience of TikTok fans you duped into thinking you were talented

9. A gym membership

8. Generic, character-free male country voice

7. Willingness to be an opening act forever (females)

6. Willingness to be a headliner with your own bus right out of the gate (males)

5. Ability to politely say nothing with many words, when asked about a serious topic in an interview

4. Strong knowledge of hair care techniques, including advanced shampoo and condition, heat protection, volumizer, mousse, and shine serum

3. Have large or new family and only talk about them ever and nothing else

2. Musical inspirations must include at least 3 of the following: 21 Pilots, John Mayer, Lil Wayne, Drake, Ariana Grande, Sugar Ray, Kanye, Keith Urban, Imagine Dragons, Taylor Swift (pop era).

1. Be boring as dry dog shit

Country TwitterFAIL: December '20

*Foul language warning*