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1. Alli Walker “Nashville”
This may be God’s punishment on humanity for the way we’ve been acting lately. With my luck, it’ll show up on my Spotify Wrapped next year for listening to it twice and I’ll have to delete my account. I’m sure the drunk bachelorettes love downing vodka crans and falling off the curb to this abomination. As Reginald Spears is prone to say, I’d rather slip in piss and fall in shit than ever hear this again. There’s a line between fun and stupid, and this one trips over it like bridesmaid Baighleigh from Mobile on a bender down Broadway.
I thought pop singer Tate McRae had the most execrable vocals I’d ever heard until Jessie Murph hit my eardrums. The ASPCA should support legislation banning its play within hearing range of pets. This isn’t actually a country song, but since she has a current country single, I’m calling it fair game. Jelly Roll doesn’t help matters any. Most of what I write in these silly summaries is over-the-top hyperbole, but this honestly does make me recoil in disgust.
3. Kane Brown & Marshmello “Miles on It”
Whatever the drones are up to is more of a net positive for society than this song.
4. MGK ft Jelly Roll “Lonely Road”
This is way worse than Charlie Rich burning John Denver’s entertainer of the year card on stage. Show some respect. If anyone deserves to be gatekept out of country music, it's this male skank.
5. Graham Barham “M.I.A”
Dog shit. Yeah I’m old and nearly every song I hate this year is mostly because of the beats, but geez give it a rest. This is a brain-dead bro-country song but somehow worse than bro-country. That it’s come to this is an indictment of the American education system. People who listen to this are prone to passing you on the shoulder going 90 in their suburban assault truck with their high beams on.
Lifeless voice. Same old same old lyrics. Almost no melody to speak of. A face that makes you want to punch him and whoever’s standing beside him. And of course, beats inspired by 2018 rap songs to appeal to dudes whose dad spent $8k unsquatting their truck in the past year. Crap.
Somehow this dreck sounds a lot better after hearing Alli Walker’s song, but it’s still a soulless money grab of a twangy hip-hop-pop song. I’m no conspiracy theorist, but it’s funny how this trap beat infused throwaway music and its ilk came out shortly after many of us began praising the return of semi-traditional sounds to the country mainstream. The only single-name artist who’s any good is Ernest, and he almost made the list too with his Wallen collab “Cowgirls.”
8. Redferrin “Just Like Johnny”
June would slap the shit out of this guy for using Johnny’s addiction so flippantly in his little song. Redferrin is the less successful of the two major Morgan Wallen knockoffs, Tucker Wetmore being the other. With songs like this, hopefully he stays that way.
The silver lining to Florida-Georgia Line's breakup barfing out 2 pop-country bros is that at least this guy doesn't get airplay. Of course this douchebag is “crankin’ Hank.” Take your beach cowboy ass and go start a western themed surf shop or something. Singing isn’t your thing, bro. And if this is a diss track, it makes Drake seem intimidating.
10. Bailey Zimmerman “New to Country”
Bailey’s parents need to get him back on the Vyvanse.
Dishonorable Mentions:
Dylan Schneider “Carhartt”
Niko Moon “These Are the Days”
Anything by Dylan Scott
