Jan 10, 2020
Dec 10, 2019
11 Worst Country* Songs of 2019
1. Zac Brown Band - God Given
I somehow left Zac Brown off the original list, and I think that’s a symptom of his irrelevance these days. This is clearly the worst song released under the “country” heading in 2019. This song should be the new “Rick Roll.” What an embarrassment. Lame middle-aged white man rapping and beats and creepiness. Somebody set up an intervention soon.
2. Mitchell Tenpenny - Alcohol You Later
A heaving lump of R&B lite douchebaggery wrapped around a cliché of a hook.
3. Blake Shelton ft/Trace Adkins - Hell Right
Lame bro-country redux from the try-hard stepdad of mainstream country and his drunken uncle.
4. Luke Bryan - Knockin’ Boots
A cheesy come-on with stolen 90s slang. Cringe.
5. Avenue Beat - Delight
If they’re the future, I’m a proud boomer.
6. Florida-Georgia Line - Swerve
Not a single, yet, thankfully. As bad as anything they’ve done before, and that’s of course a deep well.
7. Mitchell Tenpenny ft/Seaforth - Anything She Says
Ugh. Mitchell Tenpenny has usurped Kane Brown as the artist whose voice makes me most quickly change the station.
8. Chris Lane - I Don’t Know About You
I don't know why you're still here.
9. Sam Hunt - Kinfolks
Not nearly as bad as driving the wrong way while drunk, but an affront to the senses to be sure. Please leave again.
10. Dustin Lynch - Ridin’ Roads
Dustin doubles down on his shallowness. His looks and willingness to blend into the sonic wallpaper are his only selling points now.
11. Brantley Gilbert - Fire’t Up
Brantley done fire’t up the wayback machine to 2013. His NFL performance was bad enough to trend on Twitter, and the studio version is only better in the way that getting punched in the stomach is better than getting punched in the face.
*country = released into the country genre
Dec 3, 2019
From a popular digital music service.
Dan + Shay & Bieber - 10,000 Hours
Highwomen - s/t
Miranda Lambert - Wildcard
Jason Aldean - 9
Cody Jinks - The Wanting
Upchurch - Parachute
Ashley McBryde - One Night Standards
Blake & Trace - Hell Right
Luke Bryan - What She Wants Tonight
Sep 19, 2019
When somebody says their favorite 'country' singer is Thomas Rhett
What's the best way to listen to an Old Dominion song?
Patiently listening to country radio to hear a country song
If you're a hick-hop fan expecting people to respect your taste
You don't like Charles Wesley Godwin?
When your office-mate is already playing Kane Brown when you get to work at 8
Highwomen had the #1 country album?
When my wife says they were playing bro-country in the store the whole time she was there and I laugh.
"Hell Right, Hell Right"
Aug 30, 2019
The NFL gets rolling soon, so it's fantasy football draft time! Here are some (mostly country) music-related fantasy football team names by me and some of FTM's Twitter pals. Any that aren't credited here were come up with by me or Jeremy Harris. You're welcome to steal them because you probably aren't in the same leagues...
Ever Lovin’ Handoff (Jeremy Harris’ actual team name)
Le’Ve’on the Road Again
Beer, Weed, Pooches
Red Solo Kupp
Gurley Shake it For Me
4th Down Road - Derek Hudgin
Well Well Well My Michel
Between JuJu and Jones
Who Dat Man
Once, Guice, Three Times a Lady
Good Lord Leonard
She Got the Goldmine, I Got First Pick in the Draft - Michael Fenton
Damn Good Feeling to Run These Routes
The Old Jackass Farts
Goodbye Earl Thomas
Kerryon My Wayward Son
To Beat The Devil In The 40
Ain’t Nothin’ Wrong With Antonio
No Place Too Farve
The Devil’s Right Defensive End
Take Mahomes Country Roads - Alex Williams
Odell Watson’s Chicken Shit Touchdown
Luke Bryan Sucks
Cody Jinksonville Jaguars
Have Gun, Will Fumble
Tom (Brady) Waits for an open receiver
First Down (in a 10 Year Town)
It Gets the Ertz at Night
Goff’s Gonna Cut You Down
Bortles All the Way Down - Jay Arnold
Pancho & Leftwich - Jay Arnold
Lady Mayfield - Jay Arnold
Roethlisberger in Paradise - Jay Arnold
Dak That Azz Up
Mahomes in Alabama
Heart of Gould - Nate