Country TwitterWINs: May 2020

March 1/May 1

Fake News Classic: Former Taylor Swift Fans Seek New Bandwagon

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California April 22, 2010 

After Taylor Swift was shut out at last Sunday's ACM Awards, some of her fans began to have second thoughts about their love of the young singing/songwriting phenom. 

"She's totally changed," said 14-year-old Madison Ramey, up past her usual bedtime at her friend's ACM party. "I mean, she even sang a song called 'Change.' You know what I mean?" 

Party host Lindsay Carmichael echoed the sentiment. "She's just not as cool now that she lost, I mean, now that she uh, just isn't as cool... you know..." Lindsay trailed off. 

Along with partygoers/former Taylor lovers Lani and Lesha, the girls have now formed a committee to research what up-and-coming singer most effectively speaks to the wants and needs of tween girls. Factoring into their decision will be the following criteria: lyrical relevance to the middle school/ninth grade experience, catchiness of songs, attractiveness of the singer, fashion sense of the singer, upward mobility of the artist's popularity and the "iPod" factor. "You know, which singer would you be least embarrassed to answer with when someone asks who you're rocking in the Skullcandies today," explained Lindsay, as she removed a playlist entitled "Tay Tay" from her iTunes and re-synced her iPod. 

Some of the artists the girls were considering were Lady Gaga, Ke$ha and Miranda Lambert. "They're all kinda old, but their popularity is rising so that means they're still making good music unlike somebody we used to like," sniped Lani. 

Wearing turned-inside-out "Fearless Tour" t-shirts, the girls sang a rousing chorus of "Blah Blah Blah" before the night's festivities came to an end when parents began arriving to pick up their daughters. 

Little Known Facts: Christmas 2019 Edition

Sitting on Charlie Daniels’ lap and telling him what 

you want for Christmas really pisses him off. 

According to Santa’s Naughty and Nice List, Jason “Rowdy” Cope 

of The Steel Woods isn’t rowdy at all.

Shooter Jennings announced a spring tour and is looking forward to hitting the 

road to unwind after another winter of making toys for good boys and girls.

Blind Item: 30-50 feral hogs stole a popular Americana band’s van 

and gear trailer in certain southeastern Texas city.

Freezing temps across the country have caused Luke Bryan’s pants to fit better, 

but he is now battling chapped lips.

Mitchell Tenpenny is the first artist in a new country sub-genre: Incel Country.

With 2019 coming to an end I decided to check in with Colt Ford and 

his resolution to no longer suck. Failing for 50 weeks and counting.

The real issue is that there isn’t a war on “The Christmas Shoes.”

Kane Brown is beter then you’re favorite country sinjer. 

~this fact guest-written by a Kane Brown fan.

Florida Georgia Line’s FGL House features a reverse toy drive where employees 

go to hospitals and orphanages in Nashville and take take toys from the children.

Thomas Rhett cheerful story blah blah good news happy blah.

Starbucks compensated Jason Isbell for not changing his twitter name to IsBELLS this year by sending him a free nonfat, vanilla, soy latte with espresso shot once a week until March. (<—This fact requires too much referential minutia for the average person to get it, but I left it in so you can make fun of Jeremy for writing it. ~Trailer)

I went to see Luke Combs the other day. He said I needed wipers and a cabin air filter.

Gary Levox had a recent trip to the dentist because he confused 

the coal in his stocking for chocolate covered cherries.

Taylor Swift researched her role for Cats by being an actual crazy cat lady.

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Most of these by Jeremy Harris - a few by Trailer

Local Man Arrested for Destruction of Pop-Country Playing Jukebox

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, May 18, 2011 

Local bowler and country music fan Reginald Spears, 46, has been arrested for destruction of property at an area bowling alley. Last Saturday at 9:15 PM, Spears was taken into custody for destroying the facility's jukebox with his 17 pound black-speckled Brunswick ball. 

Released on bail, Mr. Spears sat down and spoke with FNN correspondent Trailer about the events that had transpired on the previous Saturday. 

"Well, it goes like this," started Spears. "I was about to bowl my first 300 game; I was down to my final muthaf***ing frame and you know what come on the jukebox? F***ing Glory-anner. I'd dealt with Jason Aldean, Tim McGraw and Taylor Swift through 10 freaking perfect rolls, but that 'Wild at Heart' song just jerked me out of my zone… I went right in the gutter, g**dammit!" 

"My name is not on a little wooden plaque at the Southpaw Lanes because of a damn show choir!!" raged Reginald. "My blood started boilin' in the sixth set when somebody played that dirty sumb*tch Kid Rock, but I let it slide with the help of some cold, sweet High Life…" 

Missing out on the first perfect game cranked Reginald into an unbridled fury. Witness reports have him cursing at a high volume before retrieving his ball from the return. He walked semi-calmly to where the change machine and jukebox rest against the south wall before going into his locally revered wind-up. 

"He bowled a strike on that one!" laughed Percy Garvin, local 205 average bowler. "I gave him a high five. I hate country music! Why can't anybody around here ever order up some Clarence Carter?" 

Spears' shot hit squarely in the middle of the "new fangled" digital jukebox, smashing two speakers and the hard drive, ending the evening's musical accompaniment. Insurance adjusters called it a total loss, valuing the jukebox at $1250.35. 

"I smiled in the mug shot… Hell, I'm proud of what I did," said a defiant Mr. Spears. "I struck a blow against mainstream country and against that dumb*ss drunk sorority girl who paid half a dollar to hear crap." 

Reginald Spears has been banned from Southpaw Lanes and removed from the local league, prompting this response from the accused: "I don't give a fried f**k; I'm going into golf now. That's the only other sport you can drink while you play." 

Country TwitterFAIL: October '18

*foul language*

Honest Billboard Country Airplay Chart: August '18

6 New Ryan Adams Parody Album Covers

When Did We Get So Old?